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[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Ocean

Ebb and flow like the waves of an ocean. I am afraid of the dips when I am at the crest since I know I can’t stay up there forever. My ocean is calm now, though I feel a storm brewing. A cutting word from a sharp tongue. The sting of a quick hand. The strike of a look from an indifferent face. Every high has a low and I always dread the lows. No matter how much they welcome me with an warm, loving embrace and open arms. I know in the from darkest parts of my mind the monster appear, the sea monsters on my ocean, just below the surface. Now that I am on top of a wave, I am just waiting for the valley to appear

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Needle Prick

Why is the prick of the needle never enough. Why must I have the sting of the blade across the skin to feel anything, to create a wound large enough for the evil inside to escape. Why is the prick of the needle never enough.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Angels

Everyone talks to angels. I thought I did too. It wasn’t until later that I found it was not 100% true. I talk and share company with the fallen kind. They were the only ones that ever talked back. What is that? It turns out that the last true angel I spoke to I ended up shattering her halo and ripped off her wings. I stole her glow, I destroyed everything. As I realize this my world view turns black. I have come to fully realize how there are some words and actions you can never take back. I just hope the 8th Circle provides the justice they deserve.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Lost feelings

How do you make me feel feelings I thought long dormant? Such a deep love I thought had gone shallow. Such a bright shade of green, jealously a poison in the blood as I turn green, depression so dark that even my vision clouds. How do you do this?

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Does it matter?

Why does it even matter? “We all feel this way,” “I feel the same way,” and in the end, it doesn’t matter. Why does it even matter? It doesn’t. We are all the same in our differences. At the end of the day, it does not matter. As I imagine how it might feel, I cannot do it. Weakness is my mind. Why does it even matter? It doesn’t. As I sit here wondering why I am wasting everyone’s time. At the end of the day, it will be the same. The taste of copper, as the world moves on. Who does it even matter? It doesn’t. We are all the same in our differences. I scream for help in my own way. No one answers and I know it is because it is too obscure. I just need you to ask one more time am I okay. Show that you care. In the end, it won’t matter. My world burns in my mind, why does it even matter? It doesn’t. I am slipping away, why does it matter? It doesn’t. I don’t.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Dark Thoughts

The dark thoughts, intruding on the mind. Never leaving, always at the edges, hiding in the shadows. A slight shimmer in the darkness the only indication that it is there. Awaiting for the ever growing moments of weakness to pounce, testing the resolve.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Missed Chances

A missed chance, a fleeting moment. Like your scent carried across the breeze, gone as quickly as it arrived. No point in trying to grasp it for it is but a memory, a warm memory that grows cold as time passes and extinguishes like the flame that started it. Fleeting desires never fulfilled and realized all too late. Sometimes I just hurt and that weakness makes it so much worse. No rhyme or reason, just an undefined ball of everything building, growing in the center of my chest. So much anger, so much hate. Detached from myself, a prisoner of my own mind. Locked with memories in the darkest recesses where even the monsters that reside under the bed are scared to tread. Even the cold embrace of such feelings comfort me as I pray to a god that I am not sure I even believe in for the waves to carry me anywhere but where I am. Because anywhere is better than where I am.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Bath

The warm water surrounds me, it should be washing away the pain. My body and mind ache, a constant throbbing. The warm water should be cleaning my soul, but the darkness prevails. Holding on, building up the bastions it has inside. Fortifying the walls, keeping me trapped inside. My own tower of London. My memories cursing my dreams, my dreams cursing my memories, my own albatross to wear.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Unsaid

What is unsaid is sometimes what echoes the loudest. What is unsaid is what sometimes people need to hear. The hardest part for most is knowing the difference when it is appropriate to do so. I still have a lot to learn.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Phoenix

Wishing to burn it all down and to rise from the ashes. The only problem is phoenixes are not real, and what gets destroyed stays destroyed. Like the library of Alexandria or the city of Pompeii, and in time even the memories fade away, gone like the ashes in the wind.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Unwound

I have a problem and it is not truly what you may think, it is unknown to me, I am broken and have become unwound, lost in memory and time, not enough glue to ever put me fully together again, chipped and missing pieces until I lay down for good and all my pieces fall down and to dust they turn.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

God

Is there a god? If there is an omnipotent being how does he allow such things to happen? Or is he not as omnipotent as every believes? Is the human capacity to hate that some creator placed into each of us as a part of free will grown so out of control that we removed that and have hindered placing a limit of this beings omnipotence? Has dogma backfired. I wonder because thought I do not regret I do mourn. I mourn the things I have seen, and done, all of the broken wings I have caused, forcing angels to crash to earth. With all of this is there a god?

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Loneliness

It amazes me how crushing loneliness is. Felt throughout the body and heart down to the depths of the soul, yet the weight is all emotional and mental, no physical weights. Yet, in the end, it makes me feel like Giles Corey, and instead of confessing guilt I just ask for more weight, and it continues to crush.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Prison

Why can I not get these thoughts out of my head? Past relived that I understand I will never outrun. Alone in my room, locked inside with the only person that judges me worse than anyone. Lost in thought and the past just trying to keep my feet on the ground, because going to high up will keep me from ever reach the ground again. Lost in thought and all I want is to just get back home. Wasting so much time running from nightmares in the never-ending darkness, only to have lost my way. No longer remembering the person I used to be, and no longer wanting to be the person I am now.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Contradiction

A contradiction in terms. A contradiction in everything. So many dark clouds around me, so much pain yet I am numb. Yet I can feel the emotions wiggling just under the skin and all I want to do is bleed out all of the negative emotions, but I am afraid that I will die before the feelings leave. In these feelings I know the truth that the real monsters don’t hide under the bed. They reside within, where they talk to my own demons. I was always hurting until I found the safe spaces where even my true feeling cannot find me. However, when you make deals with the devil in time all payments become due.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Broken

As I sit here and close my eyes the memories come again. As much as I try I will never forget. Never fading always there among the periphery swarming to the forefront as my guard finally falls. Never truly trusting and never having anyone understand. Always alone surrounded by everyone, but is no one all the same. Being broken beyond repair awaiting the time I am finally discarded by no choice of my own, holding everything together by tenuous strings watching them fray as they struggle under the strain.

[blacksheep3sdarkthoughts]

Salvation

Surrounded by light, however, no salvation is to be found. Salvation is not bestowed on individuals like me, repentant only when convenient. Surrounded by light but there is nothing divine about it. Bringing out all of the sins and moral conflicts hidden next to the shadow of the man I used to be. Brought from the comforting void.