So Good @ Pretending I Have My S*** Together I Almost Believe It

She/Her. Queer. Demisexual. 24. Finally fulfilled my dream to work in Pro Baseball only for Covid-19 to happen. So...we're coping?

[biandnotreadytotry]

Need to be clear that my sims storyline is based on a ScoRose fanfic I wrote, so it's not that I don't support Scorbus(I love Scorbus), its just not the story I was trying to tell with this gameplay lmao. Also, Al you have an OC gf that you love and in this specific fanfic Al/Scorp are straight. Nnnoooo. When mods go rogue lol. Sorry for the low quality pic I did not realize until it was too late. And yes that is Rose in the background.

Al: Roses are red, violets are blue, there's nobody else for me Scorpius but you. I know that was REALLY lame but I really do like you Scorpius.

Scorp's prompts: I feel the same way OR sorry I don't feel that way.

[angels-in-overcoats]

[exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear]

onald squad

[edenoi]

Brought America to the brink of nuclear war after tensions had long subsided, removed safety regulations, sent federal troops to brutalize protesters, crashed the stock market,

[biandnotreadytotry]

The Real Question For My Fellow Authors Here

For those of us who are writing stories/fics strongly rooted in reality/history does that mean I have to include the Covid-19 pandemic in my story?  ‘Cause I’m lowkey fine being revisionist, but also...historical accuracy lmao.

[dilfosaur]

i noticed my burnout comic was making rounds but the full comic is no longer available after the collegehumor website went offline…. so here it is!!!

i wrote/drew this back in 2018 when i was struggling w hella burnout and depression. i hope everyone is taking care of themselves :3

[iamstrong-iamloved-iambeautiful]

This!

[biandnotreadytotry]

This is like two days two late apparently, but I guess Terri Minsky is no longer a part of the Lizzie Mcguire revival 🤔

I have nothing to contribute other than being kind of bummed about it, bc I was hoping she'd bring some of that AM ingenuity to LM, but tbh now I'm curious as to how much that'll change the show.

[biandnotreadytotry]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

My labor of love!  I know we’re all starved of content here, and all I wanted to say is that I’ve been working on this fic since the show ended and we’ve FINALLY made it to The Bench Scene™.  So if reading a canon-based fic from TJ’s POV is your thing, I encourage you to read.  Mostly, I just hope I did the episode justice!

Anyways, this whole dang chapter is a spoiler, so here’s an excerpt.  A convo between two of my favorite characters, Bex and TJ!

She nodded at that, leaning against the wall next to me, “Yeah, I get that.  When I was pregnant with Andi, obviously at some point it was going to be pretty obvious that I was pregnant.  That's kind of how it works, obviously."  She shook her head at that, "Anyways, the whole situation felt sort of helpless.  And, I had this opportunity to say something before things got obvious.  And getting the choice to say...whatever...on your own terms, it gives you some of that power back.  Not all of it, that's not possible. But some of it," she glanced at me, this warmness in her eyes, "Still, like telling my parents before they found out the obvious way, it was probably the scariest thing I'd ever done."

I didn’t say anything in response, I couldn’t.  I didn’t know what to say.  It was like she saw right through me.

“I got the power to say it to them.  On my time and my terms.  And yeah, people definitely talked about me—it’s a small town—some people knew before I got to tell them.  That wasn’t fun.  I don't know if any of this is relevant.  But I'm trying to say, I kind of get what your going through."

I sighed, being intentionally vague, and—I don't know, hoping she got it,  “I shouldn’t have to tell them.”

“No," she forced a smile, "you shouldn’t.”  She paused, considering her next question, “How do you think your crush would react if you did tell them you liked them?”

I stumbled through my words, trying to be careful, “I don’t know if they like…” I paused, holding my breath, not really sure where I was going with this without being too obvious, “let alone…”

That was horrible.  I was horrible with words. And vagueness.  She probably understood exactly what I meant because I just…didn’t know how to use the English language.

But she was so warm in her response.  Not attempting to understand, but understanding all the same.  She smiled at me, “Yeah...I feel that.”

Suddenly I felt so calm.  I felt so seen.  I finally cracked a smile, cocking my head towards the stage, where Bowie and Jonah were setting up various instruments, “What’s going on there?”

“Oh, some sort of open mic thing Bowie set up.  Really, I think the only one who’s gonna’ do it is Jonah…but, Jonah needs to perform somewhere other than the Red Rooster at some point.”

“Oh, cool.”

She turned her head towards me again, “You know.  There’s power in privacy.  Keeping things to yourself until you’re ready to talk about them.  But you know what else is powerful?”

“What?”

“Being loud and proud and owning it,” she shrugged, “taking that power back.”

Loud and proud?  Uh…so she definitely suspected I was gay then?  That’s where this felt like it was going.

“Huh?”

She suddenly stood tall, looking concerningly excited, “You play any instruments?”

[biandnotreadytotry]

The Life of a Self-Conscious Author

So I just looked up a WIP I wrote on a writing platform a few years ago(for like no real reason, too) and finally read some reviews that said something to the effect of “has potential, but here’s some genuine constructive criticism bc some of these storylines need work” and idk why I got so sad about considering the concerns that commenter had, were the SAME concerns I had at the time.

That writing is 5 years old lol!  I love how I spiraled like my writing hasn’t gotten better since then.

Why writers never share those stories that are our babies lol.

[biandnotreadytotry]

To whoever posted Star Wars Spoilers on their TL without tagging *SPOILERS*at the BEGINNING of the post

F*ck you, the movies been out for like 2 days.  It was a big spoiler too.  C’mon, common courtesy.

I was just trying to scroll through my feed unassumingly, and BAM, plot point ruined.

That’s all.

[biandnotreadytotry]

Andi Mack Was My Bright Light This Year

To say that this year was hell would be an understatement.  I graduated Grad School, but didn’t get to walk in the ceremony.  I moved back to my hometown after I said I never would because, “Life is precious and you never know how much time you get with family.”  My dad got triple bypass.  2 months later he got an amputation. A month and a half after that he passed away.  But while the show was going, it was my reprieve from my stressful summer.

Still, I don’t know what I would have done had the final episode of the show premiered even a week later.  I remembered wondering how I’d fill the void with the show gone, and a week later I didn’t have to worry—my dad was septic and needed emergency leg amputation.  A week and a half later we got the news that he had some terminal ridiculously rare renal disease with no cure, a high mortality rate, and a 100% chance he’d never heal.  If I’m thankful for one thing, it’s that we got a beautiful month and a half with him, to say all the I love you’s and goodbyes.  I basically lived in that hospital for a month and a half, a fresh grad also trying to navigate how to get my first “big girl grown up job”.  It was a stressful time, but I would never take back the time I got with him.

And throughout the ordeal, all I could think of was 311.  I hadn’t come out to my dad, and when I moved back at the beginning of the summer, I said I’d come out of to him when he was healthier, so as to not add stress to him.  Only he didn’t get better.  With all of the medication he was on, he wasn’t really there most days.  And my well meaning but naive little brother, while my dad was on his literal deathbed(and we were SURROUNDED by family I was definitely not out to) goes, “YOU NEED TO TELL HIM”[And yes, I almost punched my brother right then and there, but thankfully my mom told him to shut up].  I still didn’t.  I wasn’t ready.  But I’d made peace with it.

I bring this up, because I kept going back to 311.  With Cyrus expressing dissapointment that he didn’t tell Bubbe while he had a chance.  I had a chance.  But I wasn’t ready.  But would I regret it if I didn’t?  But, it was my choice who I told and when.  In the end I didn’t come out to him, but I certainly wouldn’t have made peace with it in the way I did without Andi Mack.  Yes, coming out is important, but an important part of Cyrus’ story was him being ready, and it being okay NOT to be ready.

Do I think my dad would have supported me?  I think so.  Do I wish I’d told him? I don’t know.  I fell out of this fandom not because I wanted to, but because life hit me really hard.  What’s the point I’m trying to make?  I guess it’s that I’m a 24 year old adult woman, and when I think this show doesn’t affect me in any way i hits me like a truck and suddenly becomes some kind of anchor, a guide to help me navigate my own feelings.  Relevant in ways I wish it wasn’t.  311 made me finally talk to my therapist about my sexuality, made me actually talk about it with my mom, helped me navigate my choice not to come out to my dad.

This is my thanks to the show.  May it never become irrelevant.  May it never die as long as it lives in the hearts of those that love it.  May it continue to inspire, embolden, and educate.  This show ended up meaning so much to me, and I’m so so thankful for the community that sprung up around it.  And as the year ends, this is my thank you to an amazing show.  May the tag live on in the new decade!

[kinetic-empathy]

Evan "Buck" Buckley is really out here representing all of us pure of heart dumb of ass ADHD bisexuals who hyperfixate on literally anything and Google just about everything so that they know what's going on and what could happen

[biandnotreadytotry]

Why is this me??

[biandnotreadytotry]

S/O to all the AM Tyrus stans looking for their newest queer couple to ship

I’m not saying I transferred my Tyrus energy into Buddie.  I’m not saying that Buck/Eddie on 911 feels like the same sort of energy (i.e. an absolute slowburn that’s definitely not going to happen until the last episode of the show IF it happens...but also how is that not where they’re going with it??).  I’m not saying that the showrunners have encouraged it(but also discouraged it)[just like with AM].  

I’m just saying that it’s a flipping Ryan Murphy show with three queer characters in-universe(now five if we count their spin-off) and OMG somehow this ship STILL literally has Tyrus energy.  I don’t know how a grown-up Fox show did it, but if Buddie doesn’t become a thing...am I starved for another slow-burn “they won’t” non-traditional queer ship?  Uggghhhh, I miss Andi Mack.

[biandnotreadytotry]

So I’m Working A Basketball Game The Other Day

So I’m an Athletic Trainer(i.e. the medic at athletic events, mostly at schools.  Think if an EMT & PT had a baby, it’d be us.  We deal with handling injuries when they happen, and then rehabbing them back to health).

Anyways, I work with basketball, and the other day was the first game of the season and I just found out one of the Coach is nicknamed TJ.

Needless to say, I was living that whole game ‘cause I’m never escaping Andi Mack haha.  (Also, I hate working basketball so it was literally the only thing that made it tolerable, sorry not sorry haha)

[biandnotreadytotry]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I know it’s been like 3 months since the series finale, but dammit I commited to this fic so I’m gonna finish it.  This is the only thing keeping me sane in the midst of this permanent hiatus.  The premise is simple, Canon Tyrus moments from the POV of TJ(well mostly canon, obviously I had to fill in some blanks).  It’s been so fun digging into his pysche, and I’m so excited I finally got to the Shiva/Challah chapter.  I present to you a boy, his adventures in making homemade Challah, and some protective friends.  Enjoy!

Cy: I'm not okay.

The text had been random, sent in shortly before bedtime on Thursday.  It immediately set me on edge.  I nearly sat up in my bed as I read it.

TJ: What's going on??

Cy: My Bubbe just passed away  😭😭😭

He always talked about his grandma.  This old woman seemingly full of stories and adventures, and honestly—it sounded like—a shock that she survived as long as she did.

Evidently her time actually had been numbered.  I was deeply sorry for Cyrus and his family.

I was lucky not to really know death.  I mean, my grandparents on my mom's side had passed, but I never really knew them so I didn't know any better.  I can't even begin to imagine what Cyrus and his family were going through.  I didn't even know what to do, or what to say.

TJ: Oh no, Cy, I’m so so sorry! Is there anything I can do for you?

Cy: Well, we’re having a Minyan in a couple days.  It’s like a memorial.  At my mom’s house  It would mean a lot if you came.

TJ: Of course, I’ll try to be there

Of course that was my ‘cool’ and 'collected' answer, that I’d try to be there.

The truth was, it was the morning of the Minyan now, a Saturday, and I'd somehow roped Billie into driving me around town for the past hour.

And here I was, searching on my phone desperately for every grocery store within a 30 mile radius, while I fielded texts from my teammates.

I guess I was thankful that I had finally started to make genuine friendships with my other teammates—a side effect of actually speaking to them—and I was equally thankful they actively attempted to involve me in their pick up games.  Things were looking up, things were going to be okay.  And for that, I was happy that things were starting to feel normal again.

But my formerly made plans to play pickup basketball with them every Saturday afternoon until the end of time would have to wait, because it would mean a lot if I came.

Of course, I couldn't think of a good lie, and I couldn't just not show up— because pickup basketball was a sacred art, especially when it involved 2v2—so instead of saying the truth I decided to come up with an elaborate lie that involved being grounded.

I'd feel bad about making their game uneven later.

“This kid always gets you in a mood,” Billie chuckled as we stopped at what felt like the 50th bakery in Shadyside.  After an hour of this, she was clearly done with me; but I think she so genuinely enjoyed seeing me so riled up, that she went along with it just to see how long it would take me to crack.

“Why don’t they have Challah?!” I groaned as I stomped back to her car.  I was honestly getting so frustrated.  Why did it have to be Challah that I chose?  Why couldn't I just go with a different bread?  Or a different food?  And why didn't they sell it anywhere?

“Maybe because it’s a Jewish bread." Billie chuckled, laughing even harder as my eyes widened in realization, "You’d have better luck at a Kosher store.”

“So we should go to a Kosher store?” I glared at her for laughing at me but I quickly jumped into the car, ready for my new mission of finding a Kosher store.  I can't believe I didn’t even think of it, “We should go before I end up being super late to this thing.”

Billie slowly entered the car, sat down quietly, and inched her seat-belt into the holster.   After what felt like an eternity of her taking her time, she very calmly sighed at me, “We can’t go to a Kosher store, TJ.”

Admittedly overly emotional about it all because I was stressed, and annoyed at her dramatic way of telling me, I immediately snapped at her, “Why not?!”

“Because it’s Shabbat.  The Jewish Sabbath.  Those stores are closed today.”

Who was she?  “How the heck do you know this?”

“Sarah?  One of my best friends is Jewish, dude.” She flicked my bicep, “One of your best friends is Jewish now too, you should learn these things.” She paused, “I mean…the fact that you took the time to find a Jewish bread  on the internet but didn’t take the time to realize it was Shabbat is like super hilarious though.”

“So what do I do?” I snapped at her, flustered, “I was gonna’ head over in an hour.”

She shrugged, “I don’t know.  Make some, homemade?”

I glared at her.

“What?  Like the two of us mutually haven’t baked enough with dad we can’t figure this thing out?  What else are you gonna’ do?  You clearly already committed to this bread.”

I groaned at her, because she was right.  I had committed.  I could do it.  We could do it.

But also?  I was shocked she was even remotely willing enough to help me at all.  I know she needed to leave in like an hour.  She had things to do today.

Thankfully, I had one less thing to worry about because we ended up finding all the ingredients we needed in the small grocery store around the corner from our house.

Within a half hour of this plan coming together we were already getting to work.

Well mostly Billie, who was trying to get as much set up as possible so that she could leave me without having me be completely helpless.

Not that I would be, I mean, I've made bread a couple times before.

Except like not alone, so that part sort of scared me.

I groaned when we read the directions after we finished kneading the dough.  Like realistically I should have known better because I’ve made bread with dad before, but my anxiety made the concept of waiting seem so completely unreasonable I couldn’t even begin to figure out how long I actually had to wait.

And what's worse, Billie even told me how long it would take and my brain refused to process what an hour and a half even meant.  It was a meaningless number to me, and that frustrated me too.  God, I hated having Dyscalculia.  It was so inconvenient.

I hated it got worse when I was stressed.  After trying to conceptualize the number for nearly two minutes I finally groaned at her, "I have to let it rise for a whole hour and a half?!  What time is that, anyways?!”

Billie shrugged, and I suddenly realized she had her small vanity mirror and all her makeup set out on the kitchen table.  She was doing her makeup in the kitchen while watching me freak out.  She sounded so casual in her response to me, “You could always go without it.”

In other words, it would take forever.

Far too committed to this thing now, I snapped at her, “No I can’t Billie!  I've committed!”

“I appreciate your dedication, but…uh, I gotta finish getting ready." She laughed at me, " So uh, good luck with the Challah and being super late to your friends thing and…” she paused, and I suddenly realized she wasn’t even talking about the challah anymore, “don’t freak out, okay?  I watched you set all the timers on your phone, so you shouldn’t have any issues with getting the times wrong.  Just follow your timers and read the directions, easy.  There’s like no way you can burn it.”

I glared at her for that.

Though I did appreciate the energy she took into making sure I could handle all the mental math after she left.

When I was younger I had a reputation of burning things when I baked things—but it was only when I was alone.  At the time we figured it was just because I was young and still needed help.  Now that we realized it was the dyscalculia, we made sure that I had safeguards in place—like pre-measured ingredients—so I wouldn’t have to rely on the numbers so much.

It was sort of annoying that they had to make accommodations for me, but at least my family members never made me feel like they were accommodating.

Billie chuckled at me as she stood up, “This whole situation will be really funny in like a day when you’re not looking like you’re gonna’ kill me.”

[biandnotreadytotry]

Today is the day I accept that I’m a Cyrus, not a Buffy

So I got a tattoo the other day(not my first, and I’ve already warned my mom it’s happening, I just didn’t tell her when haha).  And she’s not jazzed about me getting more tattoos so I haven’t told her yet, and honestly...like it’s killing me not telling her.  I’m not even scared of her reaction, it’s more ‘cause I tell her everything.  I’m impressed by my self resolve though, considering I live in her house haha.

And for that reason I’m definitely a Cyrus, because I am a grown ass woman who is hiding a tattoo from her mom and feels like I need to tell her in the first place haha.

[biandnotreadytotry]

So I’m writing a Canon-Tyrus fic, and I’m writing about Jonah’s panic attacks in one of the chapters....anyways, it got me thinking about how a couple weeks ago my brother had a panic attack and out of nowhere I was saying things like “5 things you can touch, 4 things you can see...” and it really worked to help ground him and calm him down.  I looked at my mom, like why do I know this and she goes, “The Fosters”.  Like I didn’t even remember this episode, but the skills were so incredibly helpful, my brain locked it in to my subconscious.

It reminded me why I was so subconsciously dissapointed/upset during 311, with Jonah’s panic attack.  Like they had such an opportunity to TEACH kids how to help their friends cope with panic/anxiety attacks, with actual skills, and instead Cyrus—the son of mental health professionals, and a self-proclaimed sufferer himself—offered no sort of tools for Jonah, other than like “wait it out”.

Like I realize this is a stupid thing to get upset about way after the fact, but I don’t know.  Looking back I guess I’m sad that Andi Mack had a real opportunity to be educational...and they didn’t.  I wish AM had helped me in the way that the Fosters evidently did in that moment I was helping someone who was experiencing a panic attack.

[biandnotreadytotry]

Season 2 Thoughts

Sometimes I question whether or not I’m legitimately bisexual (as one does) and then I remember Ester Exposito exists and yup, definitely not straight lol.

I’m not saying I watch Elite just for her, but oh my god what a beautiful human being.

[no-use-906547-2000-deactivated2]

Crushes Change: Cyrus, Confidence & Sexual Identity

BUCKLE UP BABY. This is going to be ABSURDLY long. This is less of an analysis and more of a dissertation. rip. leggo i guess 

Alright so I got a request to analyze our boy Cyrus, and his growth into developing confidence in himself and his sexuality. Now, obviously Cyrus is a character who has grown MONUMENTAL amounts since S1E1, and the only just way to understand his character arc is to, well… watch the show lmao. but we don’t have space for an entire show analysis, only most of one. this is really long guys

before I get into this I want to make clear that Cyrus is a fleshed-out character beyond the fact that he is gay. He has confidence arcs in so many things: physical ability, risk-taking, friendships, passions, school, family, religion, etc. However, in this post I am going to specifically focus on how his confidence relates to his sexuality– in particular, I want to talk about how Cyrus’s changing crush, from Jonah to TJ reflects a shift in confidence within himself. 

Cyrus’s Early Crush On Jonah & Insecurity in Himself

You could simply say that Jonah was Cyrus’s first crush, but there was a lot behind it. Cyrus was a weird lil quirky boi, and while he was confident in his personality around Andi and Buffy, he was not confident around Jonah. I think this lack of confidence comes from 2 reasons: 

1) Jonah Beck was Jonah Beck™

In the beginning he didn’t just like Jonah, he worshipped him. He literally says the phrase “I didn’t need to know Jonah Beck was human”: in Cyrus’s eyes, he is a public figure, a god. He put him on a pedestal, and when you do that to someone, you by default place yourself beneath them.

Since Jonah was on this pedestal, Cyrus now had to reach Jonah’s “level” of coolness to interact with him. Cyrus became very performative and did things that he wouldn’t normally do– trying to be someone else. Learning sports facts, trying to seem “less girly,” learning how to do a bro-hug, etc. He dressed different, he talked different, he put on a persona because he thought Jonah wouldn’t want to accept who he actually was 

The whole thing is really ironic, because of course Jonah does accept Cyrus for who he is! Jonah doesn’t see Cyrus as less than him because he’s different, but that doesn’t matter, because Cyrus does. When you see someone different than you as “better,” all of a sudden you look at all the things that make you you as lesser, not important, not cool. Which leads, obviously, to a low self-confidence and insecurity.

2) Jonah Beck was a boy… a Straight Boy

Not only is Jonah Beck someone he thinks is cool, he’s also someone that Cyrus likes. Like likes. He wants to be with Jonah– he wants them to wear sports jackets and hang out together– he was ecstatic to turn the double date into just a bro hang. The fleeting idea that maybe he and Jonah were on the same page– maybe he would want to match with Cyrus, to be seen with him like that: 

but boom– there it is. something Cyrus would want (matching jackets with Jonah~ a very COUPLY thing to do) is seen as “dorky”– Cyrus is dorky, Jonah is not. But it continues: Jonah, who was already unattainable because of how “cool” he was, is also unattainable because he is a straight boy with a girlfriend:

And this is now another aspect of himself he has to hide. He has to hide the fact that he likes a boy. Cyrus did not tell anyone about his feelings for a LONG time. He kept them to himself, and when he admitted them for the first time he couldn’t even say the words. Feeling ashamed of such a huge aspect of your own identity, and having to hide it, all again leads to a lack of confidence. Again, he couldn’t fully be himself: he couldn’t be dorky, he couldn’t like-like Jonah. Those are 2 things he had to hide.

and so Cyrus was dealing with the insecurity and self-doubt of liking someone who you think is better than you, who could never like you back, and who is the same gender as you in a homophobic world. He had to hide all of this– and it’s hard to be confident in yourself when you feel like some of that self, you have to hide. All of this made Cyrus “feel weird… feel different.” 

Coming Out #1: I Feel Weird… Different 

This is still one of my favorite scenes in the entire show and one of my favorite TV scenes ever. Someday I’m going to make an analysis of specifically Buffy & Cyrus’s friendship and how instrumental she was to Cyrus’s confidence in his identity, but i digress

Keep reading