Perving on Human Nature

Spiller of words in an attempt to Create a writeblr

[bettyjessop]

Oh lord I do the right thing.

I do it everyday

I do it with all the tears of pain

Treacherous in my own eyes

Why is it I suffer so

Or return so little for the task endured

I bend until I cannot break anymore. Why do you torment me me so?

Twist my mind til it breaks

Til I am numb

from all the inflict alcohol

[bettyjessop]

What’s the point of it all? Why is it you do what you do? Why do you go on about each day? Even in the most charitable of lifetimes to give yourself entirely to another to help them rise and live above their poverty or their sadness or their grief there is another or another will fall back into it or the world will knock them back again. In the creative throws of life an expression or ideas to share for what purpose? In the psychological or the physical or the emotional or the dutiful there is no point. In the observation of how life exists in nature and it’s wonder and living in gratitude for its marvels. There is still no point. In the love of connection and souls and meetings of kindred spirits there is still no point. A life of giving that results in emptiness anyway. Each moment more shallow and fleeting then the next to realise a life’s worth is nothing to anyone else. Only at the graveside are tears cried and people missed not in the lifetime. All the intelligence and intellect even of those before is relearnt and changed and not even history shows a point as we all do what has already been done. There is no point. The joys of family and children who leave and grow and repeat the process all over. The search for inner peace that only exists in the truth of it all. There is no point. Life is all experienced and nothing more. No meaning no value and replaceable. It’s experience is your own. Your destiny your own mindset of what you deserve through karma. The rich feel they deserve to be so and therefore they are. I believe there is no point and have none in all of my experience and talents. I have done nothing with it. I am wasted. What’s the point.

[bettyjessop]

The ego astounds me.

The pride of opinion

The root of all evil

The damnation of us all

And watching as the world falls into disarray

[bettyjessop]

Give me a damn break.

Selfish to the core

All about your emotions

All about what you get

All about how you miss out

All about how I mean nothing

Slave to your whims to keep you happy

Asking for something to come back

Anything

Some sign that your love is real

That it’s not your ego that is in love

When it comes down to it

Is there a down to earth truth

Or is your mask down

Or is it that you just want to put me down

And down I go into the darkness

Hoping it is quiet where I go

Hoping I don’t have to live another day in your shadow

[bettyjessop]

I see you old man

Heart on your sleeve

Back bent from years of work for the family you love

I see you old man

Hating authority

And never understood why when I was young

I see you old man

Now old enough to spend time

Even though your family is all grown and gone

I see you old man

Heart aching for all that you missed

Turning bitter and sour in the pain that still is there

I see you old man

Not frail but tired

Lived a life so full in every hour and minute of the day

I see you old man

With your hatred for the world

That made you work til you were broken so you could miss your family growing up so you could contribute to a society that has long set you aside and shoved you in the corner

I see you old man

Because one day all the chasing of dreams won’t mean anything if you had to live your life for someone else

I see you old man

See the life in your eyes still

I miss you old man

[bettyjessop]

Ignore away. Remove yourself from my presence with every ounce of the stupidity that only an internet education could have offered you. Astound the world with your years of cellular biology not found under microscopes but in the bacterial growth between your arse and the couch whilst you read countless crap and believe it to be your opinion now. So let’s discuss? No! There is no room for discussion with some as education and aware as you. So let’s work our ideas out together ? No! No one could possibly know more then you do because you read it yourself. Not sure why the world has become the same stagnant place for centuries with all this knew technology and people are becoming less intelligent by the day. Guessing might be some ego and pride involved.

God how I miss a good conversation

[bettyjessop]

What’s the point of it all? Give til there’s nothing left and then you are still expected to find within your empty shell the last morsal of emotion to show care and gratitude towards the takers. Supports only hold so long before they snap. Like my mind really. Gone to bitter end of eternity. I have been in this hole before. I know it’s darkness. The cold here knows me too well. Like damp rising from a basement in winter to tremble the whole house. Give me something to numb me for I fear I do not have the strength to fumble around in this darkness. Something strong enough to kill me please so the bruises will go away. Etch my body outline in chalk and clean the sorrow from their faces lest we all see the darkness approach them. It will not find them for years will not be cried when I am gone. I have seen the plentiful of joyous times at funerals and at the wake where everyone knows what really happened and yet whilst I am here no one asks me. Shame that.

[bettyjessop]

Why is it that workers are paid more for their minds then their bodies. I sacrifice my mind and sanity in an office job or sacrifice my body in a labour job and the pay varies substantially. As a mechanic I am trained for four years and hold peoples lives in my hands with a simple ten millimeter bolt and have to know a variety of engineering and safety systems on a vast range of car bodies. Yet a nurse is trained for four years and on a variety of systems for one body and holds lives in their hands and yet are paid five times the amount of a mechanic. My body will break down and I will have cancer from all the carcinogens in the vehicles and my sleepless nights wondering if I correctly did my job today and no one died. A nurse will walk many miles and sacrifice their sanity and have the same sleepless nights for the correct performance of their job. Both effects are immediate. Both harm families. Yet the value of the trade is substantially different.

[bettyjessop]

Panic everywhere. Such fear and such chaos as the masses succumb to misinformation and confusion. We are all at the mercy of what we don’t know or understand. Death. Destruction. Loss. But families pulled closer then ever. Money shouldn’t be the priority as governments grip to saving an economy above the lives of its own people. Who does that benefit? Can the dead spend that money or is that the sacrifice you keep talking about we are all making. And the conspiracy runs rife and more people awaken everyday. Is it agenda 21. Is it the Chinese invasion and biological warfare. Is it a bat. Is it the adrenochrome harvest. Is it the rapture. Or is it the alien preparations to over come us. Is it the world saying enough. Or could it be that all the parts of conrpiracy are the parts we have heard in part and this is the plan in action. The full agenda 21 in search of new world order to defeat religion as revelations says whilst cleaning the planet with a biological weapon China is using to take over the world as the army of millions comes like in revelations and the elite are paid off in bodies of the dead and adrenochrome to enable it all to happen?? Is it possible instead of arguing who is right it should all be put together??

[bettyjessop]

Understanding the inevitable is like breathing inside a vacuum. It’s coming and we will go seperate ways for you love only yourself. The contempt. The stonewalling. The gaslighting. The disrespect. The endless scouting of the internet to try to save a marriage that cannot be saved when you see no problem. If I keep my mouth shut this works perfectly for you. No accountability. No work. No affection. No giving from you of any kind. No consideration or compassion. No conversation of anything that doesn’t relate directly to you. Just empty. Shallow empty and pretend. Sleeping in seperate rooms. Talking in passing with airs and graces of politeness to avoid any escalations. And yet not one question from you of how this relationship is going or not going. I am not as stubborn as you and I am breaking apart inside so much that I can barely keep a day together. The tears come thick and fast so that words blur on the page. There is no repair for this. You see nothing wrong. And I know that we could live this shadow forever until you find something else to move on. For you could not face the world with one more broken marriage. But it would all be my fault anyway. Always is. Even when I say nothing it still is. Such is the torment of twisted words you impale me upon each day that I am a shadow of who I once was. There is no smiling. No laughter. No joy. So why can I not just let you go?

[ophelia-network]

“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

— Epictetus

[bettyjessop]

I feel nothing

You leave with a smile

No kiss

No explanation

Just go

For hours

I feel nothing when your gone

I used to miss your presence like the night misses the warmth of the sun until it’s return. Coldest before the dawn.

I feel nothing

Cold like the frost of winter morning

Numb like the abyss of my scars on my heart

I say nothing

For every word is spoken and memorised as a weapon to be used against me and hold me accountable for every whim you need to sting me with to justify yourself

I do nothing

For there is nothing to do

I cannot leave for I have nowhere

I cannot ask for help

For I have no one

I cannot breathe

For you have control of the very air I breathe

I feel nothing

My tears are dry even though I feel them behind my eyes

I smile to persuade you I am happy

I agree to avoid your arguement

I console you to soothe your anger

I give everything to quieted your anxiety

I do not show you affection

For I feel none

I do not laugh

For it’s not funny

I feel nothing

Like I am dead inside and left bitter twisted in the cupboard til you have a need for conversation or ego or reassurance or support or something

Anything that you are not prepared to give out but need

I feel nothing

No hunger. No sleep. No dreams. No energy. No emotion. Nothing

I feel numb

How I wish to feel something

The end or the beginning

Or the change that this circle becomes

If I fight for what I feel I am shut down til I feel nothing so you can feel it all

I feel nothing

Because you have proven time again that I am nothing

I am nothing

Unless you need

And then I feel used as if I were nothing

I am nothing

To you

[bettyjessop]

Ridiculous game of ego maniacally played because you can’t have it your way. Now everyone will bow to you but they don’t have to. I choose not to and your ignorance does you no favour. The blessing of your silence comes as music to my ears. No complaints or whine. Just my own thoughts of blissful uninterrupted happiness that you cannot shut a lid on with your bitterness.

[bettyjessop]

Should of seen it from the start

But you promised me it wasn’t that

Said you loved affection then you stopped

But you blamed me for that

Said sex wasn’t everything but something you wanted

But you lied about that

Said I have a right to ask for what I need

But you turned that on me

Said my feelings mattered

But you ripped them out by saying they don’t

Said you wanted to sort things

But you don’t

You say that I have too many problems with you.

No I too many unresolved issues with you

Your problems are all sorted because I worked hard to do the things you asked of me. Mine keep coming up because your get out of jail card is to say I mustn’t like you or don’t want to be here because I have all these issues that you promised to work on

But you haven’t.

[bettyjessop]

If you want the attention of everyone else then go and get it. Don’t use me for your leg up to your pedestal whilst you disrespect me and push me down to lift yourself up. And don’t come home looking for that same downtrodden person to hold a normal conversation with you when every phrase I mutter is wrong. You cannot accept me for who I am then don’t bother. I’m not here for your ego. It anymore. I’m done with giving in and caving to your whims and your desires. When your parents needed help I busted myself day after day after day. But you have sat idle around the house for weeks and when I ask help with mine you suddenly have things to do that are anything but helping. I don’t even ask for your help or even care anymore. I no longer say I love you or kiss you goodnight. I no longer care to or have respect for you to do that.

[bettyjessop]

Never ceases to amaze me

I watch and wait as everything burns. Screaming inside prayers for everyone to be safe. And yet your concern is for you stomach. The echoing words of how right you are. The trampling of my opinion that you asked for so you could here your own. I wait for word that my family are safe and yet you seek your pedestal with no support nor concern. You claim to treat everyone the same yet I see that to be a lie. You claim to show affection whilst all watch but as soon as eyes are turned you run for the hills. So many broken promises and so many empty spaces. Yet another verification that what we have is not normal whilst you claim it to be and my unsatisfaction is my own. Yes it is my own. I am unsatisfied with your responses to me and your affections. I am unsatisfied with your opinion and your lack of sharing. I am unsatisfied with your broken promises and lack of effort. But mostly by your cold face lie that you never did it and I got it wrong. I have more to worry about and help with now then you. My country burns and you selfishly seek the spotlight. People everywhere embracing strangers and opening their homes and I can’t do any of that because it’s yours not mine. Trapped within and slave to you is where you want me to stay. I hate this place.

[bettyjessop]

Roll the words from your tongue like a truth set free