Behind the White Couch

a subsidiary of It's Like They Know Us

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12 Diaper Change Moments Every Parent Can Relate To

Changing your baby’s diaper isn’t always fun, but it can be funny. (Or at least make for a good story once some time passes, right?) Yes

Things I googled while writing this:

Houdini

Crocodile “death roll”

Irish step dancing

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I need you all to know that a couch company contacted me to write funny things for their couch-related content blog and I am truly living my best life

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Fun Fact: My toddler wrote this entirely by smashing a phone into my computer keyboard.

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7 Ways Having Kids Totally Changes Valentine's Day (for Better or Worse)

You've traded quiet dinners for bathtub sing-alongs, and all of your jewelry is made of macaroni.

THEN: Reservations at a trendy restaurant. You stare into each other's eyes across the table all night and smile for no reason. In the corner, a jazz combo plays, "Someone to Watch Over Me."

NOW: Take out from the place around the corner. You can have all the food you want because your children refuse to eat anything but toast. You and your partner lock eyes across the table. You start to smile about the absurdity of it all, but then someone gags and you have to determine whether or not to Heimlich them. In the background, a malfunctioning Christmas toy plays, "Let It Go" on repeat.

[behindthewhitecouch]

10 Quick and Easy Toddler "Meal" Ideas

Quick, easy, and totally kid-approved: Your toddler has probably eaten these ten "meals."

Parents Magazine made something I wrote into a video with catchy music. But first, you have to watch a Wayfair ad for making an herb garden in your kitchen or some other thing that I assume successful people do with their time.

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Me: The baby is sleeping. Can you be quiet like a little mousy? 

 4yo: SKAWEEEEEEEEAK! 

 Baby: AAAAAAAAH 

 Me: Perfect.

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I got to do stand up for a good cause

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An educational and medically accurate portrayal of one of life’s greatest miracles. 

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I wrote a thing in the April edition of @parentsmagazine. Yay thing.

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"Yes, it is hard to glow when your stomach is a churning pit of acid that rivals the last scene in The Little Mermaid when Ursula becomes a giant octo-monster and the entire sea rises up with half-digested saltine crackers. Have you tried ginger? There are lots of great ginger anti-nausea products on the market. They are super fun to throw up too."

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Trying to clean while the kids are home

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Editor: Would you watch 20 hours of cat videos on the internet and then write about it? We will pay you with money.

Me:

Editor: Are you there?

Me: I’m sorry. It’s just - I think I finally understand the American dream.

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3yo: Mom mom mommy mom mom mom mama mommy mom mommy mom... Me: *whispers* There is no mommy, only ZUUL

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Trying to leave the house with a toddler like

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My first humor piece for @parentsmagazine is in the Sept issue! Check it out next time you're at Urgent Care!

[behindthewhitecouch]

Easy-Breezy Toddler Summer Meal Ideas (YUM!)

- Sand - Pine cones - Pancake syrup - Mulch  - Food that you just got rid of - Spiders - 16 bananas  - Thing on the floor of the car  - Own foot

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"Due to rising temperatures, combined with humanity finally coming to an end in a dark, festering pit of despair, the CDC recommends keeping all family members away from social media for the full duration of the summer..."