Why, hello there Internet

Eljin | They/Them | 36 | Neurodivergent, disabled. My current main fandoms are JJBA, YGO (DM, GX, Zexal mostly), KH, KHR and Magi, as I have finally given up on acknowledging the passage of time. If you like my art you can support me at ko-fi

[blackmageeljin]

Okay. Straight up someone explain how people use Instagram to me.

But like, explain it to me like I'm an alien in space college doing a paper on earthling ecology and sociology.

Please it is for a good cause I promise.

[blackmageeljin]

I have a real hard time with the near ubiquitous "get off social media" mentality. Not because I am heavily dependant on social media but rather the opposite.

Social media is very hard for me. I have a high natural aversion to it. Which many people would praise or act like it's a good thing. But it's crippling. Social media is a necessary part of society now. Having not only a derth of skill but actual mental blocks and fear regarding it prevent my ability to interact with people, live independently, do actual work, etc. I have become heavily isolated because of this deficit.

I get that I'm not the target audience of those "get off social media so much!" rants, but it's become so one-sided and ubiquitous that there is no room for me or other exceptions. People, including mental health professionals, literally have no idea how to approach or help my situation at all, because they are only taught that an over abundance of social media is the problem. I just really wish we were willing to admit, instances or over indulgence aside, that social media is incredibly necessary in this day and age.

I think also, it is because I am not of an age demographic where the problem is I am "too old" or the main issue is "it's unfamiliar and I don't know how". There are resources for older people, and also those older people have peers that are also not engaging with social media and using the same older models of communication. It's really weird for a millennial to try and explain they don't really have an Instagram and to talk to them to please give them something more direct at least like a discord, or preferably an email.

I also often try to explain it's not a matter of not knowing how to use the website interface, but the social rules of the platform, which most people don't consciously think about. I think, most ND people would understand, but I have ran into road blocks there too, which gets very discouraging and makes it harder to ask for help. When I was able to use tumblr regularly, I remember the very specific and clear unspoken rules of things like "don't tag this sort of thing" or "especially tag this" or "this kind of comment you add to a post but this goes in your tags". even the readmore bar I put in is an artifact of a rule I no longer know if it's a common consideration, about making it easier to scroll past long posts. I see things where people say "it's bad to interact with an old post of someone on insta" and like. I have no idea. I don't know what I am or am not supposed to do there so I get scared and simply don't.

Even this post, it's something I have been wanting to make and articulate for... More than 6 months at this point? I have made some others in that time I think, but this particularly I had a hard time figuring out how to even approach or talk about. The severity of the aversion flares sometimes, and it's been like that.

I think also... I am just a very wordy person. I am not good at being concise, and one thing I do know is most platforms reward or require conciseness, but then I become too engrossed in not being able to speak true to my own words and give up.

I can't imagine I'm truly the only person to experience this. So I hope this is comforting to anyone else who may have similar issues. I would love to talk to you.

Tumblr of course, is soupy in its nature in general, so it is a lot more approachable, and if nothing else it certainly feels less "wrong" to try and follow outdated rules here then go somewhere blind. And I can be as long winded as I want and let people choose to scroll past it instead of not being given the option...

Tldr; social media is hard and as much as I would love to just Not Engage, that's unrealistic and damaging to keep screaming so I would really like us all to focus on giving resources in how to use it correctly and productively instead of pretending the best thing is to cut it out entirely.

[blackmageeljin]

Real shame manic panic doesn't take to my hair because generally speaking that IS an accurate description of my mental state every time I dye it.

[blackmageeljin]

Sorbet Shark Cookie Cosplay from recent con. Happy with my fin wig ^^ just used some old packing styrofoam for the base and an extra long straight wig. Cut it down and used the cut off bits to layer over the foam core. Just hot glue and got 2 b. Then got the back flippy with a flat iron.

[blackmageeljin]

Went to a REALLY bad panel at a local con about disability accessibility that was entirely unhelpful. And I could bitch about it but instead I want to share some actually productive tips for navigating cons with disability.

-I got an umbrella arm for my wheelchair and put a parasol in it so there is something at standing eye level and people don't bump into me. Works great plus people think it's cute. But I imagine anything that makes you effectively taller would work.

-if you need to wear certain shoes but shoes are an important part of the cosplay: couple options, sort of depends on what the cosplay shoes are like.

--Main one would be to make boot covers around the comfy shoe.

--This might be a problem if them being heels or platforms are particularly important to the look. In which case depending you can carry your cosplay shoes and also have walking shoes (I've done this and also it is not uncommon for barefoot cosplays as well). But switching shoes may not be feasible for a lot of reasons.

--If you can afford it buying a good base heel that is comfortable for you that may be viable to have for boot covers for multiple cosplays

-- If this is a consideration for you renting or investing in a wheelchair for the weekend instead of being on your feet that long is totally valid. Even with comfy shoes, unless I'm having a particularly good day a full con of walking would leave me bedridden for a week. I consider being able to not have to worry about if cosplay shoes are comfy enough to walk in a bonus of my chair. Cosplay is a hobby that can require high stamina and if you need more mobility aids than you do in daily life to continue engaging with a passion that is perfectly valid and reasonable

---chairs are fucking expensive though I had to get mine on Craigslist to afford it. But check Craigslist. Also talked to a guy recently who got his chair on temu??? But check weird places for cheaper or second hand things, got mine for 50$

--even cheap insoles can go a long way (and this is a point everyone can benefit from not just people with special needs!) best insoles I had for a while were from fucking wish.com. also they make heel guard insoles and other special like... Padding stickers for the worst part of old/cheap shoes.

--this is obviously not for everyone, but if you're a cosplayer and maker, you might have more skills and materials for making your own shoes than you realize. Again, this is something that might provide accessibility for some but be entirely inaccessible for others, but that's why I've listed options and I do still want to include it. If you have access to a 3d printer you can even get rubber filament and print your own shoe soles.

--also this is all if shoes are important for you! Casual cosplay is still valid. But I don't want people to feel like they're being relegated to only causal cosplay because of a disability if that's not what they want. But also don't want people who don't want to engage in that kind of thing to feel like they have to to dress up and have fun. Hope that makes sense ><

-there are places now you can get badges or signs to print out and attach to mobility aids stating they are not props

--sometimes if you cosplay a character that canonically uses a mobility aid or other equipment people may not realize it's not just part of the costume. They're usually not bad meaning or anything like that but the sign helps skip awkward conversations or misunderstandings.

-Haven't tested it yet but I'm getting a bike/clown horn for my chair. Cons are loud. People can't hear you if you say excuse me especially if you are 2 feet below their ear. Then you project and they think you are angry yelling when in fact you just were trying to be heard. Think a horn of some kind would be a friendlier, sillier sound that could get people's attention that wouldn't cause any 'oh no I'm being yelled at' panic. Friend also suggested getting a vuvuzela to 'give the kids a taste of 2010'. Considering.

-i have a cane that has a fold out seat on it, which isn't enough for cons for me but smaller like street fair events it helps a lot. Very good if standing is harder than walking for you. Takes up less room in the car. Perfect for lines for me.

-Got a small bungee cord and stretched it between the chair handles so I could hang my cane on it so I had it if I felt like I could get up

-prewritten massages and disclaimers can help if you have trouble communicating. I personally use an app called emergency chat for when I go mute. You can make custom splash screens so people know why you are using it to communicate, and I have made a bunch of custom ones for different situations and find it helps.

-Having a hand sigal to let a caretaker know if you are overwhelmed and need to be removed from the situation.

-look up maps of the con/con center ahead of time to try to find where ramps/elevators are. Can be a hassle bc some events might stupidly block off the ramps.

-talked to some fursuiters and found out the idea of 'using fursuit to dampen agoraphobia because it's like wearing your own hidey hole' was not just a me idea! Not an easiest thing to break into but the knowledge still might help some folk.

-lots of bike accessories (like cupholders) fit on wheelchairs and other mobility aids

-the Craig's list wheelchair I got didn't have foot rests but we were able to find like a clip on fabric foot sling for chairs for cheap

-the way stuff attaches to mobility aids is usually very hardware-y which can be hard to find at a con if something breaks. Zipties can help a lot and you can ask prop check for spare ones, they should be happy to help. If there's a cosplay repair booth ask if they have duck tape also.

-Investing in a default comfy cosplay or outfit like a kigu or smth so you have something to wear if things are worse than expected so you feel at least a little less shit for not being able to wear the extra pretty thing.

--currently personally working on an Akatsuki coat bc it's animes most recognizable glorified potato sack and can choose how extra I want to be on shorter notice with different wigs and makeup

-im making this list but like different things are easier for different people. I know some people who find it easier to costume change half way through the day to conserve energy. For me that's a lot of extra work and I'm not sure how to describe why. I guess obligatory 'consider what works for you and don't feel bad if someone else's hack doesn't work' disclaimer.

--if anything on this list seems like it wouldn't help for you I am happy to help spitball solutions to whatever problems you are having! Especially if it is cosplay related.

[blackmageeljin]

Today I learned turkeys bark

[blackmageeljin]

The neighbors horses were on the close side of the pasture so I got a pic! There are usually 2 and the small one which I believe is a donkey not just a baby or different breed or smth but I constantly question this. Today there were 3 big horses!

[blackmageeljin]

Shit keeps being real so please have this amazing shot of my Cat mid lick while holding my arm instead.

[blackmageeljin]

You know I've been struggling with people making comments about where I live that make me uncomfortable for a while, to a point I've tried and failed to make several posts about it because articulating it is hard.

The short answer is, apparently, that people think where I live is 'unsafe' now, and the reason for that impression is because people like me, poor minorities, live there.

I couldn't figure out why exactly someone's response to hearing my town name being 'oh it must be so hard for a gay/pagan/disabled/[whatever relevant minority]' person to live in that town huh :(' was so viscerally upsetting.

All I had was 1) it seemed really fucking weird someone from a town 15 minutes over seemed to think there was some major difference like homie we all live in the same middle of nowhere what? And 2) I've never been harassed in my little town. I moved to this little town bc it's rural but it's a very aggressively blue state and I was fleeing a politically divisive area where hate crimes were a real threat. The town is diverse and I see a biracial lesbian couple at the beach all the time they seem just as safe and happy.

Today I had someone hear the name of my town before any other minority statistics about me and just say "oh that place is becoming a pretty dangerous area huh."

For me, who grew up being pulled between very poor and affluent areas, who had lived both as a child and adult in places rich white people called dangerous and places that were legitimately dangerous, I was much more equipped to handle this statement. I knew what this meant and why it made me angry.

What has changed about my town in recent years? It became more diverse and more poor people are moving there. It's full of low income black and mixed race families. They're building and expanding a trailer park- shitty but affordable housing! I also moved here 1) right around when 'stated becoming unsafe apparently and 2) because I was literally too poor to live anywhere else.

Because of the previous comments quantifiers, I always assumed the comment was because of a number of dangerous radical right wing individuals. 'it must be hard to be gay/pagan there', to me, the implication is that the people must there for be racist or ignorant. And that was confusing, because yes it is a rural area, it's the 'purple' part of a blue state, I pass trump flags and feel bad. But I pass trump flags and feel bed... Everywhere, in the whole county. A road trip through 3 nearby states doesn't change this. A trip to the city doesn't change this. There were those flags and confederate flag where I lived before. At least there aren't confederate flags here. Also, here I- and no one I have met- has never experienced a violent hate crime for being a minority. The only harassment I have experienced regarding a minority group I am a part of is at doctors offices which are all in the city and have nothing to do with my town.

And that's the other thing. It's not someone from a real big city saying this. It's someone who lives 15 miles away. It's someone who is a 10-20 minute drive out. It always was so confusing because 'wow you backwater town must be so much worse and different than this one right next to it!!' it's not? One of these comments came from someone from a part of the greater area I live that had been the one and only time I had experienced a kind of actual homophobic comment, which was more confusing.

I've looked back and every person who has made a comment like this has been a well off, older white person. And I've come to the conclusion that this has been so upsetting because besides just... Saying something shitty that's objectively classist for no reason unprompted, they are masking it with an overture of allyship about a different, more palatable for them minority. That's not a supportive comment, that's fear mongering? It made me feel crazy.

The other problem is the word 'safe' losing meaning in this context. I didn't feel 'safe' where I lived before because of being shot at. Because of loud, angry, people coming to my door to harass me. What people mean by 'not safe' here, I learned by the same fucker I talked to yesterday, is 'someone broke into my small dick white boy pick up truck I have for no reason because I work an office job and live in an apartment in the one(1) city shaped part of the greater area. How dare my suburban white status symbol be Blemished. They took all my charger cables and my key fob, it didn't even make sense :((((('

You know getting robbed sucks but that is. Not a measure of safety. Petty theft is considered a non violent crime....

(like first of all breaking into cars? I wanna say 50% of the time especially if it is a more affluent area it happens anyway because of entitled teenage kids. My car got broken into more time in my inlaws white collar suburban fucking 600k housing gentry town than it did in a place colloquially called 'hoodbridge'. This is because teenage hoodlums are less likely to try and apply Robinhood logic to their crimes, because they are crimes happening for shenaniganry and not to pay bills. The real problem is knowing that I have. LAID EYES ON. The white children breaking into cars in that nice neighborhood and people will. Still. Blame the 2 latinix families.)

I live in a state of abject fear constantly, because I live in a world where it is a real fact that a lot of people want to see me dead for what I am. People think trans people deserve to die. People think poc individuals deserve to die. People think that because I am disabled I deserve to die. And yeah, those people are scum and Nazis, but they have power right now. In other parts of the world and the country I live in now. And there were a lot of them and they were 'loud and proud' about it where I lived before. So I did not feel safe because I had been targets of attacks and harassment and I fled to a different state, to a quiet farm where I had physical distance from others instead of worrying if 100 yards down the street there was a house full of people who think I deserved to die. And there are some scary people in town hypothetically, because I see flags, but they aren't empowered here. They aren't in the street spouting their hate, they aren't coming up to me in the grocery store and making a scene. I've even seen people push back against them, flags get taken down, breaker people point out to them their being loudly political in a public, unrelated space was making people uncomfortable and they put their shit away.

But I am told now that where I live is unsafe. It is unsafe, apparently, because I live here.

It is 'unsafe' because mine and the kind people in two who also have messy yards and beat up cars because collectively we have very little money. But I guess rich people see those things and think every overgrown yard must be a front for a drug ring. I guess my house is... 'unsafe' literally. It is old and dilapidated and probably violating some codes. We are fixing it up when we can afford to, but I guess sure, by a definition my house is unsafe, but I know that's not what people are talking about.

[blackmageeljin]

I just realized why an entire like genre of self help/reassurances doesn't work for me and it's because people don't acknowledge determining the difference between a want and a need is like the hardest part.

Like shit it feels really hard to argue with "well obviously if your prioritizing you needs that doesn't make you a bad person that's different from someone prioritizing their wants over your needs :)" but we live in a hell scape where cooperations are constantly gaslighting us into thinking several basic needs are actually luxuries. People buy into this and repeat it to others. Abusers will convince you requesting a need is unreasonable. Abelists will insist that just because it is not a need for everyone it is not a need for you and you are being whiney.

Like yes 'dont feel bad about prioritizing your needs that's self care' is objectively correct and should be acknowledged, the problem is that's not where things are breaking down anymore. My brain immediately goes to justify 'oh then... Do I REALLY need this....? I am a selfish asshole then...' even though that's not the point. People need to be reassured that the little things are necessities so we stop beating ourselves up over doing not even the bare minimum to take care of ourselves.

Wants and needs aren't an easy clear cut binary. There's a lot of grey area. An example is something that lowers the barrier to entry for a need- thats squarely in the middle. People are going to tell you it's a only want, and that it's just you being lazy, but it can be literally life changing if you are neurodivergent or disabled, and honestly? If you're able bodied and neurotypical you shouldn't be doing things the hardest way possible because of some misguided moral superiority either. This need vs want verbage feeds into the really harmful 'well unless you literally can't do the thing then you're fine' narrative.

Arguing with myself about what is 'technically' a need has tricked me into being complicit about super fucked up situations. I legitimately got to a point where I was telling myself 'well, I don't actually need heat in the whole house or running water' like what the fuck? You know, sure, I can try to just heat one room, I can go fill up jugs of water and bring it home, but I really, really should t fucking have to. We are talking about super basic food and shelter needs. And I had legitimately convinced myself I was entitled for wanting to be warm in the winter??? Why?? Because other people were surely also suffering somewhere in the world? Well shit that's not me being entitled that's those other people also being fucked over, they have a right to the basic need of shelter too. That's not proof I don't 'need' running water, people living in those conditions aren't going to fucking survive as long.

It's like... if you're sick, and the argument is you don't need to go home unless you have a fever or something. But if you don't rest and overwork yourself in that condition, you're probably going to develop a fever? Like at that point where is the line for 'needing' rest? Need has started to lose all meaning. That's the actual problem.

So unfortunately asking someone to assess if something is a want or a need doesn't really help anymore. That notion has been undermined at its foundation. It now has the opposite of the intended effect for a lot of people- you don't think 'oh right of course I do need this for my health how silly' you think, because you are bombarded by a society telling you you are selfish for breathing, 'oh... Do I REALLY need this? Maybe this is a want after all. Sorry...'

The point of insecurity isn't 'am I selfish for taking care of my needs' it's 'lots of things are telling me this isn't a need, so I must just be being selfish and have misunderstood.'

[blackmageeljin]

I feel like I'm going insane I had to actually leave a haunted house early yesterday because they were legitimately using REAL TRIPPING HAZARDS as jump scares like 'ohoho sure got you you chicken shit scaredy cat can't believe you got got by FALLING ON THE GROUND BECAUSE WERE MAKING YOU JOG THROUGH A PITCH BLACK ROOM WITH RANDOM RAMPS AND NO HAND RAILS' like bitch I am coming here to experience the i l l u s i o n of danger not break my ankle what the ACTUAL fuck.

[blackmageeljin]

Super grateful for being able to enjoy my neighbors horses getting many benefits of ambient Horse with literally none of the work or upkeep costs is incredible but both horses and the donkey are all black with like ombre brown tinted manes and I never know when they're actually being stacked on the property or somewhere else and they don't bother to keep the pasture separated out from the rest of the yard so sometimes I will be minding my own business and all I will see is black digitigrade hooved legs between the trees meandering through a literal graveyard through the window and for a brief moment before I remember my soul briefly leaves my body as I assume I have literally seen Death or some umbral fey creature.

[blackmageeljin]

Honestly Cut Throat Kitchen has been immeasurably valuable for my mental health and I highly recommend it for other people struggling with disability or poverty if you have any means to access it.

Like yes the catharsis of watching abled bodied people used to thousand dollar knives have to try and deal with shit I do all the time is funny but that's not even the main thing.

1) despite the limitations people are faced with some truly wonderful dishes are still made on this show. This has helped me get past a lot of defeatism. They also show examples of how to accomplish tasks with certain types of limitations. Poverty meant I often was cooking with some of the 'joke' tools used as sabotages- legitimately for a long time our only functional pan was 'the smallest cast iron skillet'. The Mayan stairmaster is probably the same amount of energy it takes me to make a bowl of cereal on a bad health day.

2)it really helps you with functional fixedness by showing other people overcoming it, this skill is invaluable when you are facing these kinds of limitations. Having to make a taco without tortillas makes you start thinking in terms of 'what is a tortilla? Why do I need one? What properties are important?' etc that make it much easier to find actually obtainable solutions for limitations in daily life.

3) honestly sometimes a sabotage is so similar to something I deal with every day and have long since figured out how to work around, watching it completely shut someone else down helps remind me that I have made progress and am competent and am not useless, I just spend a lot of time and energy dealing with super specific problems no one else does. But man if that problem ever became relevant to someone I am an Expert now and would be able to help so much.

4)Susan going 'oh sweety you can do anything you can put your mind to' means nothing and feels really bad- it comes with that underlying 'well you're not just trying hard enough/suck it up' mentality even if it's not intending to. Chef Andrew looking up at the camera nearly in tears saying 'that was terrible, I never want to do it again and wouldn't wish it on any other person, but I fucking did it anyway despite everything' is so different. Partially in that it's leading by example, but moreso because they admit that having to deal with that is terrible and you shouldn't have to, even if you are. If there's another option take that instead. In a weird way this has made it easier for me to go ok 'you know what its a wheel chair day were not walking'. Could I technically walk? Maybe. Would the amount of energy I spend end in me being bedridden for days and generally be tantamount to some kind of Herculean Ordeal™? Yes.

5) another point for poverty is sometimes they use gross ingredients and show how to revitalize them. I'm not talking 'culinary snob but this is le plebeian deli turkey' or 'use this really weird gross obscure item that doesn't go in this kind of food' (though these do happen) I'm talking the 'have this obviously freezer burnt thing that you don't know the expectation date' and 'this has already been fucked up because the last person burnt half of it'. When you literally cannot afford to waste any food finding ways to revitalize it so you're at least not also taking psychic damage eating something gross helps a lot. Sure sometimes they'll accomplish this with some tool you'll have no access to but sometimes they come in with a 'actually if you just drop this in boiling water' or smth that can be a game changer.

[blackmageeljin]

Realized I was rolling up to my LGS with my emet-selch dye job with an emergency commander deck and thus the only option was to commit to the bit.

[blackmageeljin]

You know sometimes I will try to express I feel guilty for relying on overreaching and unavoidable big box stores and services like amazon.

And the response I get 99% of the time is "I know, right?! But it's so convenient!"

And this makes me so fucking uncomfortable because like...

Homie, no, it has nothing to do with that. Honestly in several cases it's actually less convenient for me.

But I'm poor, disabled and live in the middle of nowhere.

This is a matter of 'literally I can not get this item I need to physically function possibly ANYWHERE ELSE let alone affordably.'

'its so easy to get things delivered-'

NO SUSAN I CANT FUCKING DRIVE TO THE STORE BECAUSE MY LEGS DONT WORK RIGHT JESUS

It's about prohibitive pricing and lack of accessibility to specialized goods Susan.

All of this so to also say please don't like guilt/shame people who are relying on fucked up marketplaces to obtain life-changing goods, it is not a choice it is a matter of being trapped in an ecosystem designed to be predatory and keep you reliant on it. You don't make a difference by telling the dollar tree cashier they're a bad person for getting something on prime day bc it was finally affordable (true story), you have to convince the people with actual money to buy shit else where and support small businesses.

Like yes we are making great strides with the target boycott but hey it's not the Chest place it's frankly one of the easiest thing to boycott because it's a weird middle class store full of what are luxury products for a lot of people. I'm happy to contribute to that bc I can. If I stop buying food from Walmart it means I don't eat that food anymore full stop. And in some cases that would mean altering diet in a way that would make me unable to function.

I can't believe I have to say this but stop screaming at people being victimized by the system and start spending your energy on pushing back against the ACTUAL oppressors? You're literally just bullying people worse off than you to make yourself feel better at this point.

[blackmageeljin]

There is a really painful self defeating irony in people who gatekeep goth/punk/emo subcultures.

All of these subcultures are pretty broad and fluid and were formed so outcasts can band together, but if there is ONE "rule" if it can even be called such it is to stand against and question authority.

And then you have some someone come in claiming to be an authority on the subject of a group of rebels and starts policing who is allowed in this collective under the impression it's a secret club and not reclaimed words we have adopted that were once used to belittle and suppress us-

My actual sibling in Christ, Lucifer or whatever Gods you do or do not follow HOW have you SO THOROUGHLY missed the point.

You have become the authority you were supposed to rebel against.

[blackmageeljin]

My Third Gender friend, I have been following you for maybe 4 years now? I just want you to know that I’m proud of you first slogging through all of the shit that you’ve been dealt. Keep plodding along 💜 I’m glad you were able to make some gains in regard to your health!

Here’s hoping we’re blessed with KH news someday soon, and that your good fortune continues 💜

Jfjdjfjxojf ❤️💛🧡💚🩵💙🖤💜🤍💛 thank you so much also I'm so sorry you've been following me apparently for precisely the shittiest period of my contribution to this hell site? But gods bless you for your support this is the sweetest shit I have seen in ages.

And you know, logically I realize my capacity to process KH at full capacity again is because of a lot of shit fixing my health, but man is it funny that it coincided exactly with the cancelation of missing link (which, is a weirdly full circle thing- I was super nervous about it because it was supposed to be a GPS game and my physical capacity to play would be limited, and Nomura had been pushing back against decisions and fighting for features for accessibility producers didn't want. It was probably the first and only KH game I know of Nomura like... Having any kind of problem with making? So as sad as I am to not get Immediate Brain Lore, probably for the best it's getting scrapped for now.)

Hopefully I will be posting KH things again soon and I hope the fates have been deigned to be kind to you as well!