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@blackreachbound
Relamus is quiet for a few minutes. Every attempt he makes to fix this only seems to make it worse. ”…Do you want me to go away, for now? I would understand. I can leave you alone for the evening.”
"Yes." Dory sighs softly. "That might be best."
"I disagree. They wouldn’t sell."
"I just can't hear those syrupy metaphors right now. I know you meant them to be comforting, but every reassurance feels cheap while I'm still angry with you."
"I never claimed to be good at this. But it’s the truth."
"You should write romance novels."
"Not quite that. It’s much simpler than that." His expression is oddly flat. Resigned.
"Vampires do not thrive in the Sun. It burns us, when we deign to stand too close for too long. The Sun is draining. It’s beautiful, and it’s warm, but you come to realize that is all it is. My time with the Sun is over." He glances away.
"And you’re not the Sun."
"Augh," Dory pinches the bridge of his nose.
"No." He hesitates. "You’re not the Sun. But I’ve come to realize something," He adds. "Will you look at me? I would like to explain."
"If you're about to wax poetic about the ways you love me, then I would rather not."
"I know." He’s quiet and calm. "I faltered, but I’ve made my choice."
"Have you? Really?" Dory turns again. He doesn't believe him. "It's a little impossible to measure up to the sun, Relamus. Not once have I heard you talk about me the same way."
He scrubs a hand down his face. Tired. "I'm not the sun."
Relamus lowers his gaze. He’s in no position to protest, or say anything at all. ”Very well.” He offers no resistance. ”I will go. Try and get some rest. I’ll be here, if you need me.”
Dory sighs, keeping his back to Relamus, rubbing the back of his neck. He almost lets Relamus leave. Wants to be done with it. Can't hear anymore that will make him hurt.
"You can't have both, you know.," he murmurs.
Relamus doesn’t speak. He stands, and slowly makes his way to Sindorin. He extends one hand, in order to allow Sindorin to move away if he’d wish. He waits, and then touches him on the shoulder. He doesn’t speak. There’s nothing to be said.
He lets Relamus touch his shoulder, but his stomach turns at the contact. It doesn't feel honest, it doesn't feel like it usually feels. After a moment, he shrugs Relamus off.
"I think I'll go to bed." He turns away. "You can go now."
He wants to argue. He and Sindorin started this together, and he wants to be a part of every step. He also does not want to let Sindorin out of his sight, and the thought of letting Sindorin wanders miles away makes him anxious. He clenches his jaw, tenses, but then sighs.
What can he possibly say?
Llatharys will watch over him, perhaps better than he ever could. He has no excuse. It’s selfish. He has no choice but to bows his head in understanding.
"…Do you want me to leave you tonight?"
"Yes. No. I don't know."
Relamus bows his head. ”You’re right.” He isn’t going to fight it. ”Tell me what you need me to do,” He requests. ”If there is something I can do to support you, to amend this in any way, I would like to know. Yell at me, if you wish,” He invites. ”Shout. Rage. I’m here for it.”
"Well I don't want to shout at you either," he huffs, clearly exasperated. "I need time to process. I've been through a lot recently, and I need to get this trip in order." He sweeps his hair out of his face.
"I don't want you to come with me," he decides. "I need to be away from you. I'm going to go to the ice fields with Llatharys, and you're not going to say a single word against it, do you understand? When we return, I'll be ready to work this through."
"You’re right." There is nothing left to say. He doesn’t know how to fix this, or how to offer comfort. He sighs, and shuts his eyes. "..I love you, Sindorin. And I’m shamed that I’ve hurt you. That must not mean anything, either. And I cannot blame you."
"Stop," he pleads. "I don't care how you're ashamed, and I don't like all this, this, self-deprecating shit. Don't tell me how I'm feeling!" He raises his voice. "Just sit there, and be wrong, and just let me be royally pissed at you for a while, okay? We're not done talking about this, but I can't right now."
Relamus bows his head. What can he say? Sindorin is right. There is nothing he can say. He cannot meet Sindorin’s gaze. He doesn’t have that right. ”I betrayed you,” He agrees. ”I’m not going to sit here and lie to you about it. Nor am I going to ask for your forgiveness. Lying would have made it worse.” He is adamant on that point.
"And i wasn’t going to disrespect you further." He hesitates.
”..It won’t ever happen again. I realize that will not comfort you. But that’s my oath.”
Dory stands up quickly. "No, you should have held onto it, and let your guilt eat you inside as long as you could, until you couldn't sleep, and couldn't eat, and couldn't even look at me without thinking about how much you'd hurt me, and maybe then we'd be halfway even. Lying would have been fairer." He growls.
There’s little he can do. Relamus reaches out with his hands, and tries to touch Sindorin’s. What can he say? He didn’t know. He made the wrong choice. He should not have strayed with Camille. ”I didn’t want this. But you deserved to know. I wasn’t going to hide this from you.”
"Oh. how moral of you," Sindorin snaps. "I deserved to know? I deserved to know that you betrayed my trust and slept with my best friend, whose relationship with me you know is already rocky, with whom you promised me you were no longer romantically involved?" Knowing Relamus had done this after suspecting one or both of them might be in trouble and then choosing Camille... it cuts.
"You should have lied."
He shuts his eyes. It’s painful. Listening to Sindorin laugh like this is painful, and Relamus takes a deep breath against it. He makes himself listen. ”Sindorin,” He murmurs. ”Sindorin, stop. Talk to me.”
"A spectacular change of subject, Relamus. You really know how to comfort a lover." Bitterly, he wipes at his eyes, as he's not sure if the hot tears pricking their corners are from laughter.
Relamus grimaces. This isn’t what he wants, and Sindorin’s laughter feels hollow. It cuts deeply, but he doesn’t resent it. He deserves those cuts. Every slice, every wince. He’s earned them all. ”Sindorin,” He murmurs. He tries to meet his lover’s eyes. ”I’m sorry.”
He can't seem to stop. He snorts, and he covers his mouth, emphatically shaking his head. "You -- you -- " He does manage between snickers, but he can't stop. He's probably in shock. "While I was being tortured, and you and Camille -- it's so funny."
He hates the gentleness of his lover’s voice. He doesn’t want to be babied at the moment, or treated softly. He doesn’t deserve it. ”Camille and I had a rather…” He hesitates. How does he put this tactfully? In the end, he decides that it’s not possible.
"We were intimate. It was not my intention when I checked on him, I assure you." He knows that doesn’t make it better. "..I know this will upset you. I accept that. In hindsight, I…" He sighs, and shuts his eyes. Perhaps it would be better to be quiet.
Sindorin is quiet for a moment. He stares straight ahead, his expression, for the time being, unreadable. He has to take a beat for this to set in. He exhales forcefully, and he looks like he's about to speak, but first, a breathless chuckle passes his lips. It escalates slowly into dry, almost uncontrollable cackling.
"No. You don’t." He wants to drop this subject. But it’s been eating at him, and he fears that if he leaves it for much longer, it’ll cause a rift between them. "…Sindorin . There’s something I must admit to you."
Sindorin sighs, long and slow, shutting his eyes. Another deep breath, and he's settled some of his stress. Rel doesn't deserve to have it taken out on him. "Of course. I'm listening," he gently replies.
