Coming Home || Kili & Bofur [May 2nd]
“Good old uncle Thorin. Always giving a shit when you don’t want him to,” Kili growled, angrily plucking at the strings in his hands. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about the things his uncle had undoubtedly threatened to do, because Kili KNEW he would follow up on them. Thorin didn’t make idle threats, he was aware of that, and considering that Bofur was now the object of those promises made him angrier than he was willing to admit. “He doesn’t like anyone. The only person he’s ever liked is mum, and she doesn’t deserve it. Maybe that’s why he is the way he is. Fuck if I know.” It was ironic, in a way, to finally admit it out loud, because ever since Kili could remember, he had done nothing but try to impress his uncle. He’d tried so hard to be exactly like him that now - now that he’d finally done it, he’d finally succeeded - now he realised what that meant, and once his eyes had been opened, it was impossible to shut them.
He felt himself grow up, he’d been feeling it for a while now. Fili had been right; they HAD changed, both of them, and Kili wondered just how much of HIM was still left now. How much he had ever been HIMSELF in the first place, always living in the crushing confinement of his family, the looming shadow of his uncle he’d been trying to hide in, his brother’s constant protection. He was alone now, he could feel it, and yes, it had changed him. A lot. He was no longer a child, and that thing he had with Bofur… That was something a child had stumbled into, blind and clueless about the consequences, but the adult that was sitting here now had to make a decision, one way or another.
He swallowed, ignoring Bofur’s touches, and slowly put down the violin beside him, looking blankly ahead as he tried to drown out the words. They would only make it harder, coming to a decision, and he knew he was running out of time. Every day he spent pushing it off, only prolonged the inevitable, and eventually the choice would be taken from him. “I hate this place,” he said quietly, still not looking at Bofur. “I hate it. It’s cold and empty and I hate it! The fireplace doesn’t even work, why do you have it??” His voice was getting louder, and he was practically shouting by the time he jumped up and gestured around the room. “I hate it! It’s so fucking empty and you’re never here! I spend all day here on my own, and I don’t like it! Fili isn’t talking to me, my mum’s fuck knows where and I’m sitting in a shitty apartment trying to convince myself I know better than everyone else.” He broke off, breathing heavily as his eyes grazed just past Bofur, never quite looking at him, and he mustered up the courage to say almost quietly now compared to the shouting, “Tell me what to do. Tell me, because I really don’t know.”
There was an aura of sadness weighing Kili down and Bofur recognised the frustration and confusion that he had had a long time ago. Kili had a choice to make. Something he had to decide for himself. He could see how lost Kili felt, as if everything in his life had been taken away and shaped into something he didn't recognised. Bofur wondered, not for the first time, if maybe he was doing the wrong thing by not letting Kili go. If he was the same stubborn, stupid, impulsive kid he had always been. "Don't worry," he said in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I've been through worse." He kept his hand in Kili's hair and massaged the back of his head gently.
He laughed out loud at the sudden change of topic. He got up from the couch and grabbed Kili's frantically waving hands. "Kili, relax. This apartment isn't even mine. I mean, not really." He squeezed the hands gently. "I needed to get away from Erebor and your uncle sent me here. It was like this when I got it." He heard the despair in Kili's voice, despite the shouting, and let go of Kili's hands in favour of clasping his face and kissing him hard on the mouth, as if just to calm him down. "I'm sorry I'm gone," he whispered. "I'll be around more, I promise. We'll fix the apartment. I'll fix it." He leaned his forehead against Kili's and breathed heavily. "I don't know how to do this. I've forgotten what it feels like to have people depend on me. But I'm trying, I really am."
Kili's last plea tugged at Bofur's heart and he shook his head slightly. "I can't," he said quietly and took Kili's hands in his once again to keep him from leaving. "You have to decide this for yourself. But I promise you that I will support and accept whatever your decision you make." It pained him to say it, but he knew that he was making the right decision for once.
