hi i'm bernice

things i can't keep in my head

[benicebernice]

Covid-19

With each day that passes, I feel increasingly insane.

I have been in the house since March. I firmly believe in the idea (the truth) that to end this covid-19 crisis we should all simply sit our asses at home. The only places I’ve been are the grocery store and 2 restaurants. My life has become monotony, broken only by Animal Crossing and my boyfriend tackling me occasionally to cheer me up. Thank goodness for both of those things.

My friends in New York, my friends in Chicago, my friends in New Orleans? They are doing pretty much whatever. I am jealous. I can’t understand it. I try to empathize: “Well, if I was single right now I’d probably be out, too.” But I am unsure. I try to think “Well, we are only young once.” But I don’t truly believe that. My parents are in their 60′s and, pre-covid, they had a carefully curated, no bullshit social life. Young people often make the mistake that our time is running out, so we have to act now. To me, that sounds like a death sentence. I do not want Covid-19, nor do I want to give it to my family, my boyfriend, pregnant coworkers, immunocompromised coworkers...

Last night, I texted my closest friend about how depressed I am. How anxious I am. She just didn’t reply at all. It has been 20 hours. She has never not replied. We have been friends for over 10 years. I don’t expect therapy from her, or solutions. I just expect support. She can’t lend me that support right now, for whatever reasons. It makes me feel terribly alone. 

My boyfriend, a happy-go-lucky dork who finds joy in books, basketball, dancing, and watching videos of babies giggling, is depressed and struggling with that for the first time. We are on sometimes-alternate, sometimes-synced depression cycles. When we are both down, those days are the lowest.

I have no support system. My friends all act like I am the crazy one. My few local friends who are being safe about Covid also have stopped inviting me to their weekly distanced hangouts. Am I the bad guy? Am I turning people away? I can’t break that wall with my friends, every time I’ve tried, they dismiss or ignore. 

I talk to my mom every day, which is helpful. But she and my boyfriend can’t prop me up alone. 

I am so lonely. 

[benicebernice]

When do you begin to feel authentic? I feel fake most of the time. The only time I don’t is when I forget to remember I’ve felt that. Even writing this feels like I’ve probably lifted this narrative voice from someone else. Being online all the time really reminds you none of your thoughts are original. Or if they are, posting it is useless since 17+ people probably already also posted it. It’s fine if you can handle that mindfuck. Not sure I can! It’s fine I’m just spiraling because a dude didn’t text me back. Been this way since 2006, you need to know yourself. And now this post is a part of my digital legacy. Wonder who will have to clean this up in the future. Unless, of course, the Internet gets so limited and so wiped clean that free thought isn’t really visible. I feel it doing that already. I used to edit code on my blog for fun and now that’s a marketable skill that cannot be applied to socials unless you literally work at their company. Have a hobby? Don’t waste time enjoying it, sell it! Monetize monetize monetize! Can he text me back though honestly my fragile ego can’t take it, We spiraling spiraling over here. Goodnight moon

[mitten]

[benicebernice]

men

I love men. Not all of them. But I do.

Do they love me? It seems, increasingly, they do not.

I don’t mean romantically. I mean generally. We have a president in the White House that admittedly grabs women by the pussy because he can do anything when he’s a star. We refuse, as a society, to believe that a rich Hollywood producer could be guilty until 20+ women claim he’s a predator. We stand by Bill Cosby. We rip apart anyone who insults Chris Brown, claiming we must “give him another chance.” We blame women over and over and over - if not overtly, in action every day.

One woman in the New Yorker exposé about Harvey Weinstein describes her tactics to avoid him - rather than meet him for a drink, she suggest early coffee, thinking that will deter him. It doesn’t. She dresses “frumpy” on purpose. It doesn’t deter him. I read that and identified with her, because even if we KNOW dressing “frumpy” is wrong and unfair and won’t work, it’s worth a shot. Anything is worth a shot to keep our bodies and our beings safe.

Isn’t this enough? What will be enough? It seems that nothing is enough.

Terry Crews, notably muscly male actor, came forward and said a producer groped him but didn’t tell anyone - it wasn’t worth the trouble. If 290 lb. Terry Crews was afraid to share his assault, imagine what it’s like for a woman. Any woman. We are already knocked down a peg physically in most cases, and societally we are clearly not valued or viewed with humanity. So imagine the fear, self-loathing, anxiety and helplessness that comes with the decision to remain quiet about sexual assault.

I think back to my own sexual assault. How I still blame myself. I still remember what he said to me - “you were flirting with me, you can’t blame me for trying.”

I force myself to break it down: At what point was I flirting? Was it when I said “hello”? Was it when I danced in his general vicinity on a crowded dance floor? Was it my shorts? Was it my smile? Was it when I ran away from him? Was it when his best friend had to tell him to stop? Was it when I laid in bed, asleep in a separate room, and he forced his body on top of me? Was it when he snaked his hand up my shirt as I was forced to wake up, disoriented and afraid? Was it when I said “you’re married, get off me!”? Was it when he said “she will never find out”?

I would really like to know.

[benicebernice]

Ready For It?

“Why the hell is Taylor Swift’s music on a football commercial? That doesn’t seem like her market…” one of my friends recently asked.

The media world is in the midst of analyzing Taylor Swift’s newly begun “Reputation” era and what it means in our the hyper-political pop culture climate of 2017.

The pop star has often been accused of being apolitical - not speaking on the election, skipping the Women’s March, neglecting to have an opinion on racial debate of any kind.

In 2017, the absence of a public opinion is seen as apathy - the ‘silence is violence’ philosophy has become necessary. The rapid, breakneck speed at which we consume news has forced celebrities to speak up. And what Taylor Swift has chosen to speak up about, loudly, are her personal vendettas. To be fair, this isn’t new: Taylor Swift has always existed in a sort of self-analyzing vacuum. Her vague but cutting lyrics are universally relatable: themes of lost love, embarrassment, and revenge create a world we can all join.

Her choice to do a football commercial, therefore, is simple: sports are also a unifying force. Republicans and Democrats alike can enjoy a good old-fashioned game of football, right? We can forget about our differences and enjoy athletic young men compete to be the best. Taylor Swift’s team is playing into this unity, tethering her sound to the all-American competition of college football. “Ready For It?” she asks.

Unfortunately, this chosen sponsorship only furthers demonstrates her apathy, naïveté and self-serving nature. 

This campaign is not an obvious disaster like Kendall Jenner’s feature in that tone-deaf Pepsi ad. Taylor Swift’s choices are riddled with more subtle problems.

Taylor Swift has lent her voice and opened her wallet to the NCAA, an organization that refuses to pay its players, creating a sort of body-trading system not unlike indentured servitude. The NCAA deals in the currency of young, often black, bodies. These players bring in massive audiences and revenue. They will never see a dime until they attempt to go pro, staking their livelihood and health on an incredible, expensive gamble.

Professional football is also political in this way. The NFL’s unwillingness to support Colin Kaepernick’s silent cries for racial equality is indicative of owners’ white supremacy. The league refuses to employ Kaepernick, hiding behind the idea that he isn’t a good enough quarterback. The league also has issues with protecting the longterm health of players. They would rather protect their system of revenue. These problems have undoubtedly never crossed Swift’s mind, since they do not effect her bank account.

Meanwhile in other professional leagues: the NBA commissioner has proven that supporting every player’s right to speak up will not effect revenue: he recently sent out a letter encouraging players to speak up about social issues:

“Critical issues that affect our society also impact you directly. Fortunately, you are not only the world’s greatest basketball players – you have real power to make a difference in the world, and we want you know that the Players Association and the League are always available to help you figure out the most meaningful way to make that difference”

The NFL is unlikely to follow suit. It is a billionaire boys club led by rich, old white men, profiting off young bodies just as the NCAA does. 

So it comes as no surprise that Taylor Swift chooses to align herself with football. On the surface it is a unifying, relatable, fun romp we can all support. But beneath that facade it is self-serving, riddled with scandal, negligence and race issues while she is turning a blind eye to it all. Sound familiar?

[bled]

[benicebernice]

gurl i am t•r•y•i•n•g

[chillgawds]

Visit Original Link

[benicebernice]

you had you some birthdays, could you prove it?

[benicebernice]

make the days count.

Energy shot through the cloud cover down to my earthly body And your purpose changed.

The grumblings in your belly echoed off my freshly forged spirit, Years from connecting in flesh and in breath.

Yet to meet my tired self, bared for your enjoyment, Steaming from my effort to focus.

And you? You rise and you fall.

Minutes stretching into days, Tracing the outline of your delicate fingertips, The undersides touched by light.

Mango and coconut mingle with my sweat still. And I scrub, Shedding the layers that you left.

[hellyeahrihannafenty]

Bad GYAL

[benicebernice]

Yellow

This summer has been the season of yellow music releases. Scum Fuck Flower Boy by Tyler the Creator, GOODFORYOU by Aminé, CTRL by SZA, Kali Uchis’ singles, even Calvin Harris has thrown us some mellow yellow music.

What do I mean by “yellow?” The best way to understand it is by using the example of Tyler the Creator on his 2013 song “IFHY,” and the subsequent musical shift we hear:

“Can we add some more color, um, like, some more, yellow Yeah, that's good”

As the music changes, we hear it get slightly more sentimental, less dissonant, maybe even happier. 

Yellow is the color of lemonade (hello, Beyonce). It is bright, welcoming, warm. Yellow is associated with light, sun, summer and happiness. I personally see sunflowers, lemons and light when I hear certain music. Clearly, so does Tyler the Creator, noted by his latest album cover art. 

Frank Ocean, one of our generation’s greatest songwriters, very openly fixates on colors: channelORANGE, blond/e... “you cut your hair but you used to live a blonded life” is a standout lyric and arguably the reasoning behind the album’s title. Once you start to look for colors and how they tie to sound, you’ll find the phenomenon everywhere.

In a year full of insane media stories, fake news, lunatic leaders and complete uncertainty, it has been nice to take a summer recess into the golden tones of new music. 

[benicebernice]

imposter syndrome

At work, I feel like I shouldn’t be there. At home, I feel like I’m not doing everything I need to do to be a “good housekeeper,” or whatever it is my mind thinks I should be doing. In relationships, I blame myself when they fail and I feel like I’ve been fake. I don’t feel like I have any personality outside of “mean” or “sarcastic,” I don’t feel like I have any talents. I feel like a fake. Does anyone ever feel real?

Then I feel selfish and stupid for worrying about how “fake” I feel. I have a job, food, a home, and friends and family who love me. I think.

I can’t cook very well, I can’t eat any good food without getting sick or feeling guilty, I can’t get a guy to love me, I don’t like my job, I think I’m too thin, I hate my boobs, I am on social media too often, I don’t travel enough, I don’t like to travel, I have lost my ability to create, I am terrified and hopeless when it comes to our government, I need to wash my sheets, I am not happy.

Is this just adulthood? Is this how everyone feels? Is this why I studied so hard and why I pay student loans every month? To feel this way?

Me me me me me. I’m such a disgusting millennial. It’s trite really.

I used to be shy as a kid and no one seems to believe that. If they only knew how I really am feeling.

[tarkatsky-deactivated20180307]

April’s Pink Moon

[benicebernice]

get out was so good

and everyone should see it in theaters, the audience’s varying reactions to things was honestly the best part

[tearthatcherryout]

Tina Knowles & Beyoncé celebrating Solange’s SNL performance (11-5-16)

[benicebernice]

precious.

[benicebernice]

smoothie bowls

what the hell is up with them. why can’t you just drink a smoothie, then eat your fruit. seems redundant. but also better than choking on random oats as you eat cold fruit soup with a spoon. just one woman’s opinion though. 

[benicebernice]

petition

to remind people it is y’all and not ya’ll

[transyouthequality]

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Art by Raymond L Warfield jr