Bestie

Magkano yung aso sa may bintana? Arf arf

[besfren]

Posted by Jemuel Fuerte on Facebook. This is such an apt poem for my thoughts right now. It's june, the month my mother died, I loved her to bits when she lived. And this month is the month of pride. I have deviated so far from her light, but the sad truth is, I am happier with who I am now. Now that I have divorced myself from who she wants me to be.

[besfren]

I'm embarrassed to admit but I don't remember names and faces well.

[besfren]

I got a new ring! This one is from MN+LA. It's a bit big. Akala ko kasi maliit lang hahaha pero okay lang. It's a ring that really commands attention eh.

[besfren]

Why is it that I feel like leaving the church was a blessing? It's quite ironic that a lot of good things unfolded when I left my life as a baptist. I quit the church because I no longer felt like it, the last straw was when the pastor said that depression is a form selfishness, because we should share our burdens with our brethren.

It was hard at first as I was always a churchgoer throughout my life. There, people say "You're so blessed" when they notice that a church member receives a good thing, a growing family, a job, a new house. Personally, church always feels like work or school. I need to dress up nicely for it and perform in front of my churchmates, be a good, polite, friendly person for them, take my elder's hands to my forehead for a bless. And then suddenly, when I left, Sundays became one more free day. Initially I wasn't used to it and spent the day in my bedroom, and then over time I spent it with my friends, hiking, climbing mountains, going on a run, or however I willed my Sunday to be. Free time was the first blessing of leaving.

Out of church, I pursued love which would be an aberrant form of it, at least in my churchmate's eyes. Leaving the church gave me freedom from that judgement. I could call myself gay and not be ashamed of it. It wasn't easy to unlearn shame, but doing so became such a blessing.

One by one the blessings piled up. It's ironic that the reason I left the church ended up becoming my focus on my job. I'm now training to work as an MH professional. I guess I do care that much about it. (Grabe, in retrospect, that was such a subtle sign about how much I care about this field - inaksyonan ang belief hindi kinall out lang)

And now I have a boyfriend whom I shamelessly love, and he takes me to the job that I love and buys me meals that I love during overnight duties at the hospital. And I have a dog that I love, who demands a hug every time I go home. I love where I live. I love what I wear. I love the friends that I have. And wildly, some days I even love existing, despite how bad this country is going.

It's like... I now have a lot of things to be grateful for, and so much love in my life, and nobody to be grateful to. When I'm grateful, I mutter a prayer to the universe out of habit, but really, the universe is simply what I name the god-shaped void.

[besfren]

Knowing most gender-based violence ay gawa ng lalake, mabuti na lang siguro na kahit dalawa kaming lalake sa relationship, hindi abusive yung relationship namin. Like, maam, that's twice as much risk factor than straight couples.

I'm undergoing training kasi on how to spot abuse in relationships and yung mga nababanggit na examples, yung ex ko ang naaalala ko. Like yeah okay he wasn't physically violent pero yung mental health ko with that man was very poor. A therapist friend even had to point it out to me, months after the relationship ended, that even the slamming of doors and name-calling was emotionally abusive.

[besfren]

Mental health professionals struggle too. Personally, nahirapan ako when I dug deeper into my relationship with my father and noticed that his behavior fits a personality disorder. It's such an irony. Before I chose to be a mental health professional, I once wrote about how my ex reminds me of my father, and it was because same lang sila ng pattern. Different people same personality disorder.

The diagnosis makes so much sense in the context of my childhood, kaya nahirapan ako. It makes so much sense how, as children, when we accidentally do something that my father perceives as a slight, he will inflict pain on us in retaliation, and he'll use the word of god to ameliorate the guilt of his abuse.

Mahirap lang intindihin for me yung "It's not your fault" because the dysfunction of our relationship has been blamed on me for the longest time and it's ingrained in me, yung perception na ako yung problema.

And it's wild honestly to realize that your own father wasn't emotionally equipped to be a parent. No therapy. No meds. Just kids bearing the brunt of your dysfunction.

[besfren]

Last night, the boyfriend and I were supposed to go to a massage place but a blackout rendered the elevator unusable. So we were stuck to our unit and slept instead. 3k din nasave dahil sa black out hahaha

[metamorphesque]

embraces (melt into me)

joseph lorusso, nicoletta tomas, malcolm liepke, joseph lorusso, ron hicks, peter wever, joseph lorusso, colley whisson

[besfren]

Super rare for me, as a Mindanaoan from a quite unknown city, to encounter another citizen from my hometown as a patient in the specialist hospital in the metro where I'm taking my residency. And it's such a bittersweet feeling to take their histories, to hear Bisaya the way it's spoken by people from my hometown, to listen to the harrowing experience they have gone through, and to maintain an objective distance to treat them by the same standards I use on other patients.

It's complicated there but I do miss home.

So childish to say it but I do wish that things were simpler. I wish I had a more harmonious relationship with my father. And I wish that my people in my hometown weren't so underserved, that I wouldn't be impelled to stay where I'm not flourishing as much as I had hoped. And I wish I love my residency more than I do.

[besfren]

Sobrang humbling manirahan sa Makati tngina. Kakasahod lang, paid my bills, then gipit na yung vibe ng bank balance. Parang need na rumaket ah.

[besfren]

Yesterday, my friends and I hung out at Sulok Coffee in Legaspi. I brought my dog because it was one of those pet friendly coffee spots in Makati and a book so I could continue reading one of Carl Jung's books, as his work has been my niche interest for a while.

Afterwards, we went on a long walk to Crosta and I waited a long while to buy truffle pizza, while my friends went to Gino's and also bought pizza there. It was crowded because not only was it the peak dinner hour, the pizza at Crosta is also so good, it was once cited as the 12th best pizza places in the world. Imagine that. World class food served just several blocks away from my condo unit. And exactly because my condo is several blocks away, we decided to take a long walk there to eat and play nintendo switch afterwards.

For a few short moments, all that seemed to exist in the world was the soft crackle of pizza crust torn apart by greasy fingers, the taste of honeyed cheese slathered with truffle oil and chili flakes, the sound of my friends chewing, swallowing good food and heaving from exhaustion. And seconds later, laughter, as we collectively realize how hungry all the walking made us.

Acceptance is a state of mind known well to those who have lived through grief. It was peculiar to me, that during that short moment of eating pizza with friends, that acceptance was what I felt. It was as if I have been grieving for something for so long. As if I have made peace with everything I have lost. As if all I have in the present is enough.

Today I jogged along Ayala Avenue and pondered about how much I have. A cute, cuddly and loving dog. A loving partner. Loving friends. Good knees. good lungs and good eyes, that could take me running to see the blue sky narrowed by skyscrapers and the morning sunlight coloring the leaves a lively yellow-green. And it dawned on me why I felt acceptance yesterday. With this much in my life, there is not much to grieve for.

[besfren]

I failed a case presentation recently. I gave it my all, failed and the failure gutted me. I legitimately had fleeting thoughts that life was not worth living. I took a sick leave a few days later because I kept crying at work. Nakakahiya na. I had to recuperate.

Last night, I had this peculiar dream that I was in a room with versions of myself younger and older sitting on wooden chairs in a circle. The older ones were more stoic, calm and observant. They told me that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter and a younger passionate one stood up and berated me for making a studying intellectual my entire personality. If you weren't such a nerd it wouldn't matter. Nerd ka lang ba? Stinging. But valid. I stammered to make excuses, to make them see the reason why I hold on to the loss so adamantly but they all shook their heads and turned away.

Sometimes we just have to live through the present I guess. Losses aren't all there is to this life.

[besfren]

Can I just say, as a doctor, hate na hate ko yung mga religious people who coerce my patients to pray and not take their medications? Andami ko ng naencounter na nagworsen because they put their sickness into their religion.

And it's not even because I don't believe in god but rather because I have to manage a damaged kidney, a failing heart, a psychotic episode over the preexisting medical condition when the prayer doesn't work for diseases, and the weeks spent in prayer give the disease time to ravage their internal organs.

Misinformation kills that way. Insidiously. Using faces of people you know from church.

And oo, I'll treat them and maintain a neutral stance. It's just that every time I hear that story, I rage deep within.

[besfren]

Omote! I had my second anniversary there with my bf. It's wild how time flies by.

[besfren]

Hanging out with friends gave me much perspective about love. One of my friends always bring up that I'm not physically attracted to my bf. I am, in some ways, but not the kind where I'd swoon over him for his looks, and it's not that I don't swoon over him at all, I do. It's just that:

For me di siya pogi, di rin siya pangit.

Kamahal mahal siya regardless of his looks.

Madali naman siyang mahalin.

When you're young it's hard to delineate physical attraction from love. Usually kasi dun nagmumula. Pero iba kami. Nagsimula kasi kami dahil kapansin pansin for me yung bait niya sa akin. He gave me salt on a mountain, when I was cramping from premature exhaustion and he didn't leave me behind on that hike. Mahal ko siya no doubt, and I have no regrets choosing him over the many more physically attractive men in Makati kasi super bait niya.

[besfren]

I used to abhor Metro Manila. Life in the province was everything to me at least, it was, until I moved to Makati. I live near the CBD, and I live with my parter and my imported dog also hailing from my hometown in Mindanao. It's an expensive life but everything is here. There's a park, cafes, michelin restos. I can walk to Lasema and get an immaculate massage. I can go to Subic or Tagaytay on the weekends and run on Ayala Avenue.

I grew up so insecure in a small Mindanaoan city, with people mocking me for being well-read as a child, and being too inept in DOTA, and basketball and swimming and track and all the things that matter in small cities. Feel ko if I grew up in the metro, I would've had a less stressful life and come to terms with my sexuality earlier, without wrestling against it for years.

The only qualm I have in Makati is that it's less soulful. Unlike in my hometown, I don't fear walking through an unlit rut in the grass deep into the night because my house is so far away from the street lamps. There are no numinous mango trees growing to an unnatural enormity. There are no suspiciously-shaped rocks encountered in the woods. No black nights, spent sweating in linens, where the nightlife sound is the roar of a million crickets. Yes, Makati has the largest trees in the Metro, but there's no true unbridled wilderness here.

Kahit manila boy na ako, a part of me still believes that truly soulfulness can only be achieved through a connection with nature and there's nothing like that here in the Metro, unfortunately.

[besfren]

Umuuso yung thinking na "don't ever date a broke man" sa social media. I used to be broke. I mean may konting pera naman ako pero not enough to sustain adult dating. At one point, I told my bf na I couldn't see him as much because I don't have money and I ALWAYS want to split the bill 50-50. And he insisted to pay it for me instead. During those days, he once bought me laceless onitsuka shoes. During my duties as a medical intern, he would send over grab food tapos yung mga mahalin na pagkain like zarks.

Nakakahiya pero I look back at those times with grace. Now, it's my bf who's on his broke era and I plan and pay for our dates. I fuel his car. I pay for our groceries. I buy him minimally expensive gifts. And I don't regret spending for him at all. Because I know this love is worth more than money. Siyempre di rin ako susobra sa budget ko.

I guess swerte lang ako to find a partner in this life.