That day i woke up at around 5am. I tried to go back to sleep on several occasions but i seemed to have lost the window of opportunity to just drift off immediately after waking up. So in an attempt to give my chaotic mind something to be occupied with i walked downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee. I hadnāt been awake that early in a very long time, iād dare to say around a year or so. There wasnāt much light yet, a rosy tint painted the walls and cabinets of the kitchen, part of the sky was still a dark shade of blue. I made myself a coffee with two capsules instead of one and decided to heat it up in the microwave instead of taking it cold like i usually do. It wasnāt even that cold outside, i realized once i walked back upstairs and grabbed a sweatshirt to put on, i guess all i needed was comfort. But, as i sat down on my bed, with my warm strong coffee in hand, my hood up and the covers over my legs i realized how bizarre the situation was. Nothing felt real and for a short moment while i started reading my book i felt something i hadnāt felt in what seemed like an eternity, a blissful silence surrounded me, it seemed too early even for birds to be fully awake, light was a bit more present but still scarce, i was warm, comfortable and surreally content. There mightāve been nothing extraordinary about the situation to others, but to me it felt like i was myself once again after countless months of not being it. Intense peace filled me, a sort that i didnāt even get at late hours of the night anymore. It was so easy to pretend i was someone else, in some place else, alone, happy, free. But eventually my cup was empty, light had finally fully arrived, birds chirped and my eyes got tired of reading. The felling hadnāt dissipated yet, it was still a beautiful thing to lay down and close my eyes, still soaked in this ethereal state. I only realized i fell asleep once i woke up. I donāt believe iāve been so heartbroken before. Everything was back to normal, loud noises surrounded me, people awake and walking around, doors opening and closing, chatter loudly filling the spaces, my room so bright it made me squint my eyes, breakfast ready downstairs and my presence requested at once. Everything was back to normal, to how itās been for too long now, everything was painfully real. Walking into the same kitchen that looked so beautiful mere hours ago hit me like a train, i lost all appetite and barely ate. There was just one capsule left, so i drank a soft coffee with cold milk. I slowly started to realize the moment wouldnāt come back again, not even if i repeated every action the next morning, it was gone forever and the version of me i strived to be was gone with it as well. Sometimes i still wonder if i wouldāve lost that moment had i not fallen asleep, or if that wouldāve made it even more painful forcing me to see it die down slowly.
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