YOU ARE THE REASON
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@berylune-blog1
eighteeninches:
“Uh…I mean…I’m sorry, I am. I know I don’t have an excuse. I’d be more than happy to the people I know. You’ve got a lot of great qualities and I’m certain that they’d like you but…”
“I have no idea what you want me to say. Just write me a script at this point.”
“Oh, I...”
She didn’t think he’d actually do this, to tell the truth.
“Um, I’m probably too busy actually. To uh, hang out or anything like that. But thank you...”
eighteeninches:
“…I’m sorry. He and I…we don’t want you to get caught up in our business. But it makes sense that you’d be hurt…and it doesn’t make what I did any less fair.”
“I didn’t think to tell you because…well, I mean, he was the Sigma you were looking for, wasn’t he? The one that you came to love. I never understood why you’d need me in your life when he was already there. For the most part, I pretty much function as a vessel. It just doesn’t matter, you know?”
“It’s... alright. I’m used to it, after all.”
She smiled weakly.
“That doesn’t matter- I mean, it does, obviously to you, but... that’s not the point. All of that aside, aren’t we... friends? Or at least, we’re trying to be. I know I’m really... bad at all of this, especially right now, but I am trying. I don’t really have many friends, so... it’s a little difficult at times. But, well, I think when a friend has someone who makes them happy, they tend to share that with their friends. Because their friends will be happy for them, or they should be. Maybe... maybe I would have been if you had been the one to tell me. You could’ve introduced me to her and maybe we could’ve all been friends. But there’s not a history like that, is there?”
eighteeninches:
“No! That’s not the problem! The problem is that you say this and yet you came here to make me feel like shit for having romantic feelings for someone who isn’t you!”
“You say things and then you just…go and contradict them! All the time! What are you doing!”
“I didn’t plan on doing that! I was just... upset. Not really that you had feelings for her and not me, but that...”
“That no one told me. Not even he told me. He never tells me anything, you never tell me anything! Yet I feel like everything about me... Well, I’m just an open book. It hurts. Because it feels like the person I love, the person who’s supposed to love me, that he doesn’t trust me. But, it’s easier to be angry, and even easier to be jealous.”
eighteeninches:
“You say this and somehow nothing I do is good enough for you.”
“Do you even know what you want from me? Because it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it.”
“Maybe, maybe, I don’t know, okay? Is that so bad? Is it so bad for me to finally have a relationship where I just care about the person?”
“But that’s not... I don’t want to keep arguing with you. Do you- do you not want to talk to me anymore, Sigma? I’ll go then. If that’s what you want. And I’ll try to make sure I’m not anywhere I could make you upset, I mean, but, um if you ever SHIFT, well obviously I can’t control that, but... um... you understand...”
eighteeninches:
He sighs. “This isn’t the moon, right? We don’t have to talk to each other, or really acknowledge that the other exists.”
“I think one of me should be enough for you anyways.”
“But that’s not-! Talking to him isn’t the same as...”
“I can’t just act like you don’t exist. Why are you even saying something like that? I like spending time with you! It doesn’t matter if we’re on the moon or not!”
eighteeninches:
Warmth is transient; fleeting.
So are people, he realizes.
She pulls away. The air nips at his hands for a moment, but they revert back to their perpetual state of numbness. Sigma’s his mouth settles into a flat line, and he looks at her, wordlessly. He blinks as though he’s suspended in time, as if everything else is fading.
Maybe that’s because it is.
He doesn’t look at her when she declares her love. He can’t. Something courses through his heart, hot, heavy and constricting. He swallows, nervously.
“You’re right,” he says, firmly. “We can never agree. And we never will. I’m sorry.”
A sigh escapes his lips. Sigma rolls his shoulders. Diana is far, far away.
“I guess it’s because…” he takes a step backwards. “The future is my life now. And it will be until I fade out of existence…whenever that is.”
He starts to turn.
“We can end this here…all of it, so no one gets hurt. I mean, it’s your choice. At least you still have one of us —… I didn’t mean that as a joke, by the way.”
“Maybe the next Sigma’ll be different.”
“Wh-What are you talking about? End this... End what?”
She looked back at him, her hands moving towards a strand of her hair as she grasped it nervously.
“I’m sorry. I really don’t understand what you’re saying, Sigma...”
bubonem:
“I’ll be sure to do that.”
“Ufufu… I don’t think that either Sigma or myself are the sort of people to indulge in something as quaint as a honeymoon phase… Older, huh? I know I may not look it, but I’m about twenty-eight now. Given the doctor, I suppose the same might be said for you? I simply look how I do because of genetics, but you and the Sigmas can move through time. I can only imagine what an ability like that must do to a person’s mentality.”
“Oh..!”
“We’re... we’re the same age, actually. I’m 28, and that’s true for the most part. Not, not like Sigma’s case. I’ve probably just experienced a few months extra than I’ve lived chronologically. But um, that’s confusing, isn’t it? Let’s just say I’m 28. And this body is 28. It’s pretty simple. I guess I’ve just, um, experienced more things than you have, even though we’re the same age.”
eighteeninches:
Diana rings her hands together when she’s anxious. Her thumbs twitch when her heartbeat gets to be too much. She hangs her head, gaze falling to the floor with a soft thud when the shame of being human overtakes her. The shame he once made her feel. Sigma knows this — her — like the back of his hand.
He shouldn’t.
Sigma’s brows furrow, and then knit together. Slowly, he takes a step forward, bringing her hands into his own. He claps them tenderly and with caution, fingers briskly running over hers — his thumb stops to rub a circle into the subtle indent on her ring finger. His hands have yet to stray.
“I don’t think,” he starts. “You understand what kind of organization Crashkeys is…or what kind of person he…I am.
We go on to host a Nonary Game. Intel is simply a part of the project, if not the job. There’s a network working under Akane and I. How else do you think we infiltrated DCOM? Or abducted the people we have? Even if I’m not beside you, I’m more than capable of keeping you safe. And if you’re safe, you can pursue happiness without any restraint.”
A pause.
“Ha…look at me,” His averts his gaze, and his eyes flit towards her fingers instead. “A few months ago…I would’ve never been talking like this. But you know, I’ll always exist in the thread of time — so you don’t have to be scared anymore.”
“Imagine.” He smiles. “You can feel that way for more than three years…it doesn’t have to be with me. Realize that already. You have an entire world and a lifetime to explore. I’m not anything special.”
“I’m just someone who cares about you, and has made a lot of mistakes, huh? I should really apologize.”
His hands were warm. Her body relaxed for the most part, but she could feel her cheeks burning.
“I know. I don’t care about any of that, Sigma. And I know what you’re capable of, but I also know... you’re human. No one can be really kept safe. There’s no guaranteeing any of that. You’re not some god who can control my life in such a way I never even burn my tongue drinking hot chocolate. After all, just one small s- ugh, never mind. I don’t want to even think about all of that.”
“You only ever consider that one restraint, never anything else. I have more restraints on Earth than I do on the moon, though. Honestly... the only restraint on the moon is time, right? And that doesn’t really mean anything to us. I can feel that way for more than three years? Do you mean I might? Or do you mean I won’t? I’d rather take something certain over something that has about a 1% chance of happening, if even that.
I can. I can stay on Earth. I can go to the moon. I can be with you. I can die. I can do worse than that. But I can never stop loving you, Sigma. And I can never love anyone more than I love you. I can never be as happy as I am with you. But I know, we can never agree, can we?”
Diana pulled away with a sigh.
“God, it’s not like any of this even matters here... I don’t know why we always come back to this, even though we have no idea if it’ll ever even affect us. What do the Earth and moon matter when we’re in a place like this? Not that you, or him, would ever agree with me. Although I don’t see the point in having a girlfriend here if you’re so fixated on another history.”
eighteeninches:
There’s a silence. His eyes widen with surprise for a moment, and his throat goes dry. He swallows.
Sigma’s expression, however, then falters, eyes weary and lacking in their usual light. His lips lower into something that could be called a frown, but not quite. A hand runs through his hair, and he heaves a breath, wondering when exactly life became whatever it was he was living now.
A minute and a half passes before his mouth parts again.
“I’ve known the Diana on the moon for three months now. Whenever she looks at me, I see two things in her eyes: pity and want. I can never tell what she wants, but I always know exactly what she pities.”
“I’ve known you, the Diana standing in front of me, for four months. You’re a little more honest than she is. I don’t know if that makes things any better. The pity is gone, but want…you always want something, don’t you?”
“And you think that smiles that are sweet enough to make your teeth rot, and motherly coos and soft giggles are going to get you whatever that is because that’s what it means to be good and all. But it hasn’t worked, not once.”
“The Diana on the moon kept her old wedding band…I found it on accident once. There’s only one person I’ve ever hated, and it’s him. It’s not jealousy or anything…but for some reason, I felt like he tried to destroy something precious to me.”
“Gah, gosh, why am I saying all of this? Does this make any sense at all? I’m seriously losing it. Maybe it’s because I can never say those words…I know you’d be scared. You’d probably hear his voice. I guess in some timeline you did, and some part of me remembers and that’s why they won’t ever come out.”
“It’s fine though. You can always look at the moon and feel like someone’s always protecting you, because I’ll be there, doing that exactly. What more could you want?”
She clasped her hands together out of habit, her fingers searching for a ring that she knew wasn’t there, that hadn’t been there. Not in a long time. It wasn’t even in this city. And yet, she wanted to run her fingers over it, rotate it back and forth. Take it off, if only to see the mark it made on her skin, and then quickly replace it.
How stupid. Longing for something as pointless as that. But it had a point, didn’t it? It was a reminder. It was a constant. And she knew that even if she melted it down to its simplest ingredients that it would always be with her.
“I’d rather look beside me. You can’t protect me, Sigma. Not from there. I couldn’t even talk to you, then. I could die one day, and... how, how long do you think it would take you to find out?”
“I am scared. You’re right about that. I’m scared of staying. It’s easier to say I want to be with you, that I’d follow you to the moon every time. And that’s true, it’s true too. And I am scared of losing you. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of seeing the consequences of my actions. I’m scared of loving him. And I’m scared of myself.
But I don’t think- I don’t think I’ve ever been scared of you. I’ve been scared for you. I’ve been angry with you, upset with you, worried about you... Maybe I was really on edge. I was nervous. But it’s different. It feels so different.
I feel comfortable, and safe, and happy. You always yell at me for throwing my life away, but I’m never able to see it like that... A few years, feeling that way... I’d give anything for that.”
eighteeninches:
“I can lecture you based on the facts, and guess what? Every single other version of you that’s gone to the moon? Dead. All of them.”
“Maybe that would’ve hurt me before. But I know what I am and what I become. And I know what he used to be, too. What else are you going to tell me? That I deserve to be alone? That I’m a bad person? Don’t bother. I’m not letting you go, regardless of what you have to say.”
“Then don’t. Don’t let me go, Sigma.”
She repeated after him, but her tone was far from defeated.
“Do you really think I feel that way? That I would ever say that? I don’t want you to be alone, Sigma. After all, I want to be with you. And honestly, you’re probably the best person I know. I can’t think of anyone nicer than you, more selfless than you. You’re the farthest thing from a bad person. Almost... the opposite of me. You truly want to help others, from the bottom of your heart. That’s why... that’s why I love you...”
eighteeninches:
“The difference is that you’re going to die. We aren’t. You can’t survive those conditions and you know it.”
“You can help in other ways. No one is going to gain anything from you throwing your life away.”
“I don’t know that! I never died. Not then or there, at least. I haven’t. It could be different. I don’t- I don’t even have those memories and neither do you. You can’t lecture me about something you haven’t even experienced yet.”
“It isn’t your choice to make. It’s my life, Sigma. Although right now, you really do sound just like him.”
eighteeninches:
“No. Going to the moon was my choice. The circumstances that led to it weren’t.”
“You expect me to let the world just perish? That’s not happening, ever.”
“But you expect me to? Going to the moon is my choice.”
“I’m just as responsible as you are and I won’t let you take this all upon yourself.”
eighteeninches:
“…”
“You’re not doing that.”
“Alright, I’ll try something else.”
“You want to make your own choices. Don’t go to the moon then. Stay with me on Earth.”
eighteeninches:
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. And what exactly do you want?”
“What isn’t he letting you do? Because if there’s anyone he wants out of this, it’s you.”
“I want to go to the moon.”
“Ah, that sounds kind of silly when I say it out loud, huh...”
bubonem:
“Oh, it’s a skill like that, then. I’ve got to admit, you’ve only made me even more fascinated by the concept of espers.”
Eto waved her hand in dismissal; she was just fine.
“I would call it something in between friendship and romance. It’s not like he and I have decided to exchange vows… I think it’s safe to assume that out of either of us, you’re the one that’s more experienced in this particular area – as well as the one pertaining to the Klims.”
“You can ask Sigma more then. He’ll be able to better explain it, I’m sure.”
“Mm... I understand. Not even yet at the honeymoon phase, right? More like kids exchanging love letters on the playground... That itself is kind of adorable, though. I don’t know if I’m really that experienced, just... older maybe? Of course, I’m just assuming and I suppose, well, you shouldn’t assume someone’s age or, ah, you know what I mean... I don’t really mind myself, though. It’s pretty clear that I’m older than Sigma, at least.”
kisshibae:
“The sentiment is mutual.”
He pauses. “Ah, but if you’re here then where are the rest of the Supremes?”
“Huh? Oh... you’re joking. Heh. No, it’s uh... more like the goddess of the moon. That Diana.”
bubonem:
“That sounds a little foolish – what would happen if you do need it, and you could use it? It’s always better to be prepared. The older of these two seems to depend on you, I could pick up on that, too…”
Eto took a sip of her coffee, which by now had gone cold, only to choke on the drink and nearly spit it out on the table. Takatsuki Sen recovered immediately, and she smiled.
“Ah… Ahaha…”
“Love, that is… Well, I wouldn’t use that word to describe how I feel towards the younger Sigma, or he towards me… It’s more like, a mutual attraction and desire for one another’s company.”
“If I need it, then I’ll be able to use it. It’s not the sort of thing you can prepare, not without very specific circumstances.”
Her eyes went wide before she relaxed into a gentle smile once more.
“I believe that’s what people call friendship, or if not that... hm, what would it be? Lust? I think that’s it... I guess you did say you weren’t very experienced, after all.”