Learning to kiss the waves -Anger
It’s something I’ve experienced at different times of my life, mostly anger at my parents on occasion, anger towards people who’ve hurt me, and even other drivers… Which is generally when I get most angry. (lol)
As humans with a sin nature, our anger is, 99.9999% of the time, unrighteous. Even God deals with His own anger. The difference is that His anger is righteous because He is Holy. His anger is directed at the disobedience and sin of mankind. His anger is directed at what really causes all the pain in this world.
God discusses anger all throughout the Scripture. Just search “Anger” in a Bible application and you’ll see a hefty list. Many verses are talking about God’s anger and many discuss human anger.
Some that stick out to me are the following:
James 1:20
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
Ephesians 4:27
For anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Ecclesiastes 7:9
Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool.
Obviously, anger isn’t so good coming from us. Most likely because in our finite minds, we see only a limited picture of life and others. We don’t see what God sees, so our anger comes from our flesh, not the Holy Spirit within us. There is righteous anger, when we are angry for the right reasons, but God warns us: “In your anger, do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26)
Yes, I have sinned many times in my anger. But in all my days, I had never, ever been angry at God…until recently.
The two days preceding my second miscarriage, I knew what was happening, but I tried my very best to remain optimistic and have faith that it would be OK. But that day, after I had gone through the most excruciating pain I had ever been in, in my entire life, I just laid on the bed motionless. I had cried so much already that morning, it’s like my body couldn’t produce anymore. I so desperately wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I just felt completely empty.
As I laid there, my mind began to go through all the dreams I had for my baby… All the things I wanted to do, how we would announce it, all the fun things to come in the future. Now, instead of being happy thoughts, they were all burning and painful. After our first appointment had gone so well, I had finally allowed myself to hope, to dream, and get excited. Now, all of those hopes were shattered. Gone. Just like that. It had all happened so fast.
When we went through the first miscarriage I was able to keep the faith through it and keep my hopes alive. After all, the vast majority of women have at least one miscarriage. It’s a common occurrence and no reason to cause great alarm, right? At least that’s what I thought. But when I lost our second baby, it hit me that something might be wrong with me. Suddenly, doubt filled my mind and I began to wonder if my body would ever be able to support a child. I had done everything right, everything the doctor told me to do and I failed. I felt like a failure as a female. My body had failed me. The one thing that is unique to females of all species on earth, I’m incapable of doing.
I was so hurt and so angry. And I let Him know it. I let Him know how disappointed I was. I trusted Him and He let me down. He ripped my heart right out of my chest. I felt as though I couldn’t trust Him anymore.
The following week was the longest, most difficult week. It was the week of thanksgiving. Usually my favorite holiday, but not this year. I really didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t want to give thanks. I felt as though I had nothing to give thanks for. I even thought, why give thanks? God doesn’t care anyway.
Tuesday, my doctor's office finally worked me in after I had to explain to them several times, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to the Emergency Room as they were instructing me to do. As if I hadn't been through enough already, fighting with them was not exactly making me feel better and that just angered me more. I just needed an ultrasound to confirm what happened. I thought I was more prepared than I was.
Seeing the empty image on the screen was the last straw for my trying-to-hold-it-together heart. I'm haunted by that picture in my mind. The picture that our sweet little bit was there such a short time ago, and now he/she is gone.
By the time my mom dropped me off back at work where my truck was, I was fuming. I was so angry at God. When I climbed in the driver's seat and shut the door I saw my Bible sitting on the passenger's seat. My beloved Bible that I always keep with me, study, and treasure. I picked it up and threw it against the back door. I didn't care if it ripped to shreds. I didn't want anything to do with it. I didn't want to talk to God, I didn't want to read any Bible verses. I was so angry and so torn I literally doubted everything I ever believed in. What good would praying do anyway? I prayed more in the past two weeks than I ever had and look where that got me.
I fell apart when I walked in the door at home. I just fell on my knees and wailed and screamed and cried. I remember thinking I had never heard such sounds come out of me before, but those sounds were the sounds my heart was making. I wasn’t even trying to wail, they were just pouring out of me. At some point, I woke up on the floor inside the door. I was stiff and cold and my hair and eyes were caked with dirt and dry tears. It was dark when I awoke, so I have no clue how long I had been laying there, but I was able to get up and make it to the bed where I curled up and cried some more. My mom came to check on me and she was able to get me up and help me wash myself off and then she helped me get to their house so she could feed me dinner.
I just wanted to lay on their couch, go to sleep, and never wake up. And I was determined to do so. I didn’t want to have to get up again and face what was in front of me. I just wanted to sleep and stay that way. I didn’t even want to watch the much anticipated finale of Dancing with the Stars that night. I can’t remember who won because I didn’t wake up to see it.
I didn’t even enjoy my most favorite holiday later that week. I didn’t want to. I was so angry and so bitter. But when we went to church that Sunday, I finally let God begin to heal my heart.
The only reason I took my Bible in was because I am socially awkward and didn’t want to have empty hands. I didn’t sing any of the songs, and when the pastor was preaching, I handed my Bible to Joseph so he could look up the verses if he wanted to. I didn’t even want to open the book.
But God caught me. He trapped me and demanded my attention.
That morning they happened to be observing the Lord’s Supper. As a born-again, Baptist-raised church girl, I know how serious it is to partake in that when your heart is not right with God. One part of me figured I’d just pass when it came to me, but every song and every verse drew me in. My pride and my anger were telling me to just forget about it, but God is stronger than my pride and anger and He was drawing me back to Himself. I repented of the angry, bitter, resentful response I had to the cup He had given me. And when I finally let go of all that had been dragging me down and farther away from Him, I left that place with a peace I can’t even explain. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I decided to go to church that day.
When I look back on that week of my life, and the anger that held me captive - yes, I allowed it to hold me captive - I have an entirely new perspective on God’s grace. Anger caused me even more grief than I was already experiencing, it made me doubt everything I believe in, it made me curse God, it made me question that He’s real, it even made me consider running my truck into a tree and hope to die. But let me tell you this: Each and every time I was yelling at God, or doubting Him, or thinking life wasn’t worth living, I distinctly heard His voice whisper to my soul, “I love you, Becky. I love you.”
That entire time that I was so angry at Him, and I was sure He would condemn me for my lack of faith, He was never angry with me. He never condemned me. He just gently reminded me of just how much He loves me. That is something I will never EVER forget as long as I live.
That brings a few verses to mind:
Hebrews 13:5b
For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Acts 20:24
But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.
Romans 5:20
God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.
Romans 6:14
Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.
I really can’t speak enough about His grace. It’s His grace that has allowed me to get myself back up and move forward. It’s His grace that enables to me get out of bed each day. It’s His grace that helps me smile and laugh. It’s His grace that allows me to rejoice with my friends when they receive the blessing of a child; the gift that’s been taken from me. It’s because of His grace that I live, move and breathe.
It’s because of His grace that I have hope for each new day. It’s because of His grace that I don’t have to live with regret for what I’ve done. It’s because of His grace that He freed me from the chains of anger that I had allowed myself to be trapped in. He forgave me when He bore my sin on the cross. He gave me a new start.
One thing that this experience taught me about the character of God, is that He DOES care when His children hurt. I imagine Him hurting right along with us when we are in pain, wishing it didn’t have to be this way. He doesn’t allow bad things to happen to us because He doesn’t care or because He wants to see us hurt, or punish us for our sin. Instead, when bad things inevitably happen to us, He comes close to us, to hold us, and to catch us and to get us through it. Although I was running from Him and His truth while I was angry at Him, He never left or let me go. I have never felt Him closer to me than in those moments. When we accept Him as our Savior and let Him change us from the inside out, He never ever leaves us, no matter what we are faced with.
I struggled with the question: “WHY GOD? If You’re so sovereign and all-knowing and all-powerful, You could have fixed this. But you didn’t.”
I believe it’s a question that may never be answered, and I’m OK with that. I also believe that He IS sovereign and He IS all-knowing and all-powerful and He knows what’s best. It’s not my job to understand, it’s just my job to have faith and trust His plan. At that point, there’s no reason in the world to be angry, only to be thankful that He IS in control when our world seems to be spinning out of control.
I’ve come to a point where I’m truly thankful for these experiences in my life because God has taught me so much through the storm. Now, I’m at a point where I want to share what I’ve learned with others. I hope in some way, I can encourage others to keep going when the going gets tough. To get up and try to kiss those waves that slam us into the Rock of Ages.
