Confessions of a Black Sheep

I am 23 years old, Female. From the Philippines. I am experiencing a (maybe) common occurrence in any family around the world. being the BLACK SHEEP of the family. everyday I experience something regarding this matter, some are repeated, and others are new. but its still the same Degrading feeling that the people in my Kin is giving me. This blog is my vent. Because of my constant and almost the same problems of my daily life might make my boyfriend and close friends sick of me telling it almost every time. I created this to release my anger and hatred. I don't intend to offend anyone. because these are my thoughts and feelings being typed online, so I can function well. if i don't let this out, I will explode. I will be doing this until I get better. all I know is i feel good when I let my thoughts out. I don't want to waste ink and paper to write this feelings down. a Blog is good. feel free to relate, hate, share and compare situations and experiences, or even ask questions.

[blacksheep-confessions]

Wow, it’s been 8 years since I made this blog. If you can do a simple math, based on my blog intro, I’m now 31 years old.

Still living in the Philippines, moved 3 apartments from then. Now I live alone, one year and 7 months on my own, adulting. Not yet married but engaged.

At this moment, we are in the middle of the COVID19 pandemic, not sure if it’s really the “middle” because who knows when it’ll end?

Back to my life, obviously I’m still alive. I had a few suicidal thoughts in those 8 years I’m not writing in this blog because as The years passed, I forgot about this. Luckily it’s still here and after I post this, I’m gonna back read every post I made. I would also add that at around 2017, I experienced my life and mental health down on the ground, so I sought consultation with a psychiatrist. And yes, I was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety, just as I suspected. I’ll make another blog entry some other day when I remember regarding my depression journey. Call it a backlog from all the 8 years I didn’t post an entry.

I am doing this so I can see my progress if I have any. Hoping that I won’t go back to the suicidal thoughts. And I hope someone who needs it, finds my posts. To let them know that there is indeed a chance, a future, or even a relief from this mental health shit. Goodnight.

[blacksheep-confessions]

I think I need a Hug :(

[starla-words]

Being a black sheep made me wiser. I had a painful, crazy, yet very fun life. I chose to go through experiences, so I can live to tell my story. I think God only choose tough people to battle certain obstacles, so they can come out stronger and better. I have had many downfalls, and failures. One thing I’ve learned, is that with every mistake there is a lesson. It’s never too late to improve yourself. Change comes from within, and it takes time.

Savanna Starla (via starla-words)

Its true... I should hang on. I know i'll get through this.

[sheep-sheep-sheep-sheep]

[blacksheep-confessions]

Im planning on taking Yoga classes. I hope it gives me peace of mind. This sheep just gave me an idea. ^_^

[blacksheep-confessions]

My Pre-Valentine's post.

Is it possible to feel “not happy but not sad”? Coz I’m feeling this way right now. I don’t know why, I’m having this feeling for like 3 days now. I don’t know if this is unhappiness. Im confused.

Ive been thinking about a lot of things. I should be happy because I’m finally starting work on the 21st. Ive been so busy fixing things in our family business before i drop it.

Maybe the thing is, i don’t have anyone to talk to these days. My boyfriend is busy with his personal stuff as well. And i don’t feel involved at all. I don’t know whats going on with him, or us. Its like this gap is starting to grow, like a mold on sumthing. Its like being on lag phase. And its bothering me. Cuz my past relationship had this problem, and it lasted 5 years cuz i tolerated it. But i don’t want and I’m not planning to tolerate this time. Im starting to see that this will end bad as of my past experience had the same thing. Im ready to let go anytime this ends badly, its like riding a bike thats out of control and about to fall off the cliff. i don’t want to ride this bike until it falls the cliff, i’m ready to jump off while its on land, i know i will get a bruise or a scraped skin, but its better than falling off the damn cliff and possibly die. Metaphorically.

Maybe im scared of what might happen, because i have experienced the same scenario that started the same, and ends badly. Just like watching a movie and noticing that the plot was somewhat ripped-off or re-made from an old movie. Its annoying and sad. Now I’m in this crisis of deciding whether i jump off the bike while its still on land or sit still in the movie theatre to watch the annoying movie to see if the ending is the same, as i have expected. And go home disappointed and more annoyed.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Im a bit scared i guess. Unhappy. Unsatisfied. And i don’t feel special. Well, maybe this concludes it all. And i have the answer to my initial question: simply, I’m sad. :(

[blacksheep-confessions]

Song by "Rivermaya" - you'll be safe here

[blacksheep-confessions]

PLANT story

As i have indicated in the post “eye of the storm or tiger?” This is the continuation of my plant story. Because i love nature, and i cant seem to find greenery here in my neighborhood.

I will have to have a 30-minute train ride to the national park to have fresh air. With the volume of commuters here in Manila, i dont want to take chances. I’ll end up more stressed when i travel home. The second option is, the local cemetery here has big trees which provide a nice shade, a lot of people jog there in the morning. Me??? No way! You have to kill me first before i hang out in a cemetery. Its creepy.. Well, here is my continuation and elaboration about plants, and my bitterness of the absence of greenery here.

Here in my neighborhood in Manila(the capital city of The Phils.) you will not see a grass or tree on any block. Some Residents managed to have their own pots with greenery in them. Houses here are mostly apartments, which means no lawns or yards, just the gate-a little space-front door. Plus, all the species of “kingdom plantae” hates me, they’d rather die than be taken care of by yours truly. I cant accept that they choose to die over me. Dont get me wrong, i love plants, i love nature, but plants hate me. If maybe they have the ability to shoot peas or some of their parts at me (like in plants VS zombies) they will be alive and ill be dead. How do i kill them? I dont know! I follow the watering and care instructions given by the gardener where we bought the plants. If my mom waters them, theyre fine, but if i do, a few days later they die or first lose a few leaves and stems. But they also die in the end. The last plant that landed in my custody are 3 little cactuses. They died one after the other. They hate me! I want fresh air! Im really looking forward to a nature-vacation with my boyfriend. PS. I’m No green thumb. And plants hate me, even their future generations. :( XoXo

[blacksheep-confessions]

In the Eye of the storm or Eye of the Tiger?

Its been peaceful in this household for the last few days. But i think im just in the eye of the storm. I have just been busy lately, so my mom's attention got off my presence. She was also busy and had a few dates with her boyfriend, so maybe that gave her a good mood for a few days (just like a Sim in SIMS) their moods and happiness wears off too. So im wondering how much time i have left for this peace of mind. Free of nagging and scolding. I saw my boyfriend today, which is a bonus. I missed him. Even in a short time with him, while we had my car washed, i was happy and contented. If only life could be simple, but i realized that living in this world (in a city), life can NEVER be simple. Its always hard, full of deadlines, pollution, stress, work, internet, and people are everywhere. Here in my neighborhood in Manila(the capital city of The Phils.) you will not see a grass or tree on any block. Some Residents managed to have their own pots with greenery in them. Houses here are mostly apartments, which means no lawns or yards, just the gate-a little space-front door. (This story will be elaborated in my plant post,which will be posted after this entry,i separated it because it not fully related to my black sheep rant here) .....going back, i want to go out of town with him. But we are both too busy and we are short in funds for a vacation. He recently quit his job to find a new one. Apparently his subordinates are assholes. See what i mean? Life in the city sucks! And dont forget traffic jams. I dont want to start with that. So in conclusion, life is friggin hard and full of bullcrap, and having this stress at home in becoming a black sheep adds to it. Instead of having your home as a haven or sanctuary of peace and rest after a long and tiring day, the stress is extended and intensified here. Im still waiting for that job. And hopefully as always, i want to move out to find my sanctuary. Clearly, it's not here in this household. It will NEVER be. XoXo

[blacksheep-confessions]

I cant sleep..

Today was a total blur. My mom managed to give me a hard time the whole day until midnight. Saying the same things she had said to me before. Nagging,accusing and blaming me for my mistakes. Comparing me to her when she was my age. We have nothing in common. I dont know if i got this attitude from my father (they were separated since i was six) and he kept a distance from us, so i dont have a clue. I did my work at home today (we have a family business) so i am in my comfort zone and doing my thing. But my tormentor(mom) finally woke up and ruined the moment. She even forbidden me to go meet my friends at 5o'clock. I have asked for permission to go out with my friends for like a week and she agreed, and to the last minute, she cancelled and ordered me to stay. I didnt even have the chance to see my boyfriend which made me feel even worse. :( Its like she's holding me by my neck, i cant disagree on anything, even if i try, im shut down. I dont have a voice in this house hold, so i might as well move out. Im sick of everything. Shes saying things to me that a mom should not say to her child. She never encouraged me in something that i want to do in my life, like hobbies or anything. Even my book-reading is a negative trait for her. Shes saying that if i keep reading and doing nothing, i am worthless. WORTHLESS, she tells me all the time. She has this power to put someone's filings and dignity down. I know im not that productive and i dont like myself for that, but it doesnt mean that she should rub it all over my face and have me feeling shitty. I makes me even more down because rough words came from my mom. I hated my life even more. Im starting to think if im a late bloomer or just really worthless. Im reflecting every once in a while. I wish i could talk to my dad, maybe he'd understand me, or my grandparents (but both grands passed away, both sides) so i feel totally alone in this kin. I dont know why, but i havent seen my passion yet, i always feel purposeless unless i get out of here. I feel my life hasn't even started yet. I dont know when to start. Maybe if i start my job on feb. ill see some light and hope for this stinking situation im in. Im starting to relate to those stories that a princess breaks free from their castle and tries to live on her own with the commoners then learns the value and whats important in life aside from money. I know it will be hard to live outside this life that i have, others say that im lucky having this business and everything. Im greatful and im lucky, but im not happy. Im looking for something more than money. I know its cliché, i have to earn money, but i want to prioritize my happiness. I want to start my life, even if it means rolling on the mud under the hot sun, but i guarantee that i will be smiling with all that dirt on my face. Until my next rant.. xoxo

[blacksheep-confessions]

I cant sleep

Today was a total blur. My mom managed to give me a hard time the whole day until midnight. Saying the same things she had said to me before. Nagging,accusing and blaming me for my mistakes. Comparing me to her when she was my age. We have nothing in common. I dont know if i got this attitude from my father (they were separated since i was six) and he kept a distance from us, so i dont have a clue. I did my work at home today (we have a family business) so i am in my comfort zone and doing my thing. But my tormentor(mom) finally woke up and ruined the moment. She even forbidden me to go meet my friends at 5o'clock. I have asked for permission to go out with my friends for like a week and she agreed, and to the last minute, she cancelled and ordered me to stay. I didnt even have the chance to see my boyfriend which made me feel even worse. :( Its like she's holding me by my neck, i cant disagree on anything, even if i try, im shut down. I dont have a voice in this house hold, so i might as well move out. Im sick of everything. Shes saying things to me that a mom should not say to her child. She never encouraged me in something that i want to do in my life, like hobbies or anything. Even my book-reading is a negative trait for her. Shes saying that if i keep reading and doing nothing, i am worthless. WORTHLESS, she tells me all the time. She has this power to put someone's filings and dignity down. I know im not that productive and i dont like myself for that, but it doesnt mean that she should rub it all over my face and have me feeling shitty. I makes me even more down because rough words came from my mom. I hated my life even more. Im starting to think if im a late bloomer or just really worthless. Im reflecting every once in a while. I wish i could talk to my dad, maybe he'd understand me, or my grandparents (but both grands passed away, both sides) so i feel totally alone in this kin. I dont know why, but i havent seen my passion yet, i always feel purposeless unless i get out of here. I feel my life hasn't even started yet. I dont know when to start. Maybe if i start my job on feb. ill see some light and hope for this stinking situation im in. Im starting to relate to those stories that a princess breaks free from their castle and tries to live on her own with the commoners then learns the value and whats important in life aside from money. I know it will be hard to live outside this life that i have, others say that im lucky having this business and everything. Im greatful and im lucky, but im not happy. Im looking for something more than money. I know its cliché, i have to earn money, but i want to prioritize my happiness. I want to start my life, even if it means rolling on the mud under the hot sun, but i guarantee that i will be smiling with all that dirt on my face. Until my next rant.. xoxo

[blacksheep-confessions]

I posted my story as a Black Sheep on the thread on the EXPERIENCE PROJECT. and thought this will be a good first post. so you could know my story

I am 23/F, second child of three. I live in the Philippines so with close family ties, I still live with my mom and Younger brother. I am currently helping run our family business. but as the years passed, My mom was starting to get on my nerves. she scolds and nags me from my short comings, never acknowledge my good intentions, my help and work in our business. all my negative actions from the past are being dug over-and over again to be slapped to my face, a total feeling of shame and anger dwells within me this time.

I don't want to share almost everything to my boyfriend, because i am aware that he also has his life, at first im telling him everything, but i dont want him to be fed up, as i am fed up with my mom going on and on almost everyday of my lack of effort in doing my job. and the constant nagging about the chores is making me sick, (chores can wait, no need to rush it as much as running ang going to work/business). I hated that.

so i tried to apply for a job as a medical coder. I got accepted, and now on the waiting list for the employment this coming february 22, 2014. I cant wait, because when I save enough money, I have decided to move out of here and start a life of my own. I dont care if life will be hard and tough(financially). I don't want to run a stupid family business if it means nagging, blaming, and anger feeds me up everyday of my life, i could just ask someone to shoot me right in the head. and I might as well enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone for sometime, until my bf or someone special asks me for marriage, until then, I want to be alone for a while. (im also kind of an introvert, so it will be a breeze)

I just need to vent this feelings out, I think imma start a blog today, instead of always ranting to my bf.. I have read some of the stories here and related a lot. I feel relieved that Im not the only person being pushed around by their own Kin. It feels terrible, but being able to relate to others today made me see that there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm really optimistic with the life that I'm seeing in the near future.. I hope everybody else in here find their own light.. and i wish we could all get through this shitty family problem..

Thanks to the experience project for giving me a chance to freely express and share my story. this led me and inspired me to start this blog.

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-The-Black-Sheep-Of-The-Family/6139