BiPositive Episode 1 - The Common Myths
Mari: Hello and welcome to BiPositive, a podcast by bisexuals, for bisexuals, and about bisexuals. My name is Mari and I am a therapist-in-training, and also a bisexual woman.
MD: And I am MD, and I'm also a psychologist in training, and also bisexual, and a woman.
Mari: And today we will be talking about some of the most common myths about bisexuality. There's a wonderful article in the HuffPost. But first, we will turn to the dictionary to actually define bisexuality. So... bisexual refers to noting or relating to a person who is romantically or sexually attracted to both men and women or to people of various gender identities. And we're definitely going to be talking more about that: whether it's just men and women, or if there are any other genders or non-gender-conforming people that bisexuals can or are attracted to but that's for a later conversation.
MD: And BiPositive is also Bi+, to be inclusive of all people attracted to more than one gender. All labels and identities.
Mari: And to start off, we just have a lovely article by the HuffPost, which is 8 Common Myths About Bisexuality, and the author already did some journalism work debunking those myths, but we just wanted to discuss them because... you know, reading these things is very surprising to someone who is that identity, and you're like, "how can people even think that way?" But then you go out into the real world and you realize that people do actually think this way and it's something that needs to be addressed and I feel like we're qualified to do so? So... Myth number one: "bisexuals are just gays with one foot in the closet." What do you think about that?
MD: If you take the theories of identity development, of gay identity development, it's not untrue because it happens that when are on your journey of realizing that you're gay, you might identify as bisexual first because it's a step, but it's not just that. It's also a full identity. And if people are just on their journey of discovering that they're gay, others are just fully bisexual.
Mari: Yeah, I feel like one of the perils of bisexuality is that you're sometimes seen as, like, gay light. If you know what I mean? So it's like, we're not as threatening, in a way. But also not fully complete. And... you know, spoiler alert: bisexuals are complete people [laughs].
MD: It's also less frightening for parents when kids come out as bisexual first, because, you know, there's still this idea that they might end up with a partner that would be... another gender, opposite gender; a traditional, heteronormative couple. But, the thing is... when you're bisexual, I don't even know if you can really be in a heteronormative relationship.
Mari: I... That is another discussion that we had previously. It's that if you're a queer person or a bisexual person in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender, is that relationship straight? Is it heterosexual? That's a discussion, again, for a totally different time. But just food for thought before we move on to number two, which is, "bisexual women – us – are straight girls having a fun dalliance or two before running off with a penis-swinging man." First of all, if you're a man and you swing your penis, then you should probably talk to someone about that [laughs]. And second of all...
MD: Those are not bisexual women, but... heteroflexible, questioning, curious, but no... that's not how it works.
Mari: And there's also been studies about the fact that women are much more flexible in their sexuality, so it's kind of natural to want to experiment a little bit to see where you stand, especially when you're, like, in college and you're super drunk and you wanna make out with your best friend... But that does not necessarily mean that you're gay or bisexual or anything else. It just means that you're developing as a human being.
MD: And also sexual attraction is not all that is, there's also romantic attraction and the possibility of seeing yourself in a relationship with someone of the same gender, which is different than just experimenting sexually.
Mari: And I think it also comes down to just... you know, it's about the term that you pick for yourself. you know? If you are comfortable with calling yourself bisexual, and you're comfortable with the label, then that is what you are. There is no reason for you to want to conform to what people tell you [that] you are just because you made out with someone in college, you know?
MD: And that's the thing, it's that it's very clear when we experience it because it resonates with you. You know your label is right for you. But if you never had this experience, it's very hard to understand and to share. That's also maybe why there are so many myths about it.
Mari: Yeah, that is very true. Okay, number three is "bisexuals are more likely to cheat." I love that one.
Mari: [laughs] No... It just... You know, just because we have more options does not mean we're going to try to sample them. Like, when you go to a Starbucks, you don't just ask for every single flavor in your coffee because that is a mess. No, you try one, and then you try the other and that's how it works. That is not to say that polyamory doesn't exist in the bisexual community. Of course, it does. But that's not cheating, number one. And number two...
MD: I mean, it's a choice and a question of the person. And some people are really more comfortable with being in polyamorous relationships and others aren't and all of this is perfectly valid, it just depends on what works for you. A lot of actually straight people or gay people are in polyamorous relationships, which is not cheating.
MD: And I have this study, which is pretty interesting. They found out that bisexual women were the most likely to cheat were the ones who had a less integrated bisexual identity, their identity that is bisexual is more fragile. There's a correlation having more internalized stigma, homophobia, biphobia, and cheating more. So, actually, by spreading those myths about bisexual people, the stigma, you're contributing to making people more likely to cheat. When people are more at ease with their identity and who they are, they won't cheat. They're solid in their identity and they know what they want. They have no reason to cheat more than anyone else.
Mari: Okay, just to be clear, this is a correlation, but not a causal relationship?
Mari: Just making sure so people don't...
Mari: Exactly. Okay, number four. I love this one too. It's "you're not bi..." This is referring to women. "You're not bi unless you go down on girls." What do you have to say to that? [laughs]
MD: Like, all the time? [laughs]
MD: Because you have to stop at one point to... eat something else.
Mari: I just kind of feel that... [laughs] Ew. [laughs] I just kind of feel that... first of all, nobody is immune to the charms of oral sex. Okay? I feel like if you're any sexuality besides, you know, asexual... then you are likely to experience and to maybe even enjoy oral sex. And it is not exclusive to being in a same-sex... coupling. So this is just very, very strange to me. It's like if you're a bisexual woman, giving blowjobs is not something you do? Which is totally not true, I can tell you that. [laughs]
MD: I think it's probably more about... are you really attracted to girls? It's a whole thing about... for women, it's about... if you let a girl do some stuff to you, you don't necessarily need to not be straight for that. Because, you know, if someone does something to you and you enjoy it, you just close your eyes and you imagine whoever that might be.
Mari: So you're saying that you have to be actively... initiating it? Okay.
MD: I think that's probably what they mean? I don't know.
Mari: Yeah, that's just... It's a very strange one because I feel like... first of all, sex is about consent, so if you are participating in it even on the receiving end, that automatically means that you signed up for this, which means that you had agency in saying yes. You know?
MD: And you're at least a little bit turned on by the person that you're having sex with.
Mari: Yeah, exactly. Otherwise, it's just awkward for everyone. Okay, number five, "bisexuals are greedy." We are. We are very greedy people.
MD: Yeah... I don't even know what...
Mari: I think it just means that...
MD: Because we can choose...
Mari: Exactly! It's not like we're greedy, we just have more options. Like I said, you know, you walk into a store; you're not gonna buy all the candy, you're gonna choose some of it.
MD: It's like this cheating thing... It's based on the idea that when you're bi, you have to both have sex with a man and a woman, to keep it simple, but other genders also. But you can't just have one partner. You have to have several to have all your urges satisfied. But that's not how it works. And you can be with just one partner and be very happy, so...
Mari: Yeah, I think that speaks to the health of your relationship and also to how well you and your partner work together. If there are some things that are left unsatisfied, you can either address those or ask for an open relationship and look for them elsewhere. But that does not necessarily mean that you're greedy. It's just that they're your needs.
MD: I had this conversation with a friend... and it was a very long conversation because she couldn't wrap her head around the idea that it was not about having different partners at the same and she just couldn't get it. But I think it's also very symptomatic of how when you're cis and straight, you don't have to question your sexuality or your gender ever. Unless someone makes you do it. You just don't think about it and you don't get it at all unless someone helps you to understand.
Mari: Okay, so... Number six is... This one is kind of awful and very stigmatizing. "Bisexuals are more likely to carry diseases." If by "diseases" you mean mental illness, then yes. Yes, we are. Science proves it. [laughs].
MD: Yeah, like all the LGBTQ community has a higher prevalence of mental disorders but it's also been proven that it's associated with social stigma and even some kind of causation link... that it's because of social stigma and homophobia and biphobia that LGBTQ people have a higher prevalence of mental health issues. So...
Mary: So, basically, to reiterate, it's... Being gay or being bi does not mean that it's gonna make you "crazy." What makes you "crazy" is the fact that people are hating on you for being gay and being bi. In simpler terms.
MD: And even with microaggressions or things that are not absolutely obvious.
Mari: Yes, for example, like, you know, a trans person having to go to a bathroom that is of their gender assigned at birth, when in reality that is not what they want to be using.
MD: Or just being in the situation where you feel that there's something going on with you that's different from other people. You don't know what's going on and you have no example, no role model, nothing to explain it to you, nothing to make sense of what's happening to you.
Mari: And when you're a child reading fairytales, if you're a girl, you're probably gonna think that you have to marry a prince. And the idea of marrying a princess is going to be very difficult to internalize later on. [laughs].
MD: I'm very okay with marrying a princess now. [laughs]
Mari: [laughs] But going back to... No, bisexuals don't carry more diseases. We support sexual health. Please do get tested regularly and see your local andrologist and gynecologist and whatever GP that you go to. Please do that.
MD: And protect yourself.
Mari: Yes, do protect yourself because even if it's, like, girl-on-girl action, there are still some diseases that can be spread that way, so... Just take care of yourself, okay? And... okay, number seven, the penultimate one is, "bisexuals are looking for sex, while lesbians are looking for love." This just made me cringe.
MD: It's always the same thing! Like, greedy or... you have to have sex with so many people at the same time. But, like... Fun fact is that this was actually what I believed about bisexuals when I was younger.
MD: When I was trying to figure myself out and I didn't make sense of myself because I knew I was into men... I was realizing that I was attracted to women and actually in love with one at that moment. It didn't make any sense for me, because for me, being bisexual was being into sex and loving sex with whoever was available. And it took me years to realize.
Mari: And I also think that it's a little stigmatizing towards lesbians because, you know... Lesbians are whole people too, and you know, when you're a minority of any kind, there's always this thing, where your identity comes down to that one thing. So if you're a lesbian, you're just a lesbian. If you're Black, you're just Black. You can't be anything else. You know? So I just kind of feel like... when you're saying that lesbians are just looking for love, you're excluding a whole range of people who, you know what? Like having fun, like hooking up... and that is perfectly normal for any human being of any sexuality.
MD: And you can actually look for both.
Mari: Exactly! BEcause sometimes, you know, sometimes... spoiler alert, kids: sex and love actually go hand-in-hand with each other.
MD: And you can also be looking for someone to have a relationship [with] but if you don't find anyone, just have fun in the meantime.
Mari: Yeah. What do you think about bisexual men, then? Because there's already a whole thing about, you know, gay men being super-promiscuous and everything. Do you think that would make bisexual men even more promiscuous if we follow that myth?
MD: Oh yeah. Probably, yeah.
MD: But I'm not a bisexual man, so...
Mari: We're gonna have to get someone to talk to us about that. Alright, and number eight is... the final one... and the big one. "Bisexuality does not exist."
Mari: [laughs] We do not exist, you are hearing spirits' voices from the beyond.
Mari: The thing is... Bisexuality as a term may have been developed later than, you know, people realized that it happened, like, it was happening, they just didn't know how to name it. but it's not a trend, it's not something that just appeared out of nowhere. There are so many instances in history of someone being bisexual, it's just the fact that... a lot of the times, history likes to... Is straightwashing a term? I'm just gonna say straightwashing.
Mari: Straightwash. Not just whitewash, but straightwash history.
MD: Yeah, it's about straightwashing. And it's also about, you know... Today we know there are more mental health issues in the LGBTQ community, and also research that proves that bisexuals have more difficulties with their identity than other... than gay or lesbians. If it were... I mean, if we had a choice, we wouldn't choose that. [laughs]
Mari: Exactly. Which is why sexuality is not a choice. You know, being transgender is not a choice. We don't actively choose to be miserable. There are many other things in life that make us miserable. And sexuality is actually one of the joys in life. Or it can be one of the joys in life.
Mari: It should be. If you learn to love yourself and if you learn to shut down the haters.
MD: Yeah, no... Bisexuals are real and... Yeah.
Mari: They're here talking to you.
MD: And not to take over the world.
Mari: That would be kind of really great. If we could do, like... A bisexual Marxist revolution. Down with capitalism and heteronormativity and up with... free love.
Mari: [laughs] Alright, you kids go home and do your homework and... we will see you... I mean, you will hear us again next week. In the meantime, please subscribe to our Twitter, which is @bi_positive, and also subscribe to us on SoundCloud and iTunes. Take care!
