her hands keep turning into birds @birdsofhands - Tumblr Blog

01/24/2026

things i'm grateful for

exams are finally over which means i can rest

i am alive = there are more sunsets to witness

i believe that great things are coming my way

i just drank chamomile tea and it wasn't so bad, in fact it tasted great

i have a room

#gratitude;

Saturday

December 7 2024

siblings are so tragic

08/04/2024

it gets better. sure does. but it gets worse too.

03/16/2024

it's a sunday morning. i know that there's a really huge gap from my last entry and for that i hope it's okay. i hope you understand.

today, at around 12pm, i am sitting at my desktop computer writing about what seemed like an epiphany: i am alive in a perfect day, as if it's already a memory. no. the day was so beautiful and perfect that i knew i would wish to go back to it many years after. i'm quite ashamed to write right now but i figured i had to. [i was reading murakami and his writing was so beautiful it puts me to shame, he's a weirdo, too]

i was rereading one of my favorite books: kafka on the shore. i am on page 308. i'm sitting on this monoblock chair under the now, still small, but provides ample shade tree, a round table beside me with my perfectly made iced coffee. a pen and some tabs to annotate my book. it was a perfect slow morning. there's a faint sound of a lyre being played from the neighbors, the air through which it travels in is laced with the sweet smell of sugar being melted, a reminder that my mother is at the kitchen, making leche flans, her favorite dessert to make. and suddenly i had this strange thought [ it's not really strange to me now since ever since i was a kid, i've always become stupidly miserable over the subject of time and how it passes so quickly and how we're all victims of it no matter who and where we are. no body escapes the claws of time. perhaps the book i was reading also influenced and heightened this feeling. anyways. im straying away again. what i wanted to say is that, at one instant, like flashing lights blinded me, i thought about this moment, this wonderful fleeting and impactful moment of my life, and an image occurred to me: it was me, old and aging, wise through time and hardships, hopefully happy and content and lived a full life in spite of myself, remembering this moment. and how much i would want to go back to this certain place. this certain time, which in that moment doesn't exist anymore.

and so, i used this as leverage, as a gift to my future self, the old wrinkled me. i went back in time. i pictured myself going back in time, i am an old woman, this moment has gone and faded in the core memories of my life but it's there glowing like daylight of the dawn of my life. and i look at the yellow glazed surroundings. i remember thinking, and here is our old house, this small tree, this round table, this steel matting gate of the neighbors, this kubo, and my mother is still alive. she's cooking in the kitchen, the sweet smell of sugar melting engulfs the air. it's a simple sunday morning, sounds of digs and birds and chickens all around. and beyond that the faint rustle of the leaves swaying with a sound of a lyre playing. under the kubo is loki, gray eyed grumpy lovely fat cat that i adored so much. AND I'M HERE AGAIN. i am back. i made myself go back in time. i let my self experience it again. i went inside the house and helped my mother a little. inside the house was our house. in 2024. the sweet smell heightened as i go back. i stepped inside the newly cleaned white tiled floors and remembered i was still wearing my crocs. i took a step back. my sister was standing at the steps looking at me as if judging my stupid ministrations, as if trying to figure out what im on about again. she's fixing her face. her boyfriend will come. i walked inside with my feet kissing the smooth cold tiles. my grandmother was there too. it's been a while. the kitchen was a mess. it reminds me of when i was much younger and there's something to celebrate. the air was warm. i am at peace. i am back at the house. i am 23 again. life is well.

as i was writing this on my desktop i was searching for a song to accompany me because somehow i couldn't get myself to write. it has been my greatest issue as of late. i wanted to write. i wanted to document every little thing that has happened in the pas few weeks and months. i wanted to tell you that i saw a video of a white blood cell nirpicking the cells to protect the body and how that simple video changed something inside me. it made me kinder to myself. i wish i could srite about it. i want to write about itm about everything. but whenever i try, it doesn't come out the way i wanted it to. but i guess that's just how writing is supposed to bem not everything can and should be translated into words. BUT HOW ELSE AM I TO KEEP THIS? i wanted to preserve this memory. this time frame. i want to keep a remnant of myself during this era. i want to meet me again once im older.bi know i will never be like this again. i want to preserve this. me. this moment. this time of my life. of confusion and answers and calm and storm and slowly learning. i am pretty too. i think i am in my most beautiful era. lol. my hair is long, i have a bangs, my hair has a good volume, it's wavy at the ends.

okay i strayed so far from what i was gonna say but here it is. i found this video on youtube. i think it's a gem. it's perfect for the mood i was in, look at the sunlight. that was what this day felt like. i love this life in spite of everything that has happened. i love this life.

#Youtube

#niqpicz

A funny realization: i think all i can ever find the will to write about is all my negative experiences.

White knuckling the sink as i cling to this passage through gritted teeth and popped up veins as i go about my day.

That i think i could stand anything!!! Anything!!! Only to be able to say I EXIST!!!!!!! IN THOUSANDS OF AGONIES I EXIST!!! ISN'T IT FUN? ISN'T IT IRRATIONAL? AND ISN'T IT ALL SO BEAUTIFUL??? i'm tormented on the rack but i exist! I see the sun. And if i don't see the sun i know it exists and there's a whole life in that!! IN KNOWING THAT THE SUN IS THERE!!!! Because i'm alive. Because the sun is there. Because i exist.

dostoevsky really saved my life on this one.

The comfort of a relapse.

01/20/2024

I'm slowly descending back to my old familiar state of calm destruction. I listen to mitski. Words fail me. All i know is i'm sitting on a passenger's seat of the tricycle, the wind is blowing my hair, im listening to i bet on losing dogs smiling to myself like some crazy person because i do bet on losing dogs because the losing dog is me. Because i'm standing on the cliff and im watching a body fall and i was the one who pushed it and i am the body falling down the cliff and i am the one watching it descend. It does feel comforting. I remember thinking, i'm me again, it feels like a long time, and it does. But i know it will be over too, because im stronger now am i? But what matters more is the moment, what i feel right now, and right now it's not very good and i feel i really need this right now.

no matter how good life gets i still come back to mitski's old songs like a dog

i miss you. i don't want to talk to you again. i don't want to know what it felt like to be held by you anymore.

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her hands keep turning into birds