The Darkest of Urges

Ada | 26 | they/she | minors do not interact

[bhaalsbabe]

Navigation

Introduction

DNI & BYF - BE 18+ TO FOLLOW AND INTERACT

Masterlist

Tags

KO-FI

Mutuals

My RP blog (if you want to say hi to the OG dragonborn Durge)

Ongoing event: none

NOT SPOILER-FREE (includes BG 1, 2, & 3)

Last updated: 28. 10. 2023

[bhaalsbabe]

Crazy thing that my character ended up being the last one alive in the one shot we played for 15 hours. It's even crazier that this is the second time a one shot ended up this way for me.

[bhaalsbabe]

I really want to donate blood since I'm O-neg but my meds prevent me from doing so and that makes me sad :(

[bhaalsbabe]

I have advanced OA in my tmj among other places and in December 2025 I had a surgery to fix it at least a little bit, right, which was quite successful, restoring my mouth-opening range by ~75% but since that I've been really mindful of how much I clench my jaw throughout the day and night (the answer is A LOT) so I've decided to get botox applied to the muscles there to prevent it from worsening the joints' condition too much and IT ACTUALLY WORKS, like I still clench it a little bit but the difference is day and night and I can't describe how nice it feels. It's such a relief to have one less health issue to worry about (for the next 3-6 months).

The only downside is that it's pretty expensive and health insurance doesn't cover the cost at all (I wish they'd take tmj disorders more seriously like trust me, I'd prefer not to inject toxins into my face but since there's literally no other solution to this, what else would they have me do?).

[bhaalsbabe]

I've been (mostly) staying off the social media for a few years now and if there's anything I miss, it's the sense of community when I found a place in my currently favourite fandom. And while I've had so many breakdowns because of it too (thanks, bpd, wish you'd just magically go away), I'm so much more lonely nowadays. I have only a few friends and I'm not even their second (or third) pick when it comes down to it. So now I'm just reminiscing of the times where I *existed* (even if I often felt like I didn't - it cannot compare to what I'm experiencing now). The fact that I was less lonely even as a teen existing in the small pool of ana/mia blogs in my country at the time, it's just sad really.

I'm probably more stable than ever (since I'm not around people lol), but the dark side is that I'm simply better at ignoring my struggles, and I don't jump to my self-destructive tendencies at the first opportunity I get.

I'm not passionate about anything right now though. I'm heading nowhere, don't have any significant hobbies and talents, I could go on with the self-pity lol (can that count as a talent?). What I'm trying to say is I have nowhere to go (in the sense of finding a new community).

I lowkey want to return to being online and not just because of the loneliness, but because I need to put myself in more social situations to better control my bpd since I function okay (kinda) on the professional and familial level but friends and acquaintances? Oh boy.

Rant over, just needed to write this down even if it won't be seen (probably a good thing). At least I won't forget to talk about this on the next therapy session.

[bhaalsbabe]

Just remembered how Jergal mocked the Dead Three by saying how the souls of the mindflayers wouldn't become theirs. But it's not like the entire world would turn into mindflayers, it was just about building a powerful, easily controlled, large enough army that would kill everyone (at least on Durge's/Bhaal's part) - and the souls of those people would come to Bhaal, and he would achieve the goal of absolute (haha get it) slaughter.

[bhaalsbabe]

Actual 50:50

[bhaalsbabe]

Met an amazing lady while staying in the hospital before and after my surgery. I hope her own surgery goes well today and that she'll kick cancer's ass. Please. Manifesting it in the universe.

[bhaalsbabe]

If I had a cent for every time I worked with dead creatures at my job, I'd have two cents. Which isn't a lot but it's weird it happened twice.

(I studied information services in high school and only had 1 year of biology. This wasn't the field I expected myself to be working at.)

((I currently do beetle taxidermy.))

[bhaalsbabe]

Me in the last therapy session: I no longer feel the need to be violent.

Fellow patient: I saw your screenshots from BG3 on Steam, all the hundreds of bodies-

Me: ...Right. I vent it safely in the games so I'm "normal" irl. And BG3 is a special case, I just really clicked and related with Durge. 👉👈

[bhaalsbabe]

We started playing a new d&d campaign yesterday and on session 0 we already almost had a player die (the enemy could basically one shot you unless you could get greater restoration/heal), and if the same player didn't remember at the last second that the enemy gets 2 more dmg from attacking him (which just happened to be the last of the enemy's HP), a second player would also probably die, especially since there was only one scroll of restoration so I'D HAVE TO CHOOSE WHO TO SAVE. But it was really fun, unfortunately I got sick the next day so we couldn't play again :(

Oh and made my new character to be related to my beloved Xari (although they never met). They're difference is that Eris is unapologetically very evil and trying to destroy the universe xD

[bhaalsbabe]

My d&d character got really beat up today and everything was great until he started losing control over his left hand. I completely forgot that he was literally sharing a body with a "dead" deity and that he can get temporarily possessed whenever he gets near death or lose consciousness through different means (like spells) so when it started happening, I was like *panic* and the character was also panicking (he never consciously experienced it) but fortunately one of our paladins casted protection from evil on him which saved the day.

Later I gave my dm props that he really caught me off-guard with it and he was like "At 8HP left, that was just a glimpse~" 💚 Can't wait to see when it actually happens, is he gonna attack the party with my character, talk with them, or something else?? Hehe fun

[bhaalsbabe]

We haven't played d&d in a month so we kinda forgot about our quest. We just knew from my notes from the latest session that we planned to return to the cultist camp at night and then kill them. So, since my character has the highest stealth, I was tasked with taking out all the sleeping guys. Easy and fun, right. And then we fought and killed the young dragon they were worshipping (pretty hard fight but worth it). Afterwards, we returned to the cultists' huts to loot them, along with whatever they had on them, and we found someone's diary. After the first two sentences, I had a realisation. I suddenly remembered why we were in the cultist camp in the first place - to find and bring back a brother of a wealthy npc that recruited us for our very first quest earlier. And this guy I killed as the first one of all the cultists? He was that brother 😂 So now we had to return back to the city with this dead idiot and waste 1000 gold to resurrect him 💀

I'd be mad if it wasn't so funny (+we ruined our dm's entire 3 hours of preparation for the session with how we approached this quest (kill first, ask questions later)) xD

(oh and my totally not fucked up monk now has tiefling fingers and horns in his collection, big W)

[bhaalsbabe]

Somehow, my true neutral d&d character has already turned into the most psychopathic character on the table (to the point of horrifying even the DM) after like 2-3 sessions.

To be fair, the "true neutral" meant more like a "blank slate", to be shaped by the company around him... But unfortunately, that company consisted of a lawful good paladin and chaotic evil paladin. So my character just focused on what he did well (being a deadly monk), which turned him into a twisted human... Might be also because he could be influenced by the demigod necromancer who planned to use him as his new vessel.

He also happens to be the smartest one in the party, so sometimes you get legit good plans, other times he cuts off his dead enemies' fingers to have as keepsakes (which actually aided us to convince someone to trust us with eradicating some orcs?? I was surprised too lol)

[bhaalsbabe]

You know how I made that Gojo wannabe dnd character... Well since he's human, I wanted an item that gives you darkvision. And well... There are Goggles of Night. Literally described as dark lenses. It really is Gojo just possessed by an evil demigod 😂

[bhaalsbabe]

16 hours before we start playing and now I also realised it's very much just Durge (completely by accident I swear)+Gojo. I'm quickly trying to come up with a few changes just to be more original but ughhhh.

When I was adding the 'Durge' backstory, I was even like "Haha, I'm so creative, now it's no longer just Gojo" 😭

This is the second time I accidentally created my favourite character in d&d (first was Xari, who is very much Daenerys-coded) 💀

[bhaalsbabe]

You know how I made that Gojo wannabe dnd character... Well since he's human, I wanted an item that gives you darkvision. And well... There are Goggles of Night. Literally described as dark lenses. It really is Gojo just possessed by an evil demigod 😂

[bhaalsbabe]

Got an allergic reaction to iodine-based contrast substance they gave me for my CT today. I returned home and went to sleep, and when I woke up a few hours later, my skin was itching so badly, but I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Well 16 hours later and it's still itching to the point of me not being able to sleep. And the antihistamines I found at our house are both expired, one for 6 years, the other for 3 years 😭 I took the 3 years expired because the itchy skin is driving me insane