I hope you weren’t expecting this to be an apology letter. Or one where I beg for you to come back, crying please treat me right, I’ll be better I promise.
Nope. I am done. Done done done. Sayonara, bye bye baby - done.
I thought the world was going to end when you left me alone with no explanation, and instead! Well. I woke up the next morning and I felt like I could breathe properly for the first time in months.
The fatigue and misery that had been following me around, embalming me…it turns out it was yours all along. I was carrying it for you, it was swallowing me whole, and then you left me because of how my shoulders sagged dragging around your mess. Our relationship was a leaky bucket. You were the bucket, I was the water. I could pour into you for the rest of my life and you would still never be full.
You had all the right words to begin with, darling. Oh you fed my ego so well, and I fell, hook line and sinker. And then the cracks began to show, your mask started to slip. I will admit, I was slower than I’d like to admit in catching onto you. You made it quite simple in the end, really. You played your big card - the rage! That petrifying rage you warned me about, the one I told you how terrified and hurt I would be if it were ever turned on me. Oh darling, you poor, poor boy. I saw you desperately trying to pull back control, not understanding in that moment that you had just lost it for good.
Did you think you were the first, the most special, the most cleverest boy to do this to me? To work your way into my mind and mine my kindness for every last ounce only to find you still needed more so you took the very material atoms that made up my energy, my light and substance. I saw my face going grey in the mirror, my body began to scream at me and I took far too long to hear it, so THANK YOU my love. Thank you for losing control. It was what I needed to confirm the suspicions you had so artfully evaded.
I told you anger scared me. What I didn’t tell you is that it is a trigger, a kill switch if you will. That rage, so pathetic and floundering in its attempts to shiv me and bleed me dry is exactly the key that set me free from you at last. I had seen it before my darling, many times over at this point, (it’s laughable really how I end up in the same situation over and over again but that’s a story for another day) I know it intimately and clearly enough that it doesn’t scare me at all. It is the bat signal, the “you were right” lightbulb in my suppressed intuition that opened the floodgates for me to come home to myself.
I was never crazy. Blind, definitely. I saw what I wanted to see. And you made me into what you wanted to see, not caring how much of me you destroyed in the process.
So goodbye, darling. Good luck trying to find the light you lost in me.
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
izzy806
blakekathryn
romaincrisis
