The Collar of Consideration
Originally from bdsmgallery:
The Collar of Consideration is an important step in the evolution of a D/s dynamic, yet it is a step that I see completely bypassed all too often these days. Couples seem in such a rush to Give/receive the permanent Collar, that they forget that the Permanent Collar is something that should be earned. It should be something that the submissive strives for, and the Dominant should not offer it until he/she is 100% sure that the submissive is ready, willing and able to give themselves fully to the Dominant.
So what exactly is the Collar of Consideration?
The Collar of Consideration can be compared to the engagement ring in a Vanilla relationship. In the ‘Old Guard’ of BDSM, it was usually Blue in color and instantly recognizable by anyone within the D/s community.
The Collar was not seen as a permanent commitment, but rather a notice of intent by the Dominant that they were interested in pursuing a deeper, more intimate relationship with the submissive. It is a period where both the Dominant and the submissive learn about each other, build a strong foundation, and work their way towards a long-lasting and permanent bond. This Collar signals to all other Dominants that the submissive is now ‘Not approachable’ in the sense of pursuing him/her. the submissive should also be aware that although they are not yet Owned by the Dominant, this is the time where they should be learning what the Dominant expects in regards to rules, the kneel, behaviors, dress codes, physical contact with other Dominants/Tops etc… (Many Dominants have certain rules that any other Dominant/Top may not hug, kiss the submissive without his/her express consent). Some go even further than this, and the submissive must decide if these new rules are something that they feel comfortable agreeing to. If not, then you should discuss it and see if a compromise can be reached. If not, then it is likely that the Dynamic will end.
The Collar of Consideration, though not a permanent commitment, is a commitment nonetheless, and should be carefully considered first before accepting. Just like an engagement, either party can decide at any time that the relationship is not meeting their needs or just not what they are looking for, and end things without the need to ask for release or any guilt on either side of the aisle.
The period of Consideration can be predefined by both the Dominant and the submissive, or it can be just taken one day at a time. It allows both in the dynamic the time to grow together, time for them to learn each other's wants/needs, and, of course, sexual kinks. This is the period of negotiation.
Once both the Dominant & submissive have reached the point that they are both sure that they are ready to move forward and make things more permanent, then the Dominant will decide on when to offer the permanent collar. But let me be clear on this… It is the Dominant's place to offer the Permanent Collar, and the submissive should not be asking for it, begging for it, or using emotional tactics to try and force the Dominant's hand (Topping from the bottom). The permanent Collar is the property of the Dominant throughout the duration of the dynamic. Should the dynamic end for ANY reason, the Collar should be returned to the Dominant immediately!
The Permanent Collar is compared to the Wedding ring, but many hold it in much higher regard. It is sacrosanct, and the symbol of a deep, emotional, physical & spiritual connection between Dominant and submissive. It should NEVER be taken off without the express permission of the Dominant, and only by the Dominant. There are usually special exceptions to this rule, such as in medical emergencies, when going through metal detectors in airports, etc. (If the Collar has any metal on it, of course). The Permanent Collar does not always look like what you would expect it to. It can be an item of jewelry such as a necklace, bracelet, anklet, etc., and many Submissives buy a selection of Collars to suit different situations. The Collar should NEVER be touched by ANYONE other than The Dominant and the submissive wearing it. Mostly everyone in the D/s lifestyle know this without it being spoken. It is a huge sign of disrespect for anyone to try to touch it. So you need to be ready to explain this to your friends and family in a way that would be acceptable to their vanilla ears.
Now, going back to the Collar of Consideration… It is a very important step for both the Dominant and submissive, so please do use it. The one thing that nobody wants to see is you jumping in by giving a submissive a Permanent Collar within a month of meeting and then the Dynamic ending just as fast, before moving on and giving/accepting a Collar from someone else in quick time. These people become known in the community as ‘Velcro’ Collars. and they are not respected or taken seriously. So take your time, use the Collar of Consideration, and be 100% sure before moving towards the Permanent Collar.
Thank you A/ll for reading.
Father Mark.
[minor corrections were made based on grammarly.com recommendations]
