Jason

23, Kansas

[blackholeconfessions]

My god I am losing my mind.

Im stuck in a relationship that I'm not happy with anymore. We have been together for ten years, we have kids, we both work good paying jobs. But he does not respect me at all. He lies to me, he tells his friends about my personal business (and I don't mean disagreements, I mean like nitty gritty details). He has cheated on me many times, I take him back thinking he'll be better. He thinks it's okay to send *content* of me to his friends, and then gets mad when I tell him I'm not comfortable with it. He can't tell anyone no, except me apparently. He says he has no friends and no hobbies and when I try to help him with that or offer to do things with him he gets mad at me.

He tells me he's unhappy with his life, but doesn't know what is making him unhappy. If I ask to talk about it he says no bc he's worried he'll realize it's our relationship making him unhappy.

I've asked him to cut off contact with the girl he cheated on me with, he refuses. He's made me take down social media posts and accounts bc the girls he's friends with stalk my accounts and will ask him questions (I.e You could see the floor in the background of a photo I posted and someone asked him if we moved and he said it was frustrating so I had to take down the account).

He's in therapy to try and fix our relationship but he doesn't tell his therapist the real truth about things. For instance, it's a kink of his, for me to talk to/see other men, he begged me to do it, but all he will tell his therapist is that I see other people. So she tells him it's hypocritical that he isn't allowed to. Which feeds into the narrative in his head that I'm somehow keeping that experience away from him. And I will say I only see other people because you want me to, I will stop right now if you want me to.

I feel trapped, I don't want to leave, but the longer this goes on the more miserable I feel. A few months ago he told me he had been done with our relationship for "a long time now." But then said he wanted to keep working on things. I'm so unhappy, I'm so frustrated, I have no on to talk to about it.

[blackholeconfessions]

I just need to get this off my chest.

My sister-in-law is the worst person I've ever met in my entire life. She is an adult over the age of 21, she doesn't have a job because she got fired for being rude to customers and starting drama between all of the other staff. She was originally taking college classes but after one semester realized it was too hard to focus on school when you're too busy getting high everyday so she gave up on that. Right now she sleeps on her parents couch all day and does nothing. I have never seen her clean and on the rare occasion she puts away the dishes she will make sure everyone knows and praises her for it.

I have to make sure that she's not around my children (her literal nieces and nephews) because she'll be mean to them, my kids are under the age of five. Once my 3-year-old trying to hug her and she literally pushed her away and acted disgusted. And then she has the audacity to tell people that she babysits for me for free (and acts as though it's a burden on her) when I would never leave my kids with her unattended.

She talks down to everyone around her as if she is the most important person in the room at all times and she thinks she's super smart but I'll be having a conversation and she'll cut in to try and say something and she won't know what she's talking about at all. Like one day my in laws and I were talking about countertops and her dad goes oh well quartz countertops are good option and she goes well those are really expensive especially if you get rose quartz. And I just looked at her because in that moment I realized she had no concept of what she was talking about but felt the need to go ahead and join the conversation anyway.

So now every time I have to interact with her I have to sit there and listen to her spew made up stuff that she's decided makes sense with the conversation, it feels like I'm letting a child finish talking before I can continue.

It's gotten so bad that I don't want to visit my in-laws anymore. Which is really sad because they like seeing their grandkids but I genuinely cannot stand being in the same room with her. I don't know what to do because it's awful my kids have to sacrifice their relationship with their grandparents because their aunt is so selfish. I'm trying my best to be the bigger person but if she says one more thing to me, I might just say all the things that have been building up over the last ten years.

It's so bad I don't want to do holidays with them anymore my husband and I are planning on a wedding ceremony (since we got were married during covid) but the idea that I would have to invite her makes me not want one at all. Because she would ruin the entire day for everyone involved. We went on a vacation all together once and she complained the entire time

I honestly have to tell myself that maybe she's just mentally delayed because there's no way that someone whose brain is functioning like a normal human would do the things that she does.

[blackholeconfessions]

There are many things I have learned.

I did not know why the sky was blue.

But I learned.

I did not know why the rain felt cold.

But I learned.

I did not know how birds could fly.

But I learned.

I did not know how fish could swim.

But I learned.

I did not know where the continents lay.

But I learned.

I did not know where roads led.

But I learned.

I did not know how long an ambulance took to arrive.

But I learned.

I did not know how quickly someone got cold.

But I learned.

And I did not know how small an urn for an infant was.

But I learned.

[blackholeconfessions]

Stuck in the wrong body

Sometimes I look into the mirror and I don't know who I am. My hair seems wrong and my skin doesn't look like this, and hands don't look quite right.

Sometimes I wonder if she feels the same way, maybe she wonders why her body seems out of place. Or why her hands look so masculine when they ought to be dainty. I wonder if she knows we switched.

We got mixed up in things and time and space, and now im missing the rest of me, but I have her. I'm missing the parts of me that make me who I am and it's sad.

I hope shes taking care of my body, I'm fixing hers up so when she comes back it's tidy and presentable. Sometimes I wonder what race I am, or if I'm speaking a different language out there.

. I wonder if our paths will cross one day or if I will have to wait another go around to find my body again.

[blackholeconfessions]

#3

I arrived to work early that day and had assumed I would be waiting for the daily meeting alone as I sometimes did. As I walked into the room I realized someone else was already there. I didn't know her name and she was in a department separate from mine, all I knew was her job consisted of being outside for most of the day.

She was standing at the other end of the room applying sunscreen to her arms. The room was totally silent and I could hear her hands rubbing across her skin. It felt so intimate, not in a sexual way, just a different kind of closeness. Every stroke across her skin felt so loud in the silent room. I hoped she couldn't feel the tension I felt, she seemed oblivious though.

[blackholeconfessions]

#2

I like to imagine what my suicide would feel like. I like the thought of losing consciousness slowly. I get groggy and stumble around for a minute before it finally ends.

The darkness takes my pain away.

I imagine they find me there the next day and wonder if it was their fault. It was. But it was also something that couldn't have been helped.

I'm a broken, fucked up, mess of a person. I know I can't exist here because I only cause pain and suffering.

It isn't if, it's when.

[blackholeconfessions]

#1

She trembled as I gently ran my fingers across her pale skin. "Shh, it only hurts for a second." She shuddered silently, my voice sounded rough when I spoke to her. It was never my intention to torment her but it seemed as though my calm demeanor was making her uncomfortable.

She refused to look up at me, it didn't matter though. This wasn't about her, she was simply here. I picked her up as she let out a soft wimper, her body was still mostly limp but I didn't want her to be fully awake before positioning her.

I laid her body down on the cold metal table. It seemed so harsh beneath her small frame. She was beginning to regain most of her concious now and I knew it was time. I secured her dainty wrists and ankles to the sides of the table so she wouldn't be able to pull away without hurting herself. It put her in an awkward position, being spread apart like that.

Her skin seemed like it was glowing under the cold bulbs. Her ivory skin was so light I could see the blue green veins beneath the surface. I picked up my blade which was sharpened earlier in the day for this moment. I started at her wrist and made my first incision. It was deep enough to get the blood flowing. It was so dark against light flesh. I felt calmness overwhelm me. She began to struggle. My knife touched her neck and I watched the panic cross her face. A quick cut and her life began draining into pools on the table and dripping down the sides.

I sighed and work was done.