Blackbery's blog ! !

Hai >< | Call me Blackbery or js Bery <3 | She/They Online/digital diary (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/07/19

man... Can a Bery get some drugs?? Like... She really wants to try an edible. Or like, general stuff that messes w the mind. I wanna try smoking also. But like my lungs are shit so idk abt that one.

I owe my sister like 120 bucks cuz she bought shoes for me. I can't even spend money on Monster cuz I gotta pay her back... ugh... I'm trying to get better sleep habits but it's 1 am and I'm on tumblr. Bery should sleep ngl.

Bai guys!!

[aftonviolry]

Hello! I have finally uploaded Radio Silence onto YouTube! I will say it is a one act so it has been greatly condensed and I had to Americanize it (annoying I know but I had a month and we couldn't do accents in a month lol) other than that everything is basically the same though!

https://youtu.be/A5AWssu1UFQ?si=z3Ke2arGG_L-6wxp

I hope you guys all enjoy it. It was a wonderful experience to work on!!

And thank you to @aliceoseman, @chronicintrovert for all the good wishes and for writing my favorite book allowing for this amazing opportunity it was a dream come true!!

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/07/10

still no proper phone and there's a road trip coming up... Istg imma tweak TF out.

In other news, the cuts on my thigh are scarring up real nice!! Lwk really happy they're leaving a trace but I can't rly tell anyone irl that. It's my cry for attention that only I will see and will brush off if questioned abt it.

Wanna join straight but my refs aren't done... waaaahhhhh I wanna be fast at art like other artists but I aintttt

Anyhoo, I gots to sleep buh bayyyy

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/07/07

Bery was lied to.

See, if ya saw my previous entry (which u probs didn't), Bery stated that her dad got her phone fixed and that it would be ready on Monday (yesterday). ...Bery did not receive a fixed phone yesterday. Which was bullshit. But she supposed that it's alright. She'll survive.

On another note! Bery's older sister is taking her to the mall today! They're gonna both get new shoes >< something about new balances..? Bery isn't quite sure. But she's excited to get cool new shoes!!

She's wondering if she'll have to go to work afterwards... She wouldn't particularly mind going, money is great. But she doesn't know if her dad will ask her to go. Bery works at her dad's restaurant btw!! She would say the name/what kinda food/where but she doesn't feel like doxxing her location just yet.

But thats pretty much it!! Maybe she'll get a few extra things at the mall but she's not sure.

See y'all next time!!

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/07/06

hewo people who might knwow me fwom schwool!!

amyways bery is BACK w more nonsense. Recently Bery's dad SMASHED HER MINI TABLET ON THE FLOOR. all cuz she called him a fucking bastard. Which he is. It was deserved.

But anyways, her dad is feeling the guilt of smackin her and threatening her w a weapon... so he got her phone (which has been broken since October 2024) repaired, yay!!! Her phone will also be available for collection TODAY!!! Bery is looking forwards to this indeed!!!

In other news, she's gonna have to buy Minecraft all over again for her new device. Which sucks. A whole ten bucks. But she will be able to play games that take up bigger storage again!!! Bery could possibly play ZZZ!!!! she very much wants to play that game. Ya kno, cuz of the fan service and jiggle physics.

She's also currently quite eepy sleepy cuz it's like 4 am where she is.

Goodnight!!

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/06/28

"I need time to be myself and not in a relationship and maybe you should too"

HAH! IG U WERE RIGHT ABT THAT ONE! CUZ LIKE TELL ME WHY I HAVENT THOUGHT ABT DYING OR CUTTING MYSELF *ONCE* SINCE WE BROKE UP LMAOOOOO. LIKE, IVE ZERO STRESS, NO BITCH NAGGING ME TO READ SOME OF THE WORST SMUT WITH *ZERO* ACTUALLY PLOT OR BOOKS THAT HIGHKEY SUCK. HAH BITCH

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/06/23

MANNNN BERY JS GOT BROKEN UP WITH. *OVER TEXT*. LIKE WHAAAA ｡⁠:ﾟ⁠(⁠;⁠´⁠∩⁠`⁠;⁠)ﾟ⁠:⁠｡ they didnt even write my name properly like bro... (Forgot the H at the end of my name...) Like, I've been sorta expecting it but like ughh I was hoping I was wrong.

And like we had made a plan to go out and but now Imma have to tell my parents that I ain't goin... 😭😭 man, ts is bullshit.

Lwk surprised by how chill I am rn. Like I feel kinda indifferent... we'll see if bery feels the same way later tonight tho!!!

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

28/05/2026

wouldnt Bery look so pretty with lines across her thighs? Maybe she 1 try it! She's heard of people who do that... And she's seen some of her friends scars 2... Maybe she should do just one line! Js enough to draw blood, ehe!!!

Omfg what is wrong w me. Why am I acting like sh is some sort of trend wtf. I am not okay. I should die.

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

Making it so people can actually find my acc lolll if u recognize me from school or smth, hiii!!! Yes this is what my inner thoughts look like!! Go ahead and shame me irl lmao idc. Fuck you. Die. I hate you. Omfg just leave wtf.

Ehe >< but ya!!! Ya gurl Bery wants attention so she's making her blog more public. Still need an acc tho!!

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

16/05/2026

On May 16th at like 0:30 ish, I tried to take my own life

I'm not sure if it counts as a suicide attempt.

I didn't write a letter, I didn't clean my room.

I didn't do the things that I heard people do before dying.

I tried to choke myself to death.

I propped the tablet on my knees while I was laying down

I pressed start and wrapped my hands around my neck.

01:00:07

That's how long I lasted before the urge to survive kicked in

If I wanted to live, does it still count as a suicide attempt?

I timed it because I wanted to see how long I would last

I wanted to see the second pass as I lost consciousness

I feel selfish.

There's so many people who care about me.

There's [SO's name].

There's my friends

There's my family

It's selfish of my to want to die when there's still things I wanna see

After I gave up, the realization was slow

Like it dawned on me what I did with what intentions

I was about to have a... I don't think a panic attack

But I was crying and breathing heavy

I thought it would only get worse.

I was gonna let it all out, then I went stone face

I suddenly remembered the 54321 technique and googles it with shaky hands

And it actually worked

I calmed down

Which pissed me off bc wdym that calming grounding shit works

Bulshit lol

Does this mean I'm suicidal? Do I want to die?

Who knows?

LOL

XOXO Bery, ur fav <3

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

25/05/2036

Sometimes when I wonder if I'll be missed, I ask myself that in my head and then pretend my friends all say "no of course we'd miss you!!" And it lwk reassures me a bit even tho they didn't actually say it. Cuz I'm too scared to ask "hey would y'all gen care if I died?" Because obv their reaction would be to be all "nooo we care so muchhh dont dieeeee" and be worried because that's manners right? But idk. I wanna die but also know what their reaction is. I wanna leave an ominous last message on discord. I wanna leave a letter for my family saying/admitting all that "this is who I am 🥺" bullshit. I wanna die but I have sm to live for. I wish I didn't have friends so that I didn't have reasons to stay. I wish everyone hated me or thought I was weird so that I could leave without people feeling bad. Ts is making me tear up on a fucking Monday bro wtf. Anyway so uhhh... No yeah I'm okay!!! So good!! no bcuz even if someone messaged me like "hey... Is everything ok?" Id just be like "no yeah everything is fine. Just not feeling all that great..!! Idk, hormones or smth loll. But anyways I'm fine." And so there wouldn't even be a point.

Okay Bery, that's enough pretending to be depressed for you. You're just pretending to relate to all that because you wanna relate and feel like u belong. Shut up.

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/04/01

maybe I am sick. Maybe something is wrong w me. Am I self diagnosing rn? Maybe Bery is trying to make herself fit into a box. Maybe I'm not actually sick. Like there might be something wrong with me, but I've never gone to a counselor or to a therapist so I can't really say for sure if smth is wrong w me or not because if I say "yeah I think I have daddy issues" i feel like I'm lying because I've never diagnosed. But I feel like even my diagnosis wouldn't be valid because I probably made myself pretend so hard that I just gaslit the professional. And so maybe the underlying issue is imposter syndrome? But!! Remember!! No diagnosis!! No one credible told me I have an issue so there's nothing wrong w me!! I'm fine!!

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

2026/04/20

Bery feels like shit. She didn't mean to make her partner feel bad. She thinks that it's okay now, but she isn't completely sure. She wonders if the whole obedient dog trick is getting old. And maybe it is. She wishes that she could read her partner's mind and know all the right things to say and do. She wants to be perfect for them but that not really possible. And they're both so alike. They're both literally the same. But it's to a point where it's a bad thing. They both have the same interests, they both like the game stuff, same humor. But also, there's more stuff that bery and bery's partner have in common. Bth are overthinkers, both are bottoms, both are masochists, both are the same. And you would think it would be amazing to dare someone just like you, but very feels like she needs to change herself to be Partner's missing piece. Oh that she shouldn't show some of her common parts with her partner because what if her partner realizes that Bery isn't good enough?

Unrelated but related.

Bery is thinking about their future break up. She was doing the same thing in her last relationship. Why does she always imagine that? Is it a sign that she herself wants to break up? She's not sure.

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

Item: The Welcome Mat Rarity: ⏶ Common

What game feels like "home" to you no matter when you come back to it?

Feed your dashboard by answering my question, blogger.

Pwobs genshin (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) I spend I lot of time on there and I feel rly attached

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

Pov, 10 minutes ago

Me, in the middle of gooning: "mmph... *Low-key close*"

Partner, suddenly texting me on discord: "HAII"

Me, immediately getting my finger out of my pussy and wiping them off, "HALLOO"

Partner: "what were u doing?"

Me, internally: "MISS MAAM, YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW."

Me: "oh nothing, just doomscrollin!!!"

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

13/03/2026

so yesterday my partner and I were playing genshin, right? And we were just running around while talking. And at some point they were like... Like they mentioned how they wouldn't mind being in a poly relationship. They said smth like "if you ever came up to me and said you wanted to add a third, I'd be okay with that." And I said something along the lines of "I've never really given the idea of being in a poly relationship much thought. Like I enjoy poly ships, I think a lot of em are cute, but I've never really thought about being in one myself." And the tone I used was very like, light and thoughtful(?).

I'm not sure if I handled that the best way that I couldve. Personally, I think I prefer being monogamous (is that the word? Like when it's just 2 people) relationships. Something something, I want the other person to myself and not share. And like, I can acknowledge the courage(?) it took for Partner to say this because it's like sorta one of those topics ig? But also, now I'm overthinking(?) because what if this means *they* want to add a third? What if they were gauging my reaction to see if *they* could suggest adding a third.

And the thing is, theoretically it could be nice(?) (also woah I'm using question marks in parentheses a lot). But when I start dating someone, I don't really have eyes for anyone else. Like if I date someone, its because I've already been friends with them for a period of time and have developed a crush on them after alr being friends. So like there's not rly anyone I would want to add to our relationship.

On a related note, I don't know how I'd react if Partner said they wanted to add a third. Because I'm a mix of "wanting to go along with whatever they say" and "wanting to keep them to myself". I think my stance is that I don't really want to be in a poly relationship. I respect those who are (quite literally, the Guy Friend who confessed to me legit used to be in a poly relationship). I just don't think it's for me.

[blackbery-herbal-tea]

I'm gonna like... try to stop gooning as much.. Imma try to not goon at ALL tmr and see how to works out..