You need something to wash that down. Milk? Naw, dude that’s heavy cream. Tastes good, right? Rich and smooth? You have another glass while I get the next batch of cookies from the oven.
Cmon dude, you know you want it. What do you have to lose? After all, you’ve already lost your starting spot on the team. I’ve got that. And you’ve lost your girl. I’ve got her, too. And your self-respect … well, don’t make me laugh.
That’s it, Tastes good, doesn’t it. Here’s another. And another. You look cute with chocolate all over your lips. Yeah, sure, take them all.
“When did you first realize you were a gainer?” That question’s likely to come up, sooner or later, whenever you’re talking about gaining. It’s even on the profile section of Grommr.
But it’s an odd question, really. Compare: “When did you first realize you were male?” or “white?” or “American?” I have no idea when I first “realized” those things. I feel like I must have always known them, in some sense. On the other hand, truly understanding the full complexities of what it means to be male or white or American is something I’m still struggling to make sense of. Same with gaining.
The closest analogue, of course is, “When did you first realize you were gay?” But there again, it wasn’t a moment, exactly. It was a series of moments, little nuggets of experience, that in retrospect snap together like magnets into a full-blown realization. But while I was living through them, I didn’t always understand what they meant. Same with gaining.
So there really is no secret origin story. I wasn’t bitten by a fat, radioactive spider. My parents weren’t murdered by a psychotic dieter, leading to my vow to avenge their deaths by becoming Fatman. Nothing so melodramatic, just a series of moments, slowly coalescing into understanding.
So I can’t really answer the question. But I can tell you about one of the earliest of those moments.
When I was in grade school, almost all children’s shows and cartoons ran on Saturday morning TV. (This was long before Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel were running kid shows 24/7.)
Back then, CBS had a thing called In the News that ran between its Saturday morning shows, little 90 second spots that presented news stories in a kid-friendly format. I saw hundreds—probably thousands—of these, but there are only two that stuck in my memory. One was about the terrorist massacre at the ’72 Olympics in Munich. (Yes, yes, I’m really old. Hush now, the grown ups are speaking.)
The other was about fat kids being sent to a summer camp to lose weight. I haven’t been able to find that segment on YouTube, but, really, I hardly need to. Those words and images are burned permanently into my brain.
Here were boys my age but of gloriously elephantine proportions. I was mesmerized. I’d noticed the fat kid in my class at school, of course. But this wasn’t just one fat kid. There were dozens of them, each one softer and chubbier than the last. You could see their bodies jiggle as they ran or (tried to) do sit ups.
They interviewed one boy about his eating habits. He said that in his family they just expected him to “stretch his stomach” at every meal. Oh my God! This enormous kid was deliberately trying to eat as much as he possibly could every single time he ate. He even had a name for it!
I was a skinny kid, an epically picky eater. I’d never stretched my stomach, no sir, not me. But what would it feel like, stretching my stomach? And what might happen to me if I did? Believe you me, I pondered those questions, daydreaming in school and drifting off to sleep at night for years.
Is this when I realized I was a gainer? Nope. I didn’t really understand what it all meant, didn’t even have a name for it yet. I only knew that it fascinated me. This wasn’t the origin, my fascination was always already there, I think: lying dormant, waiting patiently to blossom into fullness.
people gain for different reasons, find out which category of gainers you fall under. IMPORTANT: you'll probably find more than one answer to be somewhat right, please chose the one you identify with the most. quiz created by the fat zone http://thefatzone.tumblr.com/
My result is The Ultimate Gainer (The Fat Lover):
You are a gainer because you simply love fat, it is this deep inexplicable attachment to being fat that turns you on like nothing else does. You want to be as big as possible and probably have fantasies about being the fattest person on earth. You love how blubbery you get the more you grow fatter, you enjoy every little change you witness in your body from the way your belly jiggles when you get down the stairs, to how you get out of breath when you do anything to not being able to tie your shoes anymore. You are looking for someone to enjoy your growing journey with you and be as excited about your fat as you are.
Q: No? A few years back didn’t you gain over 80 lbs. and put up videos on YouTube tracking your progress and gloating about it on your blog, where you went on and on and on about how much getting fat turned you on and how great it felt and all that?
A: Well, yes I did, but I just meant that I’m really still a gainer.
Q: But you’ve lost all that weight?
A: Yes.
Q: In fact, you lost nearly 100 lbs?
A: Yes.
Q: So you’re not a gainer anymore, you’re just a loser.
A: Well, that’s a harsh way of putting it. I …
Q: You’re not gaining weight now?
A: No.
Q: So how exactly are you a gainer?
A: Well, what I mean is that the desire to be a gainer is still very much a part of who I am.
Q: So, you want to gain all that weight back, right?
A: No! No! No! I have absolutely no desire in any way, shape, or form whatsoever to get fat again, to get all big and round and soft and feel my belly bulging tight against my shirts and feel my nipples get super, super sensitive as my tits swell and expand and feel my plump, jiggling thighs rubbing together when I walk. No sir, not me. No way. No how.
Q: Riiiiiight, I see. So, how is it that you’re still a “gainer”?
A: Well, you see, the idea of gaining still really turns me on. As a completely hypothetical, abstract, in-no-way-based-in-real-life kind of thing. You know?
Q: Okay, so for you gaining is just a fantasy now, a fantasy that you yearn for deeply but a fantasy you won’t allow yourself to make real, even though you know (know from your own experience) that you could easily make your dream come true. I take it the reality of gaining didn’t live up to your expectations.
A: Oh no, it was great! It was … Man it was so, so wonderful. You know, I’d wanted to gain for years and years and when I finally did, it was like I was—for the first time—becoming who I truly am. It just felt so right, so satisfying. And I felt sexy and fabulous in a way I never had before. Or … you know, since.
Q: Then why on earth did you lose all the weight?
A: Well, that’s complicated, it was lots of things really. That’s not an easy question to just, you know, like, answer.
Q: Try.
A: Well, first: there’s all the health concerns.
Q: Oh, you had health problems?
A: Well, I had heartburn, like, you know, a lot!
Q: Really, that’s it?
A: Um, I got winded if I tried to run up the stairs. Occasionally.
Q: That does all sound very trying, sounds like something out of the Book of Job almost. But come on, did you have any serious health problems?
A: No, but I’m certain I would eventually have had some, if I’d kept gaining. Obesity is just not healthy. Everybody says so.
Q: Alright, so you developed this hysterical, baseless fear about your “health”. Fine. You said there were lots of reasons?
A: Yes, well. Even though I met some great guys online, I never met any of them in person. So, though I really liked the gaining community, in some ways it never seemed fully real to me. To be honest, I was hoping to connect with real, live people who were also into gaining, but I never did really, so that seemed like one less reason to be a gainer.
Q: You wanted to go out on some dates?
A: I … Yes, that would have been nice.
Q: But you didn’t?
A: No.
Q: How hard did you try to make that happen?
A: Well, okay, honestly, not very hard. I wanted it, but I was scared by it at the same time, you know?
Q: I think I understand perfectly. How’s your social life now?
A: What?
Q: I mean, now that you’ve achieved this socially, medically, and morally proper weight, you must have guys just lining up to go out with you?
A: Um, well, it’s … You see now, the thing about that is …
Q: Tell me about the last guy you met who you really connected with.
A: Um … How would you define “connected”?
Q: Never mind, I think I get the picture.
A: I mean, it’s not exactly easy for a guy like me …
Q: But you’re just as single now as you were 100 lbs. ago. I mean, strangely enough, being a big loser didn’t magically change all that.
A: Well, no but it’s much easier now.
Q: How so?
A: Well, when I was gaining, my libido was just through the roof. I mean: wow! I haven’t felt that horny since I was in High School.
Q: And now?
A: Oh, it’s calmed down considerably now.
Q: So it’s easier being alone now because you have such a diminished sex drive?
A: Well, yeah. That makes sense, doesn’t it?
Q: Now, besides your nonexistent health problems and your nonexistent social life, was there some other reason you chose to starve away all the fat that was making you all horny and happy?
A: Yes, there was a lot of concern from friends and family. Concern about my weight, I mean. You know, I’d been thin all my life—skinny even—and they were worried about my getting so big so quickly.
Q: Because they didn’t know you loved getting fat, that you loved every minute of it?
A: Yes, exactly.
Q: And you never told them?
A: Well, that’s not something you can just tell someone! They’d think you were crazy.
Q: Oh, I’m sure no one could ever think you were crazy. But how did they react to your sudden, catastrophic fat loss? If they were worried about the health effects of gaining so much weight so quickly, weren’t they just as concerned that you lost the weight so fast?
A: Oh no, everyone was very supportive when I was losing weight. They all seemed very happy for me. You know, an old High School friend of mine asked me seriously if I’d gotten a lap band or gastric bypass surgery or something. He was very impressed.
Q: It sounds like he was surprised by your weight loss?
A: Oh yes, definitely.
Q: Then you must not see him that often.
A: Oh, maybe two or three times a year.
Q: But you impressed the hell out of some knuckle head you used to know in High School who you rarely see. Well, I can see how that would make it all worthwhile.
A: Well he wasn’t the only one. My Mom was delighted.
Q: Oh, I’m sure she was. And just think: if she’d known that your weight loss had torpedoed your sex drive, she’d have been ecstatic!
A: Now that’s uncalled for! You have this way of … of twisting my words?
Q: Do I? I apologize.
A: Never mind. The point is that the people who are closet to me all wanted me to lose the weight and were all very happy when I did.
Q: And after all, what could be more important than sacrificing your own happiness for the approval of others? Tell me: did any of these “people who were closet to you” have any idea what being fat really meant to you?
A: Well, I’m a very private person, and I wouldn’t want to burden them with my … my … issues.
Q: No, of course not. So, to sum up: for whatever dumbass reasons, you deliberately lost 100 lbs. of beautiful, soft, sexy fat? Was it difficult?
A: Actually, it was almost depressingly easy, once I’d made the decision to do it. The hard part, really, was committing myself to it, but once I did that the actual weight loss was pretty easy. You see, I discovered that the real key to losing weight … Do you know about “net carbs”?
Q: Let me stop you right there. Because the minute I hear someone start to talk about the details of their diet, I get so bored I can hardly breathe. Trust me, honey, no one gives two smelly farts about how you lost weight.
A: Sorry, I guess losing weight is pretty boring, isn’t it?
Q: Boring. Pointless. And ultimately a complete waste of time. Thin is temporary, fat is forever.
A: No, I’ve kept the weight off for a good long while now, and I intend to keep if off, you’ll see!
Q: Yes, of course. The fact that even people who don’t love being fat can’t keep the weight off for long shouldn’t bother you in slightest.
A: But I’m different because … Well, I know you’re bored with all the details, so let’s just say I lost the weight through diet and exercise and that’s how I’ll keep it off.
Q: And through internet abstinence.
A: What?
Q: Well, you more or less completely dropped out of sight from the online gaining scene around the time all this grand and glorious campaign of self denial started, didn’t you?
A: Yes, well if I’d kept going on Grommr and Tumblr and YouTube and looking at all those guys who were packing on the weight, reading gainer blogs, watching gainer videos, that would have totally undermined my whole weight loss program.
Q: Right, because if you saw how great and sexy all those guys looked as they got fatter and fatter and fatter, while you starved yourself in a desperate and pathetic attempt to fit into society’s bullshit idea of how you should look and of what other people thought would make you happy, if you did that, well that would indeed make it a challenging to stick to some fucking “weight loss program”, wouldn’t it?
A: Yes! Exactly, I’m so glad you understand.
Q: But you’re falling back into your old habits online, aren’t you?
A: What do you mean?!
Q: Well, you started a Tumblr account, and just looking at who you’re following and what you’re favoriting there … Oh! Oh my, you’re not exactly using Tumblr to look at pictures of kittens, now are you?
A: Well no, but that’s just because, because … You know, like I said before the idea of gaining still really turns me on.
Q: Mmm hmm. And I see you’re active on Grommr again? How nice.
A: Well, no, no, not really, not as such. I mean, sure, I check in on it occasionally, and I’ve chatted with a few guys, but it’s nothing serious. I don’t even have a paid account anymore.
Q: So why …
A: It’s just a lark really.
Q: Alright, but why …
A: I can quit anytime I want!
Q: Oh, honey, of course you can.
A: Anytime!
Q: But why did you come back, after such a very long absence?
A: Oh, no reason, really. Just one of those things.
Q: Was it because gaining fills a need deep, deep down inside of you, a need that nothing else can ever satisfy, a need you may try to repress or ignore or struggle against, but a need you can never truly escape or ever completely deny?
A: Well, I don’t think that’s …
Q: You know what I think? I think all this recent internet lurking has relit the pilot light on you libido. You’re completely captivated by the very thought of gaining, entranced by it. Anyone could see that. And, like you said before, you’re still really a gainer at heart. Aren’t you?
A: Well, what I said is that the idea of gaining …
Q: You’ve just been in hibernation or in denial or some such, and now you’re waking up again, and you can’t resist it and you don’t really want to, do you?
A: No, that’s not … But, don’t you see? I … It’s the idea of gaining that …
Q: Think of it this way: how many people can say that they can literally make their dreams come true? That they can make themselves feel happy and horny and deeply fulfilled by simply eating whatever they want whenever they want to, which everybody wants to do anyway? You’ve dreamed about gaining all your life, haven’t you?
A: Well, yes, I have but that doesn’t mean …
Q: And, more than that, you’ve already made the dream come true once before. And you know what: if you’ve been starving yourself all this time, your body is just totally primed to get nice and fat now. Once your body’s been fat, it always longs to be fat again. And, after all, deep down: you long to be fat again too! Getting big and fat is what you really want, isn’t it? It’s what you’ve always really wanted. So why not just do it?
A: I just don’t think it would be, you know, practical right now for me to start gaining again.
Q: “Practical”?
A: Yes, I don’t see gaining fitting into my current lifestyle.
Q: Well then, what are you doing here?
A: What am I doing here? What does that mean? I’m confused.
Q: Yes, yes I think you are.
———
Not long after this interview (to absolutely no one’s surprise) bellyenvy regained all his lost weight. Then, gorging himself with abandon, he started packing on even more fat.
He is currently over 300 lbs. and wants to get “much, much bigger.”
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