Loneliness is one dragon I've been fighting my whole life. Crippling loneliness. "What about all this self-work I've done?" I ask myself. "What happened to feeling whole and knowing I'm enough? If I feel lonely, I must be feeling empty again." Maybe I need to do MORE work. Maybe I'm failing at the work I was doing all of a sudden. This must be because somewhere along the way, I seriously fucked up. Is this true? Loneliness has always felt like a response to some defect I have. It makes me reach out to people I don't need in my life, seeking the wrong kind of attention. I'm a man with a tender heart and I am a slut who wants love and companionship. Neither scenario is easy to navigate. How could I possibly be so many contradictions at once? Maybe they're not contradictions, but the world is set up like they are. The loneliness I've been experiencing lately is crushing. It is a leaden covering around my form; a cocoon of newly-minted gold. From the outside, it shines. From the inside, darkness is all the same. I've always spent most of my time on the dark side. I thought this was changing. I thought I'd go through therapy and come out a brighter, lighter person. I thought things would be as easy as other people's lives look on the internet and social media. But every time I fight away the dark, and every time I make a chink in the armor of ego-mind, it comes back stronger. Maybe we never slay our dragons. Maybe that's not the point. Maybe the point is simply to make them afraid enough to fly away, sending their larger, stronger, more devious kin to get revenge on us. I suppose that this is ok. But for now, the loneliness is still crushing.
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