My Journey

[bellabdbrw]

Secrets

Bella: *I worried my bottom lip almost to shreds as I stood in front of the door. A second opinion, that’s what I needed. I mean, I had my reasons, they were all very sound and valid. It wasn’t like I was trying to hurt anybody. Quite the opposite. I was trying to protect them from being hurt. Them… The big ‘them’. Cut the shit, Bella. You are just trying to keep that beautiful male of yours from flying off the handle. Sometimes it was hard to tell what would drag him over the edge. Which brought me to the door that I was standing before. Mary would know what to do. Or at the very least, she would have some advice. I finally raised my hand and knocked on the door.*

Mary: *Lost in the memories of Rhage’s special wake up call when he returned from rotation this morning, goosebumps rising on my arms as I can still feel his lips against my skin. So lost in the my thoughts I almost didn’t hear the knock on my door.  I glance at my watch as I wasn’t expecting anyone for another hour, I walk over, opening the door to find a Bella*  Hello, Bella.  Come in.  *stepping to the side* Bella, is there something wrong?  You seem upset.  

Bella: *I dragged my eyes from the floor to meet Mary's, throwing in a smile because nothing was wrong. Right? I mean not really.* Hey there Mary. *I ducked past her when she moved aside.* So... I was wondering if I could bend your ear a bit. *I went to sit down but then jumped right back up and started pacing.* I guess I'll just start at the beginning... I was thinking about Nalla and all of the things that led up to us having her. *I gestured with my hands as if that would help my thought process.* And there were a lot of secrets behind what got us to the point. I was also thinking about my own Mahmen and how she's no longer with us to share her stories and struggles. That kind of tumbled into the whole, 'Well what if something happened to us?' thing. With Zsadist being a warrior and all... Who knows what will happen? *I held up my hands as if to put a stop to everything.* But not in an emo way. I mean, I'm not wishing any harm or anything... I'm just thinking that it would be great if our daughter had somewhere to go where she could know all of the things that we don't always talk about. *I finally did sit down with a long exhale, staring into my hands.* So I started writing our history. Not just mine and his but also my family and his. Rehvenge, mahmen, Phury, my father. All of it. I mean, I have a lot of time on my hands and so I decided that if I was going to do it then I would do it right and I started digging into things. *I looked up at Mary, begging for her approval.* These aren't exactly things that Zsadist would want put to paper. He barely talks about it as is. I'm worried that he will be upset when he finds out.

Mary:   *watching her behavior as she goes through the reasons and ideas, once she finally takes a seat and a breath, I walk over to her and sit beside her, my hand gently rests on her arm*  Alright Bella, let’s back up for a moment.  First, take a deep breath and slowly let it out. Ok, (Smiling at her) so I’m clear, you wanted to make sure Nalla has a record so to speak of her family history so if, Scribe forbid, anything ever happened to you or Z, she would have the memories the two of you would have shared with her,  but in written form? That doesn’t sound like a terrible plan at all. If I was so lucky to have a child, I would want to do that for him or her too. (Sighing)  But, i’m guessing all the digging you’ve done has uncovered some things in the past, particularly Z’s past, that are not pleasant memories.  Memories Z will not want remembered?  Do you think you should’ve spoken with Z about this before you started digging?

Bella: *I immediately jump up out of chair and started pacing around the room again. Even though I was being told to take a breath and calm down, I just couldn't. I was worried for many reasons. It wasn't that I thought my hellren would do anything drastic. Not really. At the core of that male was a deep and unending capacity for love. I was probably one of the only people that ever actually saw it and understood it for what it was.* It's not like that. Not really. Look... *huffing* I think I said all wrong. *Swiping the air with my hand as if to clear the air and start fresh.* Okay, so you know how close mouthed Zsadist is. Getting him to talk about any of his past is like trying to tear down the mansions walls with your bare hands. There are things that I know he will probably never tell his daughter. And I understand him not wanting her to know that stuff. He would think that it would make him look different in her eyes. And obviously she is still far too young for such truths. Some things are maybe better left unsaid... *My eyes dropped to the floor. Once again I sat down, this time sagging into the chair.* She shouldn't learn of her family's past from others. *I peeked up from under long lashes.* Anything that I've uncovered in my search has nothing to do with my Hellren. He has shared it all with me. Though it took much out of him to do so. Which is why I fear telling him what I have been writing. It was easier when I thought that nothing would come to light until we had passed. But now... *I took a deep breath and straightened up.* There is something that I found about my own family which I wish to investigate. And I'm not so stupid as to go off looking for it without my hellren at my side to protect me. *My eyes glossed over for a moment as I found myself back in hole in the ground. I blinked hard to bring myself back to reality. I'd fought too hard for what I had to ever put myself in that situation again.* If I tell him part of the truth then I have to tell him all of it. I already plan to do it. I'm just worried about how he will react to me putting his past on paper. *whispering* I don't want to hurt him.

Mary: *trying to focus my words before speaking knowing very little of what she is referring to but, obviously by her body language, there is something that haunts her past* Bella, no matter how he reacts, you know you have to tell him what you have discovered.  Not telling him will just create more problems than opening up.  *smiling at her as I lean back* We all have demons in our past that we would rather stay in the past.  But that isn't how it works.  Rhage does not always react well to things I share with him.  He is a typical male.  Z will react, then he will think about his behavior, calm down and then you two can talk it out. *guessing my thoughts really aren’t helping*  Bella, do you want me to be there with you or even talk with Z for you? *leaning back up reaching for her hand* Z and I have a good repore, maybe I can help?

Bella: We have known each other a long time, Mary. Back before either of us met our mates. We were neighbors and friends. I've heard stories about how Zsadist was when I was... *stops to clear my throat, not wanting to pull up that memory* ... when he couldn't find me. I have no wish to revisit any of that ... evil. Which is why I need him at my side for this. I just want him to help me, to want the answers that I do. I'm afraid that he might focus on the fact that I'm even writing in the first place and completely miss the unanswered questions that I have. *Huffs and stares up at the ceiling, trying to order my thoughts.* I probably sound a little silly right now. I mean, who worries so much about these things? Right? *I shrugged, snagging a piece of my hair and twirling it around my fingers absently.* If you think that saying something to him will help... I was always planning on telling him when the time was right. I just didn't think that it would come so soon. More like WAY in the future when our little girl wasn't so little anymore and could actually understand things. Then I would throw it all down like a big reveal say, "Look, you don't have to struggle for the right words because I wrote it all out." I don't know. Maybe it was stupid in the first place...

Mary:

Bella, I will always be your friend.  No matter how long we are on this earth.  You are probably my dearest friend in the world.   None of this is stupid.  You have every right to be concerned about Z’s reaction. *forcing a smile* Z is a force like no other.  But, Bella, you make him a better male. He is much different now.  Stop and and think about it. He has so much more in his life now.  He has all of his family.  He has you, Bella. And your beautiful daughter. You and she are the light in his world. *gently resting my hand on her arm for support*  We don’t always get to do things when we “want” to but when we “need” to.    Go, tell him, Bella.  Before he stumbles upon your writings on his own.  That would make things much worse. He will know something is eating away at you and speculation will lead to trouble.   Just tell me what you want to me to do help.  

Bella: *I sat there for a long time, considering all that had been said. I already knew before coming in here that I would have to talk to my Hellren. I guess what I really needed to hear was that it would be alright. Mary was right about the changes that Zsadist had gone through. He was a different male now. Seeing him with our young proved that much to me. Every once and awhile I would see aspects of what he once was. That would never leave him. It was a part of him now. But he had us. And we were never leaving him. After a long moment I finally nodded, patting Mary's hand that was resting on my arm.* You're right. It won't do any good to put this off longer and I just need to bite the bullet. *I stood up, back straight, head high.* Wish me luck. I'll let you know if I need to call the cavalry in. *I laughed nervously and left the office. I needed to find Zsadist before I changed my mind and chickened out. The last thing that I needed was for him to find what I'd written before I had a chance to tell him about it.* Thank you Mary, you're the best.

#BDBRW 

[bellabdbrw]

The Dowry

*I wasn’t particularly good at research, it had never been my strong suit. But that didn’t mean that I lacked in fortitude. Maybe it was just stubbornness. Each new thing that I found left me with five other questions. I would have never thought that our family history was so steeped in mystery and lies. Well… that wasn’t entirely true. The entire reason for me doing this in the first place was to have an accurate retelling of secrets that were once hidden. It was foolish of me to think that I knew them all. There were always deeper, darker truths. I sat before a box of files that was recovered after my mahmen’s death. She turned out to be a scrupulous recordkeeper. Legal documents, bills of sale, correspondence from friends, and in the middle of it all a picture that I’d drawn when I was no older than five. At first glance it seemed like a depiction of a happy family. Two children stood with a mother, happy and smiling. To the left was the looming shadow of the father. Crayon stick figures somehow still captured the anger of the male. Between him and us stood Rehvenge. Always. My dear brother. The things he had to endure. An envelope was wedged behind the picture, as if someone had jammed it in there a long time ago. The wrinkles had become creases that refused to be straightened. Nothing that my meticulous mahmen would have done. No, this was more like something that a large hand had done. An angry hand. I sucked in a breath knowing instinctively that it was my father. Shaking hands pulled the envelope free. On the outside, written in perfect script, was the word ‘Dowry’. I almost dropped the thing before I could get it open. Surely not. The male who terrorized my family for years did not make a dowry for me before he passed… Mahmen must not have even known about it. And neither did my brother. Did my father seek to redeem himself in the end? Mayhap it was nothing more than a note. My mind raced to many different conclusions before I could even bring myself to open the letter. Inside I discovered what appeared to be a very official document that detailed the stipulations for what I was to receive. The second page was a deed to a property. I dragged my laptop over and googled the address. What immediately popped up was an article dating back ten years. The mansion was reported to be haunted. An investigation was performed after local teens had gone missing after bragging to friends that they were going to spend the night in the haunted house. Nothing was uncovered as the place seemed to be abandoned. The owner on record was deceased but his lawyer assured the authorities that it was to be passed down to a family member. Why had I never been contacted?! I scribbled the address down on a stick-it note and stood up. Closing the laptop I shoved the note into my pocket.* Well I’m just going to have to go see, aren’t I?

[bellabdbrw]

Our History

*I took a break from my writing to rub the back of my aching neck. In front of me piles upon piles of books, letters, and scribbled notes took up the entire table. I took on this task myself but every time that I sat down it seemed to grow larger and larger. So many secrets had been hidden and uncovered along the way. It wasn’t something that I had to do, it was something that I was compelled to. A family is the sum of all components. Our family was layered in tragedy. Why was I writing it all down? I sometimes questioned that myself. The long nights that I spent sitting at this table pouring through details that were probably better left buried had me questioning my own sanity. It needed to be done. Nalla would never know the despair that her Granhmen went through. At least I hoped that she wouldn’t. Zsadist would never let that happen. Just like what happened to him would never fall on her shoulders. I could tell her everything, a little bit at a time. Tell her the rich history that brought us all here. And I probably would. But this… this was more permanent. This would be a book, or more than one, likely. An accurate accounting to be passed down through the generations. It was not glamorous, most of it was downright hideous. I cringed every time that I thought of what Zsadist went through, ripped away from his family at such an early age. I hid my new project from him, only working on it on nights that he was on patrol. He would not be happy with anyone knowing him so deeply. He felt that these darker things should be kept from our child. I agreed to a point. There is no need for young to know such cruelty. But Zsadist was a Warrior, a member of the Brotherhood. I accepted long ago that there might be a night when he didn’t come home. That was his burden, our burden. I was strong enough to carry it. I picked up a piece of paper and examined it with shaking hands. The medical report from the night that I took Mahmen to Havers. She said it was a fall but I knew better now. Her Hellren beat her to within an inch of her life. My proud and beautiful mahmen stood up under such weight that it seemed unbearable. And that was the night that Rehvenge had killed the bastard. So many lies that I believed at the time. It was no wonder that he was so protective of me. Amazing that he ever even let me live on my own. That farmhouse that I couldn’t even go back to now… My own story would be on these pages as well. I set the paper down and reached for my tea, no longer steaming as when it was made, it was lukewarm and bitter. That was my cue to call it a night. I carefully gathered everything up, placing it in the box that I used to keep everything together. I left it with Fritz. The doggen had a knack for keeping other’s secrets. One hot shower later and I fell into bed. Emotionally exhausted I was asleep within seconds.* #BDBRW #OurHistory