whitney🌈 @belliavie - Tumblr Blog

"why do i constantly feel so empty and why does life feel like a foggy haze and why does every emotion come with a heavy undertone of guilt"

babe you're self isolating again and you haven't talked to a single friend in 3+ months. you've been emotionally and mentally burnt out for several months (or years) and it's made even talking to the people you love feel like a burden, and your anxiety and depression ain't helping. and you're just so so scared your friends hate you for all of it. they don't, i promise.

tiredandlonelymuse

My therapist once told me, “You are the guiltiest feeling person I’ve ever met” and just to prove her right, I took it to heart. An astrologer said, “You have so much water in your chart. What is it like to feel the emotions of every single person alive, everyday?” and I wept because I sensed he was displeased. A teacher told my parents “She’s very sensitive. Far more than the other kids in her class.” I took my SATs at 9 years old, but they encouraged my mother to hold me back because of how my eyes glistened when I heard the word no. She told them to go to hell. So I cried my way through my education until high school when they said “You take everything so personally, you’ll never survive in a company environment. You wouldn’t make a good employee.” So I employed myself (out of spite or…necessity) and then later, I hired 200 people. A boyfriend told me “Don’t be so dramatic, everything isn’t a movie.” Fine, so it’ll be an album then. The doctor said “This shouldn’t hurt a bit.” I tread daily on a minefield that leaves me classifying the variations in footsteps, the tonality in voice, a change in breath. “Is everything okay? You seem mad” is my pledge of allegiance to this tightly wound bundle of flesh. I am cut open, butterflied and flayed, with every single nerve exposed like live wires and, yes, they all hurt to touch. Each interaction is a litmus test of how well liked I am, and therefore how worthy to live. I wake up every morning and the moral barometer resets, T-minus 12 hours to prove to myself that I am not the bad person I believe I must be. Sleep, repeat. An amnesiac nightmare. Prometheus on a rock and the gull in my guts is myself. I once envied those with greater armor, but not anymore. “Why do you care so much?” Guard yourself from the little grievances, but the shield does not differentiate. The space where I am vulnerable to the pain that passes through is an entry point for the microscopic good that others may miss. I live in technicolor torment. If I could do it over again and choose the comfortable grey, I would seize a knife and cut the little keyholes back into my every limb. So the light can get in.

dankmemeuniversity

belliavie

I had an elderly patient once who told me she liked craft; so I told her I had a box of these things to one day make into a scrapbook about my life. She laughed and told me "you'll never do it"; they'll just sit there forever. Loved the honesty.

bnmxfld

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.”

— Viv Albertine

tear-dropp-deactivated20241031

let’s take pics we cant post

amargedom

“To have her here in bed with me, breathing on me, her hair in my mouth—I count that something of a miracle.”

—

liss-ome

Afternoon paradise//More @wander-uploads

wintersoldeirs

reblog if ur tired and want to make out w/ a cute girl

How did you figure out you were gay? How old were you? :)

Oh my goodness a question!

I’m actually bi (although I didn’t know which way I was swinging for a second!)

Honestly, I started having at least a curiosity about women from 11, but as I went through high school I definitely had crushes. I had a thing for Helena Bonham Carter and probably my exchange student, and I always felt awkward about hugging friends because I didn’t want them to feel like I “liked” them. Despite that, I didn’t really “figure it out” until about 21, I was dating a guy but eventually I finally admitted to myself that I was obviously attracted to women too. Didn’t actually date any until 25 🤦🏻‍♀️ alls well that ends well though, I wouldn’t have my journey any other way ☺️