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[amorluna-deactivated20190821]

i want his dick n his heart

[weloveshortvideos]

[cool3d-world-blog]

[biryani-ki-olaad]

What the fuck

[weavemama]

THE UGLY TRUTH

[thecheesyllama]

So whenever my hearing aids run out of battery, a deep-ass man’s voice goes off right next to my ear drum yelling “B A T T E R Y”, and, every time, without fail, giving me a minor heart attack.

And since my hearing aids aren’t synched for when I replace the battery, the left hearing aid will go off one afternoon, and I’ll know that the right one will go off the following night.

Yesterday afternoon, I replaced my left hearing aid battery.

Now it is tomorrow night. Now I sit, and I wait, for that monotone-ass motherfucker in my head to yell “BATTERY” in my ear, again leading to my gradual heart failure. It is only so long before my heart cannot take this repeated occurrence of panic.

I sit.

I wait.

He is coming.

[shittyidea]

Poking holes in dad’s condoms so someone else can do the dishes

[adulthoodisokay]

I am here for Ted Cruz’s college roommate constantly dragging him on Twitter.

[fuckyeahtx]

Dead.

[biryani-ki-olaad]

The Signs as Michael Scott quotes

Aries: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Taurus: I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.

Gemini: I'm an early bird and a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Cancer: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Leo: I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.

Virgo: You have no idea how high I can fly.

Libra: I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower.

Scorpio: Bros before hos.

Sagittarius: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going.

Capricorn: Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice.. Strike three.

Aquarius: That's what she said.

Pisces: It's never too early for ice cream.

[memewhore]

[shittyidea]

Wink at every cute person you see as you roam the halls with a boner

[griffys]

What's wrong with grandpa??

he lied in bed for thirty years or whatever the fuck. while his daughter struggled to put food on the table. but then!!!! ohhh then! charlie gets a golden ticket and all the sudden that jackalope is hopping around the shack like he’s fuckin simone biles. i hate him i hate that free loader i hope he busts a hip and falls into the chocolate river

[pomeranian2]

[pvcjacket1-deactivated20150430]

its 3:46 am and i just screamed!!!!!!!!

[shardwick]

[biancha-j]

he said this is how girls want their boyfriends to act to other girls lmfao :(

[mashallahsis-blog]

My fav

[communistcoppola-deactivated201]

[itisntyourbusiness]

[mysteryho1238138798223789-deact]