It’s already 7k... some of the sections are summaries. I feel like it could potentially get longer. I probably will use page breaks between resets or maybe just a separate chapter? I think I will ask for people’s input since this is hard to figure out.
I want to describe a battle but also let people have agency over what they imagine without me getting too in the nitty gritty details.
Aside from that, things are going well. I keep on rewriting huge swaths of the chapter as I figure out how the plot progresses bit by bit. I am entertaining the idea of not posting any of it until I have the trio of chapters finished. That way I don’t feel restricted by... you know, continuing to copy paste or just obsessing about what others think.
I feel that it’s gonna be a side project for awhile. I’ll keep on posting and fucking around with smaller ideas that are more bite size. I am increasingly finding that I hate the act of posting. It gives me anxiety. Why purposely try to get people’s attention if I don’t want it anyway?
New plan: do whatever the fuck I want like a toddler in a sand box.
Eat sand, if I must.
The further I let my impulse to hide mask my impulse to do dumb shit, the harder it will be to be creative. I’ve got tons of weird ass ideas that will never see the light of day if I keep shoving sticks up my ass and getting writer’s constipation.
*sigh*
If I’m going to take my zero-pay career of being a UT fanfic writer seriously, then I need to experiment a crap ton.
I love to write like a million short notes plus several versions of a chapter. At any given time, a massive change to the dynamic can be made like the nature of the resets: can Frisk control them? I basically decided that they can’t when it comes to dying. They will reset regardless within an encounter. This basically made me get rid of a ton of drafts that involved Papyrus trying to get information out of Frisk. If Papyrus has fought a ton of Red mages and he knows that once he crushes their determination, then he will be able to capture them without having to worry about another encounter with resets... he may just have learned to beat the determination out of people. Red mages aren’t the sort to easily give up.
It got me thinking of what I wanted the other rounds to look like.
Round 1: Primarily a fight between Papyrus and Frisk.
Sans does interfere when Frisk gets close but otherwise keeps his distance from Frisk. At the end, Frisk manages to dust Papyrus via a quick of slice to the ankles. They blow alot of determination on that..
Round 2: Sans takes point.
He’s recalled enough of the resets. Frisk also decides that Sans needs to go first to take out Papyrus. Thing is that Sans is keeping up. His endurance isn’t great but Frisk’s is even worse due to starting with crappy stats before the battle began. They do keep up long enough to nearly dust Sans only for Papyrus to take the hit.
Round 3+???
I have a few rough ideas of things I want to do. I’m not confident what the other rounds will look like. I want them each to have their unique feel. I want the plot to feel like it is progressing even if we are replaying the same scenario over and over again. It involves ALOT of trial and error. I’m not used to rewriting such massive parts. It helps that I dividing the chapter in roughly 7 parts. The first two called “setting” and “sans noticed” are already done for the most part.
I went through the entries that I plan to incorporate into the text. I found out really quickly that “oh look! They all involve sans. This seems like a good way to center around round 2.” I have a feeling that each of the future rounds will change massively each time I progress. Round 2 certainly had a full reworking. It makes me not so concerned how I didn’t spend quite as long as I wanted on the bullet point stage. Plans just really don’t last long once they hit the draft stage from bullet.
I’m really excited for whichever round the dysphoria hits with darling. GOSH DANG! I love my version of Frisk soooooo much. It’s going to be so much fun seeing how their buttons get pushed. I still feel like emotionally I don’t quite get them???? It’s really hard to see what an overreaction for them character-wise. Sure, they may go on a murder spree if x happens but what if something like misgendering happens while they are already exhausted and want a reason to let lose without reason? What mentality should be present? How would they devolve? Would it be like an evil villainy or would it flip on a switch since they’re so strung out?
My heart tells me that my questions will be answered by instincts/gut/whatever. Lots of trial and error. We’ll see what sticks and what doesn’t....
Damn, I really want to talk to other fanfic writers like... do you fellas rewrite a ton out of some projects while others keep the general structure of the original draft, only adding in complexity? TASAI is having this thing where it feels like I’m writing an entirely new story every time I edit it. Sure, it is getting closer to the feel I am going for. I don’t regret it per say. I may be more so jealous of other writers who can pump out a ton of chapters.
I just can’t stand a story not emotionally resonating. It’s only thing to bite off more than you can chew but to write a character who emotionally jumps between extremes in irrational and rushed ways gets under my skin to no end. Someone else’s writing? I probably wouldn’t notice. But let me tell you, if you’ve been editing and rethinking and just pondering existence of a story for probably a 50hrs+ you get a feeling for what’s the right drama and what is too hammy even for this soap opera.
Either way, the getting is good. Excited for some pad thai tomorrow. Typing up AU Exploration Team hopefully. general chill day.
I don’t know what got me so into this bitty fic again but I’m all over it like jam.
I literally wrote on six + pages of lined paper for nearly 50 minutes based on the idea “Can I... ask you something?” Some kinda whispered thing in my head. It took me a good minute of staring into space to figure out which fic I wanted to write it in. Ends up Eon_Krait was the place. It’s so raw and genuine. Like... I just want their character to exist in this plane of existence where things are really fucked. Nobody is getting what they want. There’s all these things out of their control. Capitalism is still a thing even if Eon doesn’t want to do it. Just... like fuck.
I also like how they do some amount of cuddling but its like the bromance style of side hug with occasional cuddle. It isn’t like the Cuddle Naga LupineXRompa level. It’s more chill.
I wanted to make the fight very flashy and over the top with a ton of flips. Ends up that bullet points and the sheer mass of stuff they could be doing is fun and all but going to actually write it... I got bored really quickly. So I picked my favorite parts then dumped the rest. My favorite’s being jumping flipping off of a wall to back stab Papyrus and the other one being testing the right boundary and finding the kid as well as having a silent stand off. Sort of wild west style thing where people are firing projectile but nobody is quite sure where anyone is. Frisk isn’t in a position to fire back. They need to catch their breath and are just hoping that Papyrus and Sans don’t follow them into the building. Ends up, they don’t have to.
It’s a really awesome scene. I’m also really excited since like... Frisk gets killed at some point so to necessitate a reset. So Frisk can make decisions that dig them into a whole that they won’t do again. Or be short sighted. Each reset brings a new challenge as Sans learns what Frisk is planning while Frisk’s odds of survival continue to dwindle.
It’s just... the tension and push and pull and just GAAAAHHH!!! All the variables get my blood pumping, I’m so excited!
A little part of me whispers, “this is awfully complicated. You could fuck this up. Then it’ll be an even grosser thick mess than if you tried something simple.”
Honestly, inner self-doubt voices need to take a hike. I’m awesome. I can handle some complications.
Rough day. Again. 2 days in a row. 1st a set of false alarms. 2nd social anxiety. 10 min of editing done. Good start.
I hit a rough patch. As you know, it’s mostly bullet pointed. It’s like I got all the tools I need to tend my garden plot but no clue how to start. There’s blackberries everywhere. A fallen branch makes transversing it a chore. There’s more morning glory than there is dirt with a ton of bolders in the way. And DON’T get me started on the fucking buttercup.
I know I’ll get through it. I’m trying not to think of the trigger warnings I’ll need to put on this. My anxiety is flaring and telling me anything I write with this story is sinful or evil while simultaneously knowing that the people I look up to would tell me to “Just Do It” Shia Lebuff style cuz live your life. My concern isn’t hurting people’s feelings per say, more of how people react when their feelings are hurt.
I’ve been an asshole to writers in the past who triggered me without giving me a heads up. It took awhile but... I eventually caught myself. Smelled the roses. Nobody’s perfect, even if they include no trigger warnings, its not their responsibility to label everything. Some people want to express themselves. That means I may disagree ideologically too sometimes. Also, anxiety literally makes it impossible for me to tell between teasing and abuse so... I may also be giving myself some slack.
It’s just... last time I got a hate comment on a bittybones story I was out of comissiom for six hours, then fucked up for another few days and it took a long time before the memory faded into a dull ache. I don’t want to go through that again but at the same time I’m really passionate about this story. I feel if I give up on it, then I’m giving up on a part of myself.
I’ve always been obsessed with conflict resolution shows from house renevation to hoarding to dog whisperer. It gives me a high. Especially if someone’s really fucked and like... I want to do the equivalent of that... there’s people who I wished could put on their adult pants but also remember the joys of childhood innocense of adult pessimism/cynocism, whatever. I like do overs. This time, I want everyone trying their best.
*glares into void*
That means you, Gaster.
*distant excuse making while pretending to not be there*
I exclusively worked in the fighting section. Basically, everything after Frisk is dragged into an encounter. It mostly consists of bullet points. Considering that I didn’t “write” in the way I traditionally like, I have a hard time feeling proud of it. Thing is that I made a TON of progress in the last 40 minutes.
First thing, if I was dividing the battle into resets. I needed to know how plot wise it progressed. I wanted each reset to have a different feel. Motivations shift. Why is Papyrus not intent on killing Frisk? He has every right to be and it isn’t like he has qualms, however, the threat of this murder inc. organization is worth the risk. Plus, losing one’s head during the resets is hardly a Papyrus thing to do.
Another thing is considering how Sans would react. How is his mental state going to degrade? How does Frisk use their power? How will Papyrus make things terribly annoying? Part of the problem with determination is that it isn’t helpful outside of a magical monster encounter. Red mages’ greatest value comes from monster battles. So if Papyrus does the unthinkable and uses a strategic retreat, then he’d be in a position to dust Frisk as soon as they exit the encounter.
Frisk is thereby forced to reset to prevent that. They need to keep all those who could kill them as soon as they leave inside the space.
I’m trying really hard to temper myself. As you well know, I love writing. I find myself falling in love with editing the more I do it. I’ve been starved of it for so long... it’s hard to get enough of on some days. This is sort of where my hiccup comes in. I really want to edit. Problems come up where I need to plan out my story more.
How do I want it to go chronologically?
Let me tell you. I’m less likely to want to edit something if I think that editing it will be a waste of my time because I plan on making big changes. I need a bit of confidence that I won’t immediately throw away that edit. Yesterday, I came up with the idea of having the downward spiral happen bit by bit through the resets instead of just in one of them or at the last one. This is a big change from what I originally had yesterday morning and more from what I originally thought five months ago (which is where most of this draft comes from).
As a result, I need to plan things out. If I don’t plan, then I don’t feel motivated editing. Thing is, planning gets really boring after awhile. I want to edit. But I need content to edit so I need to finish planning and start typing out the story so then I can edit. Thing is that typing out from bullet points mean a ROUGH DRAFT. I don’t know about you fellas but that is often the hardest part is writing a first go of it for a new section of a complex chapter like this.
Making mistakes, getting messy, etc. whatever Miss Frizzle said, let’s just say that I’m not a big fan of it. I like being perfect. So... I like to procrastinate. I’ve seen it in other stories I’ve worked on. When I get to this point, I often lose a fuck ton of steam and burn myself out by the end of it. My guess? My best strategy is finding a way to accept this feeling of dissatisfaction so that I can move on from it. Obsessing that this isn’t a particularly fun part of the process and super tedious isn’t motivating. It’s quite the opposite.
*sigh*
Hypothetically, I will share this blog more intentionally in the future.
Hypothetically, years from now, people will be interested in my thought process.
Hypothetically, someone, somewhere, may be curious how frustrating it was getting this project off the ground. Maybe TASAI blooms itself into an epic 100k story. Maybe it’s a stepping stone for other stories. I don’t know! Anything could happen!
*deeper sigh, flops on floor*
I can’t say I’m the fan of the idea of anyone hearing what I say about writing. Everything I write has a little bit of vent in it. I can’t currently distinguish an attack on my character from a critique on my writing. By having thoughts, sharing thoughts, that means that people have space to perhaps disagree with me. I don’t like the idea of disagreement. I sort of connect it directly to getting attacked. Let’s just say... disagreement=attack was a common trope from where I was raised. I lived in an insane household as a child up until I was 21.
*rolling on the ground sighing*
Which makes the prospect of sharing feel like open heart surgery without anesthetic. Part of why I like sharing to the “void.” The Void is whatever I make it out to be. If I hate myself, the void is evil. If I find it in myself to love me, then the void is a cushy cozy place of positivity on good days. I still have bad days... but those are becoming... less bad.
It makes me wonder what someone stumbling across this entry may think. Like... let’s say TASAI gains a.. let’s be generous and say a hundred kudos and 10 loyal readers. That would be pretty cool. Let’s say one of those readers looks back. Curious as to how the thought process of it being made. Well... It was messy as hell. I hope that’s clear. Nearly a year of messy as fuck development before I even can remotely think of publishing it.
*rubs face tired, yet content*
I really hope people like this. I don’t expect to get much attention. There’s no romance between Sans x Frisk or Papyrus x Frisk. In fact, Frisk considers themself far more mature than the two and would consider it like dating children. It’s going to have kink elements. Well.. the internet is the internet, I guess there’s plenty of kinky people out there but... I’m just sort of nervous, you know? Part of the reason why I got overwhelmed and stopped working on it because I was worried about the reception it would get. I want there to be a part where Frisk’s dysphoria lashes out. I want a scenario where it isn’t like one of them is wrong for killing the other considering the circumstances. I want a ton of gray area. I want to delve into what I feel is possible to redeem separated from that which has gone too far down a path that, at the moment, you can’t follow.
I’m mostly talking about how Sans isn’t willing to give Gaster a second chance meanwhile Papyrus is.
Wow. That’s alot of thoughts.
*awkwardly laughs*
I’ll let you in on a little secret, most of the time when I talk about my writing, even to the void, I assume that most of it is incomprehensible. I generally consider anything that includes my feelings in them incomprehensible to other people. I know that it’s my warped perception but I really hope a grain of what I intended got through. This story means alot to me. I started it when I literally couldn’t get my ass out of bed on some days. It’s odd to think that it hasn’t lost its emotional relevance even now.
Here’s the deal. Since I decided that I wouldn’t discriminate in what ideas I would write down, it means... well.. see for yourself.
It may not look like much but that’s a 3” binder. Each packet is 20 pages, give or take. I’ve got ~200 lined pages. Granted, it’s not like 250 word per page but it’s intimidating to say the least since I can’t go through in chronological order. Last twenty times I did that, I lost motivation.
I just went through and typed up all the Black_Mutt entries. I thought I had more. Guess the majority of them were early on when I was still using notebooks and recently. With a bit of emotional resilience, I managed to finish typing most of it. Just have this final chapter.
I’m thinking of typing up AU Exploration team next since it is a major player as well as LTLR, MF, Peri/OP/Marigold/when I decide on a concrete name for this character, and Uni. The rest is all over the place. I got a decent number of one shot ideas that really didn’t take off with my curiosity, for the moment, at least. It’s amusing how much stuff I get really obsessed with versus things that at the time I thought was the shit but two weeks later I’m like... “nah, that ain’t my bag.”
Fun Fact! Any time I want to type up one story, the entries are spread out throughout that entire stack.
Sometimes, a stack that can span two weeks to 3 days of work has no entries for that particular story. So this isn’t like all my stories organized in the slightest. I staple 20 pages of lined paper then add to it as inspiration hits me or I need to vent, which is ALOT, mostly the latter.
Okay, okay, it’s the moment I’ve been waiting for months! I managed to edit before 6pm!
🎉🎉🎉
Yay me! It was a long time coming but I did it. I am so awesome!
Fuck yeah! I’m awesome. Praise my awesomeness! I’m gonna totally brag about this at work. Also, I did 2 sessions aka 20 minutes. For a first try, it was VERY impressive. I didn’t even break down crying.
I owe my success to my new breathing technique. While meditating, I easily get distracted. It makes it hard to concentrate on how awesome and amazing breathing is. But... I did a little experiment yesterday. Instead of breathing in and out as long as I can, I breathed in quickly (relatively) and out slowly. I kept tension in my diaphram like I do for singing the whole while. What do ya know?
IT WORKED!!
I did a mini couch meditation before starting work. I didn’t look at any clocks. I even covered up my laptop clock. Idk what it is about time but it stresses me THE FUCK OUT. It’s why I banned myself from watches.
It’s for the best for everyone honestly.
[distant laughter as I joke about how my cryptonite is watches, clocks and perhaps time itself when observed🤣]
_sent to void_
*later in evening*
_retrieved from void_
Fuck muffins, like, fellas, you’ve gotta see this shit to believe it.
*huge as insane*
I’m a mother fuckin’ genius and even I don’t believe it! I had a scrap of a good idea for how Sans takes notice of Frisk’s spying but I didn’t think... *stray tear falls* I didn’t think it would turn out so damn good. The terror.. the like.. sheer terror of what is to come. Frisk doesn’t even know what could happen but their body is already reacting.
It’s so damn satisfying to get a good idea like this off the ground.
Part of me is worried how I’ll continue writing the story though, specifically after the first three chapters. I have a vague idea of where I want it to go but nothing specific. I think it’s going to be hard to rival these first few chapters.... I don’t think I need to beat them. I want to explore different things in later chapters. Honestly.. these? it’s like a different genre. heheh. I find it amusing audience wise. If people are interested in the first few chapters, they may be in a shock for how things chance in the later ones.
It’s similar to Less Than Lonely Road in that way. I have a big flashy few chapters. Then things are like hella chill and mostly drama oriented. The difference for this being that it is more likely to have a couple of fights and tense moments. I have have no bloody clue... how things will work. erm... yeah.
I have chapters. I have a general idea but the writing doesn’t feel like tight.. I’m being hard on myself. *pinches nose* I’m getting obsessed in the details of things that have yet to come that don’t matter. I care about working on what’s currently in front of me. Whatever happens after? That’s future Bliss’s problems.
Also, I want to write a HELLA tight story. As much as I love nilchance’s ain’t this the life and keelywolfe’s by any other name, they meander alot. Meandering isn’t bad. Though, I will make the generalization that I feel it takes a different level of time to finish. The meander may take the same amount of time to get to the plot beats but with more words. A tighter story doesn’t correlate with as much productivity.
Basically, TASAI has alot of narrative uncertainty in its future. I don’t know how long it’ll last after the trilogy of chapters. It may be my big story that I invest my life in like I did with my superhero psuedo maritan manhunter one I wrote as a kid and spent THREE years on. Or... the story I will obsess with to the same degree may be another one. It’s hard to tell.
Not much to say. I edited for nearly the whole hour. Yay me!
Also, I looked at my first draft and *whistles* it’s come along way and I thought the April draft was rough. Woowee! Let me tell you, inspiration can only go so far.
I’m feeling like I’m getting the hang of editing again. The hardest part for me is picking priorities. After I divide the chapter into parts.. what entry will I fold into the text? Should I go over the rougher parts or the cleaner parts to see where I’m at? I’m taking my time over the introduction and when Sans’s takes notice of Frisk’s watchful eye.
That’s about it. Cute guy at work was cute. I got plenty of energy to keep editing this shindig. I also am working on typing up Sans x Vinny stories. They are so adorable. I just want to E A T T H E M up.
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