James

17, don't know anything, chronic misser

[bettysloverboy]

I know I miss you, you know I miss you...

[bettysloverboy]

Again it's the longest day of the year. What finds you assumes its place in the morning and stays. Like the sidewalk flowers refusing death in the heat. Even they see one childhood is already behind you. You've lived long enough to be less stunned (and foolishly) by how afternoon slows like a swimmer holding anything the sun becomes. People go in and out of the day— returning—sometimes with less of what no one promised them. Nights continue. Love is hard to account for. This is what summer has always been and where limerence goes on. And this is the light that arrives despite everything. It is the most light. It will happen more often than you expect.

—Alex Dimitrov, from Love and Other Poems; “Summer Solstice”

[bettysloverboy]

Sorry to break it to you but it really was your fault, dude. You have to face the CONSEQUENCES of your actions. Not an excuse that you're 17.

That's the EFFECT you have to live with.

"Standin' in your cardigan Kissin' in my car again Stopped at a streetlight You know I miss you."

You don't need to "break" anything to me. I already knew what I did was wrong. Shut up, maybe?

This will probably the last time I'll talk about this because people keep judging me. Ugh.

The effect of everything I told Betty was that it was never resolved because I was still alone by the end of my song. There's still the recurring sentiment that I miss her, which I know you all know means that I didn't get to have her.

Obviously, intellectually and cognitively, I think it has altered my brain for trying everything with her and failing. My thinking has now changed that Betty literally and objectively doesn't want me back anymore. In the beginning, I was hoping at least that she'd have a soft spot or try again with me.

And this affected me, duh. My attitude changed and my friends noticed I've been more forlorn, desperate, and sadder. My values are now shifting because of the worst thing I did to Betty (and that was go behind her back with another girl). I'm now more sensitive because I miss her. Do you notice how I said "I know I miss you," to "You know I miss you" at the end? Because nothing changed when she knew I missed her, and that hurt me.

As for my behavior, or the psychomotor aspect of it, if you feel formal, I'm probably not going near her house again or her friends if they're near. This is why I was so scared at the beginning and middle of it of what would happen if I went to her party—would she lead me to the garden or tell me to go fuck myself? I can't occupy a space with her anymore. I'm now learning to move away from her and re-calibrate my verbal and non-verbal behavior towards her.

[bettysloverboy]

Always making digital scrapbooks with the pictures I still have of her. It's bittersweet because I look at it and realize I don't have her anymore. Betty, you will always remind me of summer.

You were my summer.

[bettysloverboy]

Uh, James, are you like radically hated by your whole highschool? 😭 Why are you beefing with Inez, now? She's literally a sweetheart to everyone, especially Betty for exposing what YOU 🫵 were doing behind your "girlfriend's" back.

Maybe you're the NOISE on Betty's otherwise peaceful life.

"You heard the rumors from Inez You can't believe a word she says most times But this time, it was true The worst thing that I ever did Was what I did to you."

Can everyone from my high school who just want to egg on me disappear right now? You guys are annoying me. Can't a guy peacefully cry about this loss in his life? Assholes.

Inez is noise, THE interference. Because she gossiped, she literally interfered with the transmission and reception of my message. So I had to continuously assure Betty that she can't believe any word Inez says because she lies most times.

Lucky for Inez, she's not the only noise. I think I even had a little psychological and emotional experience with it, especially when I saw Betty dancing with another guy at prom, so the result was I kept quiet and shut myself in. Because who even was that guy? So obviously I had some preconceived ideas that Betty already hates me. And she probably had them, too, when I was with August paired with Inez's rumor spins. I always had wandering thoughts, too, doubts, and it's why you hear me asking: WILL YOU HAVE ME, BETTY? WILL YOU WANT ME? Like my strong emotions and me always having to admit to myself that I was wrong and I regret everything definitely contributed to the noise.

Physically, I guess you can say that I prefer quiet places, corners, even. So when I was at the far side of the gym because I hated large crowds and the noise it came with it, and I saw Betty talk to someone else, I kinda gave up.

[bettysloverboy]

I think it's ironic that the name "INEZ" rhymes with the Filipino word for annoyance, "INIS." Same number of letters and starting letter, too. Coincidence, I think NOT!

INEZ, YOU'RE A LOSER! I hope someone makes a rumor about your love life, too. See how you like that. And to think my Mom invited you over for barbecue for five consecutive summers.

[bettysloverboy]

Not me tuning in to the CHANNEL that is your love life (or lack thereof, oops!) 🫢

"But if I just showed up at your party Would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself? Or lead me to the garden? In the garden, would you trust me If I told you it was just a summer thing? I'm only seventeen, I don't know anythin' But I know I miss you."

(In a meta-level, I, James, the source-receiver, am encoding this through song and lyrical narrative through Taylor Swift's voice and song, with her album 'Folklore,' enabling me to tell our story. So, Taylor Swift as a medium of the story.)

I tried, with my body and gestures and facial expressions and voice, everything I could think of, to beg for her to come back to me. I'm so serious. I physically went to her house, made a song for her through my voice, talked with her to try and appeal to the way she would visually and auditorily respond to my messages. I kept trying to reach her through this tactile channel. I missed her and I couldn't even touch her or hug her.

But thanks for being interested in my downfall, I guess. LOL.

[bettysloverboy]

"I can't get my head around it I keep feeling smaller and smaller I keep feeling smaller and smaller I keep feeling smaller and smaller."

I need my girl...I need you, Betty

[bettysloverboy]

Got hurt so bad because of my dumb choices that I'm thinking of asking THE Taylor Swift to help me make a song for my Betty...what if? Then I could get my messages across to her...

[bettysloverboy]

Damn. You're DOWN BAD.

What happened after the party or after you begged her to talk to you in your texts? I'm curious about the FEEDBACK!

"Yeah, I showed up at your party Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch In front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings? I'm only 17, I don't know anythin' But I know I miss you."

I'm really sorry to disappoint the folks who were expecting some kind of grand reunion with Betty and I. Because that's not what happened unfortunately.

I've heard some rumors that she responded with a song called 'Cardigan,' but it wasn't really a direct response to what I said to her when I went to her house party. The lack of response was the feedback I received from her. Or as my friends call it, the silent treatment and just moving on from me, without me.

I think I'd have preferred her telling me to go fuck myself, haha. Any emotion or reaction would've been nice rather than a cold shoulder. So, yeah, on a negative note, I've been ignored. So here I am, still thinking about her, missing her, and not being with her physically nor emotionally.

[bettysloverboy]

The silence is deafening sometimes. Or in my case, I think it's going to plague me for a very long time. :(

[bettysloverboy]

Picture I took of Betty at the beginning of summer...how I wish I could take it back.

And we were singing this song, too:

[bettysloverboy]

I think you've already lost her, James. It's so clear she's moved on now. Why are you still bothering her? Like, I know you're not only the source of all these (pathetic) messages, but also the source of her heartbreak. Stop talking to her, okay?

"Betty, I'm here on your doorstep And I planned it out for weeks now But it's finally sinkin' in Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when You see my face again."

If you think this message can hurt me, you're wrong. Who are you, Inez's friend? Get lost.

And who's stopping me from texting her? She still hasn't blocked me, so 🤪

[bettysloverboy]

Talking to my bro about it...you know it's bad when that happens haha :(

[bettysloverboy]

Wait—I just followed you and I'm so invested in what's happening here LMAO!

Can you give me any CONTEXT on what you're going through right now?

"Betty, I won't make assumptions About why you switched your homeroom But I think it's 'cause of me Betty, one time, I was ridin' on my skateboard When I passed your house It's like I couldn't breathe."

Physically, I was gauging if I should go to Betty's house party to talk to her and that if I did, would she even consider making space for me? Leading me to her garden (where we always had private moments) to talk alone? So I did find myself at her doorstep because I planned it for weeks. It wasn't...how I thought it would be. So after our "talk," I went back to my car, stopping at a streetlight, and thought of her...missing her. Reminiscing.

Betty and I...have a strained relationship now, that I can tell. I think the whole social-psychological aspect of that gives you a bit of context why I'm acting the way I am and why I talk to her the way I do or why my messages (the lyrics) are framed like that. I'm unsure of where we both stand so I'm trying to understand that by talking to her. We had, wait, have a past so her animosity towards me is warranted even if it makes me sad. But I'm trying to rekindle something again, hailing from our past connection.

Even though the times shift in the song, the temporal context of it is that I stood by her door, talked to her, and left empty handed (which is to say, I am without the love of my life). I was hurt because I'd been mustering up the courage for weeks but still, I ended up alone in my car by the streetlight at night. And I kind of understand her despite it. There was a time in history where I spent summer nights with August and the context of me communicating with Betty wouldn't exist had this heartbreak between us didn't happen. I am talking to her and wrote the song "Betty" because it's what occurred after a realization that a relationship with Betty was what I really wanted and being with August didn't feel right. I still feel this way even when I saw her dancing with another douche guy at prom.

You should also know about Inez, I guess. The way I behaved was somehow influenced by her because I wanted to clear my name, especially with the rumors she'd been spreading to people and especially to Betty. And I didn't want the culture of the communication to be riddled by falsities, you know? I have my values—yes, I spent many nights with August but I was thinking of Betty. Betty, if you're reading this, please, will you have me again? Will you want me again?

[bettysloverboy]

What's the MESSAGE, James?

"But this time, it was true The worst thing that I ever did Was what I did to you."

What I want to encode in my message to Betty is that I am begging for her, I want to talk to her that I had to put my desire to reconcile with her in a song. I am sending the message to her that I want to talk it out, never mind what Inez said.

I went to her party physically to send my message, I stood at her front door, my clothes all soaked in sweat from my nervousness. I saw her talking to her friends at the party—she was always the life of it—and I aimed to communicate with her verbally, face-to-face so she could see how much I mean what I was saying.

Through my voice and my lips (who have dearly missed her) was how I encoded my message towards her.

[bettysloverboy]

She knows who she is...