I decided to name this blog after the thing I say the most... well... besides fuck but I scream that at the top of my lungs so whatever. // Icon credit to: Arielle/alchemisticarus (who is art goals, just sayin).
Quarantine is probably the best time to come back and do anti lists but I need to gather some shit first :P I have hella drafts and projects but I don’t really know how I’m going to go about those yet
My Experience With Attachment Disorder and Relationships
This is something worlds away from what I usually do on any of my blogs, but it’s my personal so I can essentially write whatever I like and I decided that I was going to write this for me. It’s personal and with my feelings of distance from people I was once really close with created, what I feel is, a necessity for this post so here goes nothing.
I also want to get it out that I don’t openly talk about my mental health that often because I want people to see me for me and not my mental illness. I feel that everyone experiences mental illness differently and lumping everyone together in one labelled bag. Some of us get up, go to work, and cover up their illness as best they can and others can’t do that. Both, all, and any inbetweens are valid and correct and we shouldn’t be judged or compared by anyone other than a professional. (In short, I don’t want to be stigmatized).
I worked very hard to get to where I am and function as I do. I want to be looked at as a person that happens to have mental illness and not person with mental illness. We treat people differently between the two. I’m not my mental illness and I don’t want to be treated like I am.
I have an attachment disorder. Honestly, this is one of my many disorders and mental illnesses that I have. However, this one has both affected, effected, and infected my life the most. Since high school, I had the hardest time maintaining relationships. After a certain point of not talking or seeing each other, I found myself feeling distant to people that I was once close to, almost as if we were strangers again, but I was vaguely aware of who they were and what was happening in their life. I never paid it much attention because I had a hard time feeling close to people.
Then, I’d meet someone who I felt understood me and an amazing level. I’d manage to get attached really quickly and then something happens and suddenly I feel a distance. Like I don’t know how to talk to people anymore.
Why bring this up now?
Well, because lately, I’ve been feeling it with people that I’ve met here. And it’s weird and obnoxious because someone could tell me that we’re still friends and I’m not being annoying and this that and the other thing but my brain is telling me the opposite. My brain has created this distance out of nothing. It leads me to try (and fail) to reconnect with someone. It’s hard for me to dissipate that distance for many reasons. The main one is that I feel like I’m being annoying or trying for too much attention, which is another issue that I won’t go into.
It’s not that I don’t care about the person or anything, anymore, I just feel different. I feel like I’m an outsider and I don’t think that’s how that’s supposed to go. I’m aware of my attachment disorder, but I’ve had it for so long that I feel that’s how everyone is and it’s not. It’s not and that’s what bothers me cause reasonably, I know people don’t feel the distance/disconnect that I do after not talking or whatever in a long time.
It’s awkward. I’m not totally comfortable with posting this, but I think it’s important and I crave understanding. I want people to understand why I can seem distant or why I kind of fall off the Earth after a while. It has nothing to do with anyone else and my own perception and feelings. I still want to talk and communicate and all that other shit, I just don’t know how. Sometimes, I don’t feel human. There’s such a large disconnect that I don’t understand people, just like they don’t understand me. As things are, I really don’t understand how to go about changing it...
I always intend to come back here and get more screaming my grievances about TV shows and books but I haven’t been watching or reading much... Maybe when Summer comes around? Who knows! I will come back to complaining since people seem to enjoy it XD
Alright so I’ve been thinking about it a lot and just… I don’t understand the Bonnie/Kai ship appeal? Like sure, Kai may have feelings and be attracted to Bonnie, but she’s made it obvious that she hates him?? Like I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just don’t understand.
I’m actually not an anti, just honestly curious. I don’t and haven’t really shipped anything on the show, but I’ve always seen more from other ships when it came to support/defense/whatever you want to call it so I never had to pose the question and from what I’ve seen a lot of is focusing on Kai’s side of the relationship and why it would be good for him, but not so much on Bonnie’s side of things. I’m not saying that a lot/all people are doing that, that’s just what’s been showed to me the most since I never actually seek out ship stuff when it comes to TVD & TO since, y’know, I don’t really ship anything.
However, I skimmed over some meta posts and I can understand it a bit more so thank you for suggesting that. Hadn’t really though of it since I don’t really seek out or read metas, but it helped in this case. They helped me understand Bonnie’s side of things so I understand it a bit better than I did. Again, thank you for that suggestion.
Alright so I’ve been thinking about it a lot and just... I don’t understand the Bonnie/Kai ship appeal? Like sure, Kai may have feelings and be attracted to Bonnie, but she’s made it obvious that she hates him?? Like I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just don’t understand.
{( The fact that my anti list for Percabeth now has 62 notes astounds me because it always feel like a larger amount of people are on that that ship. And surprisingly I haven’t gotten hate yet! Nice! )}
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
titsay
gummygunk
