One day I'll be there

Student of architecture. Still obsessed with figure skating and sports.Girl passionate about music,arts and loves to watch almost every sport winter or summer:)))))))))

[beethovennamila95]

The saddest thing is i always hope, but i am not sure if it’s healthy at this point....

[beethovennamila95]

Day 11 09/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

I sent the mail for job this morning, and the fact that i didn't get the comformation that my information got to the right place. Hundred thought races trough my head, and none of them are good or kind. I will nott make it longer today. I just can't. Namila

song of the day: https://youtu.be/hg14Ocs03xA

[beethovennamila95]

Day 10 08/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

Today and yesterday was a mix of emotions. I finally got the reply from my university assistant regarding the job opportunity, and she told me to send cv. For some reason that left me with a good feeling, like i have something to fight for, and i will not let this opportunity get away from me. In the other news i got conformation that i am going for a two month internship also outside of the country. That is amazing, I just hope if the job opportunity gets in my lap the two will not interfere. I just will not think about that now, cause if i start, my anxiety will go through the roof, and i cannot handle it right now. I will not feel bad for sending application for this job. Everything will fall into right place. I can feel it in my bones. Namila

song of the day:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFptt7Cargc

[beethovennamila95]

Day 9 07/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

I am late today because i lost will to do anything, but i made a promise to myself i will keep writing this journal so here we go. I feel dead inside, like everything is crashing down again and i can’t do a thing. I am going to the therapist on the 22nd of april, when i come home. I want to clear my thoughts, because i don+t know what is real anymore. Every fear is exhausting for me, and i need to know what is going on. Namila

song of the day:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPc-oWXEhQQ

[konophotography]

[beethovennamila95]

Day 8 06/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me) 

I don’t know. Yesterday was an ok day, i am just tired. Nothing special happened so i am a bit lost. In ideal situation it would be like awesome, nothing bad happened, but yet i can’t get out of my funk. This morning was horrible. I started crying and screaming and i lost all of the progress i thought i made last week. Apparently that is not how things work. Not in my life. I can’t write anymore now. I am lost. Namila

[beethovennamila95]

Day 7 05/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me) 

One interesting thing pop out on me yesterday. I was sent an email along others people that there is a job opportunity out of the country and i am thinking of applying no matter of the chance. They are slim but i don’t care at the moment. It wasn’t a bad day, i just had couple moment of crisis and it bothers me a lot, but i am trying to make it through it. I have to. Namilaž

song of the day:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2lzmpEs29M

[beethovennamila95]

Day 6 04/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

One thought haunted me yesterday. Are the jobs opportunities like relationships. Do you know when it’s time to finish and move onto the next one. I am in a weird state of mind right now. I don’t work, i am volunteering at architectural office. I like it there, i am just not sure whether or not i am doing something good. I feel like no one says anything, good or bad, and i am in a position of not knowing what they think about me. But i don’t feel bad, i am just annoyed. I know good things are ahead of me. I met with my dad last night, and it’s a bit fucked up state in my family. But in which it isn’t? My cousin has some psychological issues and for some reasons my close family suffers the most. Even though he has a mother, father and a brother. It is hard looking at the situation because i feel like all the attention goes to him. When all started happening, 2 years ago i lived with him. At the time, I didn’t know what was happening. I just have some horrible feeling in my gut. One night when there were only two of us i blocked the door of my room because i was scared of him. The most painful thing was the fact that he was going to therapist and everybody knew that expect for me. I felt betrayed, especially because i was the one living with him. Everything that was happening back than just made my anxiety worse. And when everything escalated, everybody felt sorry for him, which is normal, but i just couldn’t shake off that disgusting feeling that i had when i lived with him. He would tell me ugly things, he would try to humiliate my boyfriend and i, and he wouldn’t let me touch his stuff. I understand he was sick, but i am bothered by the fact that no one asked me how do i feel. He is not the only one with problems. The truth is i don’t feel bad now. I don’t want to communicate with that family because they for some reason like to make me feel bad. I just stepped back, because of the pressure and anxiety i feel every day i can’t make room in my life for more negativity. I need to move forward. Namila

song of the day:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvmNDnFnW7o

[beethovennamila95]

Day 5 03/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me) 

It amazes me how i have low expectation from life. We went out and i was so afraid of how my boyfriend is going to act that i forgot to have a good time. Luckily i let go at some point and i started to enjoy the evening. I need to be more like that. It doesn’t matter what is going to happen in a month, a year, but to take moments now and make the most of it. Regarding my thesis, it didn’t went as i planned when i went to the professor and it bummed me out a bit, but i decided i won’t take it too personally. I will work and succeed at the end, the bumps in the road are just that, a obstacle that can be passed without much pain. My boyfriend had a fight with his mother, and it makes me think whats going on. There is a lot of bickering in that family and it sometimes worries me. But on the other hand, in my family we don’t fight, but we put everything under the rug, until it makes chaos. Everything got good and bad sides. The important thing is to push the good one. Namila

song of the day:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jTjBt0Enyw&list=RD9K7rmxjk5RQ&index=11

[beethovennamila95]

Day 4 02/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me) 

Soooo, yesterday wasn’t so bad. I just have issue motivating myself to work, especially now when it is too important to do this. I need to promise myself that every day i will do this for at least 4h so i can finish it without too much pain. Regarding events yesterday, nothing special happened. I went to yoga class and it is always good for me to go there. It helps me sort out my thoughts. I am going home on 18th of april and it makes me happy, but also it makes me think that i am going to lose 5 days of my work. That stresses me out (because if you haven’t noticed it takes a lot for me to be stressed out). I want to make my hobbies a lot more frequent in my life. I am working today for my thesis and i am going to my “job” tomorrow. Wish me luck. Namila

song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2lzmpEs29M&list=RD9K7rmxjk5RQ&index=3

[beethovennamila95]

Day 3 01/04/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

Yesterday was a so and so day. I was in a pain last night and it slowed me down a bit. I started wondering when do you know something is over. If you are in relationship how do you know the difference between comfortable, happy and boring. When do you make the decision to move on because you deserve better. But on the other hand, i don’t know if these feelings are real, taking in consideration that my feelings regarding anything are pessimistic and dark. I think that yesterday taught me that i will be ok even if we don’t make it. If we do it will be amazing. I had few moments when i didn’t know what to do with myself. I screamed and cried. It’s not as tragic as it sounds. I need those moments to purge my system from all negativity and stress. The day wasn’t that bad (she said after complaining for too long). We made dinner and hung out. Also, i might just found new inspiration for my thesis and project. And if I go through with it, it will be the most awesome thing of all time. Namila

song of the day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K7rmxjk5RQ&start_radio=1&list=RD9K7rmxjk5RQ

[bythesadseawaves]

City moods: Paris

[beethovennamila95]

one day soon

One of my biggest dreams is to visit Paris. Even though i have means to do that i always postponed it. I felt like i wasn’t ready for it. Hopefully this year i will go there, at least for a week or so. I plan on relearning the language to feel more comfortable there. I want to go there with clearer mind and with some control over my anxiety.

[leflambeur]

By Crowns and Owls x Alex Gardner for Hunger Magazine

[beethovennamila95]

Day 2 (we made it past day 1 woohoo) 31/03/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

So yesterday was a solid day. I did some things for my thesis and went out. And for a minute last night i was calm and didn’t feel the panic. I am trying to enjoy those moments and make them longer. Every day i want that feeling to be there, maybe even for a short time, just to be there. I am trying to make that happen. This morning on the other hand was bad. The panic, the crying, everything was back there, and the problem is, i don’t know who to talk anymore. I just sound repetitive and annoying. I need to make appointment with a therapist. It is just hard to make that move. I hope that i will have strength to do that in next week or two cause this is unbearable. Today i have friend coming to stay with my sister and i for a few days. Even though our relationship wasn’t the best i hope it will be fun. I will be fine soon. I promise. Namila

[addictly]

[beethovennamila95]

Day 1 (for the millionth time) 30/03/2019

(pictures i choose are random pics from my gallery and edited by me)

Let’s start this journey once again. I need to get better if i want to reach my full potential. I started this page to help myself but it’s still a process. I just want to feel safe and at peace so i will try to write something every day in order to help myself. It feels terrible to wake up every morning in fear that i will not see the next day, without valid reason for that. The fear is eating me out and that has to end. Today i will do something productive and start my journey. Namila

[themalezine]