1. Soap was created in 3600 B.C., when one Frau Eidelbaum Stinkington was so astonished by the odor of his own armpits that he set about commissioning the local witch doctor for a cure.
2. This witch doctor combined pig fat, vegetable oils, salts, and wood ash into a tincture that Stinkington was to "soak" his "pits" with. The tincture was colloquially called "soak pits," which was shortened to "soapits," which was again finally shortened to "soaps."
3. A "soap opera" is thusly named because of a televised opera that premiered in 1930. The opera was performed entirely in spoken wingdings, and featured a relationship between a housewife and her husband (who was a bar of soap).
4. This opera, titled All Washed Up, was the first television program to be broadcast in a serial manner. The success of this program inspired a flood of similarly melodramtic, serialized, but non-musical shows. These shows were called "soap operas" as a nod to All Washed Up.
5. The automatic soap dispenser was invented in 1989, when the world was afflicted by an international shortage of soap. People avoided washing their hands after using the bathroom because, "I swear I didn't get any pee on them," but truthfully people were afraid of running out of soap before they had a real emergency, like shit palm. The invention was first marketed as a way to ration liquid soap.
6. As the automatic soap dispenser gained traction, the patent was bought by Capitalism Incorporated for $4,000. Now all automatic soap dispensers charge anywhere from 5 cents to 5 dollars per squirt.
7. Before corporal punishment was banned in schools, teachers would often punish misbehaving students by washing their mouths out with soap. In 1977, corporal punishment was outlawed because children had been enjoying the taste of soap far more than was deemed proper.
8. Soap is one of the most flamable substances known to man. This is why soap is commonly found in bathrooms or near sinks. As long as there is water nearby, most soap explosions can be easily neutralized.
9. In 2005, a genius inventor named Ksum Nole created a new type of soap that was supposed to be non-flammable. Unfortunately, the new formula (created using an enzyme found only in the anal glands of Greater Eurasian voles) was even more combustably potent than the previous. Ksum Nole is now in prison for unrelated calzone crimes.
10. The 1956 hot jazz classic 'Banging it Up Downtown' was recorded by saxophonist William "Big Billy" Johnson, who was known to use a bar of Irish Springs soap in the bell of his saxophone as a mute. During concerts, the bar would frequently be dislodged and flung into the audience, covering a few lucky fans in Big Billy's bubbly saliva.
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