Kili Durinson

The younger brother. 23. (Indie Kili RP blog; multi-verse & multi-shipping)

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Coming Home || Kili & Bofur [May 2nd]

[amakeroftoys]

"I didn’t, no," Bofur mumbled and smiled slightly. "I wasn’t so sure that he’d listen though. And it wasn’t too bad, considering." He thought back on their conversation with a grimace on his face and remembered Thorin’s cold eyes as he had talked about Kili. And about Katja. Bofur didn’t doubt that Thorin would find a way to use it against him. He felt a sudden sadness at how wrong everything had gone and how many relationships he had ruined. He was dimly aware that Kili was still talking and he made a humming sound. "Hmm, yeah. Yeah, he pretty much told me that one version of our meeting had him firing a gun involved." he snorted slightly. "Thorin doesn’t like me very much. He thinks I’m…" he trailed off, didn’t want Kili to know what Thorin thought of him, even though he probably had given Kili the rundown when they had talked earlier.

Kili began plucking at the violin strings once more and Bofur relaxed slightly at the soft sound. With each beat Bofur felt the mood change drastically and he looked at Kili with worried eyes. “Kili, you okay?” he mumbled and gently massaged the nape of Kili’s neck. The slumped shoulders and the tired, deep sigh concerned Bofur. He thought of Thorin’s last word and wondered if Kili was already doubting what they had. He surely hoped not. He leaned in and gently leaned his cheek on Kili’s shoulder. “I love you, you know,” he whispered. The words were still foreign in his mouth and caught on his tongue. But they still felt good to say. “We’ll make it.” No matter how many times he refused himself to think of the future they might have he still managed to give himself hope.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

“Good old uncle Thorin. Always giving a shit when you don’t want him to,” Kili growled, angrily plucking at the strings in his hands. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about the things his uncle had undoubtedly threatened to do, because Kili KNEW he would follow up on them. Thorin didn’t make idle threats, he was aware of that, and considering that Bofur was now the object of those promises made him angrier than he was willing to admit. “He doesn’t like anyone. The only person he’s ever liked is mum, and she doesn’t deserve it. Maybe that’s why he is the way he is. Fuck if I know.” It was ironic, in a way, to finally admit it out loud, because ever since Kili could remember, he had done nothing but try to impress his uncle. He’d tried so hard to be exactly like him that now - now that he’d finally done it, he’d finally succeeded - now he realised what that meant, and once his eyes had been opened, it was impossible to shut them.

He felt himself grow up, he’d been feeling it for a while now. Fili had been right; they HAD changed, both of them, and Kili wondered just how much of HIM was still left now. How much he had ever been HIMSELF in the first place, always living in the crushing confinement of his family, the looming shadow of his uncle he’d been trying to hide in, his brother’s constant protection. He was alone now, he could feel it, and yes, it had changed him. A lot. He was no longer a child, and that thing he had with Bofur… That was something a child had stumbled into, blind and clueless about the consequences, but the adult that was sitting here now had to make a decision, one way or another.

He swallowed, ignoring Bofur’s touches, and slowly put down the violin beside him, looking blankly ahead as he tried to drown out the words. They would only make it harder, coming to a decision, and he knew he was running out of time. Every day he spent pushing it off, only prolonged the inevitable, and eventually the choice would be taken from him. “I hate this place,” he said quietly, still not looking at Bofur. “I hate it. It’s cold and empty and I hate it! The fireplace doesn’t even work, why do you have it??” His voice was getting louder, and he was practically shouting by the time he jumped up and gestured around the room. “I hate it! It’s so fucking empty and you’re never here! I spend all day here on my own, and I don’t like it! Fili isn’t talking to me, my mum’s fuck knows where and I’m sitting in a shitty apartment trying to convince myself I know better than everyone else.” He broke off, breathing heavily as his eyes grazed just past Bofur, never quite looking at him, and he mustered up the courage to say almost quietly now compared to the shouting, “Tell me what to do. Tell me, because I really don’t know.”

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Coming Home || Kili & Bofur [May 2nd]

[amakeroftoys]

"Gwin?" Bofur chuckled. "You named your violin? Should I feel threatened?" He smiled widely as Kili leaned into his touch and he touched him possessively over his heart, careful with the brand since he didn’t know how sore Kili still was. He was still quite smug over the way Kili responded to his touch and the way he seemed to want more. Bofur had been cautious before, but now that everyone seemed to know he couldn’t see the point in it anymore. Several people had told him to stay away from Kili, and Kili to stay away from Bofur, but so far Kili seemed determined to stay. He bit down gently on Kili’s throat before catching his lips in a kiss.

"Oh, only maybe?" he grinned and quickly palmed the front of Kili’s trousers "I have a feeling you might be down playing it." He nodded slightly, mood changing as Kili turned around. "Yes, we really do. And no," he continued and let a small smile feature on his face. "I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. But I did talk to Thorin today. I just wanted you to know since we’re you know, partners or whatever we are calling this. You deserve to know what happened." He held out his hand and led Kili over to the couch. He sat down and looked seriously at Kili. "He’s not pleased. And I think the only reason I’m still alive is that you told him not to kill me. So thank you, I suppose." he touched Kili’s cheek with a small grin.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

“Well I HAVE known her longer…” Kili mused, grinning cheekily while he soaked up all the touches as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks rather than a day. “Of course I named my violin. I’ve known her for ages, and my fingers have explored every inch of her. Repeatedly. Would have been rude not to at least give her a name, don’t you think?” He chuckled, grip tightening in Bofur’s hair when he felt the hand through his trousers. A groan escaped him, and he grunted, “Well, maybe I did. Maybe I missed you a lot. You’ll just have to keep guessing.”

He watched Bofur turn more or less serious, but the change wasn’t too big to be alarming, so he simply listened and let himself be led to the couch. His first instinct was to drape himself all over him, but the mention of Thorin stopped him, too serious to not give it his full attention, and he dropped down next to him instead, a hand coming up to ruffle his hair in thought. “I told him to drop it, but I guess he figured he’d have more luck with you since you probably wouldn’t tell him to go fuck himself.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, and he leaned out of reach when Bofur’s hand touched his cheek. He’d all but forgotten about his uncle and the nasty fight they’d had when Kili had returned to the mansion, but now it all came crashing down at him with a vengeance, and he didn’t like it.

He’d been high after getting the brand, and he’d all but stumbled into his old home, triggering the conversation he’d avoided having for weeks by accident, and he hadn’t been prepared for it in the least. He didn’t like to think about it, but ‘displeased’ didn’t even begin to cover his uncle’s feelings at the time. “Did you think I’d let him kill you? I’m not a child, no matter what people think. He loves me like a son,” he sneered, slightly shaking his head, “that means he’s gonna kill anyone he thinks isn’t good for me. I saw it coming miles away. Lucky for you it also means he doesn’t want me resenting him. Did he threaten you? Said he’d do it himself? Never thought he cared that much before.”

He picked up his violin again, pulling aimlessly at the strings to occupy his nervous fingers. The truth was he was tired, more than tired, of people constantly telling him what a huge mistake he was making, how wrong and awful it was, how terrible a man he was seeing. He’d almost thrown a book at his uncle in his drug induced haze mixed with anger fuelled by his exasperation, and every time he saw Fili and had to endure that look on his face and ignore the hateful words coming out of his mouth, he stumbled home crying, wondering why the fuck he even bothered anymore. Perhaps he WAS making a mistake. Everyone else sure thought so, but… He sighed, hiding his face in his hands as he took a deep breath and muttered, “Fuck this.”

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Apartment - Part 2

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Apartment - Part 1

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Coming Home || Kili & Bofur [May 2nd]

[amakeroftoys]

Bofur heard the tentative sound of strings search their way from within his apartment and down the hallway. He frowned slightly at the unfamiliar sound as he quietly opened the door. He hung up his coat and followed the violin into the living room where he found Kili. His fingers were gracefully moving over the strings and Bofur thought he had never seen anyone so peaceful before. His moves were erratic, but yet his face had a look of complete serenity, as if he was far away from everything that had happened the last few weeks. He was good. Maybe a bit hesitant sometimes, as if he wasn’t sure that he still knew how to play, but good nonetheless. Bofur leaned against the doorframe and watched Kili as he play, a small smile painted on his face. It was in moments like these, when it was just him and Kili, that he forgot about the world outside their home. It had been so easy when it was just the two of them that he had sort of forgotten what other people would think. But still, Bofur was struck with how well Kili seemed to fit in his life.

He walked up as Kili started a slower tune and gently wrapped his arms around him. “Now, how come I’ve never heard you play before?” he murmured and softly kissed his neck. His hands came to rest at the waist of Kili’s jeans and he stroked the sliver of skin between them and the shirt Kili was wearing. The fabric was soft and worn and Bofur recognised it as something from the back of his own wardrobe. He pressed Kili closer and trailed his hands over Kili’s body. He thought of the day that had passed and tried to decide on the best way of telling Kili as much as he could. But right then he was satisfied in knowing that Kili was home, that he was safe. “I missed you,” he whispered against Kili’s hair.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Kili didn’t hear him come in, and he didn’t notice he was there at all until he could feel the arms wrap around him. He started, immediately dropping his hand, and stopped playing, twisting his head to look at Bofur behind him. “Didn’t have Gwin with me,” he shrugged, leaning happily into the embrace, “and I don’t really like playing for an audience. Haven’t touched this in ages.” He jumped slightly when the fingers touched his bare skin, unconsciously seeking the sensation a moment later. He purred happily at the lips on his neck and stretched while he soaked up the warmth. Smiling at the words, he finally turned around, taking the bow in his other hand so he had one free to tangle in Bofur’s hair, and hummed.

“Mhm, did you? I was only gone for a night.” He grinned, quickly pressing a kiss against his lips before he retreated again and said, “Maaaayyybe I missed you too. Y’know. Possibly. I wouldn’t rule it out.” Untangling himself so he could put down the violin, leaving him with both hands free, he faced Bofur with a slightly more serious expression, hands crossed in front of his chest. “But you said you wanted to talk, so... I’m ASSUMING you’re not kicking me out. So what is it? You’re not leaving again, are you? Because I gotta tell you, you might as well not bother saying anything in that case.”

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Coming Home || Kili & Bofur [May 2nd]

Kili had spent the night back at the mansion, not wanting Bofur to realise what he’d been doing before he’d visited his brother. He was also running out of clothes fast, most of his things still not in the flat yet, so he decided to take some things with him when he went back. They hadn’t talked about it, but at least Kili felt like he’d moved in already, the mansion stopped being his home weeks ago, so he figured it would be alright to finally bring some things over, and they should probably discuss it at some point now that he thought about it.

When Bofur called him and told him they had to talk, he packed everything up and went back, throwing his bag on the couch before he opened his violin case more gently, fingers reverently trailing over the polished wood. He hadn’t touched it in so long, it almost felt like meeting for the first time again. He’d missed it, living with Bofur, but he’d never really thought about bringing it over before, thinking the noise wouldn’t be appreciated anyway. Now, with all the recent developments… He needed something to calm him down, something to keep him grounded. Shooting at things only did so much, and all things considered, it probably wasn’t the best distraction right now. He fiddled with the strings for a few minutes, tuning it just right, and eventually he just started playing it aimlessly, not really following a specific melody but rather getting reacquainted with the instrument, letting the music flow through his fingers and vibrate through his body. He started pacing through the living room as he usually did, the erratic sounds slowly turning calmer, softer and more melodic until they turned into a little symphony and he finally drowned out the rest of the world, coming to a halt, and focused only on the motions of his fingers.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Text || Avery & Kili

Avery: Then stop acting like a child!

Kili: You don't know what you're dealing with, Ave. This isn't just a stupid fight over a toy. Let it go.

Kili: Fili's gonna come round when he's ready. I can't force him to process shit faster.

[filibigbrother]

Visitor // Fili & Kili (1st May)

[filibigbrother]

When Kili moved away from him Fili followed him over the couch, refusing to let Kili pull away from him. Kili fairly radiated guilt in his body language and expression, even if he wasn’t, Fili still felt like he could read him like a book and he knew that this was pretty much exactly as he dreaded. It made his heart sink. “kili what have you done?” he asked with genuine pain in his tone. His eyes were fixed on that spot on Kili’s chest, even when his brother tried to cover the mark Fili could see it still, it was burned into his memory, much like the brand was burned into Kili’s skin… into his own. He knew that Kili was trying to deflect him, when Kili was faced with something he didn’t want to deal with he would ramble, hoping that if he talked enough it would distract everyone from the matter at hand. There was no distracting Fili from this. “What the hell have you done?” he repeated quietly. He reached out, brushing Kili’s fingers aside and noticing the way they shook, his own hands were shaking too as he snagged the corners of Kili’s shirt and gently pulled them aside to reveal the brand. It was larger than his own, still healing it couldn’t have been more than a few days old. So that was what Kili had been doing… Fili shut his eyes, grief flowing through him so sharply. “What’s wrong with you, Kili? This isn’t… this isn’t what I wanted, it was never what I wanted.”

He could still remember the pain of his own branding so clearly, the terror that consumed him. It had been humiliating, it’d reduced him to nothing more than an animal, it wasn’t something he wanted to remember. It wasn’t something he ever wanted his brother to experience. But Kili had experience so much recently… and Fili was helpless to keep him from it. First the torture and the killing… and now this. It frightened him that Kili’s first reaction to anything was to cause pain… both to others and to himself. He felt like he was grieving for his baby brother. “Did you think it would make everything better? You think it would take this away?” he gestured to his hip. “It hasn’t it’s just made it worse, don’t you get that? You’ve hurt yourself Kili, do you think I’d ever even for a second want that?”

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Kili grimaced, his free hand slowly coming up to rub anxiously over his mouth, eyes never leaving his brother. He watched Fili take it all in, retreating slightly when he came closer but not stopping him from revealing the brand, and swallowed heavily at the pain in his expression. He’d never meant to hurt Fili, that was the one thing he would never do, but he couldn’t deny that he’d known he would react like this, and yet he’d done it anyway. It had been necessary, but Kili knew his brother wouldn’t see it that way, had known that from the beginning, so there was no point arguing about it. What was done was done, and that was all that mattered now. “I told you you’d pull through,” he said eventually, voice quiet in anticipation of the blow he knew was coming, “I told you there’s nothing I wouldn’t do. I never lied to you, Fili. Didn’t this time either.”

He remembered their discussion in the hospital clearly, despite the drugs, because there’d been little else he’d thought about in the past days. The apathy with which Fili had dismissed him then had cut deeper than the branding ever could, especially considering he had used his own words against him. Kili had lived to regret them, he’d have given EVERYTHING to take them back when Fili had been taken from him, and it seemed his brother was experiencing the same horror now he had then, and he was GLAD. At least it was SOMETHING, a reaction that showed he still cared, that they hadn’t completely ruined him. Kili slowly shook his head, a pained smile spreading on his face as he said, “I didn’t do it for you. I mean I did, but.” He stopped, taking a deep breath, and dropped back against the couch, a heavy hand rubbing over his face. “I did it for me. I knew you wouldn’t like it. I had to do it, ‘m sorry. I didn’t do it for you.” He repeated it over and over, not sure anymore who he was trying to convince, growing more desperate by the second. “I didn’t do it for you! I did it for US. You’re the only family I have! You always have been! This?” he gestured heatedly at the brand, looking at Fili out of wild eyes, “This is nothing. You think I care about the pain?? Fuck the pain! It’ll pass. All this shit will pass, and the only thing that’s gonna be left will be us. I’d do it again. I’d do it a thousand times over until there’s no skin left because it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s JUST a brand, Fili. It’s just some stupid mark on your skin that doesn’t mean shit. What matters is the meaning you give it. They wanted you to be afraid but I won’t let them. I won’t! Now Knight’s gone, and it’s just us. Just you an’ me, like always. Fuck the pain. I don’t care. I don’t regret shit, and that won’t change, so save it.”

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Text || Avery & Kili

Avery: I've never known you to give up so easily.

Kili: Yeah well

Kili: People change. I've grown up. I can't force him to deal with me forever if he doesn't want to.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Text || Avery & Kili

Avery: I still don't know what he needs time from.

Avery: Just... think about seeing him, ok?

Avery: He... Just think about it.

Kili: Good. You shouldn't.

[delayed]

Kili: You think I don't?? Seriously?

Kili: You think I'm not constantly catching myself on my way to him?

Kili: I'd just make it worse like I always do but

Kili: Don't think I don't

Kili: He's all I ever think about. But there's nothing I can do if he doesn't wanna see me.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Text || Avery & Kili

Avery: He's still moping.

Avery: He's not saying much, to be honest.

Avery: I try to get him to talk but I doubt I'm doing much good.

Avery: He needs you.

Kili: Can you blame him?

Kili: I know, okay? I know. But he doesn't wanna see me. I went there a few days ago and I only made it worse so

Kili: He just

Kili: Needs time I guess.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Text || Avery & Kili

Avery: I'm assuming you both haven't made up yet?

Kili: Why would you think that?? We're super tight. Nothing wrong here.

Kili: Did he say something?

[filibigbrother]

Visitor // Fili & Kili (1st May)

[filibigbrother]

"You mean be more like you?" Fili grinned as he let Kili take the cast, wincing when he pulled a little too hard. "Careful, they’re there for a reason you know," he chastised gently. He settled down as Kili set to work, quietly amused by just how much concentration and effort Kili was putting into it. He was a little concerned for the results, and occasionally tried to steal half-hearted peeks but Kili had angled himself just so so that Fili couldn’t see anything of what he was drawing. He grunted when Kili practically lay on top of him to reach the other cast and drag it over. "Jesus Kili you’re like some giant dog that doesn’t even realise how big he is," he wheezed unable to keep from laughing. He made no move at all to try and push Kili off, instead nestling a little closer.

When Kili had finished, Fili inspected his handiwork. The wolf and the lion didn’t look much like what they were supposed to… Kili wasn’t the greatest artist at the best of times never mind when he was so wired and jittery. But he knew what they were supposed to be and he knew what they represented. He was the lion and Kili was the wolf… it had always been that way. When he saw the other hand with their initials, he felt touched and he stared at it for a long moment, smiling softly to himself. He looked up, about to comment on it when he noticed Kili messing around with his shirt that was now soaked through with the water. As Kili squirmed and tugged at the material Fili noticed something on Kili’s chest. Something big and ugly and looking eerily familiar. The warm contentment he had started to feel with his brother suddenly turned to ice as he stared at that mark, unable to tear his eyes away from it. “Kili, what is that?” he asked in a very small voice, hand unconsciously going to touch his hip where his own brand was.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

He froze, eyes flickering down his chest to look at the mark he had forgotten about. For a moment he wasn’t sure what to do. Fili had obviously caught it, and judging by the look on his face he realised what it meant, leaving Kili limited options to get out of an argument. He held his shirt in front of his chest belatedly, shifting away from Fili so they were no longer touching, and looked at him with an expression that screamed guilt while he tried his best to play it down. “What? That?” He forced a laugh, stopping very quickly since it sounded strained to his own ears. “Nothing. Just trying somethin’ new. People do it all the time, it’s no big deal.”

He knew convincing Fili that this had been a good idea would be difficult, he’d known it even before he’d done it, but he wasn’t in the state of mind to discuss it. This was something that required his full attention, and as it was, he could barely sit without swaying, mind racing without his permission, and suddenly he remembered why he hadn’t visited sooner. He’d JUST explained to Bofur why it had been necessary, how he didn’t regret it one bit and didn’t care about the pain and disfigurement. This was even harder. This was personal, Fili was the other side of the brand, and Kili had never been good with words- especially not when it mattered. “I know you hate it. But I don’t. Now you’re always here,” he said, pointing at his chest before he gestured at Fili’s hip, “and I’m always there. No point being mad. It’s too late, I did it.” He tried to look unperturbed, but he could feel his fingers shaking without his permission, and the thought of getting into another fight with his brother made him sick. The last week had been a nightmare, he’d hated every second of it, and now that he knew what it felt like not to talk to Fili with all this crap between them, he was terrified of going back, and he knew it showed.

[filibigbrother]

Visitor // Fili & Kili (1st May)

[filibigbrother]

Fili smiled softly when Kili grunted in protest at his shifting and leaned more heavily into him. By now Kili had practically draped himself over Fili, effectively pinning him to the couch. He didn’t mind, he found comfort in the reassuring weight of his brother. It felt grounding… real. He felt like he’d started to lose perspective of what was real again and he needed Kili to remind him.

"I’ll tell Avery you said that when she comes round and has a go at me for the state of the place," he said. His head sank down until he was resting it on Kili’s shoulder, feeling the warmth on his cheek. Now that Kili was here, his thoughts felt quieter, the nightmares felt more distant like he could actually get some rest. As As a result, his eyes were starting to grow heavy and he let them slide closed as he yawned, not bothering to try and cover his mouth. The two of them being needlessly wedged together on a couch that could easily fit the both of them comfortably may have been a little ridiculous, but it reminded him of simpler times when they were younger, when they didn’t have half the worries that they did now and if he could have frozen the moment he would’ve done. His eyes blinked open again when Kili suddenly jolted up asking about a pen. "Stop fidgeting," Fili grumbled even though he knew it was pointless, Kili was still wired from the drugs, it would be a long time before he was ready to settle down. "There should be one on that side table," he said nodding to the one on Kili’s side of the couch. "But don’t draw anything dumb, I don’t want to be walking around with dicks all over my arms for the next few weeks."

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

“Puh-lease, if she wants to clean, let her clean, but she can’t expect you to do it. You gotta let your hair flow. Be a slob. Let it out. It’s about time anyway. You were always too clean ‘n shit. This’ll open your eyes,” he said over his shoulder, searching for the pen with his hand extended as far as it would reach, unwilling to get up from his position. Since he was going more on touch than vision, it took him a moment, and he was pretty sure he heard something drop to the floor in the process, but eventually he found the pen and held it up with a triumphant grunt. “Alright, gimme,” he demanded, turning towards Fili and grabbing one of his arms. “You’re boring, but I didn’t wanna anyway.”

Getting the cap off the pen was a bit of a challenge, and he smeared some of the ink on his hands in the process, but he didn’t let it stop him, and a few seconds later he was drawing shaky lines on the cast, deliberately angling his body so Fili couldn’t see what he was doing. When he was done, he half-draped himself over him to reach his brother’s other arm while shielding the first and scribbled very quickly on it, much faster done with it than the previous one. Once he was satisfied with the result, he leaned back, giving Fili a moment to inspect his creation. “There, NOW you’re ready to do shit.” He nodded at the first hand, admiring what he thought were very well executed heads of a lion and a wolf. In reality, they looked very similar, only minor differences distinguishing them, and it was difficult to make out the general shapes at all, but Kili was proud of it nevertheless. “Bet you thought I can’t draw,” he said with a satisfied smile, pointing at the other hand with an unsteady finger. He traced the rough shapes of the ‘F&K’ inside the mountain for a moment, eyes glued to the cast, before he looked up and faced Fili, suddenly serious. “Now I’m always there. ALWAYS. No one can get you alone now. I’m always here. Not going anywhere.” He leaned back against his brother, picking up the bottle he had dropped before, and finally opened it, miscalculating the strength needed severely. He spilled a good portion of it on his shirt and part of his lap, cursing slightly at the mess as he tugged on his wet shirt. “Brilliant.”

[filibigbrother]

Visitor // Fili & Kili (1st May)

[filibigbrother]

Fili carried the bottled water through into the living room and eased himself down onto the couch next to Kili, doing so a lot more carefully than Kili had done when he’d flung himself down on the upholstery. He had to nudge Kili’s knee aside a little to make space for himself, Kili was all limbs and had a tendency to take up all available space.

"So what’ve you taken do I need to worry about finding a way to get you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped?" he asked somewhat casually as he handed Kili the bottle. He figured it was easier letting Kili open it himself, there was no way he was going to manage it with his hands. He wasn’t overly worried… Kili was coherent enough if a little disjointed. Fili had seen him in worse states before. "I don’t need a maid, just having trouble getting used to these." He gestured to the casts as he sank down in the seat, shifting so the waistband of his sweats wasn’t resting right over his hip. Truth was he probably could do with some help, but the thought of a stranger poking around in his place made him feel uncomfortable. "But you could come be my maid if you really wanted, the costume would look great on you."  It felt nice, joking like this. It felt normal, even if it was only a paper thin facade.

As much as he wanted, Fili couldn’t avoid the reality of the situation. He couldn’t forget what Kili had told him… what he’d done. A  part of him wanted to ask where Kili had been the past few days. But he knew he wouldn’t like the answer. Kili would have been at Bofur’s… just thinking about it hurt so he didn’t ask. Instead he kept quiet, sighing as he let his head fall back against the couch, his arm resting by his side and shoulder wedged right up next to Kili’s. Tonight wasn’t the time for talking… Kili wasn’t in the right frame of mind and Fili was exhausted. He was so tired his eyes stung and his limbs felt heavy and he just wanted to get some sleep, maybe he could manage that with Kili around. Tonight he could pretend the rest of the world wasn’t there. He needed Kili, the past few days had been hard enough but without Kili they’d been downright awful. Tonight he wanted to say screw the rest of the world, the only thing that mattered was in this room. “I hate it too,” he said quietly, having a pretty good idea what Kili was trying to refer to. He rolled his head sideways so that he was looking at Kili. “I’ve missed you.”

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

He grunted when Fili nudged him, hesitantly making space, but he was in no hurry to remove his leg any further than he had to and kept it pressed against his brother’s, quietly revelling in the sensation. It had been way too long since he’d seen him. Sure, they’d gone much longer without so much as talking to each other, but this was different. There was too much tension between them for any amount of silence to be comfortable, and Kili felt it even more keenly now that he was here, bridging the gap between himself and his brother he had created in the first place.

Snorting, he took the bottle, weakly fiddling with the cap since he was in no hurry to actually open it. He just liked to have something to do with his fingers while he felt restless like this, the mixture of drugs and alcohol making him both fidgety and sluggish at once. “Nothin’, don’t worry. Just a bit. It’s cool,” he slurred, lazily slumping against Fili as he tried to make the spinning stop, “I got it.” He protested with displeased grunting when Fili shifted, making a point of leaning very heavily against him to stop him from repeating that. “It totally would!” he said sincerely, an excited grin on his face as he thought about it. “But I dunno about the cleaning. I think you’ll be good until they’re off. Tidiness is overrated anyway.” He nodded, convinced he had said something extremely valuable, and tilted his head at the casts in question with a raised eyebrow. “When are you gonna do something with those anyway? You gotta draw shit on it, everyone knows that! That’s like… the best part!” His eyes lit up instantaneously, and he wildly looked around the room, shifting from his position against Fili. “Gimme a pen.”

His head whipped around, and for a moment the hazy fog was lifted and he remembered all the shit that had gone down between them, and he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to think about it, he knew they’d have to talk about it at some point, they couldn’t just leave it like that forever, eventually something was gonna snap, but it had been days since Kili had seen him, and he didn’t want to leave so soon. Or ever. “I’m always here,” he joked, glad that he’d become so very used to faking smiles not even he realised he was doing it most times anymore, “And if you give me a pen, I’ll be there too.” He gestured towards the casts, expectantly looking at Fili.

[filibigbrother]

Visitor // Fili & Kili (1st May)

[filibigbrother]

The familiar way Kili stumbled through the door, literally landing on his face harked back to many other times in the past when he’d done the exact same thing. Fili felt relief that it was his brother, his shaking grip on the shard of glass easing slightly as he exhaled heavily. The familiarity of the scenario gave him some kind of comfort and for a second he could pretend that everything was normal. “Jesus, Kili,” he sighed, tossing the glass over his shoulder onto the kitchen floor where it cracked into smaller shards. He sank slowly down to his knees beside Kili. “Yeah I haven’t been up to cleaning lately, careful there’s broken glass.” he said with dark humour as he reached out with his left hand to run the tips of his fingers through Kili’s messy hair, brushing the curls back out of his eyes. It was Fili’s job to take care of Kili… not the other way around. That was why in the past Fili had never pushed to hard about Kili’s drug habits, even though he was aware of them and extremely against them, he didn’t want Kili to feel like he couldn’t come here anymore. As long as Kili came here then Fili could take care of him and he knew that Kili was safe. His heart wrenched at the thought… he’d been trying not to think of it, but he’d missed Kili horribly the past few days. He’d focused on the anger, letting that take over so he didn’t have to think about anything else but it never quite took away the emptiness he felt without his brother. He needed Kili, no matter what Kili had done. “Go lie on the couch, I’ll get you some water,” Fili said, then he started slowly and painfully lifting himself up. Everything still hurt and he gripped his side tightly as he braced himself against the wall, grunting. Then he carefully picked his way back through into the kitchen to fetch some water, opting for bottled rather than risking another glass.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

Kili snorted and almost choked on his laughter, not even certain if there was anything funny about any of this, but he could feel the hands in his hair, and he readily leaned into the touch, purring loudly at the attention. He protested slightly when the feeling left, but a part of him was trained to follow orders even when high, so he rolled on his stomach again and lifted himself up, jumping to his feet with slight wobbling. “Aye aye sir,” he slurred, staggering towards the couch and carelessly dropping into it, spreading out as much as he could while he waited.

“Y’know, you’ve been here like what? A day?” he snorted, twisting his neck to look around with a frown, “You need help. Like a maid or somethin’. Somethin’ nice. Pretty. I could be a maid. I don’t like cleaning.” He stopped, forehead crinkling as he seemingly thought hard about something, and eventually he shrugged, carrying on like nothing had happened, “I don’t like this.” He didn’t say what ‘this’ was, but he felt it was important Fili knew he didn’t like it, it was ESSENTIAL, really, that he knew, but Kili wasn’t really sure what it was. It felt wrong somehow, as if someone had shifted the furniture a few inches to the left and he just couldn’t tell what it was that felt off while he kept crashing into things. “I don’t like it at all.”

[filibigbrother]

Visitor // Fili & Kili

Fili cursed when he fumbled a glass, flinching back when he dropped it on the counter and it rolled off the side onto the floor where it shattered. It had to have been the third glass that day. He kept dropping them either through how highly impractical the casts were, or because a noise from outside had him jumping out of his own skin. He hated how jittery he felt, literally anything was making him jump, noises from outside, shadows in the corner of his eye, one time there was an air bubble trapped in the pipe and he damn near had a heart attack. It’d taken him about an hour curled up on the kitchen floor focused on nothing but his breathing to talk himself out of that panic attack.

He was alone, had been since Ennis had dropped him off at his apartment and Fili had talked him out of staying with him. Ennis hadn’t seemed convinced, but at the same time he had a job to do and that didn’t involve babysitting an heir who wasn’t even really an heir anymore. At first Fili had been grateful for the privacy. He’d been overwhelmed by people the past few days. There had been too much touching, too many concerned looks and curious glances, too many earth shattering revelations. The thought of solitude still frightened him, but at the same time he felt like he needed it, he needed a hole he could hide in to lick his wounds and just let everything sink in.

But then the nightmares had started. The first time Fili woke from one he’d been screaming, drenched in sweat and his body aching where he’d been thrashing about. He hadn’t dared go back to sleep, he’d tucked himself in the furthest corner, head buried in his casts as his body heaved with dry sobs. After that Fili hadn’t slept in his bed, he’d moved to the couch where he could only nap for a few minutes at a time, never falling into a deep enough sleep for the nightmares to come.

Fili was on his knees trying ineffectively to clean up the glass when he heard a sound at his front door. His head shot up, glaring at the front door when something banged in the hallway. It could have been his neighbours coming home drunk, but it didn’t seem likely. Then something banged right on his door and his heart leapt in response. He cupped a shard of the broken glass in his hands, struggling to get a good grip with the casts as he stumbled to his feet. Whoever was on the other side tried the handle before he heard the sound of metal scraping against metal before eventually, a key was pushed into the lock. Fili shuffled closer towards the closed door, glass held out in front of him even though he knew that it wasn’t going to do anything. One well placed blow and it would go flying from his useless hands. The knowledge of this only made him more frightened. He had no idea who was on the other side… logically, it would have been Kili, he was the only one with a key, but Fili couldn’t shake the memory of Erik from his mind. They’d seen his wallet, they knew where he lived.

[bigbrotherisjudgingyou]

He didn’t even know why he had done it. The wound had been hurting, Bofur had been out, and he’d been bored, his fingers had just automatically dialled Tin’s number, and next thing he’d known, he’d been sitting in a shitty club snorting coke while some girl tried to lick his face. It always seemed more glamorous in the moment than it did later once he’d sobered up a bit, but eventually he’d said his goodbyes and left, feet automatically carrying him towards Fili’s apartment. He didn’t know why he’d gone there, his brother didn’t want to see him, but he felt the hole in his heart where he should have been keenly now after days of keeping his distance, and he fiddled with his keys with determination when he leaned his head against the door, trying to make the stupid thing fit.

His hands were shaking, and they were kinda sticky from the alcohol and sweat, but eventually he managed to force the door open, still leaning against it, and stumbled inside, falling face-first onto the floor. He groaned, forcing himself to turn onto his back at least because the impact had irritated his wound more than he was able to feel through the drugged haze he was in, and even though his foggy mind wasn’t able to tell why, he knew it was important to take care of it.

He groaned for a few more seconds, not moving from his position from the floor until the draft annoyed him and he kicked the door, releasing a pleased huff when he heard it shut loudly. “Deserved it,” he mumbled, tiredly rubbing his face, and once his hand had fallen back to his side, he turned to look at his surroundings, not quite certain where he was anymore. He grunted when he spotted Fili on the floor, nodding in greeting before he closed his eyes, trying to force down the nausea building from the disorientation. “Fancy seeing you here.” He snorted, amused at his own joke, and mumbled distractedly, “Your floor’s kinda gross.”