Toothpaste isn’t breakfast.
Coffee isn’t lunch.
Ice isn’t dinner.
I found myself today staring at a scale that proved that I have done everything to fight this nasty disorder.
It proved that there has been weight gained.
It proved that all the days of toothpaste, coffee and ice are long gone.
However, something happened when I had to look down and confirm that the number looking back as me was in fact accurate. It all came flooding back.
I still crave that hunger pain. It’s in that hunger pain I feel beautiful.
I still crave the thrill of weaving lies together so no one will see the pain.
I still crave the excitement that comes from counting, calculating and rationing that weeks calories.
I keep going because in the times I need it the most, people join me in the fight and pray for my spirit to be calmed and my leaning on Christ to increase.
I keep going because maybe one day there will come a time where meals aren’t an issue, leg shaving isn’t a fight and being honest won’t come with a deep rooted fear that people will manipulate and leave.
I keep going because there will come a time where scars and scales will no longer be how I gage pain and worth.
I keep going because maybe the words, “you are worthy love and life” will resound in my heart as truths.
I keep going because it’s important and I matter.
The fight isn’t over, but at least now I know I’m stronger than I thought and the burden is lighter when you let people love you hard.