Things I Must Do This Summer
But probably no way in hell is this going to happen
1- Go to a rooftop bar after work and meet up with three of my closest female friends. I will be wearing one of those light shifty dresses with almost no stains, the kind that blows in the breeze and is gently floral. âAnnnnn Taylorrrrâ the wind will whisper. I will only order one drink and it will be a European beer that smells like grapefruit and whatever âenjoy responsiblyâtastes like. My friends and I will get rosy-cheeked (NOT drunk) as we pull brand new Clinique lip-glosses out of our large white leather purses and the sweat that drips out of us will smell like freesia. Hahahaha our laughs will tinkle in the falling sunlight.
2- Have the kind of bbq party where beer pong is not played. Maybe one that has lantern lights, very âthat scene in 500 Days of Summerâ but with less âGIRLS SUCK, HUHâ and you would naturally replace JGL with turkey burgers and grilled zucchini. The dip wouldnât get smeared all over tables. Nobody would piss in the backyard. Not one person would piss in the backyard, all the piss would be replaced with âI must have this quinoa recipeâand âpass the Cava sparkler.â
3- Go to the beach in an outing where I donât burn the fuck out of my lower body because sand is literally just fire rocks in the summer. Instead, I will wear a retro bikini and get a perfectly safe and SPF-d tan that accentuates my hot pink nails on many an Instagram filter
4- Buy an air conditioner and not die
5- Find the perfect pair of denim shorts that a) donât ride up my ass b) show off my privates when I am sitting open-legged like the toddler I am c) never need to be washed ever
6- Accomplish âbeach wavesâ and not âhaha that poor girl had salt poured in her hair and now I guess small invisible animals are attempting to dreadlock itâ
7- Eat ice cream like a human being instead of smearing it all over my hands in some sort of weird scene from my new movie Planet of the Apes 4: We Are The Apes directed by Tim Burton
8- Walk from my door to any other place nearby and not cause a physical stink from my odor and sweat
9- Restrain myself from attacking people who wear really ornate sandals with kitten heels
10- Stop wearing so much eyeliner it doesnât make sense in this weather
11- Listen to LFOâs Summertime
12- Get outside the house and enjoy the weather, not just another incessant television marathon peppered with drool over the internet
13-Go to a food festival in Brooklyn. Eat a lobster roll, four pork rolls, a fried chicken sandwich, ramen, food trend, taco, food trend, food trend, eat this miso you bitch, locavore, farm-to-table, look at this guy with a cool pig tattoo, drive away with a food truck, artisanal, SLAW, artisanal slaw, I will eat you all and despair
14-Romantic exotic beach date with blue water and my sweet pieceâoâpie while I drink pina coladas and bloat on a Caribbean Island like a whale but HEY I donât have any MONEY guess itâs Coney Island
15- Ride a rollercoaster with my hands up smiling and not praying to a sweet God for relief and also how I want to keep my hands
16- Find the ice cream truck, dispose of the ice cream truck and its incessant jingly death music
17-Become a firework, baby Iâm a firework or whatever song Katy Perry releases this summer that I can desire to stop listening to but never can
18-Read all the books in the WORLD or at least think of one I actually wanted to read and now cannot remember the title of
19-Go on a juice-and-mini-bagel-and-other-foods-fast to get a bikini body, which I get by putting on a bikini and feeling really NICE about the whole thing. FEEL GOOD FEEL GOOD (EAT SALAD SOMETIMES) FEEL GOOD STOP POURING HATERADE ON YOUR NICE BODY.
20-Go to baseball games and PAY ATTENTION to things around me other than the beer
21-Have an adventure that involves: putting hand out of window, new sunglasses, something eaten on a stick, moonlight, Polaroids. Does NOT involve: roadkill, guy with hook who will forever know what I did last summer, jellyfish, dirty roadside bathrooms, Instagram
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