Black Widow Saga

The adventures of a romantic misanthrope

[bitchylittlehurricane]

My dear

I wrote you a letter, my dear. I deserve to be cherished. I deserve to be loved. And I deserve to be happy. I am enough. It's ok that you can't see that. But letting go is a bitch. Every time I fall in love, it seems to get worse and worse. How can I possibly feel this feeling so many times?! Fuck you for letting me in enough to feel this feeling and then just taking it all away. I should be strong. But if you show me even a little care or kindness I will fall at your feet. Jesus. My need for any sort of affirmation is really pathetic. But...it's ok. I am human. And my needs and feelings are valid. I just want a hug. Oh and to be loved and in a fulfilling relationship. Oh well.

[bitchylittlehurricane]

I was hoping to be loved

I need to be loved.  I need you to show me affection, physically and verbally.  Call me darling, call me dear, hold my hand, kiss me in front of your friends, please massage these effing knots out of my shoulders, cuddle me on the couch, cuddle me when we go to bed, get up and knock on the door when I’m crying in the damn bathroom, tell me how you feel about me, even if you don’t love me yet, fucking hold me when I’m sobbing, put your arms around me when I’m doing things in the kitchen, push me against the wall and kiss me, tear my clothes off at the end of the day, draw lines on my back when you want to wake me up, kiss my shoulder, kiss my neck, make time for me, put me ahead of others, call me on the phone when we can’t be together, don’t just fucking push me away and act like everything is fine, watch a movie I want to watch for fucking once.  A lot of these are things I need, and, as I go on, things I’m not getting from the person I’m seeing.  The person I love.  Unfortunately.  Love is the fucking worst.  There were so many complications going in.  I wanted to take it easy.  But my heart is an asshole.  And I have been more honest, more vocal about what I want, given more than I ever have before.  I was hoping it would work this time.  I was hoping to be loved. 

Fuck.

[bitchylittlehurricane]

Lara

Goddamnit I need Lara.  The only person I feel who could truly make me feel better about this whole bullshit (haha I wrote ‘hole’ and then my mind went off on a tangent about what the hole bullshit could possibly be about) and you are probably the only person I can’t talk to.  Because we aren’t friends anymore.  Because you are a ghosting, rotten, unfeeling bitch.  I have never needed anyone as much as I have needed you in the past year.  There are only two people who ever knew the depths of my worst darkness and the other one is my ex so talking about this stuff makes him feel guilty.  But damn it.  I need you, Lara.  Why the fuck did you have to do the things you did?  Or rather the things you didn’t? 

[bitchylittlehurricane]

Slow Jams Bum me out.

Am I a self-fulfilling prophecy?  I begin to doubt a man’s feelings or intentions and then everything comes around as I feared it would?  Or is it just that I have extraordinary intuition.

Honestly, I just want to be loved.  By someone that I love.  Its a pity I’ve already fallen for you.  It’s going to make this that much worse.  I can’t imagine why you would ever decide you wanted me.  It’s my deepest insecurity.  I will never be enough. 

[bitchylittlehurricane]

Once Upon A Time...

This is a story about my soulmate. 

A man I loved.  A man I love still.  A man who I believe loves me.  A man who I will never, ever be with. 

This man has seen the darkest parts of me.  We came together when my life was spiraling out of control.  I told him things that I’ve never told anyone.  Things I’ll never tell.  And he showed me his darkness. 

I have dreams that I’m living across the country, years from now, and I get a call.  They’ll tell me something has happened.  They’ll tell me there’s a funeral.  It is my greatest fear that he’ll leave too soon. 

We will never be together.  This life is not the life where we belong.  I believe in past lives.  And I’ve known him before.  Perhaps I’ll know him again. 

For now, he is my friend.  I keep our picture underneath me clothes in a drawer.  It’s too painful to look at what might have been. 

But I have it out now. 

I’m looking at how you pressed your cheek against mine.  How later that night, you’d save me from the river. How we’d run through the streets, and how you took me home. 

You loved me.  I have to believe that you loved me. 

I’m seeing someone.  My romantic associate.  He won’t wish me goodnight tonight.  I told him I have feelings for him.  I fully expect that he’ll leave me.  But I’d still choose my romantic associate over my soulmate.  Because my soulmate would end up destroying me.  This is not our lifetime. 

My romantic associate is new.  He doesn’t belong to the past. 

But what do I know. 

[bitchylittlehurricane]

Runaway

Loving and not being loved is a hard business

[bitchylittlehurricane]

Hello From The Other Side

It’s Valentine’s Day.  All things considered, it’s been a pretty good day.  I’m actually seeing someone.  We’re dating.  I’m not his girlfriend.  I can’t be until he takes certain steps to let go of the past.  And I don’t know if that will ever happen, but a girl can dream. 

I am ready to love someone and be loved in return.  One person. I’m not actually certain if I’ve ever been loved by a partner.  I’ve only had one real boyfriend: my high school boyfriend.  Almost 5 years.  He’s married now and has dropped me on FB.  I still check up on him.  I am honestly so very happy that he is happy.  We were shit for each other and I hated him by the end.  I’m sure he hated me too.  It’s been 5 years since we broke up.  In that time, I’ve dated, “dated,” fell in love multiple times, had my heart broken, been strung along, been ghosted...etc.  No one has actually wanted to be in a relationship with me.  Maybe its the type of man I am attracted to.  Maybe its me.  Maybe both.  Anyway, it’s safe to say that I am a little fragile.

Anyway.  The man I’m seeing has these....”friends.”  Today, he took me out for lunch and to a movie.  We took a walk.  I wore sexy and uncomfortable underwear, thinking that I would end up spending the night.  It’s walking dead night.  Which he loves.  He usually hosts a viewing for his “friends.”  I finally caught up so I could join them.  Not ideal, but at least I could still spend time with him and end up getting some.  I asked to make sure that I could still go and I was told that his “friends” didn’t want me there.  Because they are single.  And its Valentine’s day.  I don’t think they like me.  And I am treating them with more kindness and compassion than I have any desire to in an effort to make my dude’s life a little easier. 

Here is the point of it.  My friend group is made up of mostly people in relationships.  I have been a 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th wheel pretty consistently for the last 5 years.  And when one of my dear friends starts seeing someone, I make an effort to get to know the new person, and at the very least, don’t grudge them their invitations to social gatherings.  You like your friends and want them to be happy.  This person makes them happy.  So you deal.  You sack up.  You sit at the end of the table.  You make gagging noises when they kiss, but honestly, it’s only for fun. 

The fact that these bitches demanded that I not attend their stupid walking dead party, on VALENTINE’S DAY, because they’re single and whiny and probably all secretly or not so secretly in love with my romantic associate (which is not me being snippy, its the truth.  So many obstacles.  So many) is such bullshit.  Also, my dear, romantic associate, the fact that you let these bitches bully you into this sends me the message that YOU actually don’t want me around, I will always, ALWAYS come in second or third or fourth, even on FRICKING VALENTINE’S DAY, you won’t stand up for me, and maybe you actually like letting your “friends” be in charge of you.  Dear.  Love you.  Mean it. 

I’ve been on the other side, the single side, for most of my life.  I’ve been a card-carrying member of the 3rd wheel club since fricking middle school.  I know what it’s like.  I understand that it sucks.  Today of all days.  But seriously?  Y’all are mean-spirited, whiny little crybabies and not only are you punishing me (presumably, your actual goal) you are punishing your dear friend.  You are keeping him from happiness.  I am not promising that I can make him happy.  But if we don’t actually give this thing a shot, I never will and neither will anyone else.