Why is it that I feel like leaving the church was a blessing? It's quite ironic that a lot of good things unfolded when I left my life as a baptist. I quit the church because I no longer felt like it, the last straw was when the pastor said that depression is a form selfishness, because we should share our burdens with our brethren.
It was hard at first as I was always a churchgoer throughout my life. There, people say "You're so blessed" when they notice that a church member receives a good thing, a growing family, a job, a new house. Personally, church always feels like work or school. I need to dress up nicely for it and perform in front of my churchmates, be a good, polite, friendly person for them, take my elder's hands to my forehead for a bless. And then suddenly, when I left, Sundays became one more free day. Initially I wasn't used to it and spent the day in my bedroom, and then over time I spent it with my friends, hiking, climbing mountains, going on a run, or however I willed my Sunday to be. Free time was the first blessing of leaving.
Out of church, I pursued love which would be an aberrant form of it, at least in my churchmate's eyes. Leaving the church gave me freedom from that judgement. I could call myself gay and not be ashamed of it. It wasn't easy to unlearn shame, but doing so became such a blessing.
One by one the blessings piled up. It's ironic that the reason I left the church ended up becoming my focus on my job. I'm now training to work as an MH professional. I guess I do care that much about it. (Grabe, in retrospect, that was such a subtle sign about how much I care about this field - inaksyonan ang belief hindi kinall out lang)
And now I have a boyfriend whom I shamelessly love, and he takes me to the job that I love and buys me meals that I love during overnight duties at the hospital. And I have a dog that I love, who demands a hug every time I go home. I love where I live. I love what I wear. I love the friends that I have. And wildly, some days I even love existing, despite how bad this country is going.
It's like... I now have a lot of things to be grateful for, and so much love in my life, and nobody to be grateful to. When I'm grateful, I mutter a prayer to the universe out of habit, but really, the universe is simply what I name the god-shaped void.