CuntNugget @belvedereem - Tumblr Blog

i think furniture legs should be carved into little animal feet again. i think that would solve a lot of problems.

“Soft hearted people are not fools. They know what people did to them but they forgive them again and again because they have beautiful hearts.”

— Unknown

thoughtkick

“Flowers grow back even after the harshest winters. You will too.”

— Unknown

Having a bit of emotional day today.

Maybe it’s this sinus/allergies/sick nonsense. Idk

But I’ve legitimately cried over everything today.

Doing laundry, trying to get pumped for the day.

Still thinking about last night. I want to message her. But like…

Wtf do I do? Let me heart take over or brain? Ahhhhh

I’m going to end up making the wrong choice. 😔

A little early for an April fools joke.

But that’s how I feel. To you.

You’re better than saying things to hurt someone, just because you’re hurt.

I need to remember this. Because I so badly want to say, “at least they chose each other and work at it”. Or say, “you’re one to talk”.

But I don’t need to say things out of spite. It’s not me. It’s the hurt.

Also why? Why message me. After I said something out of love and missing. And you left me ghosted again. Why come back two days later and message me?

It’s hurts because I want to say, “why message me and tell me this?” “Is it out of loneliness or convenience?”.

It hurts because you know what I want from you. I can’t handle these kind of games.

I guess I’ll leave you on read. It hurts too much to respond. Especially after what I said.

misguiding

stuckinapril

me? overthinking?? blowing something out of proportion and letting it consume me for days??? yes constantly

thoughtkick

“Because when something happens, she’s the person I want to tell. The most basic indicator of love.”

— Every Day, David Levithan

Welp,

I re-downloaded tumblr. It’s not the same anymore but I guess a place I can write.

Scrolling back to posts from years past… it’s like damn… I was broken and still am. Different people. Different times. Grew up a lot and still not letting people completely harden my heart.

Now if I can only learn to ignore the want to reach out. It doesn’t help. If you’re not wanted, you’re not wanted. If they want to reach out they will. If they want to love you they will. Projecting my feelings never changes anything.

I have always had a hard time understanding people.

I guess that’s because of how I grew up.

Struggling to always have the attention of the people I wanted the most but them not feeling the same or giving the same. Pretty fucked up for a child to crave attention from their mother only to just be used as a prop for their gain. So now, I still crave the attention from people I love, and overthink, and self sabotage. Because after all… if I make them unlove me, it’s easier for me to unlove them. Easier to let go.

Thanks Tricia… you taught your daughter that her feelings are never worthy and to self sabotage when anyone comes close because what if they do stick around? I’m vulnerable again. I don’t know what that fucking feels like.

Turns out, I self sabotaged with the one that I wanted and then hurt myself in the end. And now I feel like everyone can see how vulnerable I can get. I don’t like it. Hurting sucks. And so does hurting the people I care about. Also talking about stuff sucks. Like I’m tired of telling everyone I’m okay and lying about it. They can see if on my face that I’m not. But I try to put on a good show. Hide it.

Eh. I have a feeling writing in this is gonna end up seeming like a pity party. Oh well. I need to get these thoughts outta my head. So I don’t bombard you. Cause it won’t change anything.

Also… if anyone does read this… my therapist asks me every week before sessions if I feel self harm or suicidal. And no I don’t. No need for alarm. Just putting thoughts out in between sessions.