Mindless Dreaming

Bianca, 19. I've too much love for written works of art and films, but I don't have the ability to create them myself. That's fine though, I'll leave that job to the writing and film gods. Okay, I'm blabbing now. Stop.

[bianca-reyes]

/sab•lay/

A noun, one that means two things to the UP student, on the opposite sides of the spectrum : a bad decision not necessarily done on a Wednesday night, and/or the hard-earned material emblem of years' worth of blood, sweat and tears.

As most of you already know, I'm not graduating this June because I dropped my thesis when I was about two chapters away from finishing it. I know I can write something better than what I've already submitted. I don't regret my decision though I do regret disappointing my parents. Does that make any sense? Haha

I'm still truly sorry, mom and dad. I know you're trying hard to hide the fact that you're disappointed in me for not finishing my degree on time. I just wanna let you know that I understand your harboring ill feelings towards me. You've continued to shower me with the best you can provide and this is how I repay your efforts. (SHOUTOUT TO THE BEST PARENTS- AND FAMILY- ON EARTH, BY THE WAY. Despite your disappointment and possible anger, you've only ever given me your utmost understanding these past few weeks. Everyday I thank the Man above for you.)

Anyway...

I received an overwhelming rush of emotions this afternoon as today marks the very last day that I'll be taking a French class in the university. It was truly a bittersweet feeling, knowing that I could've already finished my degree this week, instead, I've put it off for another year.

I've always seen myself as somebody who possesses quite an annoyingly insane case of ningas-kugon and it has proven itself true this year as shown by the life-changing sablay I made last month.

It's a real sad story, to be frank. My entire life I've had everything handed to me on a silver platter, a privilege which up until recently, I've nonchalantly used and abused, a privilege which probably caused me to let one problem hinder me from attaining the goal I've long held since I entered UP (i.e. graduating on time).

Not everything has to have a reason for being, but good or bad - il faut vivre malgré tout. We accept, we move on and we work. As for my case, I shall work on getting that other sablay. 😉

Félicitations à tout ce qui va finir leurs études cette année, particulièrement à mes chers amis ! Je suis très fière de vous tous ! 🌻

[inkskinned]

i think “i wish platonic dates with friends were a thing” is another way of saying “i want a deep emotional intimacy.” it’s a new age. shallow friends are easy to find and hard to let go. the two of you can sit for coffee, talking about nothing, secretly texting under the table that you want to leave. she begs you to come to the party but abandons you once you’re through the door. he won’t talk to you outside of class, won’t even look at you even though two weeks ago you kissed. 

it’s the age of the internet and our empathy is evolving. yes, isn’t long-distance now so easy. there’s a lot we have to be thankful for.

but there’s a lot that’s changing. there’s no words for the emotion you feel when someone is taking a picture with you that you know is only happening because they want to look fun and popular and you’re a prop; there’s no word for when you know it’s because you’re uglier than them and it makes them look good - there’s no word for watching people socialize for social media credit. we know it happens. not just “hang on let me take a picture of my food.” not just “i’ve got to text my mom back, one sec.” i mean that strange distance between two people who comment on each other’s posts but cannot connect in person. i mean you pour out your soul on twitter but then clam up in person. i mean internet loneliness; the sensation of 212 thousand followers and still so empty, knowing if the plane goes down, the ocean of the internet will wash out your memory. 

“i want a friend date,” she says, and he snorts - you mean friends?

it’s hard, sometimes. finding a best friend. when i was little i had an assignment about it. i remember crying in the hallway because i didn’t have one. everyone else in class did. i wrote about my shadow. i didn’t fit in. over the years i’ve had a couple. one turned out pure evil. a few were my best friend but i wasn’t theirs, in the end. a lot just drifted from me until we were only friends by nostalgia, not connection. but i ached for the feeling of a best friend the whole time: the person you can be silent with, the person you can be wild with, the person you can be 100% yourself with.

we live in a society where romance is said to be the only space you’re allowed to really be close with someone. how many of us have said to make sure you marry your best friend. we know from dating that there exists a kind of connection we don’t always get in our friends - even a platonic one, a connection of spirit, a freedom of behavior. 

i get it. a platonic date sounds wonderful. it’s not hurting anybody. let’s both have three seconds where we’re honest with each other in a raw kind of way. it’s terrifying. or we could just talk about what’s bothering you. i’m also still fucked up about the avatar: the last airbender ending; i also don’t get katara and aang. 

it’s about trust. about vulnerability. so yeah. maybe i’ve done all kinds of platonic-date things. but i’ve also had the opposite happen: the non-friend. someone you don’t want to cut out, not necessarily - but not someone you can tell your secrets to in the end. i think what we’re all asking for is to be less lonely. we want to get close to people, but we don’t want to seem like we’re hitting on somebody. 

come on out with me. we’ll both dress up and drink wine and split the bill and talk about deep things. be best friends for a moment. lord knows i need one. what i’m asking is for a quick moment of emotional intimacy. of reality. of not-just-here-for-the-party. i think a date sounds lovely.

[bianca-reyes]

Day n/365: On Privilege and Pressing Matters

le 01 septembre 2017

‪It’s been two hours. And the mere thought of what I saw still brings me to tears.

Small favor?‬ From an old friend.

‪Before you roll your eyes at those rallyists that cause you a greater amount of traffic in your already stressful daily commute‬, please take a moment to ask yourselves why they need to take their fight to the streets.

We have our blogs, our twitter, instagram, and facebook accounts; our family and friends seeing and hearing our every demand, every complaint, every desire.‬ Yet our countrymen resort to marching along Mendiola, Commonwealth, EDSA in order for people like you–like us– to hear the issues they would like our government and hopefully, the entire country, to acknowledge and address.‬

Have you ever felt that voiceless? That unheard? That invalidated?

Let’s skip the build-up and head straight to the truth: no. You haven’t. I haven’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame you for being born into a well-off family, you had no choice in the matter. I know that. But this privilege you’ve acquired the moment you were brought into this world, this gave you an undeniable chance to have your voices be heard, even if it’s just by a small handful of people.

I’m angry, and you should be too. Step out of your ivory towers and even catch a glimpse of the world, this country, and the problems that plague our society.

[bianca-reyes]

Day 17/365: Some slight retail therapy

le 01 août 2017

I went to UP today for registration and this might’ve been the most peaceful and line-less enrollment I’ve ever experienced (TY grad stat lol). I aso brought my childhood best friend, Nicole, to my university and with that, comes the use of public transpo! Haha yes, I did make her ride the MRT from Ortigas to Quezon Avenue. Was quite funny how she kept covering her ears due to the noise and she even shrieked - loudly, might I add - when a bus suddenly beeped its horn HAHAHA reminds me of my first year in uni (aka my first time commuting).

Anyway, since we didn’t take too long in UP, we went back to SM Megamall and to kill time, we went out shopping. Bought some make-up and a velvet top from Forever 21 (I was on a personal strike against fast fashion and this made me break my streak huhu), which means, I may now be broke once more. Oh well...what’s new?

[bianca-reyes]

Days 14-16/365: What’s happening now?

Another one of those days wherein literally nothing significant happens in my life. Aside from acquiring a new celebrity crush (aka KJ Apa) because I started (and finished) watching the first season of Riverdale. Lol

[bianca-reyes]

Day 13/365: Old Friends

le 28 juillet 2017

Spontaneous trips really do have higher chances of happening rather than planned excursions, haha.

Two of my closest friends from high school, Marius and Carl, invited me to watch a movie with them and of course, I had to agree. I haven't seen them in a while, especially Carl, who went MIA on us for TWO years (still holding this against you!), so I guess you could say I was looking forward to our meeting. We had lunch and watched Atomic Blonde (which, by the way, was bomb - pun intended)! Although I had to cut it short for other responsibilities, I'm still glad we got to spend some time together to catch up and watch a movie.

Time has surely flown by since we graduated high school but it's as if nothing has changed. They still annoy me to bits lol. 'Til next time, loves!

[bianca-reyes]

Day 12/365: Sunny spirits on a rainy day

le 27 juillet 2017 

Despite the rain, we went out today and had lunch at Tagaytay with our family friends. Classes were also suspended so my titos and titas' kids all got to come with us! We originally planned on going to Villa Escudero, however, it was an open place and it'd be hard to eat under this weather with hyperactive kids and an 8-month old baby in tow. So, Tagaytay it was.

We had such a lovely time at Bag of Beans since we basically had the restaurant all to ourselves, and our meals left our palates satisfied. I ordered their filet mignon and was truly delighted. The taste and the (humongous) serving were more than satisfactory!

It was pouring quite hard so we decided to go home afterwards. At around 6pm, we went to Tito Jay and Tita Mae's place to have dinner and one of our traditional raclette nights (which I missed terribly!). The adults were letting loose and singing karaoke while the kids (and I, duh) were watching Harry Potter. Couldn't be any more content, honestly.

Oh, I live for days like these. I don't think I can say this enough so I'll say it again – thank God for friends that turned into family.

[bianca-reyes]

Days 3-11/365: Why did I even start this thing?

YES. I AM A FLAKE. I AM ADMITTING IT TO MYSELF. In my defense, not that much has happened. I've been staying home, trying to cram as much sanity as I can before I plunge to my death aka senior year of uni. Lol. Bon courage, B.

[bianca-reyes]

Day 2/365: All About Family

family (English)

– a group of people with a similar set of genes as you

– may also be that particular group of people you feel utterly comfortable with.

I guess I’m too blessed, having grown up with a family whom I love very much and family friends whose households I could consider my second homes. We were never perfect, nobody is. But if there’s one thing I’m most grateful for, among all that I’ve been blessed with, is this amazing set of support system I’ve had since the day I was born. We don’t get to choose which family we’re born into, yes. But if were to pick my own, I’d still choose them over anyone any damn day.

le 18 juillet 2017

I initially scheduled this day for my last remaining requirements for NSTP. However, my uncle, who’s a seaman, is leaving for work in a few days and so, he and his wife invited me and my parents to a lunch-out at one of our favorite buffet restaurants, Yakimix, in Ortigas.

Afterwards, we watched the third installment in the new Planet of the Apes franchise entitled, “War of the Planet of the Apes”. Visual effects were incredible, as expected. The plot could’ve been executed better though. My favorite take-away from the movie was this: no matter how hard we try to solve human conflict to the point wherein (as if) violence is deemed necessary, Mother Nature ever unpredictable is still out there to prove her superiority over mankind.

That same night, our family friends who are currently based in Geneva were scheduled to arrive for a month-long vacation here in the Philippines. The Villanuevas’ daughter, Nicole, is actually my childhood best friend. We’ve known each other since I was 9 and she was 6 and obviously, it was high time for a sleepover at my house. Just like the olden days.

[bianca-reyes]

Day 1/365: The First of Many More

ningas-kugon (Filipino) 

– "sa simula lang magaling" 

– an invaluable characteristic wherein a person only exerts effort for his chores/responsibilities in the beginning and just wings it as it ends.

I've had this personal blog for years now and although there's really no one else but me, my mom, and a select few of my friends who've stumbled upon this, it's still kinda sad that I've neglected it off to the side. I made this as an avenue for me to be able to articulate my thoughts into (somehow) beautifully-woven words, but I never really got to enhance my writing because I rarely published any content on this blog. Well today, I've decided to change that. I may be the only one reading this but, that's okay. I'm doing this for myself, anyway. 

le 17 juillet 2017

 My dad and I picked my mom up at a nearby mall earlier this evening. The first question my mom asked me when I saw her was, "So, where are we having dinner?" I already had an answer in mind because I've actually been asking my parents to eat at Mama Lou's, a local Italian restaurant, since they opened a new branch in Evia. Tonight, my parents happened to agree with me.

We were having a quiet dinner, talking about mom's upcoming trip to Germany, when we suddenly looked to the side... and saw my best friend and her family sitting down on the table next to ours. Haha! What I thought was going to be a typical, uneventful meal turned out to be a wonderful dinner with laughter and stories shared over delicious food.

hi yabs

yabs took this photo of us hahahhahaa

I love going home to the south.

[bianca-reyes]

The sun sets right at 6:35 tonight.

[arrogantsuggestion]

Absence and lack of communication makes the heart idealize a person. This subconsciously twists your perception of them into thinking that they are something greater than they really are. They ain’t shit. They don’t care. And neither should you.

[bianca-reyes]

j'ai pas besoin d'une raison

Throughout your life, you meet different kinds of people. One’s never the same as the rest of them but… Every single one has the ability, if you were to give them the privilege, to leave a mark in your life, a dent in your heart, a memory in your head.

Once I spend more time with someone I’ve met, I start to think to myself and wonder what purpose they will serve in my life. For them, I may just be a fleeting friend or a soon-to-be stranger who once helped them out. I don’t really mind.

However, in my case, having walls of water means letting anyone enter your life with the least bit of effort possible. And with that comes a great probability of getting hurt, I’m very much aware. But you know what? It’s something I’m okay with or maybe have just gotten used to, I’m not sure. 

I understand that people come and go. And when they go, sure, questions will come popping out. Maybe you’ll even cry yourself to sleep sometimes. But it’s okay. You’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.

[beeyancuh]

Yes, I am aware that we look like idiots. :)

[bianca-reyes]

I miss you, guys.

[bianca-reyes]

le 21 juin 2016

Went out with Yabs a couple days ago for some much needed catch-up! We watched Me Before You at Evia and you guys, the movie made Yabs (aka the most nr person I know) cry!!! Therefore, of course, I had to broadcast it on twitter. Haha! We also ate at this new and fabulous restaurant called Another Story. Nicole and I were talking about its decors and I mentioned that it reminded me a lot of Cafe Voi La (I honestly can’t stop talking about their chicken satay my goodness it was delicious), a restaurant in Tagaytay where my family and I ate at for my advanced birthday celebration. And just yesterday, I found out that the reason why the two restaurants had such a similar vibe was because they’re owned by the same person! Lol. We also had some shaved ice cream at Cold Layers (in Yabs’ words, “glo up kool shaves”) which was reminiscent of our favorite dessert stand back when we were freshmen students in Beda!! (KOOL SHAVES WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE)

It was a great day, such a great day.

[bianca-reyes]

Trip to Tokyo: Days 1 & 2 | Harajuku, Disney Sea, Shibuya

There was once a kid who used to listen to numerous stories from both her parents about the times they’ve gone to Tokyo, how amazing it was, and how much they’ve learned from visiting the city. She would always feel jealous, yet still totally enthralled while listening to her parents’ accounts. She’d tell herself that someday soon, she’ll see the city for herself and will have her own stories and photos to share capturing the renowned charm Tokyo possesses.

This kid’s dream came true on the 24th of January 2016. (And here I am again using the 3rd person to talk about myself.)

DAY 1

We didn’t do anything much during our first day aside from going to Harajuku to MEET UP WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND, EMI!!!!! After we graduated high school, Emi (she’s half-Japanese) moved to Tokyo and enrolled in a prep-school since she was planning on taking her college degree in Tokyo, as well. She’s starting this September, by the way! (Congratulations again on passing uni! <3)

Of course, the number one thing on our list was getting several photos taken at Harajuku’s famous Purikura machines!

After we picked her up, all four of us went back to our hotel in Kiba. Emi and I stayed up for a few more hours to catch up since we haven’t seen each other in about a year and a half but due to exhaustion from our flight and having to lug our bags and suitcases around numerous train stations, I easily fell asleep.

DAY 2

Now, our second day in Tokyo was pretty eventful. Months before our trip, my parents and I have been debating whether to go to Disneyland or Disney Sea. After asking Emi and browsing several blog entries and forums on Yahoo Answers (lol), we decided to go ahead and explore Disney Sea!

I WAS LIKE A KID DROPPED OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF A TREASURE ISLAND. Never have I ever seen something more - for the lack of a better term, photogenic. And since a picture is worth a thousand words, let me shut up and have these photos do the the talking.

Loved this ride and this building so much ;(

I took a ton of photos here but these were the ones I liked the most! Ugh, somebody take me baaaack, please.

At 5:30 in the afternoon, we decided to leave and go to Shibuya! We just ate dinner at a sushi/sashimi restaurant (with one of those mini conveyor belts, hehe) and had coffee. Emi also had to leave after our dinner since she still had school the day after. (Thank you so much for helping us around and for being our guide, Emibeb! We probably would’ve been lost if it weren’t for you. Love ya!!!)

And here I am with the statue of Hachiko, whose story is the cause of my childhood sorrow

Let me end this post with one of my favourite shots from the entire trip.

[bianca-reyes]

Joyeux dix-huitième anniversaire, Bianca !

Happy 18th birthday, self.

Two years ago, you told yourself to never settle for anything less than the best, to always do more and never be contented with just 'okay'. Having standards isn't a bad thing, it's great, even. But sometimes, I hope you know that you need not push yourself to the point of breaking down just to do something you honestly can't, even comparing yourself to others will not change a thing. You'll only end up frustrating yourself over one thing that's beyond your control. Focus on and do great things with your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Accept them, you do not have to forcibly change yourself. You're more than your flaws and shortcomings, keep that in mind. At least now you know you could still do better.

I'm happy that you continue to turn your dreams into reality and that you never gave up and lost hope in yourself. One day, you will look back on how far you've come and you will be proud of yourself. Do not forget to thank and acknowledge the people who helped you get there. You are so blessed and loved, you know. You have the most supportive parents who give you everything you need, your thoughtful relatives who back you up in your every endeavor, your amazing set of friends who encourage you to be the best that you can be, and of course, Superfriend, who is the Reason for your existence, the Giver of your blessings, and the One who will endlessly shower you with guidance, wisdom, and love.

Lastly, I wish you good health and a more productive and happier year ahead.

Hey, if you reached this point, I'd like to thank you for bearing with my long-ass message and for taking a few minutes off your time to read this. I appreciate it, and you. I just wanna let you know that I didn't write this message with only myself in mind. I wrote this for you too, you amazing human being.

P.S. bianca reyes, magpapayat ka na. 

P.P.S. yes, I posted this on Facebook and Instagram already on my actual birthday, March 8th. I just felt like I needed to document this on here too. Lol