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if you get reblogs from this place, sorry. i just want to have random things that i relate to here :) i believe that i might be plural, but my "parts" (as i typically tend to refer to them) aren't super distinct, so they might influence posts here sometimes i guess, im not really sure. my supposed system is confusing and i don't really know what's going on. explaining just so avoid any sort of confusion. that's enough preamble okay cool
isolated in a place i should belong in
uma mutsumi
uma mutsumi
median culture is being forever jealous of systems who can tell their headmates apart </3
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Median culture is feeling like a blank slate.
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Median culture is: “Well I can tell I’m acting different, and thats about it.”
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is anyone else terrified of sharing system things that happen to you and posting them publicly in fear of being incorrect in your own lived experiences
blurry
“Why do you still need a stuffed animal to sleep” sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up and I’ve turned 9 years old and I am confused and in need of comfort from someone or something that won’t ridicule me when I ask for help thank yewww
things I didn't realize were signs of covert DID
a lot of "signs of plurality" lists focus heavily on introjection and alter communication, two things that we have very little of. we wanted to lay out some experiences we had prior to syscovery with a focus on memory loss, identity confusion, dissociation, and unconscious masking since these are what we experience most. we hope this helps someone.
this is not an exhaustive list and identifying with it does not guarantee anything nor does not identifying with it mean you are not plural. we are one system and these are our experiences, which have heavy overlap with our other comorbid conditions. you know yourself/ves best, use your own judgement when reading.
feeling as though i was never a child even when my body was, that i was always an "old soul"
feeling as though i never stopped being a child, that my body aged without me
feeling as though it is my first day on earth and nothing has existed before the present moment
experiencing all of the above so strongly at different times that i cannot imagine feeling any other way
"i don't hear voices, i just have multiple overlapping trains of thought all reacting to and arguing with one another. probably the ADHD"
feeling upset as a kid that my imaginary friends didn't act the way i wanted, or that they didn't like me
remembering my childhood in third person, as though watching a movie of my own life
feeling as though i am having lines fed to me when talking about myself
remembering times that i was upset, but with the inciting incident cut out. being unable to understand why i felt the way i did
feeling as though the "real" me died a long time ago and i took their place
being talented at acting and lying. feeling like i have spent my whole life acting, as though "i" am a character i put on for other people
being afraid of voicing opinions because i know they might change suddenly, being upset when someone tells me a supposed opinion of mine that i no longer remember or agree with
knowing when i am supposed to have an opinion on something but not knowing what it is, having to make up my own opinions based on what i think "i" would most likely say
"what did you do today" i don't know "how do you feel" i don't know "what do you want" i don't know "did you have work yesterday" ...probably?
feeling like my body sometimes says things that my mind does not remember/agree with, or that i'm surprised to hear the things i'm saying
reflexively lying about things i didn't do because i assume i must have forgotten about it
being freaked out when someone touches my stuff without telling me, because i assume i moved it and forgot entirely. being afraid of how quick i can forget things
having excellent memory as a young child and terrible memory as an adult
"face blindness" where i can tell that people look familiar but feel like i have never met them, being unable to put faces in context
feeling like i have never actually met my own friends and loved ones
"i don't have amnesia, i can objectively tell you what happened. even when i do forget, i can usually put it together through context clues."
"it can't have been that bad, i barely remember it and don't feel upset when i think about it"
"i can't have DID, nothing bad has ever happened to me"
no name ever feels right longterm
creating alt accounts due to a desire to "pretend" to be someone else
lacking a solid sense of identity, feeling like a hollow husk of a person who occasionally experiences moments of clarity and wants to be treated as someone other than the "me" i present to the world
"i've never had a switch, i just have an inconsistent sense of identity"
"i've never had a switch, i have always felt exactly the way i do right now"
feeling like my mind is being pulled in several different directions, especially when i'm upset. being unable to act because different "parts" of me want different things
feeling jealousy when seeing other systems be open about their plurality. feeling like it's something you're not supposed to talk about
feeling guilty for being happiest when i'm "faking" plurality
feeling drawn to stories about possession, secret identities, or doppelgangers
all of the above being such routine experiences that i never even thought to question them
being plural is so funny because i’ll be watching from a backseat in my own mind as someone else wearing my face talks and interacts with people i’ve known all my life, which would normally be horrifying but they’re my brain homies so it’s chill
being plural is so funny because i’ll be watching from a backseat in my own mind as someone else wearing my face talks and interacts with people i’ve known all my life, which would normally be horrifying but they’re my brain homies so it’s chill
"I just find it hard to believe some people who claim to be systems. why do all their alters have strange names and unique appearances and weird mannerisms?" queer people are disproportionately at risk of experiencing childhood trauma. autistic people are disproportionately at risk of experiencing childhood trauma. there are countless studies on this if you want to hear it right from the source. childhood trauma is the driving factor behind a massive majority of DID/OSDD system formations. I trust that you can connect the dots here!
if you intentionally choose to disregard peoples' existences based on their appearance or behaviours, you have biases that you absolutely need to deconstruct before people like me can ever feel safe around you.
you can start by saying nothing about how you "just can't believe it" when someone you don't know exists as a system where you can see. you can keep going by trusting the people in your life when they share extremely vulnerable information about themselves.
telling someone that you're part of a system feels like exposing your soft underside. I've cried from terror almost every time I've had to reveal it to someone I care about, and I don't cry easily. if someone tells you they're part of a system, they're placing a monumental amount of trust in you.
please don't break that trust.
actually, another thing!!! you are seeing systems who:
1. actually know that they're systems (this is rare. being online makes resources on figuring it out WAY more accessible) 2. happen to exist in the same online space as you, the tumblr user reading this 3. are, as a result, usually younger and/or autistic and/or queer, which are all factors that can influence individual alters' identities.
so of COURSE you think we're all like this. you're looking at one damn tree instead of the whole forest!!! there are systems who are 60 years old and never had the resources to figure out what was going on. there are systems who are 30 and barely use social media for personal reasons. there are systems who are 20 and don't tell anyone because of the cruelty they've faced every time they try. there are systems who are 15 and are SO relieved to have answers to why everything felt weird and wrong their whole life, so they shout it from the rooftops. your limited interactions with systems in specific online spaces does not represent the majority of systems on earth.
even if it did represent the majority of systems on earth we STILL deserve to be treated like people. this should not be something I have to beg for!!!!!
I'm in tears. I'm in tears.
ID: tags that say: #Reading pre-internet documentation of systems will give you such a sense for our history #Thinking about the system who got dianosed at 70 who had a Snow White introject. She found out at 70. #l think about her so much. I wish knew more about her than a passing comment in a text book. #The world is so vibrant if you become curious rather than hateful/End ID
if i do disappear at some point i want to at least be remembered for attempting to figure out who i was
i've said time and time again that i'm not someone who's human, and it's something i've always felt conflicted about. conflicted in the way that the idea drives it mad, makes me feel like i'm stuck in an endless loop of having some sort of main character syndrome and putting myself up on a pedestal high above everyone else around me like i'm some special person and believing that the world revolves around me, has me feeling like i'm just convincing myself of some idiotic childish delusion where i need to get back to reality and just wake up, leaves me feeling endlessly confused about myself and who i'm supposed to be.
but at the same time, i've always felt isolated from everyone around me. i have some semblance of happy memories from when i was a kid, but even in those moments i wonder if that was ever really me either, or if the "me" that exists today is just something that spawned into existence one day and is only vaguely connected to whoever lived before. even now, as i'm writing this, i feel like i'm falling back into that delusion, avoiding reality by convincing myself of something i can't definitively prove. i'll have moments (regularly lasting only a couple minutes to some lasting hours) of not feeling alright, of feeling faint sensations almost in my body itself to occasionally the world around me. talking about any of this in-depth feels like an impossible task because i know that i've had psychotic breaks before, and i worry about ending up back in that mindset if i focus on it and think about it for long enough, because it feels inevitable. i've probably already started.
i think i inevitably seek out labels in an attempt to ground myself to reality (whether that's gender or mental illnesses), always searching for some new answer to help me feel okay and alright just for that moment, before i push it away because it feels like something i'm not supposed to have, time and time again. it's hard to rid myself of the worry of "appropriation", feeling like a leech that takes advantage of people's experiences and forcing my own delusions onto them, turning real struggles into something i only selfishly use to make myself feel happy. it feels gross and violating, like i'm a mindless creature only focused on herself, and nothing ever sticks, never feels right or like "myself".
i've always had a tendency to view myself in fictional characters, sitting there and imagining myself in worlds different than this one in moments where i felt like nothing was getting better, and all that's left me with is the same haunting feeling of not knowing who i am anymore, of looking in the mirror and feeling fine one day and glancing away every chance i get on a different day. sometimes i wish my voice was different, my body was different, or my entire life was something else, and no matter how hard i want that feeling to go away it never does, lurking in the back in my brain and reminding me of its existence every time i look in the mirror again or have to act as normal humans do. i want there to be some sort of catharsis moment, a time where everything finally clicks into place and i'm able to finally see myself for whoever or whatever i am, but it feels like that day will never come. i'm never going to be a person, no matter how hard i try. it hurts me seeing people and beings so sure of who they are, being able to say as openly as they're able to that they're themselves, already having that catharsis moment. i'll wander through pages of profiles and websites, attempting to learn about people whose apparent sense of identity i yearn to understand and have in my life so badly, but i always end up questioning myself, ending up back at the starting line.
i wish the world was better. whenever i end up in those spirals of yearning and wanting something more, i sometimes end up in places not for people like me, places where thoughts like these are demeaned and mocked, where it just causes me to feel like i'm truly not human in the way of being a monster, of being someone so terrible and stupid the only way to discuss them is in the most dehumanizing way possible, someone who's worthy to be mocked and demeaned. and it all leaves me feeling disheartened, like these spirals aren't leading me anywhere other than isolating myself even more from everyone i know. even as i'm writing all of this right now, it feels like i'm causing myself to end up at that same brick wall, the thing that separates me from the world. it's an endless cycle.
i'm just a copy of everyone around me, not really a person.
periodically i think some shit like. "maybe i'm not actually plural and instead i just made up different assumed identities to adapt to scenarios around me and then arbitrarily decided that they'd have names." and then i think about what i just said
some random thoughts on plurality, from talking with another system friend about it this evening
the thing is, no one experiences plurality the same as you do. the sheer breadth of lenses every system sees themselves through is boundless, immeasurable. how you think, how you carry yourselves in mannerisms and speech, how you "front" or occupy headspace, or even if there's a personal concept of "headspace" at all!— it's all highly specific to the system, and figuring out how you operate is often a continuously-evolving journey of self-discovery. while there are numerous common threads that weave through Most experiences of plurality, there's not really an existing "baseline" that encapsulates it all. i wouldn't say this is strictly a good or a bad thing, but i will say that for those of us who are harshly self-judgemental and are quick to discount the validity of our own experience (hi), having direct points to draw comparisons from can often be a harrowing experience! conversely, having none to draw from can also suck a lot!! it all can be confusing and scary, especially early on in your journey. to give a personal anecdote: i have yet to find anyone describe or even articulate the exact way we "front". unlike seemingly most of our system friends, the lot of us are almost always present. there are no gaps in memory, as we're all aware and cognizant of our body and our surroundings at all times. our stye of thought/internal dialogue is very conversational in the way we play off of each other, (to the point where in the presence of others it almost feels... performative?) and this is reflected in how we speak through something like pluralkit, where we each have a name and picture to draw clear distinctions between each of us. this constant hot-swapping and fluid switching is something that has often been remarked as notable by other system friends. however a lot of this tends to break down in irl actions, especially in conversation with others. it feels like the meat puppet has a mind of its own, saying and doing things that almost leaves us dazed afterwards, with all of us thinking "wait... which one of us said all of that?" sometimes there are obvious physical "takeovers" where one or two of us assumes more direct control, but more often than not we cannot simply attribute whatever the hell we're physically doing or speaking to any one of us. weirdly enough the effect is almost amplified if someone irl knows of our plurality, in which case most of us find it difficult to truly "speak" for ourselves. we each have our own distinct "voices" in headspace— pitch, clarity, inflection, speed, etc.— yet none of them sound like whatever the stupid meat puppet croaks out. it's dysphoria, simply put. in voice, frame, fashion, the list goes on. internally, our plurality is natural and flowing. externally? stilted, awkward, almost feels fake and performative. embarrassing. dysphoric. does any of this weird experience threaten the validity of our plurality? are we just a singlet that's faking it? well, no, not at all!! (hell if anything it reinforces the dysphoria we each feel, of being unable to individually present ourselves in a way any of us is comfortable with!!) however for burgeoning systems that are just beginning to get a grasp on understanding themselves, these sorts of discrepancies and oddities and things not oft heard from other systems are prime material to be burnt under the hot glare of a microscope. searching fervently to find terms and definitions for things, freaking out if they cannot find anything that describes their own experiences. i can't say i've seen a lot of systems bloom right before my eyes, but far too often i've witnessed plural friends continuously question themselves, and it just... sucks, to see them beat themselves up in such a manner. i don't have anything profound for you here, only conjecture based on my own and friends' experiences. if you're unsure of yourself/yourselves, if you're unable to dig up existing account of an aspect of how you work, and find yourself deep in the throes of destructive self-interrogation: bonks u on the head congrats!! ur plural now. idiot.
