[biuebeardsbride]

dependency

chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3

Fuck off!” Hollander said but he was breathing in now harsh and desperate through his open mouth and his cheeks were pinking up and when Ilya splayed a hand on his chest, he could feel the rabbit-pace of his heart beating like crazy, the rise and fall of his big chest. He wanted to ask if he ever felt this desperate when he was with Jakob Hołub. If his fiancé even fucked him as good.

The affair was never meant to go on this long. Three years later, the cards are finally tumbling down.

Ilya’s bad mood had followed him all the way from Russia.

He turned it over in his head, the sink of it all during those early hours back in Moscow, even when some of that old tenderness had seeped, sharp like that first breath of air after a long time underwater. Bad mood during the dinner parties, the evening appearances with important ministers, those daily social callings that gave life and shape and rhythm to the structure of his summer. Bad mood as he lay alone in bed — Sveta, if she wanted to sleep, had long since given up on sharing a bed with him in Russia, but now he sometimes wondered if they should have. He’d wanted to give her space; that’s what she’d wanted after all — arms resting over his stomach and felt it crystallise into a hard edge even as he sloped into sleep. No thought but the fact that he was transforming into the sort of piece-of-shit cunt that gave Grigori Rozanov’s life meaning.

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[luthienne]

Tony Hoagland, from Application for Release from the Dream; “The Complex Sentence”

[shanehollandered]

listen to me, if ilya died prematurely, shane would do the most wicked, darkest magic to bring him back and not even bat an eye about it

[lolalalateatime]

Oh, agreed. The other way round? I think Ilya would go the Orpheus way, run right down to the kingdom of the dead and try to bring his boy back. But Shane - absolutely darkest, nastiest spells.

[shanehollandered]

oh my god you're so right and it's so buzzy!!!!

shane who is so desperate to get ilya back that he'd look the other way for whatever horrible thing needs to happen or he needs to do to return ilya to him

vs

ilya who has to rely on himself to make it happen and having to trust that shane is following him and struggling with it because the ever tiny present voice in his head is questioning whether shane truly love him enough to return

[itmightrain]

"What I wanted out of Ilya was a slyness and a kind of- that Ilya is always trying kind of not to laugh, especially at Shane. What he doesn't want Shane to realize is how much he likes him and how charmed- how endlessly charmed he is by making Shane uncomfortable, that it actually lights him up inside, that he loves it. And [Connor] did that so well right away."

- Jacob Tierney (x)

[awakenedpotential]

hollanov- woh humsafar thaa

[awakenedpotential]

track: woh humsafar thaa by qurat-ul-ain balouch poetry: khalid ahmed and naseer turabi

When we parted ways, neither he, nor I dared to cry But why is it then since, sleep hasn't touched our eyes

He was my companion but not in harmony were we Like sunshine and shadows, separated yet intertwined, you see

We had our share of fights, our difference of opinions and beliefs My lover had it all, but not a speck of infidelity in him

He was my companion, but not in harmony were we…

: kyra dione

(urdu words can have multiple meanings, and i had fun playing around with them in this video and trying to draw out the ones that i wanted you to know. i'm providing the translation for those of you who are interested in a more straightforward approach.)

special thanks to @miscelium and @nettlepixie for taking a second look at two very different stages in the process and for their advice!

[cosmicanger]

[bugslibraryy]

WAIT guys im not done horny posting… one more thing… Shane and Ilya have bare sex, ok and Shane is all have you ever you know done that with anyone before? And Ilya is like hm no not really and Shane is like what do you mean not really. And Ilya is like well with girls sometimes when I was drunk and being stupid, but I’d always pull out- I’ve only ever cum inside you Shane. And Shane is like. Oh. Because it kinda didn’t matter if Ilya had- but he kinda loves that only he’s given Ilya that. And then he’s just like “I can’t really picture you being able to pull out” and Ilya is like all eye brows and “what? What kind of chirp is this Hollander? I am not so stupid to maybe get someone pregnant” and Shane is just all shrug- “well whenever we- everytime we’ve fucked, even with a condom you don’t want to come anywhere but inside me. And you push in so deep when you cum sometimes it knocks my breath out. So. I just can’t see it” he shrugs and Ilya is all.

“What the fuck shane” and he’s maybe a little hard, and Shane is like “I mean it’s really hot. I like it. I just think you’d suck at pulling out” and he’s got a little smirk and Ilya is like woooow. Turns into bickering which turns into play fighting which turns into dry humping- which turns into Shane on his back with his legs slung over Ilya’s hips, Ilya pushing into him bare and slick with lube.

Once he’s all the way inside, mouth panting against Shane’s, Shane stroking his hand through his hair he’s like “make sure you pull out okay?” And Ilya pulls back to catch Shane’s eye and that little gleam he gets in it and oh game on. Ilya is like “of course baby, don’t wanna get you pregnant, metros stand no chance without next season if you’re knocked up” and Shane’s mouth drops open and his cock throbs between them and he lets out a tiny choked sound and oh. Ilya will be investigating that more later.

But it Shane so it’s game on and he swallows and he says “mm only if you can’t control yourself big boy” and Ilya hates how much that turns him on- and then they’re fucking and Shane is squirmy and loud under him, hands all over Ilya’s chest and neck and face and down his back and gripping at his ass and Ilya loooves that he can fuck him like this now, on his back and glued close and not hiding anything between them anymore. Ilyas getting close and his brain is swimming because he won’t prove Shane right- he won’t but fuck it feels so fucking good and Shane is so tight and wet and perfect around him and his cock looks so pretty throbbing and jolting with Ilya’s thrusts and he loves the way Shane shakes around him after he’s cum and Ilya keeps fucking him through it till he fills him and he wants that and he- he can’t he’s going to be good.

And then shane is kissing him, pulling at his hair, scratching at his scalp and saying “m close” Ilya all low and soft and fuck Ilya loves him and only Ilya gets him like this and they both need this so badly- it’s the whole universe, how good this feels. And Ilya needs Shane to feel good, he’s nodding, kissing Shane back the best he can as he fucks him, harder, deeper, presses his legs apart further the leverage down and in the way Shane loves and Shane is whining, throwing his head back and mumbling “Ilya Ilya” and Ilya might die, like this, he thinks one day because it’s too good. It’s already heaven.

“Let go sweetheart” Ilya is mumbling and shane is nodding and he’s slurring out “don’t cum, don’t cum inside remember, you can’ get me pre” and Ilya is fucking him harder then, Shane’s words stuttering until he cums, back bowed and all over his stomach and chest and he’s so fucking tight round Ilya and Ilya is so fucking close. So close. He needs to cum- but he needs to cum inside Shane.

He’s never once had an issue with pulling out, happy to cover tits or face or ass in his cum instead, but Shane is all dazed and shivery and post orgasm gorgeous on his cock and his hands are grabbing soft and open at Ilya’s back and neck, holding him close and Shane loves being full, Ilya knows this, Ilya loves filling him, he stays inside Shane after sex for as long as he can most times and it’s not right it’s not what he wants, to pull out of the warm secure home of Shane’s body, where he belongs, where Shane takes him like it’s devotion. Ilya is shivering, his shoulder wracking as he fucks Shane and his pace is slowed and he tries to force his hips to stay on the out stroke. To pull back- but he can’t, he can’t stop driving in, helpless little fucks of his good because this feels to good, being Shane’s, connected to him, fucking him open, fitting him on him he can’t make himself stop.

Ilya frowns and looks up at Shane and Shane is head back, mouth parted, soft smile as he takes Ilya’s thrusts, his hand on Ilya’s cheek now, thumb rubbing and Shane mumbles after a big content sigh “fuck baby I love your cock” and then Ilya is whining, low and driving into Shane, all the way, sinking his cock so deep it must hurt a bit for Shane, till he has no more space to go and he cums so hard his thigh and lower stomach cramp with it, Shaking as he ruts and pushes up up up into Shane, filling him.

When they both have words again, Shane giggles, fuck drunk and swats at Ilya’s ass and Ilya is shaking his head and pinching at Shane’s sides and calling him a cheat! A fucking cheat! He didn’t play faiiir and Shane is laughing, open and happy and locks his legs behind Ilya’s back when he does threaten to pull out and kisses his head and tell him it’s okay he won’t tell alone his pull out game is weak and Ilya pins his hands to the bed to tickle him until Shane is kicking at him and flushed all the way down his chest and Ilya gives in. He slumps onto Shane, biting back his smile. Fuck Shane is so fun and lovely and hot and everything he could have ever wanted. He puts his hand over Shane’s stomach, spreading his cum out with his fingers, making a mess that Shane will start to bitch about in the next ten or so seconds but Ilya beats him to it, pulls back to look at Shane and ask “what will we call the baby?” And then Shane is pushing Ilya out of him, avoiding eye contact and flushing and stumbling on dazed legs to the shower. Ilya catches his smile in the bathroom mirror as Ilya chases after him.

[boundwithpurple]

rhaenyra and alicent both have traumatic ruptures related to the loss of their mothers. rhaenyra’s mother’s death ends her childhood. she cries to viserys in 1.03 “i had a family” - but her mother dies and then she loses most of the rest of it in consequence: daemon is banished, viserys marries alicent. alicent’s lack of a mother is really tied to her victimization by viserys - otto tells her to wear one of her mother’s gowns to “comfort” the king and the first thing alicent says to the adult man she has now been tasked to please is to try to empathetically connect her grief at her mother’s recent death to his at the death of his wife. and then mother loss and mother yearning becomes a very key thread for them - the 1.02 sept scene where alicent tells rhaenyra she prays to be close to her mother and suggests rhaenyra do the same; rhaenyra swearing “on the memory of my mother” to try to lie and convince alicent she’s still a virgin in 1.04 (which is definitely a part of alicent’s fury when she realizes rhaenyra lied - it’s violating that crucial bond). which is why it is interesting it is so emphasized daemon can’t remember his mother at all. like, it’s fascinating she even shows up so urgently at all in s2, because she has been dead for more than four decades by then, as opposed to aemma’s death on screen in the pilot and alicent’s mother death within probably a couple years of the show starting, at most. but she both shows up in daemon’s externalized emotional landscape/dreamscape and she shows up for it to be stressed “you never knew your mother, did you?” for two of our three protagonists, mother’s death is when your childhood dies as well, and daemon’s happened at a much earlier point.

[biuebeardsbride]

dependency

If he’d known that Hollander was planning to never put out again, he would have never settled for a measly blowjob. He would’ve never let Hollander come in his pants like some pent-up, desperate teenager. He would have dragged it out just like he’d wanted to, but getting his hands on Hollander seemed to infect him with the same brand of sluttiness. He’d lose his head. Go insane. His body snatched out right from under him, a few sharp flares of memories — Hollander’s low whine and the feel of his cock in his mouth and his brown teary eyes — as the only tells he had for what had happened the night before. Thinking about it too long felt fucking terrifying, made him feel embarrassingly similar to Alexei, or worse, his mother.

Three years later, the affair has reached its breaking point.

Read Chapter 3

Halfway through the third period, Ilya forgot about everything.

In the preceding days, he had been forced to make do with a sad string of sparse texts from Hollander. Absolutely worthless and so boring that Ilya couldn’t even remember the contents of them, found that they didn’t matter. Certainly nothing sexy or fun enough to at least make up for the endless surge of calls from Alexei — The nurse, she will leave if you do not give more money. I have fucking daughter, Ilya. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself, you selfish cunt — but amongst the riot in the center, Ilya found that he didn’t care. He’d found his tear. He’d made contact with the magic hour: the weight of his stick in his hands, the tension in his striding calves, the heaving joy when he smashed Buffalo’s new star center into the boards.

The fans shoved close to the rattling glass, sweaty desperate hands hammering near his head. Their boos struck like nails to the brain, and over that was the sound of music, the center stretched to the seams. He laughed. Loved it. Couldn’t think of a better feeling than the spill of violence. The star center threw an elbow back and shoved against him and the reverberation from the hit lit up all his aches — pain he couldn’t breathe through, not since a bad hit from one of the D-Men during the second period —his body was close to exhaustion. From the corner of his eye was a blur, speeding in close until it resolved into the shape of Haasy stealing away with the puck.

Ilya went after him, was gone like a bullet. Somewhere between the hit and his decision to move, his brain had gone offline. He didn’t need it to play extraordinary hockey. He loved the feeling of his body when his brain emptied out. He could make a meal out of it: his shredded lungs and his striding legs and the bright flash of pain when he breathed in too deep, the wrongness of his shoulder. His soul slid out of his mouth, snatched up by the wave of sound in the center, cacophonous when Haasy threaded through the big D-Men, positioned himself by the goal and backhanded the puck into the net.

[usermovies]

Les parapluies de Cherbourg (1964) dir. Jacques Demy

[normalbrothers]

5'5 syphilitic top who gets regularly sexually assaulted by his pseudo brother

[hollandar]

Heated Rivalry — 1x02 ⤷ VEGAS BATHROOM

(sources below)

“What was fun about the scene...”

“There's a full spectrum of emotions...”

“I like the animal thing when...”

“Shane can't look at Ilya...”

“That scene is intimacy...”

“For Parrell...”

“Was there any moment...”

“Your micro-expressions...”

“As for scenes that I think they improved...”

behind the scenes photo

[steveyockey]

shane hollander’s nonsuicidality is awesome not because he has any particular reservoir of like “life is worth living” joie de vivre he just doesn’t see it as an option. he would survive a 127 hours type scenario and get asked how he didn’t just give up and be like Well I Had To Succeed. I Saw It As A Task I Was Given

[omens-of-what-is-to-cum]

Fascinated by the concept that Shane just. Only lives for this tiny fraction of his actual life. What Shane wants, what he shapes every facet of his life and self around for twenty odd years, is to be in the rink, with the stadium bellowing and the scoreboard in his favour.

all he wants is to fucking play hockey, but it’s so LITTLE of his actual life.

it’s all transport and training and exercise and dieting and emails and modelling and coaching and sleeping and cars and planes and locker rooms and hotels and clubs and bars and there’s so little HOCKEY

is it all a fugue state for him? Just a thousand miserable unskippable cut scenes he has to move through until he can be on the ice again?

and what must it be like for him to meet Ilya, for their relationship to gradually develop and intensify until suddenly he’s experiencing the only other thing he would die for.

it must be so identity shattering to find something ELSE you care about that much, and a crisis of faith that would force you to reevaluate everything.

I think that’s an underrated factor behind the tunameltdown, Shane realising that this foundational cornerstone of his identity, that he cares about hockey so much that it degrades everything else in life to him, now has competition.

because he cares about Ilya so much that he is risking hockey.

he wants Ilya in his life properly, not just as another tiny flashpoint between dull, drawn-out moments. but for Ilya to be in his life like that, he would be putting hockey at risk. It’s something he practically has a mental block around, is literally INCAPABLE of considering.

he’s let it decide every single part of his life: his miserable diet, the horrible modelling shoots and brand deals, missing his parents, repressing his attraction, distancing himself from his friends and team…

all for the benefit of hockey, and all with no hesitation or internal conflict

and now he wants Ilya so bad that it will threaten hockey.

hockey, which he let threaten his family and friends and body and health…

because he wants Ilya more then any of those things.

[normalbrothers]

aw and they say your rapist dad can't be a romancer

[normalbrothers]

the only glimpse of the dad we are getting as that of a crying, drunk, pleading, pathetic man really was brilliant in light of ruben's relevation that he was also pleasured by the sexual abuse.

super effective characterization of a relationship that only exists in the negative spaces but determines so much of what we see happening.

also intriguingly juxtaposes ruben's dedication to maintain this hard-boiled, impenetrable, brutal masculinity, surely instilled by his father, and yet this is what we are familiarized with

[twinkwolf]

shane who knows deep down he will never have children. his complicated feelings about ilya’s bisexuality. sufjan stevens to be alone with you. that first ever overnight together at the cottage. you gave up a wife and a family to be alone with me

[biuebeardsbride]

és portugues(a)? :3c

sorry no ☹️ just your standard nigerian brit