beersfortears

[beersfortears]

self sabotage is such a silly thing, it’s ruined my friendships and made me want to hide away. i hate myself more than most even know. most days i just want to slit my throat. bleed out somewhere poetic like in the sand by the sea on snowy land. somewhere quaint and quiet and free. somewhere where i could truly be me. dead. like how i feel inside. only few things bring me that spark and make me feel alright. I need to keep my head held low, disappear for no one to know. i think that will be my next plan, and only i need to understand

[beersfortears]

dead bedrooms, longing for bedroom eyes

[beersfortears]

unwanted, unloved, untouched

my love was never enough

ripped raw and spilled guts

fingers run through the unfickle mud

unwanted by few

unloved by most

untouched? i wish from those who boast

unchained heart loves like a ghost

twill give a chill, go grab your coat

although i write and want the smoke

to slowly fill my lungs (don’t choke)

unwritten words that cut the throat

don’t go unwanted, unloved, untouched no more

[beersfortears]

fuck dude what’s wrong with me

[beersfortears]

is it too late to be sorry?

have i missed out on your love. is it too late to be your lover? is it too late to be your friend ? have i hurt yet again the one person closest to me to the point of no return. you didn’t deserve all the awful things that i have done to you. I want so badly to be your wife, to make things work and feel good and easy. please don’t give up on me, not yet. I know you want to. im sorry from the depths of my soul

[beersfortears]

ive had my grandpa and uncle on my fathers side die within weeks of each other. my grandma is not doing good. i just want to sob, but I can’t. i feel numb, i feel empty, i feel nothing. my brain nor body can’t take a drop of alcohol anymore to numb the pain. all that does is make my life worse, it makes my life feel insignificant. all i do is chase that high, chase that feeling of feeling normal. but it just leaves me with the consequences of not ever being enough

[beersfortears]

my long nails around your neck, slowly stroking down.. giving you goose bumps, im desperately hoping to hear a sound. a small whimper from your lips; to make me yearn for more. every time our eyes meet, my heart does a flutter. but sometimes secrets stay between sheets

for no one else to discover

[beersfortears]

i am starving but alani and lucky strikes are the only edibles im consuming

[beersfortears]

just so i could call you mine. i disrespected myself. i did anything to fill a temporary void. now i am left with somber

[beersfortears]

super big gulp

i dont wanna be fat anymore but im addicted to sugarHELP

[beersfortears]

heaven

if i ever get to heaven

will it look like i thought

will the streets be of gold

or will it just feel like your lips

is it wrong to want heaven to be like something that is "sinful"

to feel like skin to skin contact, to smell like sex, to make my mind quiet the same way alcohol does, or to sound like music does when you're high

to feel as jittery and nervous as forbidden love

heaven

some say it doesn't exist

that's because they've never tasted you

[beersfortears]

will he ever see you

will he ever see the real you? the dark twisted thoughts, the self harm, the small things to hurt him just to get back at all he did. Sometimes you wish he hadn't changed. but he has. he has changed so much. he is an angel in the crowded room full of devils. i am one of the devils, just in disguise. i am full of hate and rage. i want to hurt him. i want him to feel the same amount of physical pain that i feel internally. but these are just the dark thoughts that try to take over. he is so good, so sweet and kind now. now

n o w

now

now

no w

n o

n

[beersfortears]

whispers.

when they whisper about you and think you don't hear, the feeling that makes you feel is so hard to explain. it's a sense of doom and nostalgia all at once, it almost takes you back to the place of being on a playground. the last one picked, the kid no one wants on their team. the others think you're weak.. too quiet.. weird. but then they see the rage sneak out of you they either envy that or fear that. so now what. you are an adult, yet you feel like a kid.

will that ever go away? will this feeling of impending doom ever end. even if they aren't talking about you, will you always feel like they are... if so

why ?

[beersfortears]

no one knows

no one knows when i walk into a room, the laughs are empty and so are my eyes. the fear of life continues to consume while death is around the corner seeming like the better choice of the two. but i wouldn't do it to them, wouldn't leave them with the burden. but when will they see that the real and only burden is me