Beep Boop Bipolar

I have no idea what I'm doing

[beepboopbipolar]

Sometimes I think I’m cured and there’s nothing to be scared of anymore, and Sometimes I feel it sucking me back under. I catch a glimpse of what it used to be like, unmedicated, or what it can still be like, medicated but not carefully watched like a small child. I stay out of journals and pretend there’s nothing to write in them, but what if I whispered on paper that if I didn’t put that pill in my mouth every day this thing will come back and ruin us all?

[beepboopbipolar]

I’ve always tried really hard to be positive, to think of the “at leasts” about being chronically ill, but then there are days like these when I just want to scream and cry and throw something because I’m tired of playing Look On The Bright Side, you can only listen to so many audiobooks in bed before it’s not fun anymore. It looks like heaven to people who have a choice, but when you don’t it gets really old really fast. I shouldn’t complain because at least I have a bed, at least I have healthcare and I have a home and that I should be grateful, but your body can be a prison, and a painful one on top of that. I just don’t want to do this anymore. 

[xsaltloose-blog]

Imagine how you feel when you have the flu. How you don’t have to go to school or work and just get to lay in bed for a few days. Now, imagine that feeling every day for years but you can’t just lay around because you need to do things. And everyone around you is telling you to ‘get up’ and ‘just do it’ and ‘man up.’

Imagine how you feel when you walk into a room and forget what you were going in there for. Imagine forgetting a word and you swear it’s on the tip of your tongue. Now, imagine that a majority of your day and imagine forgetting important things that you need to know. And people just laugh at you but there are the few that try and help.

Imagine how you feel after a long work-out. Now, imagine that feeling every moment of every day and it even wakes you up in your sleep some days. And imagine people telling you, you’re just out of shape and if you keep exercising you’ll feel better and that you just gotta keep pushing yourself.

Imagine how you feel when you stay up too long and you’re so, so tired you can hardly function. Now, imagine being like that all the time but it won’t go away no matter how much sleep you get. And people will tell you just to exercise or eat better or get mad at you for sleeping so much.

Imagine for one moment how you feel when you’re in pain. Now, imagine that 24/7 for weeks, months, years on end. Imagine how people treat you nicely and are empathetic towards what you’re going through. Now, imagine people telling you to get over yourself and you need to man up and stop complaining.

Imagine how that feels and then tell me if you’re still looking down on someone who has chronic pain.

[beepboopbipolar]

I had this brilliant revelation recently: If I COULD be doing better, I WOULD. So why beat myself up for all the things I’m not doing better? I want to do them, I just can’t. It’s actually very sad.

But that makes me wonder why the world isn’t a better place- isn’t that true of everyone then, doesn’t everyone want to do better? Does that mean everyone is disabled and is incapable of doing better for some reason or another? Or- and this makes my blood run cold- do some people just not want to do better? And if that’s true, is that sometimes true of me? I mean I can’t just lie back from now on and shrug and say, oh well, I WISH I were doing better but I just can’t. 

Scary stuff.

[beepboopbipolar]

My body: Not happy :(

Me: Uh oh, what's wrong? Is there anything I can do to -

My body: NOT HAPPY NOT HAPPY NOTHAPPYNOTHAPPYNOTHAPPY

[chronicillnessmemes]

Spoonie Slang

Russian Naplette (noun) - going to sleep not knowing if you will feel better or worse when you wake up. (courtesy of @theklingerkollection)

[beepboopbipolar]

current mood: the voiceover on the Home Depot commercials:

GOT A PAINT PROJECT? STOP WAITING. START DOING. 

START DOIIIINNNNNNGGGG

while that catchy little motivational music plays in the background, that’s eerily similar to the mission impossible music, you know what i mean? It just makes me want to burst the the walls of my nearest Home Depot like the Kool Aid man and steal a drill and single-handedly build a castle. I once saw a machete there. That’ll do.

[beepboopbipolar]

I’m doing it again, the going going going all the time, where I don’t need sleep or food and I know for a fact I’m invincible but every three days or so I have a mini breakdown when my body just crashes and I’m terrified of everything and everyone and I can’t stand the slightest sound or sensation... ANd if I can just sit quietly for a little while and eat some saltines or something I can get it together again and start all over and I don’t completely hate it because I can accomplish so much and I’m thrilled with what I can do and I’m back in my old jeans but sometimes it’s scary, not being in control of yourself, and what if you get stuck in the crashdown part and can’t get out, that’s my biggest fear.

[beepboopbipolar]

Here’s my Cladonia, it was so fun to make! This is my second one, they knit up super quickly. I’m not usually a fan of stripes but in this case I make an exception, especially since I’m a sucker for anything with a picot edge :)

[aprilwitching-deactivated201808]

Candles are how we keep fires as pets.

[beepboopbipolar]

me: *has a sip of water left*

me: *also has five pills to take*

me: *doesn't feel good enough to move*

me: let's do this

[beepboopbipolar]

I give you The Bee Queen. Guys, this one was not easy. It was my first foray into cables, which went fine, but the pattern was not one of my favorites. If I'm being honest I must say I found it to be one hot mess but I got it for free so I can't complain too much. Still, I would do it again for a shawl this pretty if I do say so myself! 

[beepboopbipolar]

I’ve been angsting for this yarn for a long time and it’s finally mine allllll mine mwahahahahaaa! I think the Spindrift shawl pattern showed it off quite nicely, and the yarn overs on the edge can be very laser-gun-esque, so I give you the “Pew Pew Shawl.”

Oh, and I actually do own the t-shirt with the image next to the yarn, so when I dig it out my summer box I’ll really feel awesome!

[chronicfatiguetarot-deactivated]

It may not be positive or feel-goody to hear, but I am my illness. It is a large part of me; an omnipresent factor in my life and a backdrop to every hour of my day. It’s not just some ‘tiredness’ here and there, it’s fatigue that stands behind me 90% of the time whether I want it to or not. Yes, this is even if I get a full night’s sleep. It never goes away.

[studying-without-spoons]

One thing about chronic illnesses that people really don’t seem to understand is that rest doesn’t make it better, at best it can slow down how bad you feel at that time or help it feel a bit more bearable but it’ll get worse if it wants to whether you’re resting or not

Sometimes you’ll be forced to rest because you can’t do anything else, but that doesn’t mean resting makes it better. When you’re chronically ill, you don’t get better, and rest definitely doesn’t leave you feeling refreshed and full of energy

If your whole body hurts and it’s painful to move then you have to rest but it’s horrible doing that the whole time, I know you’re supposed to rest when you’re sick but actually a lot of spoonies I’ve talked to hate it and would love to be able to be more active but we can’t - the last thing we want to do is spend more time at home in bed on our own

Resting doesn’t make anything better for me, it just helps to stop it being worse - everything can still hurt if I don’t do anything and I’d be happier if I could go out, even if that would hurt much more

[moonbaby-blog]

‘Resting doesn’t make anything better, it just stops it being worse’

Been trying to word this myself for ages.

[chronicpain09]

listen to your body’s whispers before they become screams

[watershalation-deactivated20191]

why are there so many days?? i feel like we just had a whole day yesterday… they don’t stop