Some of you might have noticed I haven’t been as active on here in awhile—and drastically down from a few years ago. And if you’re a mutual, you probably know I have health problems, complicated by depression and anxiety. That combination had, over the years, caused me to balloon up to 250 pounds, which at 5’5” was.....not good, considering my previous metabolism kept me at a size 0-5.
This summer, I decided to make a change.
I got a Fitbit, and to be honest, the effort I had originally planned to put in it was pretty pathetic. But by channeling my OCD (literal, not joking), and transforming my stubbornness into determination, I kept increasing my efforts.
When I started, biking 3 miles at a moderate pace nearly gave me a heart attack; I was sick, sweaty, ready to pass out. I now bike 30 miles a day, at 18-20 mph, and I’m working on increasing the resistance.
Since I started in July, I’ve dropped 5 sizes. What I thought would take me two years to achieve has a very real possibility of happening by this summer—I have only a little over 30 pounds to go to get to my main weight goal, which will put my total loss over 100 pounds. After that I can focus on maintaining and toning.
Does that mean my depression and anxiety are miraculously gone? HA! Hell no. From a combination of neurological problems and abuse, I’ve always felt trapped in my body, feeling like it doesn’t belong to me and fighting an intense urge to cut myself out. That’s never going to fully go away, but it’s lessened. And I don’t feel horrible about going out in public. My skin has cleared up, and I can walk places without panting like a dehydrated dog.
Changes aren’t only going to be physical! By the end of 2018, I’ll have a (admittedly small) Etsy shop up once I work up a few designs, and I’m going to bite the bullet and self publish a few things on kindle—admittedly not by best, but enough to learn from experience until I can get something up I’ll admit to.
All in all, it’s going to be a hard year. One that, honestly, has the potential to damage me. But as things stand I don’t really have anything to lose, so by that standard, the risk is worth it. If you have good thoughts to spare to send my way, I’d appreciate them.
I hope everyone else has a wonderful 2018, and that you meet the goals you set for yourselves, even if they’re hard ones!
