My Reality

Charlie. ♀. Depressed. Fat. Anxiety. Self harm. Suicidal. Food issues. Type 1 diabetes. *Trigger Warning* I DO NOT promote or glorify eating disorders, self harm, or any other self-destructive behavior.

[spacebetweenthespaces]

the internet just gets me

[hayla86]

“My body is tired and I’m tired of my body.”

— Unknown

[naked--thought]

“We all know that feeling. The exhaustion of existing. The inability to get out of bed or to change your three day old clothes. None of your messages get responded to and no conversations are carried on. As you lay in bed the beating heart in your chest feels like a brick. You feel every pulse but have no emotion attached to it. The reoccurring question is “Is it really worth it?””

— naked–thought

[sicknsadsicknrad]

Tired VS Tired

Fatigue is different to just being tired.

When you’re tired, you know you can get some sleep and you’ll feel better.

But fatigue is still there when you wake up, it stays with you all day. It’s a lack of energy. A feeling of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion.

[nighttimesuggestion]

tired isn’t even something i feel anymore. it’s a part of me. my body is tired, my mind is tired, my personality is tired. it’s who i am.

[jeditempleofgallifrey]

Mom: Did you stay up late again?

Me: I prefer to think of it as waking up early, the long way around.

[vil-is-my-baby]

“Self-destruction Self-destruction isn’t snorting the line on the party just because you want to try it for fun and thinking “I’ll do it just once, just to try it!” Self-destruction isn’t going out and drinking a little too much sometimes. Self-destruction is taking that line even you know what will happen, knowing the side effect of that. It’s taking that line, not because of fun or people around you, it’s because you have that urge inside you that tells you to do it, to fuck yourself up. Self-destruction is going out with the intention to get drunk and not know about yourself the whole time just because you feel something inside of yourself that needs to be destroyed. You don’t drink because you’re sad or happy, you drink to kill that something inside of you. Self-destruction is that smoke of cigarette you just took. You didn’t start smoking because of people around you make you do it, you started smoking because you heard it’s bad for you. Now you’re addicted. Or maybe you aren’t but you still do it. Self-destruction is when you go to some random person you met at the bar house because of sex. You don’t know who he is, you could be anybody, you could end up dead, raped, you don’t know it won’t happen, but you go anyway. You know all the risks but you do it anyway. Self-destruction is pushing people away and making yourself antisocial on purpose. Self-destruction is popping painkillers even if you aren’t in pain. Self-destruction is getting into fights on purpose. Self-destruction is letting your id doing whatever you want. Self-destruction is a lot of things, but it’s never a choice. Self-destruction isn’t mental illness. Self-destruction isn’t when you break up with your boyfriend so you lock your room and cry or go out and get drunk to forget about him. Self-destruction is something in people, something that pulls you to the edge. It’s the sweetest sin of all of them. You can fight it, but it always wins. People keep saying to fight it like if they can fight it, you can fight it also, but if you are a really self-destructive you can’t fight it and you know it. It’s part of your reality, your life. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. Not all who are depressive are self-destructive. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. I smoke, I drink, I take pills – I’m not addicted to any of that. I do it do destroy myself. I don’t hate myself, I’m very far from hating myself. But some people do hate themselves. Some do, some don’t. everybody is different. If somebody asked me why I do what I do I wouldn’t know how to answer. I know what is the goal, but I don’t know the main reason beside something self-destructive inside me. For example, I know what heroin does to people but I’d love to try it. But I’ll never do it. Not because I don’t want to, but because I know what would it do to people around me. I don’t want to fuck them up. I want to fuck me up. And there are ways to do it without hurting somebody constantly. People who are self-destructive don’t want to harm you, they want to harm themselves.”

— T.S. aka me/ things i never said out loud

[pessimisticfvck]

“a bottle of vodka and pills sounds perfect right now.”

— @pessimisticfvck

[feedthis]

Everything is my fault.

[mystruggle18]

I hold so much pain in me that you cannot see.

(via mystruggle18)

[half-crazedauthor]

The Fear

The fear isn’t constant.

It comes in waves, in moments when I am alone with my thoughts.

It comes when I think about the future and the choices I’ve made.

It comes when I worry about tomorrow and the next day and the next.

The fear doesn’t care that it interferes- it feeds on it; the panic and anxiety rising in my belly and my throat.

I’m so, so scared.

I’m scared that I made the wrong choice. That my friends will leave me, that I’ll be alone, that I’ll be alone forever.

I’m scared that I’ll fail, somehow mess up so badly that I can’t recover.

And I’m scared of losing you.

Both “you"s.

I’m scared of losing the you I almost lost this year.

I’m scared that I’ll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, be too needy and too weak and too scared.

I’m scared that you’ll see that I’m a coward, a fool, someone who shakes and sighs and runs from the few things I truly fear.

I’m scared that in my dependence on you, I’ll push you away, give you reasons to leave me, dig myself a hole that has no way out.

And I’m scared of losing the you I care about far too much.

I’m scared that my decision means we can never be more than we are, and that we might be less.

I’m scared that you will lose interest, find someone else, find someone better, because you deserve every happiness and joy.

I’m scared you will see me as manipulative and unworthy and not ever good enough for you.

I’m Just Scared. So very scared.

[blackthoughts-blacksoul]

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate my nightmares...

[osointricate]

Apparently some people can have a thought like “I need to do this” and then they actually have no problem getting up and doing it.  What a weird way to live, how strange, wonder what that would be like.

[blackthoughts-blacksoul]

When you try to do adult things but it's like the universe and own mind create a wall around you, keeping you from doing anything. Welcome to my hell.

[blackthoughts-blacksoul]

It's been a while since I've been on. A lot has happened, some bad, some quite good. I can't sleep. I'm out of green and it's kind of fucking with my head. My bad dreams have been worse the last few nights, and being home alone all day didn't help any. I fell asleep before my boyfriend came home and when he walked into the room I thought he was someone else and reacted badly. I just thought, I don't know.. I didn't see my boyfriend, I didn't see the bedroom, I didn't see the tv or the door. I saw another room, another bed, a table really, another person. I'm so tired of being tired, of my own mind harassing me. I don't know if what I "remember" is real, I don't think about it, except times like now when it comes out of its box. It's not like anyone will actually read this so whatever. My head's a dark place. I find distractions and things to keep my time and thoughts occupied, but it never lasts. What really gets me is that I have no reason to be this fucked up. I didn't have a shit childhood, actually it was pretty good. Except my dad, but his shit was directed to my brother, not me, though that doesn't make it any better. It was never physical. My mom has always been wonderful. I was bullied, but nothing terrible. It was just one kid mostly. I always had everything I needed and most things I wanted. Nothing happened to me, I don't think at least.. I don't know.. I'm just so tired of not making sense, I can't trust my own thoughts. It's infuriating. Sometimes I'm just really, really done.

[yesterdayishistoryxoxo]

[wordsnquotes]

I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.

Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness (via wordsnquotes)