It seems like lately life has been pulling me from the one thing that keeps me sane - climbing. Things have been, to be honest, kind of shitty. I recently set my first big climbing goal that I want to reach before well, I’m unable to. To some, I don’t seem like the person to achieve this goal, but for me, I need to prove to myself that I can. But since setting this objective, I’ve had nothing but obstacles and setbacks. And none of it related to climbing! Life has been just overwhelming.
My family recently lost our patriarch. My grandfather was a man among men. He was everything I’ve worked my whole life to be - strong, intelligent, well spoken and genuine. Without him, we’ve lost more than just our father or grandfather. We’ve lost our moral compass - the man who guided us and made us all strive to be better people. It’s because of him that my family and myself all look to nature to calm our souls. He will be missed always.
Grief has always been a struggle for me, in that I never really seem to process it or even have the time to work through it. I tend to shove it down far and only open the box when my heart breaks a little more, and I need to put some new sorrow away. It’s not a healthy way to deal with the heavy parts of life, and it’s lead me to some dark moments in my past. That’s why I’m grateful for the therapy that is climbing.
After losing my closest friend to leukemia as a terrified 10 year old, I learned that death, no matter the circumstances, is one of the hardest things we as humans deal with. It’s the one guaranteed thing that we will all face in life. It’s the one thing I personally think all humans are scared of. Maybe this is why I like to flirt with danger or maybe this is why I’ve always just lived life without too much of a plan.
Climbing has given me, and so many others, a life line. The stress melts away as you cling to that rock face, just focusing on living in the moment. There’s no room for grief or emotional pain while you amp yourself up for that crux move. In that space, I’m able to just be. I get to be Blair, if only for a quick moment. I’m aching for that freedom right now. A freedom to not feel so much. A way to move forward through these hard times.
I know my grandfather, along with my mom, is watching and cheering me on as I work towards my life goals. Raising a strong independent daughter. Having a love filled marriage. Being a good person. And lastly, I know they’ll be beside me as I do the one thing I want to do before I leave this realm, climb a big wall. I’ll look to them for guidance while I struggle through the life lessons and I’ll think of them as I top out every single climb and summit. My adventure angels.
RIP Malcom. Someday we’ll see each other again, and I hope we get to backpack a heavenly Yosemite together then.
