oh shoot before u close requests i would like to request a one shot for hange x reader, hange finds out reader has an eating disorder after finding her over the toilet trying to get rid of dinner... idk i like the way you write angst about things like this it's very respectful and nice, thank you and i hope u have a nice day!
A/N: Awe thank you so much! And wow, this is a dark subject. Beyonce came up in my mind when I read this. Thank you for requesting <3
ONE-SHOT: You've been dealing with an eating disorder for quite some time now and when Hange finally finds out, you don't know how to deal with it
Slowly inhale through your nose, let your lungs fill in with the fresh air.
Then just as slowly exhale from your mouth, let your ribcage close-up and flatten your stomach.
And with that simple command, you pushed your finger into your mouth and triggered your gag reflex. Vomit climbed up your throat and into your mouth, causing you to spit it out into the toilet bowl.
Just like that, tonight's dinner was excreted.
You sat on the bathroom floor with a sigh, wiping your forehead then patting your lips. Looking down at yourself you trailed your hand down to your stomach, feeling it up. A frown creased your features. You were not satisfied quite yet.
Falling back into your previous breathing pattern, you calmed down your upset belly before leaning over the toilet bowl once again.
The door of the bathroom flung open and you froze, eyes growing wide. Your name followed by a gasp had you clutching the porcelain. "What's wrong? Are you sick?"
Hange came to your side, kneeling down so you could both be at the same level. Goosebumps appeared all over your arms and you shivered as her hand came to sit on your back. "Y-Yeah, I'm a little nauseous for some reason. Don't worry, I'm fine."
Looking at you worriedly, she nodded her head slowly before her hand slipped down to help you up. "Here, let's go to the sink to get you cleaned-" Her voice faltered the moment she touched your palm and you felt her whole body tense.
Your name fell from her lips, the tone she used quietly and almost horrified. "Why are your fingers wet?" She looked you dead in the eye and you had to refrain from swallowing.
"Oh I'm so sorry, it's like that because I was covering my mouth u-until I reached the bathroom. I didn't want to vomit all over the floor, y-y'know?" You smiled wryly, trying to convince her as you pulled your hand from out of her grasp. "You probably shouldn't be touching it. It's kind of gro-"
"Why are your fingers covered in saliva?" Your name came out as more of a demand now and her fingers clamped down on your wrist, her grip on it tightening. "What did you do?!"
The waterworks began to well up the corners of your eyes so you quickly averted your gaze to the bathroom floor.
She had figured you out. Damn it.
Hange was too smart not to realize what was going on.
Without a second to spare Hange pulled on your arm and dragged you out of the room and to your bed to sit down on. She went back inside the bathroom to get a towel to wipe your hands and face.
"I've noticed you eating less in the mess hall," Hange focused her gaze on cleaning your hands, her voice steady. "Have been for the past few weeks. You look sickly too."
You didn't say anything. You didn't know what to say.
"Why aren't you eating enough?" Hange asked, finally letting go to look at you, her eyes filled with so much worry that caused your stomach to clench painfully. You hated seeing her distressed. And you hated it even more if you were the reason.
"What were you thinking? Purposefully emptying your stomach when you need the food for all the nutrients and to keep your body healthy and, more importantly, strong! Here in the Survey Corps especially you cannot survive without the required strength." Hange's words were getting squeezed out of her throat, painfully so, as she was trying to keep the tears at bay.
"Do you have any idea how horribly you are treating yourself?" A small whimper escaped you and Hange placed both her hands on your shoulders, squeezing lightly.
"You are so beautiful, I don't understand why you are doing this to yourself," Hange sighed and you bit your lip so it wouldn't tremble. "Whatever you thought is reasonable enough to convince you to do such disturbing actions, stop it. Don't let it affect you because it is in no way good enough."
A sniff was all it took for your tears to finally break the barrier and roll down your cheeks. "I'm sorry," your throat croaked and you collapsed in her arms, your head resting on her chest. "I-I can't help it. All these toxic thoughts, they just invade my head and don't leave me alone until-," a hiccup escaped your lips and Hange rubbed your back soothingly, "-until I submit to them."
Hange's heart felt like it was being squeezed to the point of almost bursting. "Why didn't you tell me?" She wrapped an arm around you, keeping you close as you clenched your fists with a bunch of her shirt. "How could I? It's not that simple to express."
It was true that you had wanted to tell someone, let them know what you were going through, but you could not find the words. Or even the strength in your voice.
"Thank God I found out," Hange murmured into your ear and you sobbed. "You need someone to help you and I'll be that someone okay?" You nodded your head, burying your face in the crook of her neck. "Thank you... thank you so much. I want to, I really want to go back to my normal self."
Hange tightened her protective embrace, "you will. I will make sure of that."
The crying continued as Hange held you, rocking you slowly to calm you down.
She was going to help you. Help you pass the barrier of self-hatred and insecurity, as well as your appetite.
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