I love Pride & obviously we need it more than ever, but fuck man I'm having such crazy complicated feelings this year even more so than usual.
I decided to go no contact with my sister and her husband 3 or 4 years ago because of really awful and honestly sort of heartless things they've said to me in regards to my sexuality, identity, and the queer community in general.
I assembled a little queer found family only for some of them to ultimately get along better with each other and hardly talk to me anymore if not ghost me entirely.
I haven't been on even a first date with a guy in genuinely at least 4 or 5 years because I get ignored by 90% of men on any apps, literally never get approached by any men in queer spaces/bars, and when I try to talk to guys they literally just walk away from me.
My experiences in gay bars are almost always my friends having guys interested in them and flirting with them while I'm just there in the way or off in the corner alone because no one wants to even talk to me let alone flirt with me.
I've come to realize I often struggle to have much in common with most queer men, which is obviously fine, but it makes it even more difficult to meet people, especially since if I don't make the first step I 100% will not get approached.
All in all, I'm very fortunate and do not take for granted the amazing queer friends I consider family as they've genuinely saved my life. I recognize how lucky I am to be able to live with authenticity and not as much danger as other parts of the country/world as a queer person.
I just feel so fucking lonely sometimes though. To feel utterly invisible in gay bars. To see cute couples holding hands at pride knowing the only time I've had a guy during pride was someone I dated for 2 1/2 years who never loved me and would never hold my hand or kiss me or dance with me in public unless I initiated it.
I know none of this is the point of pride, of course. Its a celebration and a protest. Its love of all forms. Support. Saving lives.
Like, what the fuck is so wrong with me? Am I really just that unattractive and unappealing to other queer men that I'll always just be so alone? Hearing my friends' stories of the guys they hooked up with and dates they've been on when I know damn well it's been weeks if not months since a guy has expressed literally any interest in me? How I've gone an entire year multiple times in my adult life without having sex while I hear everyone else say how easy it is to get guys?
I feel so distanced from gay culture because I feel like I'm such a constant outsider and I don't know why. I've worked on my self love for years to know I deserve a sweet guy and do believe myself to be sexy and worthy of a healthy sex life.
I've tried so fucking hard to put myself out there. I've been to gay campgrounds, mixers, clubs, bars, kink nights, meetups, etc but no one ever even looks my way. I've given up on approaching anyone anymore because it's just embarrasing to get rejected nearly every fucking time even just when I'm trying to give a friendly hello. I don't know what to do anymore.
I really really REALLY work hard at keeping a mindset of nothing is wrong with me but what the fuck man. How do you accept that you're next to nobody's type in a super sexual culture? How do you continue to show up in spaces that while you feel safer in them as a queer person, you feel so fucking lonely, unappealing, and like you somehow don't fit in? Like genuinely what the fuck is so wrong with me?
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