Becoming Bettina

[bettinanichole]

I grew up wearing chucks because they were what we could afford. So when they became popular in the late 90's I was stoked. Finally something considered cool I could get behind AND afford. That is, until E saw me wearing my black ones on my way to class one day freshman year. Out of nowhere I was a poser and a wannabe and I remember feeling embarrassed and small and wanting to be invisible as she and her girlfriends walked away laughing at me. This experience didn't break me. I still where whatever the fuck I want. I've never understood the concept of judging a person by what they wear. But I did grasp the concept of not fitting in before I've proven I belong somehow. Whether it be music, gaming, movies, or dressing a certain way, I've had friends and family hint or bluntly state I don't actually like that thing or fit in if I can't list some random fact or do it right the first time or give some evidence of my devotion to the issue. It's strange how these things seep into other parts of my life. Like doubting if I can be successful at my job or not. I'm not fishing for encouragement. I'm just really fucking exhausted from caring more than you do about what you think I can or cannot think/do/be. This imposters syndrome needs to kick the curb. #anxiety #growth #becomingbettina (at Goose Hollow, Portland)

[bettinanichole]

Todays Christmas carols, cookie decorating, and all the holiday goodness I could hope for was to brought to me by Jenn. And it was pure bliss. #christmas #christmastree #cookies #cookiedecorating #tistheseason #holidayparty #spreadthelove (at Milwaukie, Oregon)

[bettinanichole]

Today was my final day as an intake specialist, screening youth into the homeless youth continuum of Portland. I'm gonna miss the cozy office and the unique experience of helping the young folks feel welcomed and safe as they enter into the chaotic world of services. This job challenged me more than I thought it would, testing the endurance of my empathy and the strength of my heart. I'm so grateful for the team I had to work with. You were my supporters and encouragers and rejuvenation. And you helped provide me with the knowledge and confidence needed to continue further in my career. Thank you for helping me put another pin in my map. #youvecomesofar #socialworkspeak #anxiety #growth #newadventures #putapininit #pdx (at Portland, Oregon)

[bettinanichole]

Found myself an autumn rainbow on this blustery day. #autumn #portlandoregon #portland #leaves #fallcolors #pnw #pnwonderland #rainbows #rainyday (at Goose Hollow, Portland)

[bettinanichole]

A view I was able to capture on my own. It's quite the beautiful morning here in P-town. 😍 #pdx #pdxskies #skyporn #rainbow #pnw #pnwonderland #sunrise #panorama #portland #portlandoregon #autumn #autumnsky (at Goose Hollow, Portland)

[bettinanichole]

A view I was able to capture on my own. It's quite the beautiful morning here in P-town. 😍 #pdx #pdxskies #skyporn #rainbow #pnw #pnwonderland #sunrise #panorama #portland #portlandoregon #autumn #autumnsky (at Goose Hollow, Portland)

[bettinanichole]

Thanks to @colorcocktailsbygelsey for my amazing copper hair. 😍😍😍 #colorcocktails #hair #haircolor #pdx #pdxstylist (at Privé Salon Spa)

[bettinanichole]

Autumns palette calms my soul 😍🍂🍁❤️ #autumn #autumn🍁 #autumnleaves #artpalette #autumnweather #converse (at Little Red's Bakeshop)

[bettinanichole]

Today marks the end of an era for my family. My grams turns over the keys of our family home for the past 41 years tonight. This is where I learned the meaning of family, where I learned to strive even when it's hard, where I found refuge from storms both literally and figuratively, where I learned to count in Spanish, the truth about Santa, secret family recipes, and the importance of taking time to say goodbye. Love and kindness and happiness happened here. I wish all these things for the new family, and ours as we move onto our next adventures. Goodbye favorite floor ever. #foreverhome #newadventures #family #homeiswheretheheartis (at Eagle Creek, Oregon)

[bettinanichole]

I've been trying to think for a while how to address my issues with the 100 happy days project. You may have noticed I stopped about a week short of my hundredth day. My heart fell out of it about halfway through, and most of the last posts felt obligatory instead of sincere, I wanted to complete what I said I would. And I was doing the project for a reason, to aid in coping skills as I weaned off my anxiety medications. I think that the project in general has well intentions. The idea that happiness can be a choice and is often a perspective is beautiful in its simplicity. I do think it's true, that generally we find what we are looking for in life, so if you're looking to be happy it might happen, because of that perspective shift. You learn to feel good with the small moments. I find it edges on an unhealthy fence though. Happiness is a great feeling, but often fleeting, and I'm no convinced it should be the goal or end result. It can become dangerous when you're a person with OCD (me) who has rigid ideas of perfection and a need to obtain it, coupled with an anxiety disorder. It can lead to depressive symptoms, questioning why the project isn't working to make you consistently happier. In steps self criticism and doubt and the worth begins to shred away. And repressed feelings suck. There's so many things in life that can make a person feel sad, which is appropriate and healthy at times. I think, in general, it reinforces a societal standard of happy=healthy=doing things right. Like telling a person to smile when they genuinely don't feel like it. I personally feel like it's not sincere, at least for me, who has a pretty high baseline of cynicism. Gratitude, however, I can get behind. It's possible to still be honestly thankful for things in life, even when it might be hard at the time. THAT I think is something important to learn. Those things are what pull me through when it's shitty. I'm worried about loved ones, but grateful I still have time with them. Sad my grams is selling her house, but proud of her retirement. And so on. I hate the connotation that it's no okay to feel anything other than happy. I'd much rather be grateful and genuine

[bettinanichole]

Noooooooooo! 😢😢😢 #favoriteboots #boots #bestillmyheart #dirtylaundry (at Downtown, Portland)

[bettinanichole]

Last night Adam woke me up screaming. Tonight I pulled myself out for a full on panic attack. I'm glad I've come to the point where I can recognize the state I'm in. It's been 10 years of therapy, medications, education, and hard work to see results mostly within the last two years. Another night I would have succumbed to the cognitive distortions longer than the 30 minutes I just did and let it eat me alive all day. I wouldn't have sought someone out (I'm gonna snuggle the snot out of husfriend in a second) and I wouldn't be sharing. If I did share, it more than likely would have been something foul and unwittingly hurtful toward myself/others. The ability to recognize a panic attack does not come easy. Even now it took me 30 minutes and I have to keep soothing myself, reminding myself it will pass, and reminding myself of the truths I know. But I'm so proud that they no longer are shrouded in shame and self-hatred. This is only possible thanks to the love that others have shown me, and my own growth in self love. I'm doing alright. But it's been kind of an emotional last two months for me. The dreams and 3am disturbances are a sign I'm repressing more than I'm realizing. A good reminder for me that it's okay (and healthier) to go through my phases. It's okay to be sad, mad, annoyed, worried, hurt, and want to be alone. I know we know these things as adults, but I feel so often being healthy means being happy. Or I have to be smiling all the time. It's times like these that I really miss my medications. I'll never be able to explain how much they helped to even just take the fuzzyness away so I could think rationally about something instead of internalizing and personalizing it. I still get there but it takes a lot longer now. Patience. Patience for myself, for others, for life. And for now, snuggles and sleep. #anxiety #growth #anxietyattack #anxietydisorder #watchlovegrow #selflove #loveyourself #itsgonnabeokay #patience #medication

[bettinanichole]

More adventures into the mind of primary school Adam. Someone was not very happy about their summer vacation plans. Im so glad his mom kept his school work. I'm DYING. 😂😂😂 #becomingaboles #watchlovegrow #journaling #mindofachild #littleboys #bolesfam #family

[bettinanichole]

Found husfriend's notebook from primary. Sucka ain't never gonna do what he wants again. 😂😂😂 #becomingaboles #watchlovegrow #married #marriage #marriedlife

[bettinanichole]

Happiest birthdays, Gelsey! May your hair be healthy and your year be bright! (at Rockcreek, Oregon)

[bettinanichole]

Tough week at work. We lost another youth and my heart is aching. Naturally, it exacerbated every emotion I had during my screenings and made it harder to shake off the trauma when I left work. Today I'm grateful my work provides free counseling, that today is my Friday, and this cheeky advice left behind by shelter youth despite the recent circumstances. I'm also grateful I have a home to return to which provides me with privacy to mourn, and a family that embraces me. Three things most of the youth I work with don't have, and could really use, always, but definitely during these times. #100happydays #nothappy #adviceforlife #octopus (at Portland, Oregon)

[bettinanichole]

This is my new favorite thing. I look forward to getting my homemade postcards and it's the best thing ever when I open my mailbox and find my surprise. ❤️❤️ #100happydays #homemade #diy #postcard #snailmail #penpals (at Portland, Oregon)