I am Me
To know who I am and what makes me is something that crosses my mind ever so often, maybe even an unhealthy number of times.
The real definition of who I am deep down screamsĀ Introvert.
This sometimes comes as a surprise to many, especially those who only know me at surface level. I very much enjoy the comfort of my own company. Iāve got many ideas rumbling through my brain, I devour books like a kid devours cake, I am curious and want to know it all, I am the netflix and chill kind.
But my day to day job does not allow me to be my true introverted self. Everyday I talk to an average of 10 people on phone (well not sure what the benchmark for ānormalā is here... but 10 is ALOT for me), I am required to make appearances in the social scenes... Heck I even camouflage into them extroverts after a few shots of them stimulus drinks... I have to keep conversations flowing to avoid the awkward silence moments... The worst would be to meet up with another introvert like me who cannot keep a conversation going and I have to step in š¦š¦š.
The internal conflict of I being an introvert but having to live an extroverted life is the reason why it crosses my mind ever so often. I am an introvert in anĀ āentertainingā environment. I constantly struggle with accepting myself for who I am. I criticize myself for not too being too loud and talkative, for having no interest in being theĀ ālife of the partyā, the āattention seekerā. I get the feeling of being inadequate for wanting to be my real self but at the same time be the extroverted person that the world sometimes demands.
A real struggle for introverts in a world that sometimes requires us to be extroverted is self criticism. I ever so often would go through the conversations that I had after a social meeting with a client, to check whether I over shared. I question whether I opened up more than I ought to.Ā
The year 2020 however brought a lot to focus. That awkward year when human beings valued Tissue rolls more than sliced bread... when we were all forcefully indoors with no physical social lives. I got to self reflect because 2020 allowed me to be by my true self. All the crappy feels I got after āoversharingā was undue pressure on myself. I was demanding to be someone that did not fit who I amĀ or impossible to live up to because I felt like Iām not enough, I come across as a snob - Iām not nicer, Iām not social enough, Iām not chattier. Because I expect those things from myself and the world expects me to be all that.
I realized that it is okay to Be Me. That...
I donāt have to change who I am to love myself.Ā
I do not have to loudly and voraciously be the lime light seeker, I can be seen in my silence
I do not have to be the coolest on the block in crazy fits and style, I can be cool in my lowkey Jeans and boots (shoe collection = 99.2% boots š )
I do not have to be at war with myself because I allowed my inner, hidden āextrovertnessā to creep out...
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I am Me, I am Enough!!
Ā ā... Being true to yourself is the Key. Knowing your roots and where you come from is also Key..āĀ - Cicely Tyson
Sadly we lost a real queen in Jan 2021. But I feel like she was speaking to me in this clip...Ā
