Lets Relate

life's simple...

[nateswinehart]

You gotta have a plan…

[bkurus]

The road not taken

Always thinking, maybe not always, but it comes to me often. Am I willing to be patient? When everyone else is jumping in with both feet. Am I ready to plunge in? When the water seems to be dark and bottomless. Am I ready to let it all out? When there seems to be so much at stake. More often than not...it boils down to the me wanting to love and be loved...regardless.

[bkurus]

Being strong?

What is it to be strong? To just keep smiling? To keep on saying "it's ok"? To always have a "no problem" "can do" spirit? Or is it about being completely vulnerable to all of your peers and then not giving a damn about how it's going to affect them? As of now I feel like shit! Like seriously!! And the worst thing is; I can't freely express myself on the social media platforms simply because...it's not the right thing to do..it may cause someone else to stumble..it's not something a "leader" is suppose to do..and that makes me furious! I can't share with any of my close friends cause I wouldn't want them to worry...I can't share with my leaders cause they'll just tell me what I already know...I can't share with those who are "under" me cause it doesn't really work that way...so who the fuck do I have?!? I mean seriously! Everyone has someone...why not me?! Most of my friends have me in their life to listen to with no judgement whatsoever...WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ME?!? Literally just don't feel like fighting anymore...what's the point...like seriously...for what purpose...

[bkurus]

It just feels right

I am not if I just don't understand it OR that I am choosing not to understand it, but I really cant fully understand why can't 2 guys or 2 girls just get together? I mean some gay couples are definitely more successful than ALOT of "normal" couples out there!! I don't want this to be a turmoil in my life forever...I really just wish it would be taken away...of course that's the ideal...BUT I have to accept the latter that I may have to fight this off till the day I die? It really just did felt right, given that I was actually dreaming...but it felt right...BS and I...it just felt so right... We were just fooling around..me grabbing him to prove a point and him just laughing and edging me on until he got wet causing me to jokingly ewwwww in disgust over what was going on.. Then him trying something out...only to find that he did enjoy it..it just felt right....but what wet dream doesn't feel right?

[bkurus]

Giving Up

I don't know how other people do it; growing up, becoming an adult. How do other people do it? How did Donald Trump pick himself up after filing for bankruptcy again and again? How did colonel sanders have the guts to face yet another loan rejection from another bank? How did Nick Vjuvic (or however you spell it) look in the mirror everyday and not feel useless? Looking at these people...how can I not belittle my problems? What are my problems compared to what others are facing?! Is it just me or does anyone else face these questions? Yes God, I know I can talk to you...but how about a friend maybe? Someone whom I can share EVERYTHING with....like EVERYTHING?! There's such an internal struggle going on and I am not too optimistic about the outcome! All I want to do is give up and give in...as of now...all I have is work...my ministry is not going anywhere...none of my ministry is...so what's the point really? CG...nope...not going anywhere....drama...not even a message or a call...Hearing impaired...it's just getting rostered...like seriously...not even an ounce of responsibility... So what's keeping me tethered?! My love...my love for them and for Him...the church and Him...where did my convictions go off to? Where are my revelations? Where is my passion? Questions after questions after questions....

[bkurus]

Unexpected

It was weird...good weird...for the first time, well as long as I can remember, I dreamt about a girl! I'm pretty astounded by this...it was like *open eyes in the morning* ...."this is interesting.." You would think that it was like any other dream that any other guy would get regarding a girl...but even my dream about this girl is honorable! I was actually discussing about how and whether I can get attached to her, the only thing stopping it was that my friend (sort of my life coach) wasn't as close to her as she was with me...so she needed time to connect deeper with the girl first before I can go ahead with the proposal... But I was pretty insistent, saying things like "But I want her now! Ask those who are closer to her to get to know her more...you don't actually need to know her that well...all I know is that we're meant to be!" Something along that line... Then I went fishing...silly silly dreams

[bkurus]

A New Low

Won't be continuing with the |Day X| titles anymore...unless I actually follow it...I used to...and then got lazy...but from time to time I still need an outlet to just express myself I guess...I am not bold enough to do it on video yet...although its definitely easier to express everything...but it requires more boldness, which at this point I don't have too much of it yet. So anyways...I've definitely hit a new low...just slept with a 16 year old...I mean I think in some places that's considered as a minor...I am hoping he's 16 turning 17...I dread to imagine if he's actually 15 turning 16 and he was just saying that he's 16 to so that I would meet up with him... I was just in need of company...to feel good about myself? And unfortunately...I did! He was the cutest little thing I've ever met!! Like a lost little puppy that needed a home...shy and bold in all the right places...definitely a keeper if he ever gets attached! Oh man...he was amazing!! The worst part is...I was his first! And I'm like 8 years...EIGHT freaking years older than him!! I think I was really decent and took things really slow making sure that every time we were about to try something else I would check if he's still doing ok...it was a really hot session...too hot in fact!! A part of me really wished that we had just met up..started to build a relationship and went on from there...instead of just going at it from the get go!! Another part of me, the spiritual man in me felt disgusted at myself...what the heck was I doing?! What had I done?! There goes one soul...actually no...I am not bigger than God..that soul can still head back to the kingdom...but also not taking it lightly...how did my sexual encounter shape this boy?! How did that one encounter with me mould his mindset?! I felt unsettled and disgusted at myself for even going through with it... Even now I am thinking where do I go from here? A big part of me hopes that he would contact me once again..and we would become a thing...another part of me dreads to see what sort of future this boy would have if he keeps having encounters like this...not every man he meets would be as slow or understanding as I was... What have I done? What sort of new low have I hit...do I even deserve to have Him love me?

[bkurus]

Day ?

It's been awhile since I last posted haven't I? Today I just needed an outlet I guess? I mean of all people to dream about...him! Like I have so many encounters....and right now I have a HUGE infatuation with the cutest boy you'll ever know...do I dream about these people...nope...instead....HIM!! Like come on!! It's been over 10 years!! Kinda annoyed with the fact that my mind was set on him early in the morning...but it was somewhat comforting? It was the conversation that we had in my dream (yes I know in fact I was talking to myself...but it seemed so real) We were both just so open to talk...about what we did...our first encounter...was done together...how he's moved on and I myself have moved on to...I say that confidently...that I have moved on...that I understood... It was a really mature conversation... A: you have to stop this... M: I didn't come to find you, I was looking for someone else. A: oh...we can still be friends? M: yeah of course...I know that you're attached now and all that...and that's OK...in fact I am really happy for you :D A: yea... M: Sorry if there was any misunderstanding...I was really looking for another room...I just happen to stumble into yours...it's been awhile since I came here and I was in such a rush! A: Her room is another floor up you know? M: Ummm yeah...I know that now.... *alarm rings* More than anything I think I was really comforted...that maybe it's a sign that I can finally close this one chapter in my life? It would have been an interesting journey with him...the warmth of his tanned body and the smell of his musk...the smoothness of his skin and the subtle beats of his heart....it would have been an interesting journey...

[bkurus]

Day 59 | Maxed out

In terms of love to give I may be close to maxing out! I mean of course I really don't mind helping friends who are in need...but to wake up at 530 in the morning is truly asking alot!! But I don't mind because it was for a very close friend of mine...however I am maxed out in terms of unrest...It seems as classes are about to start I am more agitated and restless...

However my problems aren't as big as my friend's problem; her dad has lung cancer which was brought on by smoking...which made me think about my dad...I wonder if he'll ever get lung cancer...sometimes I secretly hope he does just so that it will act as a warning to my siblings who are smoking and also that he may see who's truly his family...us or that mistress he keeps at his side...that's the darkness in me talking..

It was good though...because I woke up so early in the morning I managed to get a lot of things done today...well in my opinion heading down to the west end of Singapore just to collect one's medical checkup is really a feat to be reckoned with..

Till tomorrow.

[bkurus]

Day 58 | Matriculation

So it's definitely going to be an interesting 18 months ahead. A brand new beginning with a brand new environment. I've really got to get in shape...I have actually gained back to 106 kilos because of my Malaysia trip...A class of 20+ students with all guys and only 2 girls...Praying my heart out that I would be paired with the 2 ladies...just because I connect better with girls as opposed to guys...plus the guys in my class are obnoxious in nature...not like Keith from Sunday whom I actually have a thing for now...but obnoxious like that kid in school whom everyone likes but despise...

Excited with reservations, that's the feeling I am having about this new journey that I am going to embark on...Still got to think of how I am going to get my finances for this 18 months....

Interesting exciting times ahead.

Till tomorrow.

[bkurus]

Day 57 | Wing (s)

Maybe I am trying to sleep with every possible kind of guys here in Singapore... counting today I would probable have slept with over 50 guys...that's crazy!! The total number of sexual encounters I have had can make up a little community in the suburbs...I really wonder what would happen if by some random coincidence a friend of mine whom knows me personally would to stumble upon this blog that I have...

Should I make this blog private? Or should I keep it public?

Somehow keeping this public is really just therapeutic. It's my form of confession...still want to find a proper catholic church one of these day to spill my guts out to the priest and see how many hail Mary's would I need to do..For you out there, those reading my blog...it is important to have an outlet...somewhere, someone or something that you can do to let everything out....your deepest darkest secret or thoughts...It helps keep you sane...well it does for me...

So Wing(s)? Is there something about my profile picture on Growlr that somehow sends a message that attracts mainly "sub-par" individuals...or maybe I am myself a sub-par individual? I dread to ever think of myself as sub-par...who doesn't? But to think or to begin thinking that I am sub-par would just make me feel depressed...there has got to be something more than just living the norm...conforming to the status quo...

Till tomorrow.

[bkurus]

Day 56 | Brunch and sex

I always love spending time with my gals...no matter how awkward it may be...because once the ice is broken between us and when we get our momentum going...we're unstoppable...laughing and just listening to one another with no judgement at all...it's always easier to go through any season when you have a family of friends whom you trust and who trusts in you.

It was a super long day though...brunch...ministry; where I had to simultaneously be present for the day to attend to the hearing impaired who were there and to plan the next outing that we were going to have on the 21st of October...it was really exhausting!! So happy that when I got home I managed to find me a chaser who would spend the night with me...

He was a bit rough around the edges...but oddly enough...he was just the right amount of rough....Maybe bad boys are my kind of thing...He was such an "ah beng" a Chinese gangster...crude and obnoxious...man did he know how to work them nips...a total eye candy too...who smelled positively amazing.

We spent the entire night just talking. If only I had the guts to get into a relationship...but how am I suppose to get into a relationship with a guy or a girl for that matter if I don't resolve this issue that I have inside me...I know that sodomy is not something to toy with....but how can something that feels so right be so wrong...

Till tomorrow

[bkurus]

Day 55 | Goodbye again, reliving the dream

Didn't really care for the fact that I had to say bye to my parents yet again...no matter how many hundred times we go through this stage of saying bye to my parents (just one of the many perks of staying abroad...) it never gets easier...Whenever we say our last goodbyes it will immediately occur to me that yet again...I am alone in a foreign land!

Coupled with the School of Theology graduation service didn't really help my self confidence? I am not sure if I used the right word...but I began doubting how important I was...or who I really am...looking at students going up to receive their certificate and awards nominees and winners made me wonder how in the world I got to this point in my life?

Just 4 years ago I proudly graduated with an overall performance of 92%...and won 3rd place as the Best Minister of the Year award and being top listed as one of the best preachers in my cohort...and here I am now...being put on hold, on the shelf wondering when will it be my turn again? Maybe I am not ready and I don't deserve it already....maybe I have lost my right?

I should think that way...I just need to sort this internal mess out...

Till tomorrow.

[bkurus]

Day 54 | Parental guidance

Woke up early to get things done before spending the rest of the day with my parents. Actually thought it was just going to be me and my mum for the day as I assumed my dad was going to gamble our family's savings away...only to find out that he apparently had a windfall this month in his business deals earning him up to 20K!! Now if only I had the courage to tell them that I have used up my seed money of 38K over the span of 2 years...but maybe it won't be such a good idea to bring it up now...

It was good to just spend some time with the both of them, it reminded me of how things were much simpler when I was younger...no cares no worries...all I needed to do was to make them happy...It does get so difficult when you grow up...but it is worth it...my parents are perfect but they seem happy?

I don't know how they keep up their appearances...dad resents my mum for being the bread winner in the family thus finding a mistress who would rely solely on him so that he can feel needed....mum is at a stage where she herself takes all the blame and is in an awkward position of letting it be...a martyr for our family...makes me wonder if most of the female members of my family lineage goes through this...I really hope not for the sake of my sister and cousins...

What can I do really but to pray and believe that in the end He knows what He's doing.

Till tomorrow. 

[bkurus]

Day 53 | All over the place

Many things:

almost missed my flight

had to sit through yet another uncomfortable car ride with my dad's mistress

forgot to turn off the main water supply when I left Penang

only had 2 days of valid stay in Singapore entering her...

waited like a dumb ass in the Immigration center...for 3hours...

double booked myself with 2 guys back to back...1 white and 1 black

did BB for the first time....didn't quite enjoy it!

questioned my values in terms of my sexual drive...

cursed my decision to stay in Singapore

forced myself to meet my parents at RWS to find the most amazing room...

ate alot with my mum while talking about life

slept like a baby

Till tomorrow.

[bkurus]

Day 52 | Infatuated

So it's late and well I have just met the most adorable cub in the entire state of Penang...granted at first glance as he got out of his car I was thinking to myself "What have I got myself into?" Did I really just arranged a meeting with a big guy on my last night here in Penang...nothing wrong with big guys (heck I am big) but it's just not my preference...BUT as soon as he freshened himself up and came into the room with just a towel and that smile of his....I melted.

He was slow and gentle...unlike the other Chinese guy who just forced his way in...man where did his etiquette go! But this guy....I can still smell him and feel his light touch against the sides of my body...

Why am I like this? Lady Gaga tells me that I am "Born This Way" but why did I have to be born this way? Maybe if I just gave into these desires I would finally be happy?

If only life was clean but it's not!! You can see that my blog's slogan

[Life's Simple]

it is Simple...we make it complicated....

Till tomorrow.

[bkurus]

Day 51 | Weird encounter

So trying to meet my goal of hitting one guy a day while I am here in Penang is really working for me...in terms of just cumming and reaching that climax to have that brief period of ecstasy but today's encounter is teaching me to meet people at my terms...

It felt as though I was in an episode of hoarders...he wasn't even that cute...leaving my past behind...never again never again..however I did manage to head down to the beach today! Which could have been better if not for the fog and the clouds...

Really need to bring my close friends here with me to Penang so that we can just go wild!! I am going to miss this place when I leave the following day...Actually really just miss the fact that I have a car here....

Till tomorrow.