“why would you feel like you don’t know me? i was seventeen when that happened, eleanor! i’m a different person now. you know me better than almost anyone,” they defended themself, sighing as their voice got too loud to be standing in the hallway of their apartment complex after dark. they opened their door and walked inside, letting eleanor follow them to their bedroom so that they could speak privately. they admitted their secret in private, then winced as their girlfriend started apologizing.
“don’t-” they hissed, not feeling like they deserved pity. regardless of why they had attacked their classmate, they had still almost taken a man’s life. spiritually, they knew that they had to pay the price for that. maybe losing the best person that had ever loved them was that price. “you don’t understand. it wasn’t him, eleanor. he killed her when i was eight.” she was crying and it was agonizing for atenáti to witness. when eleanor cried, it made them want to physically destroy whatever had caused those tears to begin with. but they’d been destroying themself since long before they ever met her. they didn’t know how to make her feel better. it was like a sixth sense : they knew that eleanor wanted to be held. but how could they ask her to trust her angelic woes to the very claws that had almost torn a man apart?
with a groan, náti moved to their window and put their blunt back to their lips, lighting the end and breathing in deeply as they sat down under the moon and let smoke waft from their lips onto the wind. they spoke the story like it wasn’t their own, calm and detached. “i was seventeen. there was a specific group of guys that always gave me shit. i was even more masculine when i was younger, before my body filled out and my hair grew out …” they touched the space where their hair used to be, fingertips landing on bare skin, “so guys at school fucked with me a lot, trying to make me prove if i was a girl, or a boy — one of them, witali, followed me down the hall. it was the nine year anniversary of when my mom was killed, and everyone knew it. everywhere i went i heard whispering. and he started yelling at me. i just remember feeling so … sad. and broken. and angry. like i had nothing to lose. i started yelling back, people were circling around us. he got in my face and pushed me. i was so skinny i almost fell down.”
they took a long drag again, looking down, unable to glance in their girlfriend’s direction out of fear of what they might see in her eyes. a humorless chuckle was muffled by the blunt, lips tilting up to blow out more smoke, ”but the funny thing was that i didn’t even notice the people around us. i blacked out, eventually. and when i woke up he was under me and my counselor was pulling me off of him. i didn’t know what had happened or how far it had gone, i just kept hearing him in my head, saying that i couldn’t possibly be a two-spirit … two-spirits are sacred. leaders, protectors, elders. if i couldn’t save her, how would i-” their voice broke, teeth biting down on their lip hard until they could swallow the lump in their throat. “as soon as he said her name i blacked out. i’ve never done anything like that since. i worked for his family that summer to help pay his medical bills. i fasted, i prayed, i — there’s nothing else that i can do. it happened and i can’t take it back. so, i’m sorry that i’m not who you thought i was,” they looked down, flicking ash out of the window. “you don’t have to stick around. no one would blame you, least of all me.”
she frowned in confusion - it wasn’t him ? eleanor sat on their bed, leaning against the wall as she listened to them speak. it was . . . heartbreaking. listening to them talk. she didn’t feel scared of them. in fact - she very much felt the opposite once she heard the explanation.
it only made her feel worse for not picking up --- damn it, why didn’t she just pick up . . . eleanor stood off the bed and walked towards atenáti. she was speechless ; she wasn’t sure what to say. it made sense, now. why they blacked out, why they attacked the guy. it was his fault for being a prick, eleanor thought. he was heartless for even bringing their mother up.
eleanor stood beside atenáti. she placed her hand on their cheek and turned their face towards hers. “ i love you, atenáti. ” the girl whispered. elle looked them in the eye, her face only inches away from her partner’s. “ forgive yourself, náti. it wasn’t your fault. ” her voice was gentle. there was no point in using a harsh tone. her heart had finally slowed down.
“ don’t be so hard on yourself for what happened. ”
