[“As I kept asking people this question, “How do you want me to touch you?” I was struck again and again by how strong our tendency is to go along with what we think we are supposed to want or like. Why on earth would we do that when it’s our turn to have what we want?
One reason is that asking for what we want and receiving it are inherently vulnerable. It’s just not that easy. Another reason is that we are confused about who it’s really for. We act as if it’s really for the benefit of the other person, the one who is “giving.” They ask what we want, and we answer by saying what we don’t mind too much. Then we go along with what we don’t want and try to change ourselves. I have some ideas about why that is the case, which we’ll explore in this book.
Another reason is that sometimes we don’t know what it feels like to have something really be for us. It turned out that the key was finding exactly what we want.
In one session in my studio, as per his request, I was stroking Ken’s hand.
Ken: Well, I know you said it’s for me, but I’m not sure what that means. I guess I’m just used to whatever happens.
Me: Hmmm…yeah, so for right now, we’re going to stop this, and you get to notice what it is that actually sounds good to you.
Ken: I have no idea. Would you do some different things and let me say if I like them?
Me: Sure! (pressing into his palms) How’s this?
Me: Would you like more of it or something else?
Ken: Something else, please.
Me: (squeezing his fingers) How about this?
Me: I’m curious here, Ken. If I just kept going, what would you do?
Ken: Nothing. It’s all okay with me.
Me: So let’s find something that is not okay but is fabulous. (We try a few more things.)
Ken: Oohhh, yeah! That is really good. (We do that a while, and he visibly sinks into it.)
Me: Okay, now, is this for me, or is this for you?
Ken: Oohhhh. I get it. This is for me, isn’t it?
He looked like he was holding back tears, and we sat quietly.
Yes, it can be hard to notice what we want and to ask for it. If these are not bad enough, there is what happens when we do finally, miraculously, receive the touch we want. We feel comfort and pleasure, and then that brings up more feelings of guilt, shame, and doubt. Sometimes the feelings are a little tug at our heart, and sometimes they are powerful. One person said, “There’s something deep and primitive going on inside me, enjoying his touch, maybe needing— fear of needing? It’s like an old warrior not wanting to admit they have needs, even deep needs like touch.”]
Betty Martin, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent
