Bestie

Magkano yung aso sa may bintana? Arf arf

[besfren]

I have a feeling that I am in the golden age of my life and I'm aware of how imperfect it still is. My dog is young and my relationship is stable. I'm currently in the second year of medical residency. I could eat out at restaurants semi-regularly (and can you believe I saw Janine Gutierrez last night? A star eating where I do? It's crazy to live in Makati!!) and go on cocktail drinking sprees every now and then. I have no health issues. Pero somehow, my life is riddled with minor imperfections such as the fact that I read less than I'd like. I work out less than I'd like. I can feel my body giving out in bed after a day's work. I can still run but my left knee starts to click after 8 kilometers.

It's not the worst life. I realize I've come so far financially. Kaya ko pa rin naman siguro mabuhay ng 1,500 lang kada semana sa food and transpo pero parang ang hirap na kung afford naman gumastos at hindi na makikipagsapalaran sa commute. I rode the MRT recently and I was reminded that I HAD TO fear for the belongings in my bag. Literal na may nag-aannounce na ingatan ang personal na gamit. Wala kasing ganun sa moveit or angkas eh. I could literally just zone out and it'll be a fine trip.

Also, ang arte ko na? Ganito ba talaga kapag tumanda? Hindi kaya magzone out sa jeep kasi ang lala ng sensory input hahaha. Alam mo kung naulanan yung katabi mo kasi ramdam mo na damp yung balat niya. Ulan ba talaga o pawis? Well, malaman mo kasi amoy mo rin siya. Malakas pa yung tunog ng makina. Di mo alam kung paano pumasa yung jeep na sinasakyan sa inspection kasi sobrang itim nung usok? Mas naaamoy ko na yung difference kapag nagcommute ako or nagcar from work. Ang baho pala ng hangin ng metro manila???

Ang point ko lang naman dito, I guess, is that naaappreciate ko yung buhay kong pang-maarte. I know nothing lasts. This dog. This relationship. This time I am spending in Makati. The quality of these knees and whatever is left of the youth in my face. Lahat to mawawala eventually. And I'm just happy and very very sobered to realize it before it's gone.

[besfren]

I setup a gaming system at home a few days ago. I'm so happy about it. It's kinda ironic how a gaming system makes me feel na adult na talaga ako. Kasi gaming? Adult? Parang hindi siya tumpak hahaha. It's just... This is weeks of thought, planning, budgeting, procurement then finally on the day installation. And then laro na.

Sayan lang though, a few weeks ago, yung isa kong friend whom I used to play switch with, went to hongkong to work as an OFW. We played switch on its small screen, racing on mario kart, and now he will never get to play it on the big screen.

I write about him as if I'm speaking about a dead person. So resolute. As if I'm certain I'll never get to play with him again. But don't Filipinos treat some our OFW members the same way? We grieve them at first then some day, we become so accustomed to their absence that when they return, they feel as if nobody needs them emotionally anymore.

I guess I'm just saying that right now his absence is felt. His girlfriend hasn't even visited our condo since he left, as if she hates doing things alone now they things they both used to do together.

So much adult emotions in one gaming system. Anyway, that's my update for now.

[besfren]

Hey. Weird na di na nagpopost nang maayos tumblr ko. Lost 2 posts this way hahaha ang inactive na tuloy tingnan.

[metamorphesque]

'things there are no words for, but should be', tatheve simonyan

[besfren]

Posted by Jemuel Fuerte on Facebook. This is such an apt poem for my thoughts right now. It's june, the month my mother died, I loved her to bits when she lived. And this month is the month of pride. I have deviated so far from her light, but the sad truth is, I am happier with who I am now. Now that I have divorced myself from who she wants me to be.

[besfren]

I'm embarrassed to admit but I don't remember names and faces well.

[besfren]

I got a new ring! This one is from MN+LA. It's a bit big. Akala ko kasi maliit lang hahaha pero okay lang. It's a ring that really commands attention eh.

[besfren]

Why is it that I feel like leaving the church was a blessing? It's quite ironic that a lot of good things unfolded when I left my life as a baptist. I quit the church because I no longer felt like it, the last straw was when the pastor said that depression is a form selfishness, because we should share our burdens with our brethren.

It was hard at first as I was always a churchgoer throughout my life. There, people say "You're so blessed" when they notice that a church member receives a good thing, a growing family, a job, a new house. Personally, church always feels like work or school. I need to dress up nicely for it and perform in front of my churchmates, be a good, polite, friendly person for them, take my elder's hands to my forehead for a bless. And then suddenly, when I left, Sundays became one more free day. Initially I wasn't used to it and spent the day in my bedroom, and then over time I spent it with my friends, hiking, climbing mountains, going on a run, or however I willed my Sunday to be. Free time was the first blessing of leaving.

Out of church, I pursued love which would be an aberrant form of it, at least in my churchmate's eyes. Leaving the church gave me freedom from that judgement. I could call myself gay and not be ashamed of it. It wasn't easy to unlearn shame, but doing so became such a blessing.

One by one the blessings piled up. It's ironic that the reason I left the church ended up becoming my focus on my job. I'm now training to work as an MH professional. I guess I do care that much about it. (Grabe, in retrospect, that was such a subtle sign about how much I care about this field - inaksyonan ang belief hindi kinall out lang)

And now I have a boyfriend whom I shamelessly love, and he takes me to the job that I love and buys me meals that I love during overnight duties at the hospital. And I have a dog that I love, who demands a hug every time I go home. I love where I live. I love what I wear. I love the friends that I have. And wildly, some days I even love existing, despite how bad this country is going.

It's like... I now have a lot of things to be grateful for, and so much love in my life, and nobody to be grateful to. When I'm grateful, I mutter a prayer to the universe out of habit, but really, the universe is simply what I name the god-shaped void.

[besfren]

Knowing most gender-based violence ay gawa ng lalake, mabuti na lang siguro na kahit dalawa kaming lalake sa relationship, hindi abusive yung relationship namin. Like, maam, that's twice as much risk factor than straight couples.

I'm undergoing training kasi on how to spot abuse in relationships and yung mga nababanggit na examples, yung ex ko ang naaalala ko. Like yeah okay he wasn't physically violent pero yung mental health ko with that man was very poor. A therapist friend even had to point it out to me, months after the relationship ended, that even the slamming of doors and name-calling was emotionally abusive.

[besfren]

Last night, the boyfriend and I were supposed to go to a massage place but a blackout rendered the elevator unusable. So we were stuck to our unit and slept instead. 3k din nasave dahil sa black out hahaha

[metamorphesque]

embraces (melt into me)

joseph lorusso, nicoletta tomas, malcolm liepke, joseph lorusso, ron hicks, peter wever, joseph lorusso, colley whisson

[besfren]

Super rare for me, as a Mindanaoan from a quite unknown city, to encounter another citizen from my hometown as a patient in the specialist hospital in the metro where I'm taking my residency. And it's such a bittersweet feeling to take their histories, to hear Bisaya the way it's spoken by people from my hometown, to listen to the harrowing experience they have gone through, and to maintain an objective distance to treat them by the same standards I use on other patients.

It's complicated there but I do miss home.

So childish to say it but I do wish that things were simpler. I wish I had a more harmonious relationship with my father. And I wish that my people in my hometown weren't so underserved, that I wouldn't be impelled to stay where I'm not flourishing as much as I had hoped. And I wish I love my residency more than I do.

[besfren]

Sobrang humbling manirahan sa Makati tngina. Kakasahod lang, paid my bills, then gipit na yung vibe ng bank balance. Parang need na rumaket ah.

[besfren]

Yesterday, my friends and I hung out at Sulok Coffee in Legaspi. I brought my dog because it was one of those pet friendly coffee spots in Makati and a book so I could continue reading one of Carl Jung's books, as his work has been my niche interest for a while.

Afterwards, we went on a long walk to Crosta and I waited a long while to buy truffle pizza, while my friends went to Gino's and also bought pizza there. It was crowded because not only was it the peak dinner hour, the pizza at Crosta is also so good, it was once cited as the 12th best pizza places in the world. Imagine that. World class food served just several blocks away from my condo unit. And exactly because my condo is several blocks away, we decided to take a long walk there to eat and play nintendo switch afterwards.

For a few short moments, all that seemed to exist in the world was the soft crackle of pizza crust torn apart by greasy fingers, the taste of honeyed cheese slathered with truffle oil and chili flakes, the sound of my friends chewing, swallowing good food and heaving from exhaustion. And seconds later, laughter, as we collectively realize how hungry all the walking made us.

Acceptance is a state of mind known well to those who have lived through grief. It was peculiar to me, that during that short moment of eating pizza with friends, that acceptance was what I felt. It was as if I have been grieving for something for so long. As if I have made peace with everything I have lost. As if all I have in the present is enough.

Today I jogged along Ayala Avenue and pondered about how much I have. A cute, cuddly and loving dog. A loving partner. Loving friends. Good knees. good lungs and good eyes, that could take me running to see the blue sky narrowed by skyscrapers and the morning sunlight coloring the leaves a lively yellow-green. And it dawned on me why I felt acceptance yesterday. With this much in my life, there is not much to grieve for.

[besfren]

I failed a case presentation recently. I gave it my all, failed and the failure gutted me. I legitimately had fleeting thoughts that life was not worth living. I took a sick leave a few days later because I kept crying at work. Nakakahiya na. I had to recuperate.

Last night, I had this peculiar dream that I was in a room with versions of myself younger and older sitting on wooden chairs in a circle. The older ones were more stoic, calm and observant. They told me that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter and a younger passionate one stood up and berated me for making a studying intellectual my entire personality. If you weren't such a nerd it wouldn't matter. Nerd ka lang ba? Stinging. But valid. I stammered to make excuses, to make them see the reason why I hold on to the loss so adamantly but they all shook their heads and turned away.

Sometimes we just have to live through the present I guess. Losses aren't all there is to this life.

[besfren]

Can I just say, as a doctor, hate na hate ko yung mga religious people who coerce my patients to pray and not take their medications? Andami ko ng naencounter na nagworsen because they put their sickness into their religion.

And it's not even because I don't believe in god but rather because I have to manage a damaged kidney, a failing heart, a psychotic episode over the preexisting medical condition when the prayer doesn't work for diseases, and the weeks spent in prayer give the disease time to ravage their internal organs.

Misinformation kills that way. Insidiously. Using faces of people you know from church.

And oo, I'll treat them and maintain a neutral stance. It's just that every time I hear that story, I rage deep within.

[besfren]

Omote! I had my second anniversary there with my bf. It's wild how time flies by.